9 Months After The Split And It is Getting Tough

[MrRight]

Just to summarize for those of you who have not followed my story. I finally left my dysfunctional 2- year marriage in March last year. I have not seen her since June.
Things were going quite well in the early days - obviously my new found freedom was a novelty - and I live close to my mother - I even met someone in May and that lasted until August. But since then I feel like I have been sliding into a meaningless existence. I took up painting - did some good creative things - but that distraction did not last long. Now I can hardly muster up the motivation to pick up a brush. I lost all interest in finding someone new. All I do now is get up in the morning - have breakfast - work - walk - and in the evening I watch a film and do some more work. There are some people I get together with on a Sunday for a walk.
The worst thing now is financial pressure - I pay quite a lot of maintenance and obviously have my own living expenses plus tax etc. It has been ok until now but as I am self employed my income is not consistent - if it goes below a certain level in any one month it can mean trouble. I am 1 month behind on my rent which depresses me. Cutting her money is out of the question as the money is for both her and my son who is at university - they do need it.
But the bigger problem is my motivation for living - as I seem to be just in a fairly boring routine.
She has left the door open of course and continually asks me to come back. But frankly with the empty existence I have right now - at least I am in control of what happens to me - the everyday small details of life are in my control - what time I get up - how much TV I watch - what and when I eat - go to the toilet - how much I work - go for a walk etc etc - and these small freedoms are really what I left her for. To give them all up at this stage is unthinkable.
Nevertheless - returning to her at some point in the future - maybe when my son is graduated and wants to move away from her - is something that has crossed my mind. It would take the pressure off him and I might be able to live some kind of functional life with her.

Well that's about it. Hope I snap out of this soon but I can see it is a difficult road ahead and what I hoped for as a result of leaving the marriage seems not to have materialised.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi MrRight, 

It sounds like you're in a rough place, and I'm glad you reached out. I think it's really easy to feel lonely or alone even in the midst of a group of people. Do you think the way you're feeling is affecting your motivation/ability to work? I find that they're often cconnected, the way we feel and the way we walk through everyday life.

I like the fact that you took up painting and that you have a group to walk with once a week. Finding those constructive things can be helpful.

I picked up on the fact that you mentioned that the painting was a distraction (maybe the person you dated was a distraction too?), and while distractions can help for a time, they don't get down into the heart of what is going on. To move forward and be healthy, those of us here on detaching try to look at the core issues going on inside of us. Do you have any ideas of what you might be feeling or experiencing in your soul?

Wools

[finallyout]

So sorry you are going through this, my friend. I think part of this feeling of emptiness is the loss of validation and attention that a partner can give us. This is true in general and even more true when the ex partner has BPD.

The feeling of emptiness and lack of meaning you experience is very familiar to me as well. That's why I got into a relationship with me ex-gf in the first place. I needed this validation, "love" and attention very much. It filled the void inside of me, but just for a while. After that, I experienced the devaluation, which is the other side of the BPD coin.

I think you should look closely at the source of those feelings, they most probably stem from a childhood experiences you had. Maybe of not being loved enough. Perhaps it is also worth discussing those feelings with a therapist, who can help you move on and find your way. Getting back together with your wife does not seem a step in the proper direction.

Wish you all the best!

[grumpydonut]

and I might be able to live some kind of functional life with her

"Borderline features a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships"

[GaGrl]

When you start thinking you might be able to "live some sort of functional life with her," please go back and read your poet bus as you attempted to free yourself of an extremely controlling marriage.

I'm not surprised you are experiencing a sense of let-down. So much of your time and attention and definition of self was focused on your then-wife, and now you must discover who you are, at this point in your life.

A therapist can help you with this re-discovery.

How is your son doing? I am concerned that he is having to pick up support of her dysfunctional behaviors. When does he graduate?

[ACycleWiser]

Well that's about it. Hope I snap out of this soon but I can see it is a difficult road ahead and what I hoped for as a result of leaving the marriage seems not to have materialised.

I can see how frustrating and even frightening you current situation is.

The thing is, this looks similar to a delayed burnout. You left the relationship, tried to rebuild your life with perhaps your last reserves of energy... but a lack of perspective seems to be dragging you down now.

