Help me out here, please (long post)

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post and I'm going to give you all the details from my recent breakup. No names will be given, just initials. Please tell me if this is a case of BPD, or something else. I have some specific questions at the end, and I hope some of you may be able to help me figure this out.


In mid-August 2021, I matched with "M" on Bumble. She was gorgeous and sounded fun. She was a photographer. We began messaging each other and eventually agreed to meet on the first Saturday in September. I reserved a table at a nice restaurant and even bought her a gift (a little weed pen - she said she was California Sober which means she smokes weed but doesn't drink).

The first date seemed like something out of a movie. It was perfect. She looked fantastic. She smelled nice. She was funny and intelligent. We agreed on big issue things - like how we wanted our future relationships to go. We were both divorced, no kids, and had been divorced from our exes for 6-7 years. She told me she had been on a date the night before, but hadn't enjoyed it very much. This time, she said, it was wonderful. Some background - she lives at home with her mom, and had lived there since her divorce. She really wanted to be married again and have kids, a house, the whole shebang. I want these things too! Perfect!
I felt like I was on cloud nine. One of the things she said that evening that stood out - regarding learning from her past relationships - was "In my next relationship, if something comes up and we have an issue or problem, we'll talk about it. We'll work it out. The other person won't just get up and leave."

We were together every single day following our first date. We became Facebook official by the third day and ALL of her friends and family posted that they were overjoyed and happy for her, to have FINALLY met a guy.

After this, I asked M what her relationships had been like. She said to me that she hadn't slept overnight with a man in bed since her ex-husband (remember, they divorced 6 years earlier). In terms of sex, she said she hadn't had sex in almost two and a half years. She said she had only had a handful of boyfriends in her life, and that she hadn't really dated in a long time (no specifics given).

We ended up seeing each other every single day. She lived in a part of town that's about 30 miles away from me, but since she lived with her mom, she said she preferred coming to me and staying a few days (she'd bring her work computer and everything) because we could have our privacy (and lots of sex).

Within the first two weeks, I met her grandparents, her mom, her brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, and best friends. Everyone was great. Everyone told her that they were happy she "finally met the right guy." She said she had found her person and bragged to her friends about our sex life. She posted a photo of us together on her personal IG with the caption "All it takes is ONE" and posted stories of us together - all lovey-dovey stuff. We continued to agree on so much and said "when you know, you know" - we had found our person, we told each other. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too. Lightning fast? Yup. But again... we're adults. We've been through divorce. We know what we're looking for and we don't need to follow any rules, right? Well, here's some of the red flags I started to notice...

She insisted on me wearing a condom and getting tested for STDs - she said she had had bad sexual experiences in the past, with some guy finishing inside her without her permission when she was 17 years old. I got tested, everything negative, and a few days later she mounted me without me wearing a condom. I didn't finish, and she stopped quickly. What was that about? Are we good without condoms now?... A few days later I started with her, no condom, and she said no no no, this has to stop. She would get on birth control, she said, even though she didn't like using it (it made her feel gross).
She had major problems with her father - they didn't have the best relationship, following the nasty divorce between him and her mother when she was a kid. Her father's new wife was outwardly hostile to M, during her early teenage years. M said to me that she had been through "years of therapy" regarding her dad. Her mom told me unabashedly, in front of M, that she "hated" her ex-husband.
M said her brother sometimes reminded her of their dad, even though she was very close with her brother. In fact, her brother sent her memes constantly on Instagram... including one - a tattoo idea - of a man going down on a woman... (Why would her BROTHER send her that?)
Her mom was unemployed and lived in a nice house that her second husband had gotten them... but that husband had had major health problems and died a few years ago. She was a depressed woman - kind, but clearly depressed.

