Don’t want to jinx it… BUT

[Boogie74]

I am slowly beginning to see positive patterns by simply disengaging from splitting behaviors.   When something happens that causes J to rant (especially when she begins to “play the favorite tracks” by rehashing “problems” that are non-issues for me and any other non BPD) I have begun to simply not respond.   

Realizing that defending a situation that isn’t a true situation only escalates the problem.   If her position is that I am selfish for eating when she feels hungry (and I CLEARLY didn’t know she might be hungry), I am happy to say, “Oh- I am sorry- I can eat more- let’s order together”- but when she begins to rant that I am selfish and inconsiderate- I don’t respond at all.   It’s NOT about me.   Dishing out logic and reasoning till death is NOT going to change her feelings on the matter.   

I have begun to simply let her rant herself to silence.   I stopped trying to interrupt by offering to “fix” the issue- it stopped being about her hunger and more about her “conclusion” that I ignored her needs- and that conclusion (as warped and wrong as it is) becomes issue #1 (for her).   

There is no validation for the moment to show compassion for her “painful and mortal” injury of me not thinking about her possible hunger. 

She is having shorter and fewer splitting episodes so far

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It takes a lot less energy to do as you’re doing—simply not respond to the irrational.   

[mitten]

This is the power of understanding that BPD is the cause of the dysfunctional behavior!  Without that we would JADE like crazy to talk some sense into the person with BPD.  Keep it up!  I too have noticed an improvement by simple not engaging. 

[thankful person]

I struggle with the validation at times but since trying to follow the advice on here I’ve ended up saying a lot less in response to the rants (especially not offering to fix things) and it’s really improved things. For some reason I always thought (and sometimes said) “you know millions of people would say I’m right…” but of course that never achieved anything. Being on the forum here makes me feel validated, which I guess makes up from the lack of validation from my wife.