I Can't Stop Crying

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Background information... my wife told me she had BPD a couple years ago. Ironically she is a Nurse Practitioner with a Mental Health specialty. After she told me this I did some research. I found out how to validate her. I found out it's her reality or nothing at all. For the last few years every time there's an argument it turns into a threat of divorce. There's been instances of her banging her head on the wall,  she makes very impulsive decisions. The last instance went too far. I was trying to help her with her Squat form. That turned into me invalidating her discomfort, I "intentionally tried to hurt her by the way I had her squat and was jealous of her". For whatever reason she thought to call my ex wife who validated her and filled her with lies. She told me that my toxic ex who had my self esteem lower than dirt and left me $25k in debt was the one who was abused in the relationship and I lied about the whole thing. Throughout the next couple of days it got worse.. I had to move into the guest bedroom,  she gave me the ultimatum of admitting I lied about my ex wife or she would divorce me. I didn't even know what I was admitting to. She then told me she didn't have BPD and that I was a narcissist. Because of her mental health profession and because of my love for her I started to believe this. (Only after starting the book Stop Walking on Eggshells did I realize DARVO was happening) she Denied having BPD instead saying I was the narcissist Attack and Reverse and then said she was the Victim of me belittling and abusing her Offender. Because of my love and trust in her I sought out medical treatment,  believing I was a narcissist. Later a few therapist and close friend and family had to detour me from this notion. After a few days of this my wife decided I couldn't stay there I was the enemy and she needed space. She said I needed to leave. I mistakenly replied that I had no where to go. (Wrong answer I'd later learn) she said ok if you want to work on trust let me see your phone. I thought this was acceptable because about 5 years ago I broke her trust. I was willing to do whatever was needed to mend that trust. Big mistake. She erases all of our text messages and pictures in my phone. I didn't even realize this until hours later. She says she needs to run a few errands and leaves. I run a few errands as well and then come back home. A few hours later I get a call from Commander saying that I need to meet him at the military police station and my wife has accused me of emotionally or mentally abusing her. She has also filed a protection order against me. I was so confused and caught off guard. Immediately I attempted to call her. I got no response. Later I found out not only was there an emotional domestic abuse allegation but she is also saying worse allegations that I won't mention. Let's just say everything was fine until she was triggered. The bottom line is I had to hire a lawyer because now my military career and life are in jeopardy... yesterday I saw her in court and wrote this as a journal entry...

This is the fourth time I've cried today... I can't keep the tears from falling. I just can't get her out of my head today. Seeing her gave me so many emotions. The strongest being the love I have for her. It was hard seeing her upset. It was hard seeing her look at me that way.  I wanted to talk to her. To tell her you've got me all wrong. To tell her I'm still the man you've loved. I couldn't help but look at her. I couldn't help but want to comfort her. Despite what my lawyer says I have always wanted to support and provide for her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to divorce her. I don't want to take her money, she's earned that. I love her so much... I wish she would know how I'm feeling right now. I wish she could see and know how I truly feel. The pain that I feel because she thinks I want to hurt her. The hurt of the woman I wanted to protect and support seeking protection from me. I couldn't even go back to work after the court hearing because I just can't control the tears like I used to. I hope she didn't see me cry at the court house. I don't know what to do. I only hired a lawyer because my very life and freedom are on the line. If it wasn't for fear of going to jail I wouldn't have hired a lawyer. I wonder if she realizes that. I don't want anything from her. I just want to be able to talk to her I want to be able to go home. Why does it have to be this way? Why does it have to end with divorce? With her afraid of me? I can take the divorce eventually I just can't take her fearing or resenting me. May Allah have mercy on us. May Allah grant her peace. I want her to be happy. I'm so sad I couldn't do that. I wish I could support and be there for her now. I don't care about the material things... I don't care about taking money from her. I just want there to be peace between us. I want there to be understanding. I fear that may never happen. May Allah give me the strength to face her. I feel like I failed her. I wish I could go back to that day. I wouldn't even say anything except good job. But then what if something else happened? I realize now I was always watching what I say or how I do things. I was always afraid I would trigger her. I was afraid that the next argument would lead to divorce. The next time I invalidate her will set her off. I really tried to change for the better to communicate effectively with her. I never wanted to manipulate her or gas light her. I feel like I was always apologizing even when I wasn't in the wrong. I was always compromising to make sure she was validated. The constant threats of ending it all by committing suicide. Honestly sometimes it was a lot to bear. It was a lot to always hold my breath to have a peaceful home. I didn't realize how that was affecting me. I had gotten to the point where it was natural. The threats to divorce were normal,  her Banging her head on the wall was normal, I had even forgotten about the time she pulled a knife on me. I had buried that memory away and forgotten about it. I love hee with all my heart. I've accepted her flaws and have made efforts to change myself for the better to fit her needs. While change is a good thing,  to what end? Maybe she's been right this whole time and things should've ended before she viewed me this way. Would I still be crying? Would it still hurt this much? Would I still feel so ashamed and like such a failure? Should I blame my ex wife for this or was this just the straw that broke the camels back? Was our foundation so weak that it was so easy for her to believe? Could she not think of how I've been for her and that mean more than a strangers words? The fact that it didn't is so hurtful. The fact that she didn't even give me a chance is beyond frustrating... the fact that she went to her in the first place I'll never understand. She asked me why my ex would lie? How about resentment, jealousy, envy, spite. Those all come to mind. My wife had been a better woman in every way. She is just amazing... we were building something my ex wife only ever dreamed of.  It's no coincidence that my ex wife called me shortly after we bought the house in Texas and posted it online. Imagine that... She called and apologized how she treated me and she said she wished she did things differently.  She told me she was immature and I treated her well.  So why tell my wife these lies? If that's how she felt why call me and apologize. My wife opened the door and my ex just walked right in to help ruin my life again. She was always good at reading people and manipulating them she knew exactly what to say or what you wanted to hear... despite her flaws my wife is still a wonder woman in my eyes. Her beauty, her compassion, her passion, her intelligence,  her drive, her devotion, her rawness, her ambition, her motivation,  her support,  her adventureness, her emotions,  her vibe,  her creativity,  her love, her cooking... I love it all. I depended on it all. It picked me up after all the trauma I had from my last relationship. All the esteem issues, all the self doubt, self pity. She gave me ambition, she gave me love,  she gave me inspiration. Maybe that was an issue. I needed her love too much... she loved me more than I love myself. I will always love her no matter what. Even with my very livelihood and freedom on the line I still love and care for her deeply. She may never know my true feelings... Oh Allah please just watch over and protect her. Please give her peace and comfort. Please quiet her anxiety and doubts. Please give her strength. For Allah you are Lord of Lord. Most gracious and merciful. Please show her mercy, please spare her from pain or suffering... Ameen.

