Introduction

[Mountain Girl]

Hi to all, I have been in a relationship for about 20 years with my BPD partner. I have almost joined this site many times over the years but I never had a concrete diagnosis given to my BPD so I never joined and I was afraid that he would find out. This year we've officially received the diagnosis and I am much less afraid of what he may think if he finds out that I'm searching for support. He has spent some time in treatment this year and I'm at a hopeful and learning phase or our relationship. We've tried to do couples therapy in the past and it hasn't worked, we are just starting a new journey with a new type of therapy and I feel hopeful. He seems to be making major progress and this gives me motivation to do my own work. I've been reading books on boundary setting and how to communicate with my BPD and I've been exploring the BPD family site. I would love to hear useful tips for trusting a BPD in early recovery (from the support role perspective). Thanks in advance! Mountain Girl

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi to all, I have been in a relationship for about 20 years with my BPD partner. I have almost joined this site many times over the years but I never had a concrete diagnosis given to my BPD so I never joined and I was afraid that he would find out. This year we've officially received the diagnosis and I am much less afraid of what he may think if he finds out that I'm searching for support. He has spent some time in treatment this year and I'm at a hopeful and learning phase or our relationship. We've tried to do couples therapy in the past and it hasn't worked, we are just starting a new journey with a new type of therapy and I feel hopeful. He seems to be making major progress and this gives me motivation to do my own work. I've been reading books on boundary setting and how to communicate with my BPD and I've been exploring the BPD family site. I would love to hear useful tips for trusting a BPD in early recovery (from the support role perspective). Thanks in advance! Mountain Girl

Hi Mountain Girl ...

Welcome! 

I think that you'll discover, as in any situation that is mixed in terms of times it works and times it doesn't, many of the tools you're looking for, you already have. It's the timing, isn't it?  At least that's the way it is with my daughter.

But I digress... you done a great job laying the ground for some fruitful discussion here.  And you will find there's lots of experience.

Would it be okay if I asked a couple of questions to tease things out?

- You say you've been together for 20 years. Congratulations. That's a long time. Can you say more about what has worked in keeping you two together?

- You say you've started a new journey with a new type of therapy.  Can you say more about that?

- Finally, how are things in your immediate family?  His parents - your parents - do you have children - and so on.  Same for friends. What's your friend situation like - your friends - his friends - friends in common.?

Apart from that - there are some really great tools and some reading materials here. Have you had a look yet?

Hope this helps. And good luck!

Write back whenever you feel like it.

Rev

[alterK]

Hi MG, and welcome! After 20 years that must certainly have involved some struggle (something we are all much too familiar with here) it takes courage and determination to reach out. I'll second what Rev says. Look at the "Tools" section at the top of the page and at the book reviews there. Sounds like you have already started reading, and many here have learned a lot from these books.

It's good that your partner is getting treatment, but be aware that this is usually a slow process for a pwBPD. Just as with alcoholics, it often takes more than one try. What you can definitely do is work on yourself. If you can learn different ways of dealing with difficult situations, that can make your life a lot more tolerable. Anytime you care to share specifics, people here will try to help you with suggestions.

[Mountain Girl]