I joked once about us getting a joint bank account because M was doing fairly well with her photography. She did female empowerment photography and constantly posted on her Instagram page (she had three -  a personal one, and two professional ones) inspiring messages about loving oneself and loving one's body. She didn't have a lot of self-confidence regarding her physique, but had plenty of sexy photos of herself where she looked very confident. She told me she thought she was too fat and was sensitive about her stomach (she looked good - a little overweight but good). --- and after the joint bank account comment, she texted me saying that we were moving fast, and that she didn't want to get "how I always get - overwhelmed and freaked out."

So I slowed down. And a few days later... she said "let's go look at model homes." And we did. And she talked about which rooms our kids would be in. I was a little confused - was this moving "too fast" or was this ok? We did this a couple times, and each time she talked about how happy she was looking at them with me because she was excited for our future together. I asked what we would do for Halloween... and she said, "Uhh I don't know." We never talked about it. What about our families meeting before Thanksgiving? Her mom said "How about Nov 14?" I said yeah that works. M seemed less confident about it, weirdly, just saying "Ok sure."

We went on "vacation" together in early October (it was a photography/business trip for her, but she invited me along). She said to me while there that she had never been so happy, being "with the love of my life" and soaking up the sun. Remember how she doesn't drink? She hadn't in 10 years... and yet, asked for a sip of my cocktail while on vacation. She smoked weed with me, but not as much as I did, admittedly.

I told her everyday that she was my "dream woman," and that I knew she was the one for me the moment I met her. I consistently told her she was beautiful, smart, and amazing. She didn't always seem to be the most self-confident person, so I thought it was helping her. She said she was happy... and then one day, she seemed put-off by me saying it. Was it constant? Well, I said it everyday because she had mentioned before on her professional instagram page that "you deserve to be reminded everyday how beautiful and special you are." I took this to heart. She never told me to stop. She never communicated any negative feelings. Occasionally she said her dog missed her. She said her brother had said he missed her. I said, she could go see him or her dog or stay at home whenever she needed to... but she said she was good, everything was fine, and she wanted to be with me. So why was she upset suddenly with me being so affectionate? Well, she said, her dad and ex-husband had never been like that, they didn't pay her any compliments, and she wasn't used to it so much. A friend of mine said to me, "what woman doesn't want her boyfriend to gush over her everyday, especially if she never got that love before?"

Then one day I couldn't go to her brother's place for dinner. I had a migraine and said I better not go. She got upset and went without me. The next day, her mom told me, verbatim, "that's one of her triggers." M said that her ex-husband used to bail on her family constantly and never wanted to be a part of their lives. I apologized for my actions, but said it wasn't anything personal - I had a migraine. She said it was OK and never mentioned it again. We saw her brother and sister-in-law again a couple weeks later... they didn't seem particularly warm or friendly to me, like they knew something I didn't know.

And then, the very next day, 7 weeks into our relationship, she broke up with me. We had been together every single day of those 7 weeks. She said "Maybe I'm just overthinking it... but I just don't think I see a future with you." This was a shock. I was barely awake, having just woken up from bed, and asked if we could talk it through. She flatly said no. She continued, "I would never let you drive my children." I had had road rage a couple times with her, but nothing extreme - just telling off some idiot drivers. Then she said I was "immature" about not being able to cook anything, or not knowing how to clean my bathroom. She added that she didn't miss me when she left my apartment because she liked having alone time (even though she had texted me every time after leaving saying "I miss you.") and that she didn't sleep well with me in bed (she would snore loudly). She said she would text me in a couple weeks and took her things (she had practically moved in) and left.

Two weeks later, nothing. No contact. She still had our photo on IG (then removed it), and still followed me... she watched all my stories within 5 minutes of me posting them. Including her friends. She had posted on other friends' pages that she had been very sad and crying, needing lots of alone time.
So I broke the rule and reached out. I asked to see her, just to talk (I wanted some closure, at least, but didn't say that specifically). She said she didn't think it would help and if it was to try to change things, dragging it out would be wrong. I apologized for being "overbearing" and making her feel smothered, as this seemed to me to be what happened, and said I was sad she was gone (but nothing mopey). She said she appreciated it, and that "I enjoyed our time together but it ultimately just wasn't the right fit. I wish you well." -- she blocked me from IG and FB two days later. She posted the day after I texted her that she was happy in her life and was proud of following her intuition, and not "living in fear." This felt personal to me, like an attack almost, even if it was indirect. Her friends and family still followed me... and then a couple months later they deleted me (her mom and grandma still follow me).