[HeWho]

Background information... my wife told me she had BPD a couple years ago. Ironically she is a Nurse Practitioner with a Mental Health specialty. After she told me this I did some research. I found out how to validate her. I found out it's her reality or nothing at all. For the last few years every time there's an argument it turns into a threat of divorce. There's been instances of her banging her head on the wall,  she makes very impulsive decisions. The last instance went too far. I was trying to help her with her Squat form. That turned into me invalidating her discomfort, I "intentionally tried to hurt her by the way I had her squat and was jealous of her". For whatever reason she thought to call my ex wife who validated her and filled her with lies. She told me that my toxic ex who had my self esteem lower than dirt and left me $25k in debt was the one who was abused in the relationship and I lied about the whole thing. Throughout the next couple of days it got worse.. I had to move into the guest bedroom,  she gave me the ultimatum of admitting I lied about my ex wife or she would divorce me. I didn't even know what I was admitting to. She then told me she didn't have BPD and that I was a narcissist. Because of her mental health profession and because of my love for her I started to believe this. (Only after starting the book Stop Walking on Eggshells did I realize DARVO was happening) she Denied having BPD instead saying I was the narcissist Attack and Reverse and then said she was the Victim of me belittling and abusing her Offender. Because of my love and trust in her I sought out medical treatment,  believing I was a narcissist. Later a few therapist and close friend and family had to detour me from this notion. After a few days of this my wife decided I couldn't stay there I was the enemy and she needed space. She said I needed to leave. I mistakenly replied that I had no where to go. (Wrong answer I'd later learn) she said ok if you want to work on trust let me see your phone. I thought this was acceptable because about 5 years ago I broke her trust. I was willing to do whatever was needed to mend that trust. Big mistake. She erases all of our text messages and pictures in my phone. I didn't even realize this until hours later. She says she needs to run a few errands and leaves. I run a few errands as well and then come back home. A few hours later I get a call from Commander saying that I need to meet him at the military police station and my wife has accused me of emotionally or mentally abusing her. She has also filed a protection order against me. I was so confused and caught off guard. Immediately I attempted to call her. I got no response. Later I found out not only was there an emotional domestic abuse allegation but she is also saying worse allegations that I won't mention. Let's just say everything was fine until she was triggered. The bottom line is I had to hire a lawyer because now my military career and life are in jeopardy... yesterday I saw her in court and wrote this as a journal entry...