My husband and I met when we were in middle school I was 12 he was 14. I came from a dysfunctional family as I was raised by a BPD mother. I was drawn to his ambition, his charm, wit and his total fall for me. We dated for several years on and off again until my senior year of high school, we were married after he finished college (I still had nursing school to complete, which I did). I first started noticing things that were challenging during our engagement or maybe even during high school, things like he would take things super personal and dump his negative emotions onto me to fix or carry. I used to feel really guilty if I didn't listen to his troubles and I would go into fix it mode and bury the feelings that I absorbed deep below my surface. As a child raised with a BP mom, I was raised believing that it was my job to help/safe/rescue others, naturally I fell into the same pattern of behavior with my husband (without any of the self awareness I have now). For years we spent chasing his lack of fullfillment with life...did he want to go to seminary did he want to be a pilot did he want to move back home and take over my families company (which is what ended up happening). During those early years of marriage we formed a relationship with another couple and we all soon became inseperable, we spent a ton of time together. Eventually this relationship failed because boundaries were being crossed (never a full out affair) but unhealthy nonetheless. I got pregnant with our first son during this time and shortly after we ended the relationship with the couple and started our first round of marriage therapy. We had moved "back home" he was running my family's business and I was in a nursing job I loved. As I am looking back this is where stuff starts to get tricky as I face truths of my life. I wanted to have a baby for a few different reasons: 1) I've always wanted to be a mother 2) I thought that my husband would refocus on me and the baby and our relationship would improve 3) I wanted something to take care of, devote my time and attention and get something back in return. During the course of my pregnancy my boss at the time said to me "birth is the first step in a series of many steps of letting your child grow and move away from you". I think that was the first time that I looked inside and thought hmmm that is how it should be...
Fast forward him going to get his MBA and deciding that there is an entire world he was missing out on being stuck in our small town and him really beginning to struggle with suicide and bouts of major depression, we decided to move our (2 kids) and ourselves to a large city. I gave my two weeks notice and left my super supportive work team and moved to a city I knew no one in. It was a isolating time for me and quickly the same patterns began to emerge: work wasn't fulfilling, no lasting relationships were being made, the noise and overstimulation of city life was becoming difficult. I should also mention at this point that I have a teenage adopted sister, my parents had divorced and I was partially responsible for her care since she was born. My sister had gotten into trouble at school so I started researching intensive family therapy programs. I found a program for her that started out as a 2 week family intensive. Her and I did the first week together and he joined the second week. That was the first major wake up call that I had, I learned that I had no one of my own that I could trust or lean on and that my family of origin was super dysfunctional and I was beginning to repeat the same patterns in my family. This was the point in my life that I began individual therapy and began to work through my "stuff" also by the end of the two weeks My husband was engaged and connected to the therapeutic process and began individual therapy and we picked back up on couples therapy. My sister was placed in an attachment based residential therapeutic school for kids that have attachment based trauma. I began as her guardian and as her person. My husband also committed to being her base and throughout the course of her treatment he began to relapse and pull away from the progress that was being made. My sister moved in with us and our (3 kids by that time) family. During the year and half that followed he became more withdrawn, would see new therapist and would stop going and we ended our marriage therapy at that point. He became very sick tried talk therapy, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (27 treatments) different medications and still had a suicidal ideation event where we started Electric shock therapy (14 treatments) and that helped... We moved from the city to a small mountain town. My sister is in college 4 hours away doing awesome and still in therapy. My husband found a new psychiatrist in our new town and we spent a year and half experimenting with a ton of different medications as well as his continued talk therapy. We began building community through our kids school and extra curricular activities, we camped and hiked and tried to do fun things together as a family and the void continued, out burst continued, discontent with life continued. This last fall he had another suicidal ideation event and we began to look at treatment options. This became a bottom line of mine that if you can't stay home and be safe then we have to find help. We found help and he spent 3 months in all kinds of intensive outpatient therapy with a companion because I still have 3 kids at home to take care of and he traveled out of state. During this time his best friend that he did meet in the former city and his best friend from our new community rallied and supported him during that journey. Now he's home and still in a ton of therapy (DBT group weekly, individual weekly, brain optimization 3 times a week, couples therapy PACT weekly, and family sessions once a month) and I feel like it is helping! I have watched him react differently, experience the world differently and try really hard.
This is where it gets tricky, I have come to a place where I am trying to embrace all his diagnosis and all those traits and learn more instead of burying the pain and telling myself to just keep going I am trying to gather support and knowledge and truly change the course of our lives for us and our family. For years I just was the strong one, the one that did it all I was both parents to our kids, I was the one that managed all the finances, travel, kid care, his medical treatments and I told myself that it was best this way. We were still together, my kids didn't have to suffer a horrible divorce and time when they wouldn't be under my watchful eye with their dad. We could overcome and be better than the family of origin we both came from. And this is what brings me to logging in today... when we are in marriage therapy, he loves to question my commitment to doing things differently. We walk away with a plan of action if you will and we are struggling to follow through. I feel like this is because I am stepping back and not taking over everything and he is still doing his individual things but not following through on the relationship spectrum. So I have been reading books, and websites and journaling and focusing on what I can do to help and today I am pissed off and full of resentment and struggling to accept my reality. That was a ton of information, and still full of a ton of holes...

[Cat Familiar]

So you’ve been super-supportive of his mental health journey, taking over the lion’s share of household responsibilities and childcare. Now that he’s questioning your desire to *do things differently* and not fully participating in his share, you feel resentment, which is understandable.

You’ve been living as a support for him for years. What about your hopes, dreams, desires?

Sometimes we need to reclaim parts of our lives that we’ve surrendered in order to make things better. It may prove to be rocky at times, but a relationship isn’t healthy if it’s not reciprocal.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[alterK]

Many (most, probably!) of us here struggle with feelings of anger toward our BPD partners. I think one reason can be that although they may be able to function well in work situations, when it comes to close personal relationships their problem solving skills are very weak. They instantly feel threatened, and then their energies become focused on protecting themselves. Forget hoping they'll meet you halfway. If they go 10% of the way you're doing well!

This is one of the reasons why what Cat says is important. We in the helping professions (I'm a retired ER doc) naturally focus on other people's needs and get satisfaction from our ability to meet them. You sound like a major caretaker! At work this is ok if you get an occasional thank you and have people you work with who are supportive. But you can only sustain this for so long, and if you don't have good support at home, well, there's no polite way I can think of to express it.

So I'll join my voice with Cat's and encourage you to do the things that make you feel replenished, satisfied, content. Whether it's reading mysteries, playing the piano, embroidery, amateur theater, hiking, whatever! You may have to be prepared for your partner to react to this as a threat to him, but, this stuff is important. It keeps you alive--literally (you haven't mentioned your physical health, but eventually stress takes its toll on everyone). And in the end it gives you strength to deal with other problems.

[Rev]

he is still doing his individual things but not following through on the relationship spectrum. So I have been reading books, and websites and journaling and focusing on what I can do to help and today I am pissed off and full of resentment and struggling to accept my reality.

So ... even though you say there's a ton of holes you've been courageous in outlining this much. Those of us who have been there can fill in the blanks because Cat and Alter K have put their finger on a central dynamic.

So my comment is meant to build on their assertion about visioning your dreams and wishes.

1) You've got a lot invested in this relationship plus a family to which you are responsible. And it appears that you have been doing the lion's share of the lifting.  Feelings of resentment are understandable and normal even in the best of conditions. Human beings continually face the paradox of needing to fulfill personal needs in the midst of needing to do this in relationships. It's the way we are wired. Bottom line - resentment - while normal - is corrosive and will eventually work against you in laying good, firm boundaries.  I would encourage you to work on focussing instead on the other part of what I have highlighted.

2) I'm not sure that struggling to accept your reality is a bad thing. I am wondering that if you would work on accepting your resentment as normal and so then unhooking from it, you would be more comfortable with not accepting your reality.  Therapy with a Mindfulness/CBT focus or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy focus could be helpful.

Hang in there. And keep reaching out. You're among friends here.

Rev