I know when i left my marriage, i just wanted to fix my life asap. What i didn't do initially is really think for a moment and use the opportunity to reinvent my life and my ambitions, i just wanted to restore a previous state. And that did not give me positive results.

So perhaps you need to take a broader perspective. It's not just a marriage that you left, but perhaps there is also a new you that you have not arrived at accepting. A new you that wants to draw its energy from different things now- perhaps even unconsidered options.

I strongly believe leaving a bpd relationship initiates a transformative process, do you have a sense what this transformation could look like for you?

[MrRight]

When you start thinking you might be able to "live some sort of functional life with her," please go back and read your poet bus as you attempted to free yourself of an extremely controlling marriage.

I'm not surprised you are experiencing a sense of let-down. So much of your time and attention and definition of self was focused on your then-wife, and now you must discover who you are, at this point in your life.

A therapist can help you with this re-discovery.

How is your son doing? I am concerned that he is having to pick up support of her dysfunctional behaviors. When does he graduate?

Yes I know - I don't need to go and look at my old posts. Her messages to me are evidence enough of her instability. He graduates in Sep 2023 - so a way off yet. But he does want to move on from her after that time so he can live his own life. I wonder what kind of tricks she is going to use to stop him from going. A bit of emotional blackmail perhaps. From what he tells me they live a relatively functional life as son and mother sharing the same space. But she has nothing to blame him for - unlike me - I have a catalogue of sins on my books. I think it's part of the reason for my depression that I am even imagining I could end up going back to her.

In the meantime I need to fix my finances so will focus on that if nothing else. I did have a grand plan to go away in the spring when the weather gets warm and travel on the road - I need to get my mind focused as that is something I have been wanting to do - but I need to get positive.

Thanks to all for your messages and support.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi MrRight-

I remember all of your prior posts, too.  Almost as if I’d written them myself.  And they were painful, terribly painful.

You lived in fear and under her complete control - for 20 years. And you already experienced living alone with your now exW, after your dear son had left for university.  You waited for that day. So alone with her would not an environment unfamiliar to you.  It did NOT improve anything about her behavior.  At all.

If memory serves, I thought your exW was getting the home sale proceeds and then you did not have to provide any further financial support to her?  Not true?

But...you do NOT owe her any communication.  None. Your son is an adult, so you can converse privately with him; and he will understand and respect that boundary.  NOW is the time for you to protect yourself from any words she may try to convincingly use on you.  Please.

Of course you’re experiencing very lonely times.  This is a natural part of the healing process.  And none of us wants to feel this.  We convince ourselves that “the leaving” is the ONE AND ONLY THING that must be done.  But there is more.  You have the time now to find out who you are and what you truly want in your life.  With no one else’s cloud over you.

Please know, the answer to the emptiness you feel right now does NOT lie in going back to what caused the MOST pain to you.  That person, your exW is the one who caused that pain.  That horrible emptiness, that fear.  That is the thing to KNOW.  To BELIEVE.  To UNDERSTAND.

The other things to KNOW, BELIEVE and UNDERSTAND are that YOU are MORE than ENOUGH.  On your own.  To bring happiness and peace to yourself.  Simply because now you have the freedom to do this, my friend.

I know this loneliness.  I am almost 2 years out.  I had had thoughts of allowing him to come back.  And I stopped myself.  Stopped him.  I make myself REMEMBER.

My friend, you can walk through this at your pace.  Please keep posting. 

Hugs around you.
Gemsforeyes

[finallyout]

Hi MrRight,

Actually, I went back and read all your posts from the very first one. Just WOW!
 
Your ex-wife seems to be a very extreme case of BPD and I sincerely don't think that any kind of functional relationship will be possible with her, nor with anyone with this disorder. It is not that people with BPD don't want to change, it is more that they really can't change, they can't control their behavior and triggers. Unless they go in a therapy with a professional therapist, there will be no chance of any proper emotional functioning. I do think you know this very well since you had to endure 18 years of this. You had a great deal of suffering, and you made huge efforts to finally escape this abusive relationship.

So the questions that you have to ask yourself, do you prefer being alone or getting back to that dark place, where you have to endure all this again! And I believe, if you do go back there, this time it is going to be even worse. Since she will trust now that she owns you, and you can't get away from her.