This is the fourth time I've cried today... I can't keep the tears from falling. I just can't get her out of my head today. Seeing her gave me so many emotions. The strongest being the love I have for her. It was hard seeing her upset. It was hard seeing her look at me that way.  I wanted to talk to her. To tell her you've got me all wrong. To tell her I'm still the man you've loved. I couldn't help but look at her. I couldn't help but want to comfort her. Despite what my lawyer says I have always wanted to support and provide for her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to divorce her. I don't want to take her money, she's earned that. I love her so much... I wish she would know how I'm feeling right now. I wish she could see and know how I truly feel. The pain that I feel because she thinks I want to hurt her. The hurt of the woman I wanted to protect and support seeking protection from me. I couldn't even go back to work after the court hearing because I just can't control the tears like I used to. I hope she didn't see me cry at the court house. I don't know what to do. I only hired a lawyer because my very life and freedom are on the line. If it wasn't for fear of going to jail I wouldn't have hired a lawyer. I wonder if she realizes that. I don't want anything from her. I just want to be able to talk to her I want to be able to go home. Why does it have to be this way? Why does it have to end with divorce? With her afraid of me? I can take the divorce eventually I just can't take her fearing or resenting me. May Allah have mercy on us. May Allah grant her peace. I want her to be happy. I'm so sad I couldn't do that. I wish I could support and be there for her now. I don't care about the material things... I don't care about taking money from her. I just want there to be peace between us. I want there to be understanding. I fear that may never happen. May Allah give me the strength to face her. I feel like I failed her. I wish I could go back to that day. I wouldn't even say anything except good job. But then what if something else happened? I realize now I was always watching what I say or how I do things. I was always afraid I would trigger her. I was afraid that the next argument would lead to divorce. The next time I invalidate her will set her off. I really tried to change for the better to communicate effectively with her. I never wanted to manipulate her or gas light her. I feel like I was always apologizing even when I wasn't in the wrong. I was always compromising to make sure she was validated. The constant threats of ending it all by committing suicide. Honestly sometimes it was a lot to bear. It was a lot to always hold my breath to have a peaceful home. I didn't realize how that was affecting me. I had gotten to the point where it was natural. The threats to divorce were normal,  her Banging her head on the wall was normal, I had even forgotten about the time she pulled a knife on me. I had buried that memory away and forgotten about it. I love hee with all my heart. I've accepted her flaws and have made efforts to change myself for the better to fit her needs. While change is a good thing,  to what end? Maybe she's been right this whole time and things should've ended before she viewed me this way. Would I still be crying? Would it still hurt this much? Would I still feel so ashamed and like such a failure? Should I blame my ex wife for this or was this just the straw that broke the camels back? Was our foundation so weak that it was so easy for her to believe? Could she not think of how I've been for her and that mean more than a strangers words? The fact that it didn't is so hurtful. The fact that she didn't even give me a chance is beyond frustrating... the fact that she went to her in the first place I'll never understand. She asked me why my ex would lie? How about resentment, jealousy, envy, spite. Those all come to mind. My wife had been a better woman in every way. She is just amazing... we were building something my ex wife only ever dreamed of.  It's no coincidence that my ex wife called me shortly after we bought the house in Texas and posted it online. Imagine that... She called and apologized how she treated me and she said she wished she did things differently.  She told me she was immature and I treated her well.  So why tell my wife these lies? If that's how she felt why call me and apologize. My wife opened the door and my ex just walked right in to help ruin my life again. She was always good at reading people and manipulating them she knew exactly what to say or what you wanted to hear... despite her flaws my wife is still a wonder woman in my eyes. Her beauty, her compassion, her passion, her intelligence,  her drive, her devotion, her rawness, her ambition, her motivation,  her support,  her adventureness, her emotions,  her vibe,  her creativity,  her love, her cooking... I love it all. I depended on it all. It picked me up after all the trauma I had from my last relationship. All the esteem issues, all the self doubt, self pity. She gave me ambition, she gave me love,  she gave me inspiration. Maybe that was an issue. I needed her love too much... she loved me more than I love myself. I will always love her no matter what. Even with my very livelihood and freedom on the line I still love and care for her deeply. She may never know my true feelings... Oh Allah please just watch over and protect her. Please give her peace and comfort. Please quiet her anxiety and doubts. Please give her strength. For Allah you are Lord of Lord. Most gracious and merciful. Please show her mercy, please spare her from pain or suffering... Ameen.

[BigOof]

This is just the start, my friend. You need to pace yourself.

What immediate problems do you have to solve?

[HeWho]

This is just the start, my friend. You need to pace yourself.

What immediate problems do you have to solve?

My wife has filed a protective order against me and believes I am her enemy. Her allegations are suspect at best and emotional. She references my martial arts training and violent media watching a reasons for a protection order.

