Am I just playing a part?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm struggling. My boyfriend of 2 years with bpd started devaluing me and met another woman and talked to her for a few weeks and admits he was obsessed with her.. he was idealizing her... he says he still loved me but he was empty and sad and angry and it felt good to talk to someone.  I honestly understand... but I found out and left and it switched something and then he was all about me again. He is seeking help and he just wants us to go back to before everything went insane.. alot of stressful events have occurred in our life the last few months with family, jobs etc. 
My problem is I'm so confused. This is the first time he let the bpd consume him so much since we got together that he actually had an emotional affair. He even admits given his frame of mind he doesn't know if it would've gone further.
I believe he loves me.  I think. This is so.. SO incredibly hard for me because I didn't know he actually had bpd. He does have ptsd. But..  I gave him EVERYTHING. I love him like I've never loved anyone in my entire life. I thought we were different. I thought he truly understood me and loved me for me. 
Then he just disappeared.
Then he came back.
And I'm left wondering what the hell.. how do I process my pain while also being there for him? I am questioning everything. Does he REALLY love me?
I read something last night about the difference between regret and remorse.
He gave me both during this.  His actions after the pain when he "snapped out of it" was genuine regret AND remorse. Remorse is where pwBPD usually fall short. He did regret his actions.. but he aldo owned up to it and he really really was sorry he hurt me and he wanted to change and wants to be different and HE is scared because he then remembered how happy we were.  He remembered how much better he was doing.  He remembered how much love we have for each other. 
How do I get past the deep intense pain, confusion, hit to my self esteem.. hit to my mind.  Because I knew in every fiber of my being that he was my person.  I saw us together old and gray. I was with my ex husband for nearly 15 years and never saw that. Not even once. So then I wonder if I was tricked. Am I just playing a part in his cycle or does he really truly love me?

[Sunshine1111]

I'm struggling. My boyfriend of 2 years with bpd started devaluing me and met another woman and talked to her for a few weeks and admits he was obsessed with her.. he was idealizing her... he says he still loved me but he was empty and sad and angry and it felt good to talk to someone.  I honestly understand... but I found out and left and it switched something and then he was all about me again. He is seeking help and he just wants us to go back to before everything went insane.. alot of stressful events have occurred in our life the last few months with family, jobs etc. 
My problem is I'm so confused. This is the first time he let the bpd consume him so much since we got together that he actually had an emotional affair. He even admits given his frame of mind he doesn't know if it would've gone further.
I believe he loves me.  I think. This is so.. SO incredibly hard for me because I didn't know he actually had bpd. He does have ptsd. But..  I gave him EVERYTHING. I love him like I've never loved anyone in my entire life. I thought we were different. I thought he truly understood me and loved me for me. 
Then he just disappeared.
Then he came back.
And I'm left wondering what the hell.. how do I process my pain while also being there for him? I am questioning everything. Does he REALLY love me?
I read something last night about the difference between regret and remorse.
He gave me both during this.  His actions after the pain when he "snapped out of it" was genuine regret AND remorse. Remorse is where pwBPD usually fall short. He did regret his actions.. but he aldo owned up to it and he really really was sorry he hurt me and he wanted to change and wants to be different and HE is scared because he then remembered how happy we were.  He remembered how much better he was doing.  He remembered how much love we have for each other. 
How do I get past the deep intense pain, confusion, hit to my self esteem.. hit to my mind.  Because I knew in every fiber of my being that he was my person.  I saw us together old and gray. I was with my ex husband for nearly 15 years and never saw that. Not even once. So then I wonder if I was tricked. Am I just playing a part in his cycle or does he really truly love me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Sunshine1111, welcome from me, too.

Anyone would be confused, at minimum, in your situation. I wonder if it's almost "worse" because he is genuinely remorseful and regretful after the fact, so there's that, yet then there's also what he is doing -- the disappearing, the other woman, the "getting lost" in the BPD stuff in a way that you guys haven't experienced before.

This just makes so much sense to be asking right now:

I am questioning everything. Does he REALLY love me?

It's a huge question for people whose partners have BPD (whether traits or diagnosed).

I wonder if you've seen this thread before, over in our "Psychology questions and answers" board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

Working through "did s/he ever love me" is a core question for you and others. I'd be curious to know what you think after reading through that thread.

Good to see you back here;

kells76