At the end it is really your decision but please, be careful and consider your next move well.

[DogMom2019]

It's the lack of will to live that is a total shock to me. I have never been in that state, and I've been in some bad situations, but something about my spouse cyclically threatening to divorce me and the heaviness of all that is involved in a BPD marriage has really gotten me in a place where my Therapist calls it passive SI (wanting to sleep until all this is over). I can't offer much except my therapist has said to make sure I do the little things everyday... Go outside everyday and let the sun hit my face, shower consistently, drink plenty of fluids which will make you go to the restroom more (in turn making you move more), take it hour by hour and then when that hour is up congratulate yourself and plan for the next hour.

She said these splits/break ups are usually some of the worst she sees because of the damage it does to the BPD partners. I have a little extra energy today, I'm sending it your way.

Peace and Light!
DogMom

[MrRight]

Hi MrRight-

I remember all of your prior posts, too.  Almost as if I’d written them myself.  And they were painful, terribly painful.

You lived in fear and under her complete control - for 20 years. And you already experienced living alone with your now exW, after your dear son had left for university.  You waited for that day. So alone with her would not an environment unfamiliar to you.  It did NOT improve anything about her behavior.  At all.

If memory serves, I thought your exW was getting the home sale proceeds and then you did not have to provide any further financial support to her?  Not true?

But...you do NOT owe her any communication.  None. Your son is an adult, so you can converse privately with him; and he will understand and respect that boundary.  NOW is the time for you to protect yourself from any words she may try to convincingly use on you.  Please.

Of course you’re experiencing very lonely times.  This is a natural part of the healing process.  And none of us wants to feel this.  We convince ourselves that “the leaving” is the ONE AND ONLY THING that must be done.  But there is more.  You have the time now to find out who you are and what you truly want in your life.  With no one else’s cloud over you.

Please know, the answer to the emptiness you feel right now does NOT lie in going back to what caused the MOST pain to you.  That person, your exW is the one who caused that pain.  That horrible emptiness, that fear.  That is the thing to KNOW.  To BELIEVE.  To UNDERSTAND.

The other things to KNOW, BELIEVE and UNDERSTAND are that YOU are MORE than ENOUGH.  On your own.  To bring happiness and peace to yourself.  Simply because now you have the freedom to do this, my friend.

I know this loneliness.  I am almost 2 years out.  I had had thoughts of allowing him to come back.  And I stopped myself.  Stopped him.  I make myself REMEMBER.

My friend, you can walk through this at your pace.  Please keep posting. 

Hugs around you.
Gemsforeyes

Thanks for your reply. I tried to logon recently but the site was down. I am reminded to make a contribution (which I have done in the past) as I can imagine it does cost money to keep the site going and it is so important. Glad to see it back.

Im not going back of course and yes I do force myself to remember what it was like. I have much to blame myself for - I often think if I had been more loving and positive in the early days - she would not have got so bad - but I will never know. I think she felt I never paid her the attention she needed - but she was always being difficult from the early days - and so I had some resentment inside myself as I stupidly allowed myself to be sucked into her world. To be honest - 5 months after marriage I was plotting an escape route realising what I had done - then she got pregnant and that was that. But I cannot regret - as my son is a really fine young man and seems to be getting on very well. Only looking at him can I justify those 20 years.
The money from the house sale was not enough to divide - only enough to buy 1 reasonable flat for her and him to share - so it had to be. Keep all the money in one place. She put it in his name.
I am paying substantial maintenance until he graduates which is 16 months from now.
But I am moving on - my spirits have improved and I am moving out of my flat - have bought a caravan and am going to spend the next years touring the UK - a nomadic lifestyle - in just over a week I move out of my flat. I am going to write a book about the experience.
Of course she knows about this and has ridiculed the whole idea but people I know have been very positive about it. I try to keep communications down to a minimum - she does rant at me - and I tend not to respond.
Thanks for the vibes xxx I promise I am not going back no way - I only ever went back due to practical issues - but now the marriage is dissolved and the house sold - there is no more reason to see her. She is ill - she never has admitted to being at fault ever. Fortunately her need to destroy is focused on me alone - and my son and her seem to get on well, for which I am thankful.