That's not where the allegations stop. She has accused me of a sex crime. This allegation is completely false and made only after she asked me to leave the house which is why I haven't been charged or arrested but it is having an effect on my career and life. I'm currently renting out a room on Craig's list because I can't go home.

My lawyer is suggesting I start the divorce process before she does. Honestly I never really considered divorce. I just can't stand her being hurt or leaving things like this. I'm stuck between filing for divorce and trying to work on things if I can ever even contact her again.

[BigOof]

Do you know what she wants? If you know this - and it is reasonable for your lawyer to ask her lawyer if you don't - you can stipulate your way out of it.

You can never be in the same room as her again, so doing a bilateral civil restraint is a good solution.

[HeWho]

Do you know what she wants? If you know this - and it is reasonable for your lawyer to ask her lawyer if you don't - you can stipulate your way out of it.

You can never be in the same room as her again, so doing a bilateral civil restraint is a good solution.

When we went to court yesterday about the temporary protective order she didn't even have a lawyer. She looked so surprised that I had one.

It dawned on me yesterday that she doesn't realize how serious her allegations are and she doesn't realize she is trying to send me to prison and ruin my military career. She really just wanted me out of the house and made allegations to get me out. When she succeeded that's where it stopped.

I could tell that everything she is doing is based purely on emotion without any logic behind it. I had to jump through hoops to get paperwork showing that my ex was lying. She was surprised I gave her proof leaving the court room.

The issue is I couldn't speak in fear of being arrested for a sex crime.

My lawyer said it would be a lot easier if she had a lawyer because everything was illogical from her initial allegation to her sex crime accusation. She's doing everything strictly on emotion. With a lawyer he believes this would have already been dismissed.

[BigOof]

Great. Time to file first. There is an advantage to being the plaintiff. You get to set the tone of the divorce. You need to be multiple steps ahead.

Stop being fearful and start being assertive.

[HeWho]

Great. Time to file first. There is an advantage to being the plaintiff. You get to set the tone of the divorce. You need to be multiple steps ahead.

Stop being fearful and start being assertive.

Is that the final answer though. Divorce is so final... I'm honestly not ready for divorce. I know that sounds bad and I should know better but I don't want to leave things like this. Is there anything that could rectify the situation?

[BigOof]

Do you like your freedom? Have you ever been to jail?

[HeWho]

Do you like your freedom? Have you ever been to jail?

I love my freedom. I definitely don't want to go to jail and have never been there.

[BigOof]

The first attempt at annihilating you is always a bit messy and is done with horrible execution. However, BPDs are quick to learn in methods of annihilation. On the second attempt, you'll probably do 5-10 in a maximum-security prison.

Bilateral civil restraint where you both stay away from each other. That validates to her that you're a monster and it keeps her away from you.

[HeWho]

The first attempt at annihilating you is always a bit messy and is done with horrible execution. However, BPDs are quick to learn in methods of annihilation. On the second attempt, you'll probably do 5-10 in a maximum-security prison.

Bilateral civil restraint where you both stay away from each other. That validates to her that you're a monster and it keeps her away from you.

Dang I can't see that happening. Then again I didn't see the protection order coming. So you may be right. I know your making it an extreme to get me to realize things can and will get worse if I let them.

I'll have to talk to my lawyer. What a rough conversation to have... I really wish we could talk things out and go back to living each other... 2022 was supposed to be our year.

Do you think maybe counseling or some type of mediation can save our marriage? Maybe she just needed space.

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer recommended filing for divorce.  Smart advice.  You can't risk returning to her after this, since as already noted here, the second time around she may get more traction.

There is a possibility she may recant her allegations.  If so, make sure that is presented to the court and entered into the record.  Just withdrawing the allegations with an emotional reaction as an excuse may not be enough, since she could always deny her recant the next time she's upset with you.  If you get back together, there WILL be a next time.  We have a saying quoted repeatedly here, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."

She already has a temp order to "protect" her.  It requires that you not reach out to her in any way since that would be prohibited as "harassment".  You also need an order to "protect" you.

Also, the most you should do in apologizing is that you can apologize for "her feeling that way".  (No one, so far as I know, has ever been found guilty of 'hurting' feelings.)  Anything more than that and there could be legal and career repercussions.  As a reminder, my lawyer told me his first priority was to sit on his clients so they not speak without his approval and wouldn't make his case harder than it already was.

Here's what happened in testimony when I separated and then divorced.  I look back on that now and am so relieved I answered correctly.  If I had said I wanted her back, her lawyer would have claimed I want her back under my Control.  Love would have been twisted into Controlling.