A friend who watched her stories said that by early December she had a new BF (a guy who looks like a shorter, older, heavier version of me). Based on what I can see... she started dating him about two weeks (at MOST) after breaking up with me. She's still with him now (3 months after our breakup), and he is FRESH out of a marriage (literally separated from his ex-wife in Sept or Oct, started dating M by early November). He's not even officially divorced yet. And none of her friends follow him on social media. Additionally, and this isn't terribly important, but... she hasn't posted any photos of him. Stories, yes. But not photos. And... she looks like she gained 20 pounds.

So... is this BPD? Is it something else? Will I ever hear from M again? How do I move forward? I have never been so heartbroken over a breakup before. I thought she was perfect and we had SO MUCH going for us... and then, boom. She's done with me, and already in another relationship. What did I do wrong? What do I do now? Should I talk to her again? What do I do?

 

[harbinger70]

This is my first post and I'm going to give you all the details from my recent breakup. No names will be given, just initials. Please tell me if this is a case of BPD, or something else. I have some specific questions at the end, and I hope some of you may be able to help me figure this out.


In mid-August 2021, I matched with "M" on Bumble. She was gorgeous and sounded fun. She was a photographer. We began messaging each other and eventually agreed to meet on the first Saturday in September. I reserved a table at a nice restaurant and even bought her a gift (a little weed pen - she said she was California Sober which means she smokes weed but doesn't drink).

The first date seemed like something out of a movie. It was perfect. She looked fantastic. She smelled nice. She was funny and intelligent. We agreed on big issue things - like how we wanted our future relationships to go. We were both divorced, no kids, and had been divorced from our exes for 6-7 years. She told me she had been on a date the night before, but hadn't enjoyed it very much. This time, she said, it was wonderful. Some background - she lives at home with her mom, and had lived there since her divorce. She really wanted to be married again and have kids, a house, the whole shebang. I want these things too! Perfect!
I felt like I was on cloud nine. One of the things she said that evening that stood out - regarding learning from her past relationships - was "In my next relationship, if something comes up and we have an issue or problem, we'll talk about it. We'll work it out. The other person won't just get up and leave."

We were together every single day following our first date. We became Facebook official by the third day and ALL of her friends and family posted that they were overjoyed and happy for her, to have FINALLY met a guy.

After this, I asked M what her relationships had been like. She said to me that she hadn't slept overnight with a man in bed since her ex-husband (remember, they divorced 6 years earlier). In terms of sex, she said she hadn't had sex in almost two and a half years. She said she had only had a handful of boyfriends in her life, and that she hadn't really dated in a long time (no specifics given).

We ended up seeing each other every single day. She lived in a part of town that's about 30 miles away from me, but since she lived with her mom, she said she preferred coming to me and staying a few days (she'd bring her work computer and everything) because we could have our privacy (and lots of sex).

Within the first two weeks, I met her grandparents, her mom, her brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, and best friends. Everyone was great. Everyone told her that they were happy she "finally met the right guy." She said she had found her person and bragged to her friends about our sex life. She posted a photo of us together on her personal IG with the caption "All it takes is ONE" and posted stories of us together - all lovey-dovey stuff. We continued to agree on so much and said "when you know, you know" - we had found our person, we told each other. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too. Lightning fast? Yup. But again... we're adults. We've been through divorce. We know what we're looking for and we don't need to follow any rules, right? Well, here's some of the red flags I started to notice...

