Hi again kimmcat;
When DD was in treatment (in Utah), they did not "label" the diagnosis with the kids as they were still adolescents. We have discussed BPD a little bit with her but probably not enough - honestly, we have struggled with the diagnosis because it was "brought on" by her assault so very clouded with PTSD symptoms. Her psychiatrist has even disputed the diagnosis because she has periods of being very high functioning. But she does fit many of the criteria and so here we are.
What you wrote makes a lot of sense -- so many of us are here not because "the person in my life got a BPD diagnosis and I know that for sure", but because the person displays a constellation of traits and behaviors that is so challenging and the closest paradigm for understanding those behaviors is the lens of BPD. The person in my life whose behaviors sent me here for support is my husband's kids' mom. As far as I know, she doesn't have an "official" diagnosis, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter -- her blaming, not taking responsibility, manipulation, immaturity, entitlement, etc... (the list goes on
)... THAT's the real problem, not any particular label.
She does have an appt tomorrow with a therapist that she worked with when she came home from treatment during her transition period. We are going to use her for this crisis intervention while we work on finding someone else.
How did the appointment go?
Her drug test came back positive again today and she just INSISTS that she is not using - that is the BPD I know. It's amazing how she can just lie and lie, to herself and to us, even with the evidence staring her in the face.
BPD got called such -- "borderline personality disorder" -- back in the day because the behaviors were on the border between neurotic and psychotic (from what I understand). If psychosis is a loss of being in touch with reality, then yeah, looking at a positive drug test and saying "but I'm not using drugs" sounds like psychosis-type behavior, in the sense of not being able to handle reality functionally.
My husband and I are speaking with our therapist tomorrow
SO glad you guys have a T. Keeping your marriage strong and getting support for you two has to be the top priority. If you aren't strong together and individually, there's no way to have the foundation to help your D (whatever help looks like, and it can look "mean"). It takes guts to have personal boundaries with a pwBPD, especially when it's your own child. A good T can help you on that journey, as I'm sure you know.
we fear a decision is coming very soon on whether she can stay in our house.
I'm so sorry it's happening when she's still young, yet for your safety (and your ability to have peace and health, which long run will help you help her), it may be that you all cannot live together at this time.
She has no where to go and no way to support herself but I fear her "rock bottom" will be death.
That sounds like your core fear, and it's shared by so many parents here.
I wonder if it would help to work with your T on a list of what you, in your values and integrity, feel like you "have to" do to in order to feel like you have done everything you can for her, before saying "you cannot live here while you're doing X, Y, and Z". If you feel like you want to try behavior contracts, job requirements, whatever, for some amount of time, maybe discuss that with your T so that if/when the day comes to end her time of living with you, you can know you did everything your values suggested.
This can't be easy.
Let us know how you're doing whenever works;
kells76