Frankly, you can't stop a divorce.  It takes two to make a marriage work.  It only takes one to sabotage it.  Even someone who is inconsistent with love/hate is allowed to end a marriage.

Also, consider this, even if you manage to somehow get her to switch back into a better frame of mind, it's very possible that she will do this again in the future.  I'm not saying it would happen again, but just that she would have to want to change and then stick with intensive therapy.  That's a tall order for anyone, immensely difficult for her.  And you can't do it for her.

What indication has she given that she wants to seek real help and not just vacillate between love and hate cycles?  Now that a divorce has started, it's very possible you're permanently painted black.  After all, she's gone so far as to make formal legal allegations against you, that's something very difficult to undo.  A common report we have here is that the disordered person always refers to prior relationships as abusive ones, it's an aspect of blame shifting, it wasn't ever the disordered persons fault.  (Or you can be painted black even faster if there is ever a next time.)

Also, let me relate something that happened with me so you won't be caught off guard by trick questions and tripped up by your normal feelings which can easily be used against you.  When my then-separated spouse and I were in court with allegations against each other, her lawyer asked me, "Do you want her back?"  I was aware that he had just asked me my weight compared to hers, alluding that a weight difference ought to make her fearful of me, I knew he was angling to paint me as a controller who wanted his target back under his control.  So I answered, "Not the way she is."

I'm not saying you can't seek solutions other than divorce but be very, very careful.  Your good intentions can be mischaracterized and be used to paint the wrong picture of you.

[ForeverDad]

I'll have to talk to my lawyer. What a rough conversation to have... I really wish we could talk things out and go back to living each other... 2022 was supposed to be our year.

Do you think maybe counseling or some type of mediation can save our marriage? Maybe she just needed space.

No one can predict in advance how a specific case will turn out, but yours fits all the criteria for things to easily get worse for you, both legally and career-wise.  Or not.  Have plans to protect you in either outcome, whether good or bad.

She has accused you in a legal scenario of horrible things.  Maybe it can be walked back, but that shadow will always be there as history just waiting to be resurrected when next triggered.

Maybe she needs space... but you can't avoid every risk of her getting triggered again.  Eventually she'd get triggered again, our experience is... sooner than later.  And these past allegations would be on record.

Mediation... if she wants to continue the marriage.  However, understand that mediation is one of the first steps in a divorce, with the court's hope that a full trial can be avoided by negotiation.  Problem is, early in a divorce people with BPD (pwBPD) generally are too emotional, blaming and entitled to truly negotiate to a reasonable settlement.

Medications... you didn't mention this but while meds might help moderate her actions, reactions and overreactions, they're not a solution since often the perceptions are still there and besides many eventually quit the meds due to the side effects.  (Meds can address problems with Bipolar but that's due to a chemical imbalance, Borderline is a personality Disorder which requires long term therapy which many with BPD deny, reject or eventually quit.)

Therapy or counseling... is a long term approach.  Years.  There's no way a few sessions would "fix" her enough for you to relax that this wouldn't happen again.

[HeWho]

No one can predict in advance how a specific case will turn out, but yours fits all the criteria for things to easily get worse for you, both legally and career-wise.  Or not.  Have plans to protect you in either outcome, whether good or bad.

She has accused you in a legal scenario of horrible things.  Maybe it can be walked back, but that shadow will always be there as history just waiting to be resurrected when next triggered.

Maybe she needs space... but you can't avoid every risk of her getting triggered again.  Eventually she'd get triggered again, our experience is... sooner than later.  And these past allegations would be on record.

Mediation... if she wants to continue the marriage.  However, understand that mediation is one of the first steps in a divorce, with the court's hope that a full trial can be avoided by negotiation.  Problem is, early in a divorce people with BPD (pwBPD) generally are too emotional, blaming and entitled to truly negotiate to a reasonable settlement.

Medications... you didn't mention this but while meds might help moderate her actions, reactions and overreactions, they're not a solution since often the perceptions are still there and besides many eventually quit the meds due to the side effects.  (Meds can address problems with Bipolar but that's due to a chemical imbalance, Borderline is a personality Disorder which requires long term therapy which many with BPD deny, reject or eventually quit.)

Therapy or counseling... is a long term approach.  Years.  There's no way a few sessions would "fix" her enough for you to relax that this wouldn't happen again.

I didn't even consider medication. I know in the past she had alcohol abuse issues as well as weed issues. Because of the extreme anxiety she smoked weed often. It would help mellow her out sometimes.

I think maybe we could stay separated for a while and work on things. If things progress in a positive direction then we can move forward. If not just divorce and hipotético she can get the help she needs. Maybe she can be normal without a significant other.