She insisted on me wearing a condom and getting tested for STDs - she said she had had bad sexual experiences in the past, with some guy finishing inside her without her permission when she was 17 years old. I got tested, everything negative, and a few days later she mounted me without me wearing a condom. I didn't finish, and she stopped quickly. What was that about? Are we good without condoms now?... A few days later I started with her, no condom, and she said no no no, this has to stop. She would get on birth control, she said, even though she didn't like using it (it made her feel gross).
She had major problems with her father - they didn't have the best relationship, following the nasty divorce between him and her mother when she was a kid. Her father's new wife was outwardly hostile to M, during her early teenage years. M said to me that she had been through "years of therapy" regarding her dad. Her mom told me unabashedly, in front of M, that she "hated" her ex-husband.
M said her brother sometimes reminded her of their dad, even though she was very close with her brother. In fact, her brother sent her memes constantly on Instagram... including one - a tattoo idea - of a man going down on a woman... (Why would her BROTHER send her that?)
Her mom was unemployed and lived in a nice house that her second husband had gotten them... but that husband had had major health problems and died a few years ago. She was a depressed woman - kind, but clearly depressed.

I joked once about us getting a joint bank account because M was doing fairly well with her photography. She did female empowerment photography and constantly posted on her Instagram page (she had three -  a personal one, and two professional ones) inspiring messages about loving oneself and loving one's body. She didn't have a lot of self-confidence regarding her physique, but had plenty of sexy photos of herself where she looked very confident. She told me she thought she was too fat and was sensitive about her stomach (she looked good - a little overweight but good). --- and after the joint bank account comment, she texted me saying that we were moving fast, and that she didn't want to get "how I always get - overwhelmed and freaked out."

So I slowed down. And a few days later... she said "let's go look at model homes." And we did. And she talked about which rooms our kids would be in. I was a little confused - was this moving "too fast" or was this ok? We did this a couple times, and each time she talked about how happy she was looking at them with me because she was excited for our future together. I asked what we would do for Halloween... and she said, "Uhh I don't know." We never talked about it. What about our families meeting before Thanksgiving? Her mom said "How about Nov 14?" I said yeah that works. M seemed less confident about it, weirdly, just saying "Ok sure."

We went on "vacation" together in early October (it was a photography/business trip for her, but she invited me along). She said to me while there that she had never been so happy, being "with the love of my life" and soaking up the sun. Remember how she doesn't drink? She hadn't in 10 years... and yet, asked for a sip of my cocktail while on vacation. She smoked weed with me, but not as much as I did, admittedly.

I told her everyday that she was my "dream woman," and that I knew she was the one for me the moment I met her. I consistently told her she was beautiful, smart, and amazing. She didn't always seem to be the most self-confident person, so I thought it was helping her. She said she was happy... and then one day, she seemed put-off by me saying it. Was it constant? Well, I said it everyday because she had mentioned before on her professional instagram page that "you deserve to be reminded everyday how beautiful and special you are." I took this to heart. She never told me to stop. She never communicated any negative feelings. Occasionally she said her dog missed her. She said her brother had said he missed her. I said, she could go see him or her dog or stay at home whenever she needed to... but she said she was good, everything was fine, and she wanted to be with me. So why was she upset suddenly with me being so affectionate? Well, she said, her dad and ex-husband had never been like that, they didn't pay her any compliments, and she wasn't used to it so much. A friend of mine said to me, "what woman doesn't want her boyfriend to gush over her everyday, especially if she never got that love before?"

Then one day I couldn't go to her brother's place for dinner. I had a migraine and said I better not go. She got upset and went without me. The next day, her mom told me, verbatim, "that's one of her triggers." M said that her ex-husband used to bail on her family constantly and never wanted to be a part of their lives. I apologized for my actions, but said it wasn't anything personal - I had a migraine. She said it was OK and never mentioned it again. We saw her brother and sister-in-law again a couple weeks later... they didn't seem particularly warm or friendly to me, like they knew something I didn't know.