[MrRight]

Hi MrRight,

Actually, I went back and read all your posts from the very first one. Just WOW!
 
Your ex-wife seems to be a very extreme case of BPD and I sincerely don't think that any kind of functional relationship will be possible with her, nor with anyone with this disorder. It is not that people with BPD don't want to change, it is more that they really can't change, they can't control their behavior and triggers. Unless they go in a therapy with a professional therapist, there will be no chance of any proper emotional functioning. I do think you know this very well since you had to endure 18 years of this. You had a great deal of suffering, and you made huge efforts to finally escape this abusive relationship.

So the questions that you have to ask yourself, do you prefer being alone or getting back to that dark place, where you have to endure all this again! And I believe, if you do go back there, this time it is going to be even worse. Since she will trust now that she owns you, and you can't get away from her.

At the end it is really your decision but please, be careful and consider your next move well.

You went back and read my awful story? Well - you are right in what you say. It would be suicide for me to go back. I have friends here - people I met through a walking group - its nice to know people who don't explode or scream from some perceived sleight. And as you may read from my other post I am going to pursue my dream to lead a nomadic lifestyle. Being single and alone is fine with me - I initially felt a need to meet someone again after the divorce - and I did meet someone but it didn't work and since that time - I have cooled off on the idea of getting into another relationship. I will simply get on with what I want to do - if I happen to meet someone who I can have a proper balanced  relationship with - that's fine - and if not - it doesn't matter - there is plenty to do and look forward to. Yes you are correct - if I go back - she will extract painful horrible revenge - I won't put myself in her company again.

[MrRight]

It's the lack of will to live that is a total shock to me. I have never been in that state, and I've been in some bad situations, but something about my spouse cyclically threatening to divorce me and the heaviness of all that is involved in a BPD marriage has really gotten me in a place where my Therapist calls it passive SI (wanting to sleep until all this is over). I can't offer much except my therapist has said to make sure I do the little things everyday... Go outside everyday and let the sun hit my face, shower consistently, drink plenty of fluids which will make you go to the restroom more (in turn making you move more), take it hour by hour and then when that hour is up congratulate yourself and plan for the next hour.

She said these splits/break ups are usually some of the worst she sees because of the damage it does to the BPD partners. I have a little extra energy today, I'm sending it your way.

Peace and Light!
DogMom

Thanks - that is interesting about passive SI - yes I can relate to that. Though I had times in my marriage where I basically felt it would never be over. And to be honest - the worst she got - the more positive I started to feel - as I knew there was a point beyond which I would not endure - and I had all the justification for using whatever means necessary to get out. I was locked in the house and escaped by climbing through a window. So embarrassing to admit. I knew it was humiliating when I was doing it - but decided to make escape my no 1 priority no matter what - I set every other consideration to one side. It certainly worked. I hope you find a way through. I also took it 1 day at a time and basically focused on practical matters and the job of being a father. In the early years - getting out wasn't even worth thinking about - it seemed so far off and I often thought I will just never get there. But the years fell off one at a time and finally the moment arrived. Its good you have therapy - you need someone on your side.

[Red22]

...
But since then I feel like I have been sliding into a meaningless existence. I took up painting - did some good creative things - but that distraction did not last long. Now I can hardly muster up the motivation to pick up a brush. I lost all interest in finding someone new. All I do now is get up in the morning - have breakfast - work - walk - and in the evening I watch a film and do some more work. There are some people I get together with on a Sunday for a walk.
...
But the bigger problem is my motivation for living - as I seem to be just in a fairly boring routine.
She has left the door open of course and continually asks me to come back. But frankly with the empty existence I have right now - at least I am in control of what happens to me - the everyday small details of life are in my control - what time I get up - how much TV I watch - what and when I eat - go to the toilet - how much I work - go for a walk etc etc - and these small freedoms are really what I left her for. To give them all up at this stage is unthinkable.
Nevertheless - returning to her at some point in the future - maybe when my son is graduated and wants to move away from her - is something that has crossed my mind. It would take the pressure off him and I might be able to live some kind of functional life with her.

Well that's about it. Hope I snap out of this soon but I can see it is a difficult road ahead and what I hoped for as a result of leaving the marriage seems not to have materialised.

Hello, MrRight.