[ForeverDad]

It has been often noted that the closer the relationship, the more evident the dysfunction is.  And what is closer than a marriage?  So of course you get the most exposure.  Perhaps others notice something "off" with her, but not to a great extent.  It is you who gets full exposure in private scenarios such as at home or other times you're alone with her.  Likely she feels she can do whatever because you are in an "obligated" relationship (married) with her.

To repeat, you did not cause this.  It would have eventually happened with almost anyone she married.  Because this is her dysfunction, her issues with her disorder.  (She may never get a diagnosis, few of our spouses and ex-spouses ever did, but a lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean she doesn't have serious issues.)

So if you get back together — or your marriage ends and she starts another adult relationship — you can be sure her issues will become evident again sooner or later, given enough time.  No one can predict whether she would seek recovery and stick with it, but if she doesn't... watch out!

[HeWho]

It has been often noted that the closer the relationship, the more evident the dysfunction is.  And what is closer than a marriage?  So of course you get the most exposure.  Perhaps others notice something "off" with her, but not to a great extent.  It is you who gets full exposure in private scenarios such as at home or other times you're alone with her.  Likely she feels she can do whatever because you are in an "obligated" relationship (married) with her.

To repeat, you did not cause this.  It would have eventually happened with almost anyone she married.  Because this is her dysfunction, her issues with her disorder.  (She may never get a diagnosis, few of our spouses and ex-spouses ever did, but a lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean she doesn't have serious issues.)

So if you get back together — or your marriage ends and she starts another adult relationship — you can be sure her issues will become evident again sooner or later, given enough time.  No one can predict whether she would seek recovery and stick with it, but if she doesn't... watch out!

Thank you for all the insight. I'm finally starting to accept reality and work on these issues. I am learning to love myself and withdraw from the relationship. It's been almost a month since I talked to her and honestly I would probably call her now if I could. I know she has issues and I have issues. I will continue to heal and work on mine. I just hope I still have a job and freedom to do these things Inshallah.

[HeWho]

Update!

The allegations of sexual assault have been dropped! I'm no longer concerned with going to jail based off of false allegations. Here's where my situation gets complicated though. After talking with my lawyer and the detective working the sexual assault allegations case,  they want me to pursue false accusation charges. I'm very conflicted on doing this. I have been working on myself and am now in a place where I feel mentally and emotionally strong again. I just don't want to mess up her life. I know that this is mainly to do with her highly illogical thinking that my ex's lies led to her fearing me. How do I go n about restoring my name without damaging her life? Still have the protection order hearing on the 22nd, but with these accusations proven unfounded, it is looking like this will be dismissed.

I will be filing for divorce even though I really don't want to. It really pains me to know that our relationship is ending because of something this crazy. I still wish I knew why she thought it was a good idea to talk to my ex and believe her lies. How could I magically want to hurt or abuse her after almost 6 years of marriage? **Sighh** this is something out of a movie on Lifetime.

The other complicated part is that she also filed an unrestricted report on me through family advocacy in the military. They are now doing an investigation on me to determine if the allegation was founded or unfounded. She also has a protective order placed on me through the military as well. I'm thinking about asking her to drop everything after our court date. At this point I just want peace and the ability to sleep in my own bed. I've already dished out over $6000 because of this.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer is suggesting I start the divorce process before she does. Honestly I never really considered divorce. I just can't stand her being hurt or leaving things like this. I'm stuck between filing for divorce and trying to work on things if I can ever even contact her again.

I will say that throughout this process I've still been defending her and putting her first which is basically placing myself further in a bind. I'm worried about her well being while she's trying to destroy me. Even writing that out makes me feel dumb. My lawyer is suggesting I immediately file for divorce and sue her for defamation of character. He even said I could probably get alimony and get the money we have that should go towards the mortgage of our second home.  I told him I just want to have peace with her and I didn't want to take anything from her.

The above are YOUR words.  Imagine for a moment this is what your best friend told you about his marriage dilemma.  Would you tell him to put his spouse ahead of his own welfare?  This mental experiment is called Objective Reasoning.  Right now you're reasoning is subjective, from within the box, not from the outside looking in.

Congratulations that the false allegations were dismissed.  Well, one anyway.  On what basis was it dismissed?  Obviously it wasn't founded.  Were they unfounded (subdued court speak for false) or unsubstantiated (no true/false determination, simply lacking substantiated)?  For most - if not all - of us who faced allegations, it was the weaker outcome, unsubstantiated.

Whichever the ruling was, likely there is NOTHING to prevent her from making allegations in the future.  That's right, this time it's over... but what about next time?  Your lawyer will tell you that's a real risk.