And then, the very next day, 7 weeks into our relationship, she broke up with me. We had been together every single day of those 7 weeks. She said "Maybe I'm just overthinking it... but I just don't think I see a future with you." This was a shock. I was barely awake, having just woken up from bed, and asked if we could talk it through. She flatly said no. She continued, "I would never let you drive my children." I had had road rage a couple times with her, but nothing extreme - just telling off some idiot drivers. Then she said I was "immature" about not being able to cook anything, or not knowing how to clean my bathroom. She added that she didn't miss me when she left my apartment because she liked having alone time (even though she had texted me every time after leaving saying "I miss you.") and that she didn't sleep well with me in bed (she would snore loudly). She said she would text me in a couple weeks and took her things (she had practically moved in) and left.

Two weeks later, nothing. No contact. She still had our photo on IG (then removed it), and still followed me... she watched all my stories within 5 minutes of me posting them. Including her friends. She had posted on other friends' pages that she had been very sad and crying, needing lots of alone time.
So I broke the rule and reached out. I asked to see her, just to talk (I wanted some closure, at least, but didn't say that specifically). She said she didn't think it would help and if it was to try to change things, dragging it out would be wrong. I apologized for being "overbearing" and making her feel smothered, as this seemed to me to be what happened, and said I was sad she was gone (but nothing mopey). She said she appreciated it, and that "I enjoyed our time together but it ultimately just wasn't the right fit. I wish you well." -- she blocked me from IG and FB two days later. She posted the day after I texted her that she was happy in her life and was proud of following her intuition, and not "living in fear." This felt personal to me, like an attack almost, even if it was indirect. Her friends and family still followed me... and then a couple months later they deleted me (her mom and grandma still follow me).

A friend who watched her stories said that by early December she had a new BF (a guy who looks like a shorter, older, heavier version of me). Based on what I can see... she started dating him about two weeks (at MOST) after breaking up with me. She's still with him now (3 months after our breakup), and he is FRESH out of a marriage (literally separated from his ex-wife in Sept or Oct, started dating M by early November). He's not even officially divorced yet. And none of her friends follow him on social media. Additionally, and this isn't terribly important, but... she hasn't posted any photos of him. Stories, yes. But not photos. And... she looks like she gained 20 pounds.

So... is this BPD? Is it something else? Will I ever hear from M again? How do I move forward? I have never been so heartbroken over a breakup before. I thought she was perfect and we had SO MUCH going for us... and then, boom. She's done with me, and already in another relationship. What did I do wrong? What do I do now? Should I talk to her again? What do I do?

 

[GTS22]

harbinger70, I'm sorry about this.  Your story is so similar to mine.  Started dating my exGF in early September, had a fantastic 8 weeks followed by a tumultuous 3 weeks.  I broke up with her at the end of November.  She had a major surgery in mid-December.  She reached out to me a few days after her surgery, had 2 of her friends reach out to me too, and then she and I messaged a bit between Christmas and new years.  I wanted to talk about fixing our relationship, and she said maybe after New Years.  On Jan 3, she is in a Facebook official relationship with a new guy?  So similar to your story.  I don't get it either. 

I'm sorry you are confused and hurting.  I am in the same situation.  Everyone tells me that I'm lucky I dodged a bullet, so I suppose you are too.  I found this site a few weeks ago, and it's helped me to read the posts and realize that almost all of these stories are similar - which is so bizarre because the BPD behavior is so odd, yet predictable. 

Hang in there.  I'm told it gets easier.

[Ellala]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I met my ex at the end of July and had a similar experience(It ended a few weeks back). It's left me feeling confused, heartbroken and searching for answers. I can't say whether your (or my) ex has BPD or not, although it certainly sounds like BPD. Its seems she was triggered by your affections/love.. which is not normal in a loving relationship. It also feels off that her MOM shared about one of her triggers with you (which would seem like a fear of abandonment).
Her desire in the beginning to work through things and not just leave, but then how she left, without working through things, sounds like my expereince. I heard similar sentiments in the beginning (and even right up till the day before he split) to work through things and then pow! just gone… It was a shock.