I'm also 9 to 10 months out of a long-term abusive marriage, and I can relate to parts of your post.
Despite the dysfunction, I feel I lost a large part of my life on ending that relationship.
Over the last 16 to 17 years I did so much alone, or just with her, that there's no one else who shares the memories. It feels like things never happened as nobody else knows. So many events in my life have evaporated - the years have gone. I have a headfull of meaningless memories now - a vacuum filled Swiss cheese.  The only way to regain any solidity to that would be to get back together with her.
.
I'm still working, but have moved into my 3rd job since the middle of last June; I start at a new place next Monday.
Working's become Groundhog Day where it used to be the best. That's partly down to the virus and restrictions - teaching isn't even close to what it used to be - but it's partly me, too; I'm worn out, worn down, and I've had enough, I think.
The new place offers a change in methodologies, let's see what happens.
.
I have absolutely no interest in finding someone new.
.
Motivation is a large issue - my motivation is survival. I work to find the money to survive, and I get through the day in increments suitable to that day.
.
Weekends are for beer and movies, Youtube wins out. I take care of the house, service the motorcycle, hang out with my dogs, and I stay home a lot.
.
That's the similarities.
.
The difference is that I celebrate the opportunity to have time alone and to have gotten out and survived that relationship, and the more time I spend in reflection the more I put 2 and 2 together and I realise how extremely lucky I had been for well over a decade to have physically survived that relationship.
.
I may be home alone, but I wouldn't have it any other way, and in no way whatsoever do I even consider contacting my wife at any point, for any reason, at all, ever. Regaining lost years be damned. They're gone.
I'm as positive as can be that I made the right decision.
.
- Yes, what I wanted for my marriage never materialised, but that disaster wasn't the end of me.
- Yes, it's a meaningless drudge much of the time, but it's MY meaningless drudge and I'm in control of it. And, actually, does my every action need to have deep existential meaning? Or, as the last 6 days, can I sit during a holiday and do nothing but get slowly drunk in the afternoon, watching the birds, chilling out, literally feeling myself relax, and have absolutely no guilt about how my time is spent?
- Yes, motivation is difficult. But do I need any more to be that go-getting go-getter with the drive of a thousand suns pulling everything and everyone along behind him uphill and downdale all day and all night? I'm not dragging that ball and chain these days. I'm not fighting that flood of negativity. I'm not clad in ironsides against the devaluation. I'm not planning for what will be broken this weekend or what will be instigated or cancelled last minute. I can sit around in a t-shirt and shorts where it used to be belt, braces, hobnail boots and a crash helmet.
- Best of all, I can sleep when I like now, not just for 2 hours when I collapse.
.
I can relate to your post in many ways, but I'm approaching from a very different direction - the direction of being an entirely selfish, self-centred, self indulgent, protectionist, lazy, layabout asshat, and, in my free time, that's the way things are staying.
I'm happy with that status quo.
I survived.
Sitting here in my meaningless, directionless, motivation-free bubble; it's cool - very Zen some days. I like it.
.
Best of luck with snapping out into whatever it is you feel you need to be right now and the direction you feel you need to take.
Kindest regards
Red

[MrRight]

Thanks Red22 - there's not much difference between us in many ways. My son feeds back to me how she lives her life - and I think about how I would have to live my life. In a way - I enjoy this aimless existence just like you do. It's a lazy life and yeah I binge on youtube as well.
The memories don't count for nothing - we had good times as a family and there are times I treasure - bringing up my son etc - nobody can take that away. I blame myself for a lot of things - it is clearer to me why things went the way they did - though at the heart of it is her character.
I admit I do nevertheless think of going back to her maybe in several years - as living the rest of my life alone - which could be the case - and I have 20 years with her shared history - it's a big pull. I saw a photo of her taken recently - she has gone downhill a lot and yet she is 12 years younger than me - this divorce has taken a greater toll on her as I thought it would. Some BPD women are stringing men along - hurting them - having affairs etc - but that's not her. She always made it clear I was the only one she would ever love. Though antics at times could not be loving but destructive.
But I have embarked on a new phase of my life as I am touring in a caravan and living on the road. Something I could never do with her if we were together.
Well - keep going as best you can - as we all try to do.