Right now there is nothing in the court record except that she made an allegation and the case was closed.  Unless someone digs deeper, the record does not indicate whether her allegation had merit or not, maybe.

I don't know whether starting a case against her will succeed, historically women often will escape consequences more often than men, but it will put on the record that you proactively sought to defend yourself.

Also, since there is a separate matter still pending, you're still being scrutinized.  Think of pursuing a false allegation charge as a leveling of the legal arena... she has something against you but you also have something against her.  Is that part of your lawyer's legal strategy?

Also, note your lawyer's advice to promptly divorce.  You now know what she can do... and actually did do.  And as I observed above, there is NOTHING to prevent her from making more allegations in the future.  Staying married to her is like walking the train tracks... if a near miss with one train does not wake you up before the next train comes, what will?

Maybe my illustration sounds absurd, but think for a moment.  A train hits you, the next rain will wash off its encounter and it will continue on its way, but you will be bug splatter.

[Destiny 37]

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I will be filing for divorce even though I really don't want to. It really pains me to know that our relationship is ending because of something this crazy. I still wish I knew why she thought it was a good idea to talk to my ex and believe her lies. How could I magically want to hurt or abuse her after almost 6 years of marriage? **Sighh** this is something out of a movie on Lifetime.
.

This is the saddest part of it all. The reality is you will of hurt lots multiple times with out realising it. Times when she said how she felt and you may have defended yourself could be stored up to be used against you and perceived as you saying you don’t love her. The way their brains work is so confusing. I will say something innocent with no malice and my husband will cling on to it for years, bringing it up every argument. Leaving me confused.

This is huge. Rational people don’t just go around destroying other peoples lives, getting officials involved or try to harm to the point that they literally want to destroy everything about them. She’s tried to hurt you so badly, tried to ruin a career that I imagine you worked incredibly hard for and to try and put you in prison for false sexual assault claims. You are in America? I’m not an expert as I’m uk based but I believe in America you can get sent away to jail for a lot less than you do in the uk.

Look at all she’s done when she split on you. The next time she splits it will be worse if she’s got the balls to do this much damage already. I agree with others defend yourself legally and choose your words wisely. Always take legal counsel and don’t contact her. She’s incredibly unstable to do this. Anything you say will likely be twisted. I wouldn’t have a single phone call with her. If you must speak do it via email so you have time to be super careful not to allow her to tie you in nots or pull on your heartstrings. Keep everything factual. Leave your emotions at the door now when speaking to her. She’s declared war unfortunately and no amount of waving the white flag is going to change the outcome of this.

My own relationship I’m 17 years down the line but had this happened to me 6 years into my marriage I would of felt exactly like you do. So hurt and confused but trust me the more time that goes on, the more wild and unfounded accusations made your love for her would slowly turn to hate. It’s better to go now before you end up bitter. Leave with your dignity in tact. You know you loved her and let her thrive. The same hasn't been retuned because rational sane people wouldn’t do this to someone unless it was completely true. So if she believes her legal accusations to be true she will believe more things she perceives of a similar nature to be true as the years role on and the accusations will get stronger. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing they don’t love you but you love them. We struggle to understand this as we would never want to destroy someone the way they destroy us. I genuinely feel your injustice. If resonates with me so much. The desperation to defend ourselves but we aren’t dealing with logical people. There is no epiphany moment coming my friend. I’ve waited years for the epiphany and now I’ve accepted he’s not capable of seeing the harm he’s done to me and our children. It absolutely destroys you.

You sound like a decent man, please be super careful with your next move.

[HeWho]

Congratulations that the false allegations were dismissed.  Well, one anyway.  On what basis was it dismissed?  Obviously it wasn't founded.  Were they unfounded (subdued court speak for false) or unsubstantiated (no true/false determination, simply lacking substantiated)?  For most - if not all - of us who faced allegations, it was the weaker outcome, unsubstantiated.

Whichever the ruling was, likely there is NOTHING to prevent her from making allegations in the future.  That's right, this time it's over... but what about next time?  Your lawyer will tell you that's a real risk.


I don't know whether starting a case against her will succeed, historically women often will escape consequences more often than men, but it will put on the record that you proactively sought to defend yourself.

Also, since there is a separate matter still pending, you're still being scrutinized.  Think of pursuing a false allegation charge as a leveling of the legal arena... she has something against you but you also have something against her.  Is that part of your lawyer's legal strategy?

Also, note your lawyer's advice to promptly divorce.  You now know what she can do... and actually did do.  And as I observed above, there is NOTHING to prevent her from making more allegations in the future.  Staying married to her is like walking the train tracks... if a near miss with one train does not wake you up before the next train comes, what will?