This is so hard. What we felt was real. And to have it ripped away with no explanation is traumatizing.
You DIDN'T do anything wrong.
You sound like you have a generous and loving heart and deserve to have that love, stability, and affection reflected back to you. As uncomfortable as it is right now, I am focusing on me, finding compassion for me and doing things that bring me relief (I was going to write pleasure, but honestly at this point I am not feeling pleasure in much). I talk to a therapist, friends, do some somatic movement to release trauma, meditate, journal, write letters I will probably never send, focus on things I am grateful for.  And still I wake up with anxiety (which I didnt have before). Be gentle with yourself. Some people just aren't capable of the depth and stability of love you are. It will get better.

[harbinger70]

GTS22

You said the same thing all of my friends and family told me: “you dodged a bullet.” It hurts so bad to know that the amazing woman I fell in love with was little more than a façade. She hasn’t reached out to me. But I suspect that once she’s done with this new guy she might. It sounds like that’s what women like her do. Gotta be strong and walk away.

Ellala

Thanks for your kind words and for giving your perspective. And yeah her mom telling me about her triggers was weird … but get this: the day after M broke up with me, her mom messaged me on Instagram and said “I hope you’re doing ok. I’m sorry it turned out this way.” — I’ve never had an ex’s mom reach out and apologize for the behavior of their daughter. My therapist said it’s probably because she has seen her daughter so this before and didn’t want her to lose me.

[Ellala]

harbinger70
Her mom messaging like makes it seem clear that she has seen this behavior before and was hoping for a different outcome. Must be quite a difficult place to be in as a mom.

In my ex's case, I have suspicion that his mom could be BPD too. He spoke of abuse/neglect in his childhood and how his mom has extreme moods. His breakups coincided with him actually being at his parents' house and when we were getting close to their house while traveling. Now I can see how the stress of those relationships increased the splitting/aggressive behaviors. 


GTS22

Yes, it is strange how these behaviors seem so odd, chaotic, and erratic, yet they are predictable and so many of us have similar experiences. I really couldn't make sense of my ex's behaviors… until I started to see through the lens of BPD.

[GTS22]

Yep harbinger you’re not alone my friend.  And similarly, when I met exGF parents, her mom told her “don’t mess this one up.”  I thought it was funny, but it was probably the biggest red flag I overlooked.  Why would she need to tell her that?  Probably because she has a history of messing up relationships. 

As to whether or not she will come back, my therapist told me yesterday that he doesn’t think she will because I wasn’t as compliant as BPDs like.  Yes it took me 3 weeks to end the relationship after she said an awful thing about my daughter, but on the other hand, it ONLY took me 3 weeks to end the relationship.  That means I’m probably not an ideal target for her and her abandonment issues.  Easier for her to find an easier target like the dude she’s with now.  As much as you (and I) want them back, it’s probably better for us that they never return.  Yes we are hurting now, but soon that will pass.  If we go back, this cycle will definitely repeat, and we will be right back here again after more pain and confusion. 

[harbinger70]

Ellala

Yeah. The only person who ever seemed to know what was going on and didn’t pretend to be happy for us was her brother. He must’ve known I was destined for the same outcome as her other boyfriends. And her mom, now that I think about it, was always telling M that she was so happy she’d finally met “her person,” so much in fact that it felt like she was encouraging it.

GTS

I don’t know if our exes will come back but from what I’ve read they typically do. Even if it seems like they won’t. Eventually they get bored or lonesome and go back to the familiar. I left my ex with a text saying she could reach out whenever she wanted and I’d be there for her. But now, I regret sending it. I assume she will text in a year or so. And when she does, I’ll just wish her well.