Avoiding future BPDs

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Hello,

I really appreciate the information on these forums.  This is my first post.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 10-months, who I assume is BPD.  I can relate to almost everything in these forums and other online descriptions of BPD behavior.  It was a very passionate, turbulent 10-month relationship with many quasi-breakups.  

I got sick of the BPD behavior and I knew I can do better.  A few months into the relationship I labeled her as BPD and then realized my codependency was also a significnat problem.  Once I addressed the codependency I started standing up for myself, setting boundaries and limits...but this just increased the strain in the relationship.

She never seemed to block or leave or cheat.  Paranoia, anger, jealousy, revenge and lying was her style.  It seems like she will never give me up.  I think she pretends to be concerned relatives (through emails) in a perverse attempt to triangulate me back into her life.

Our relationship ended with her spitting in my face and scratching my arms.  Even though I mentioned BPD and tried to discuss the issue, she is unaware her terrible behavior caused me to abandon her.  

I come out of the relationship strong and confident, yet concerned about potential future BPD women.

I don't want this to happen again...another BPD relationship.  How can I avoid these women in the future?  What are the warning signs?

In my case, they were lying, fear of abandonment, jealousy, delusions of persecution and need to control.  I ignored them early on because this woman was very beautiful, very attenative, charming and sexual.

[captain5024]

Hello,

I really appreciate the information on these forums.  This is my first post.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 10-months, who I assume is BPD.  I can relate to almost everything in these forums and other online descriptions of BPD behavior.  It was a very passionate, turbulent 10-month relationship with many quasi-breakups.  

I got sick of the BPD behavior and I knew I can do better.  A few months into the relationship I labeled her as BPD and then realized my codependency was also a significnat problem.  Once I addressed the codependency I started standing up for myself, setting boundaries and limits...but this just increased the strain in the relationship.

She never seemed to block or leave or cheat.  Paranoia, anger, jealousy, revenge and lying was her style.  It seems like she will never give me up.  I think she pretends to be concerned relatives (through emails) in a perverse attempt to triangulate me back into her life.

Our relationship ended with her spitting in my face and scratching my arms.  Even though I mentioned BPD and tried to discuss the issue, she is unaware her terrible behavior caused me to abandon her.  

I come out of the relationship strong and confident, yet concerned about potential future BPD women.

I don't want this to happen again...another BPD relationship.  How can I avoid these women in the future?  What are the warning signs?

In my case, they were lying, fear of abandonment, jealousy, delusions of persecution and need to control.  I ignored them early on because this woman was very beautiful, very attenative, charming and sexual.

[alterK]

Welcome, Captain. Ah, yes! BPD types can be wonderfully attractive, sexy and affirming during the initial stages when you are Mr. or Ms. perfect in their eyes. Once they realize that you aren't perfect (that is, human), you turn into an untrustworthy enemy. It's called splitting, if you haven't heard the term.

If your ex truly has BPD, you can be sure she blames you for all the problems in the relationship, including the breakup.

You are asking a very important question--how to avoid getting into another relationship that's like the one you are leaving? I have been impressed by how many people here (including me) have stayed for years in a relationship with a pwBPD. Understanding why isn't always easy, and for each person I think it takes some major self-searching and, usually, therapy.

Almost everyone here can look back and see there were red flags very early in the relationship--things that should have told us right away that there was going to be serious trouble ahead if we got more involved. And we went ahead anyway. Something in us said, "Yeah, go ahead!" "Pay no attention to the man (woman) behind the curtain!" And in each case, I think, the reasons were very personal and compelling. In retrospect important to try to understand.

[Deep Blue]

Welcome Captain,

I’d recommend a more thorough and activate vetting process. When meeting a woman, be attentive to possible qualities that are common amongst people with BPD. Try to see how her relationships with her friends and family are. Pay attention to how she talks about friends and family members and exes (if it comes up). If she displays a lot of black or white thinking towards people or situations, that is a sign. Try to see if she displays accountability and self reflection.

Also look out for mirroring. Try to be aware of the speed at which your intimacy with her progresses. Be cautious if you find her showering you with idealizing comments constantly or trying to move faster than what is comfortable. Stick to your gut.

Think about your ex and what were some of the early red flags that you can point out now. Whatever they were, be aware and attentive to them in future women.

After any traumatic experience, especially interpersonal, it can be tempting to be overly wary of others. Don’t let this BPD woman destroy your ability to trust others. If you remain cognizant of the signs, then you will likely be able to end the relationship before you get too attached and deep in the cycle of idealization and devaluation.

Hope this helps.

Deep Blue

[zachira]

It is also important to be aware of the green flags, the signs that you are dealing with a healthy safe person.

[grumpydonut]

My answer: finding what drew us to a borderline, and fixing it.

There is something in the majority (note, not all) of us that needed to be idealised in an unhealthy way.

Fix that, we won't find borderlines attractive.

[captain5024]

My answer: finding what drew us to a borderline, and fixing it.

There is something in the majority (note, not all) of us that needed to be idealised in an unhealthy way.

Fix that, we won't find borderlines attractive.

Outstanding.  Looking back at emails to friends, I was beginning to date multiple women, but I was attracted to her “crazy”.   I was beginning to come out of a dead marriage, where I felt dead for years…with the BPD I *finally* felt fully alive for the first time.   I shared things and experienced things I never did before.   I will value the time, experiences and growth with her forever.

We broke up for one month after she called my ex-wife unsolicited.   Caused much drama.   But, I went back to the BPD even though I had other options.

As my divorce finalized the drama of the BPD became more a burden and I wanted more stability.  The life I initially felt with her, the feeling of being alive, started feeling like death…dealing with all her issues. 

I score very high on NPD/Machevillian inventories.  It’s worth noting that I’m aware of this…and somewhat recovered.  Somewhat.   But it’s probably why I could move away from the BPD so quickly…I can discard easily as well.    It helped she spit in my face and scratched my arms during the breakup. 

BPDs/NPDs are a match made in hell.

[ILMBPDC]

My answer: finding what drew us to a borderline, and fixing it.

There is something in the majority (note, not all) of us that needed to be idealised in an unhealthy way.

Fix that, we won't find borderlines attractive.

:slow clap: yes. This.
Figuring out what your own issues are and working on them is going to be key to detaching from a BPD relationship.
People with healthy coping mechanisms, healthy self image and all-around healthy relationships wouldn't touch a pwBPD with a 10 foot pole with all the red flags they exhibit -but we overlook those red flags and right there is a sign that something is "off".
In my own self explorations I have found that my biggest issues is the childhood neglect I experienced that has caused me to seek out love (or a facsimile of it) at any cost. I have put up with so many bad relationships - Mr BPD wasn't even the worst - just because I longed to be loved and wanted and deep down I never believed I would find anyone else. But I am on a mission to heal - and the more I heal, the less appealing my ex seems to me.

[SinisterComplex]

But I am on a mission to heal - and the more I heal, the less appealing my ex seems to me.

This is good and I am following you on your journey to see it through to where you find happiness without the drama. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-