Maybe my illustration sounds absurd, but think for a moment.  A train hits you, the next rain will wash off its encounter and it will continue on its way, but you will be bug splatter.

It was dismissed due to lack of evidence and the questionable timeline. After my lawyer outlined how she made the first report with the police then when that failed, she then wrote the false report. She gave the detective screen shots of text messages between her and my ex wife as evidence. He said that he would pursue false accusation charges after that amount other things. The detective told me that it didn't even fit the criteria for me to get a polygraph test. He just asked that if I did want to move forward, write an official statement and if it is similar to hers, he could move forward.

He did warn me that there is nothing to stop her from doing this again in the future so too be careful.

As far as the protection order goes, if it is dismissed, they will not grant another for similar allegations of the judge feels she is lying. Tomorrow is the big day where I'll figure that out.

[BigOof]

I went through the same thing you did: False police report and temporary restraining order both dismissed.

He did warn me that there is nothing to stop her from doing this again in the future so too be careful.

I then went through another 4 criminal investigations from false allegations. Your working assumption should be this is just the first attempt. It gets easier but it is still expensive.

[HeWho]

I went through the same thing you did: False police report and temporary restraining order both dismissed.

I then went through another 4 criminal investigations from false allegations. Your working assumption should be this is just the first attempt. It gets easier but it is still expensive.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the emotional and financial toll that took on you. I'll definitely heed your warning. At this point I'm leaning more towards divorce. I'd love to work things out but this is just too much. This betrayal still haunts me. I don't know if I could ever be so trusting and vulnerable again.

I keep just telling myself that this is beyond logic and it's not her fault. I can only control my thoughts and my actions. Luckily the truth is in my favor.

[HeWho]

Another update...

Somehow the order of protection got carried out until June in which it will be dismissed. She lied multiple times saying that I had a kid with my ex wife, I created an only fans account for her, she lied about her finances. I don't know why I'm surprised by any of this. Anyhow 4 months until I can be in my own house again. I really thought it would be dismissed today. How she outdid my lawyer in court so easily without one herself was disappointing to say the least.

[BigOof]

Sounds like you need a new lawyer.

[HeWho]

Sounds like you need a new lawyer.

My exact thoughts. My wife literally said that she threatened to call the cops so she could leave and my lawyer didn't capitalize on that. She pretty much admitted to lying and I'm watching the whole thing unfold like a bad dream. I should've just taken over. The lawyer told me that he was passionate about my case so would wave the 7500 divorce fee. I'm pretty unimpressed at this point. If he couldn't handle a false protection order with evidence showing she was lying, how would he handle a divorce case?

Overall though, this is probably best for me. I had to be honest with myself, I would've probably fell back into her trap if I was able to go home. I would've probably ended up back in this situation sooner than later. Seeing her reject factual evidence for the words of a complete stranger was a slap in the face. How have I been putting up with this for the last 6 years? If I really had the chance would I just act like this never happened? Evidently, I still have a lot of self growth I need to accomplish.

Thoughts on a new lawyer though? The tricky part is division of assets. The one house is in my name (the one she kicked me out of) and the other is in both our names. Also something my lawyer suggested was I get her mentally evaluated which would be nice. Then I thought, she's so good at hiding her true character, that might not work.

[ForeverDad]

Most here never got a diagnosis.  I recall when we were first separated, my court ordered us both to get Psych Evals.  (This is just a summary evaluation, not in depth.)

I recall I took a Psych Eval when we first separated, by court order.  My results: anxiety.  Yeah, surprised?   Anyway, my lawyer flubbed it.  We did as required and shared with the other lawyer.  The problem was that her lawyer never shared her PE with us.  For all I know after all these years, she may never have even complied with the order to get a PE.  I learned my lesson.  Although I did well to ensure both of us were ordered to be assessed — so court was less likely to automatically view her as victim/accuser and me as abuser/controller — I never expected her not to comply.  And of course the court moved on.  I should have told my lawyer, "Here are my results.  Inform her lawyer that you are ready to exchange reports."

I'm not sure how much getting an evaluation, whether cursory or in depth, would impact the financial division of marital assets (properties, accounts, debts, etc).

Are you wanting some document in court revealing she has mental issues and weaken her claims against you, if not now then in the future?

Court is there to unwind the marriage or assets, they're concerned more for concerning behaviors that are actionable than for fixing the spouses.  We would do well to follow the court's pattern... focus on the facts and documented behaviors.

When I faced a few months of a ridiculous protection order, my lawyer reasoned with me... "Do you want to contact her?  No?  The judge could decide to set the length up to 5 years if we press the case.  Then let me settle this with a type of settlement order that she can't renew or extend (a real risk otherwise) and endure the restrictions by keeping your distance for the next several months."