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Author Topic: BPD Daughter - Drug Dealer boyfriend  (Read 425 times)
kimmcat

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« on: January 23, 2022, 11:56:00 AM »

My 18 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD after a sexual asault.  She also has PTSD.  She was in residential treatment for 8 months (at the age of 17) and has been home since 4/2020.  She was finishing high school, applying for college, working, and riding horses while also seeing her therapist.  And then...she started dating a drug dealer.  Her life is crumbling and of course she cannot see it.  We tried to forbid her from seeing him but she left the house and we were so afraid of her spiraling - drug use was escalating - that we agreed to let her come home and continue to see him IF her drug tests came back negative.  It has only been a week but so far that has not happened although she swears it will when we test her next time.  I know that as long as she sees him, her life will continue to go down hill.  Do I tell her to leave again?  She doesn't want to...she still thinks she is going off to college in the fall and we will pay for it!  She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.  When we try to talk to her about it, of course she gets violent.  Help...I am worried if she leaves, that her rock bottom will be an arrest or death.  Do I try to keep her safe by letting her  sleep at home when she wants to and trying to stay present in her life?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2022, 10:11:18 PM »

kimmcat, welcome to the group. It just sounds excruciating what you're going through, yet this is a group that gets it. You have to figure out what works for your kid and your family no matter what "typical" families do, that's understood here.

Can I ask, when your D18 was in the program, did she accept her BPD diagnosis? Was she compliant with treatment there? It sounds like she did do treatment after residential and complied with it, is that accurate?

What's her relationship with her therapist like?

Hard stuff, yet you aren't alone here.

kells76
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kimmcat

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2022, 12:48:53 PM »

Thanks Kells76,  When DD was in treatment (in Utah), they did not "label" the diagnosis with the kids as they were still adolescents.  We have discussed BPD a little bit with her but probably not enough - honestly, we have struggled with the diagnosis because it was "brought on" by her assault so very clouded with PTSD symptoms.  Her psychiatrist has even disputed the diagnosis because she has periods of being very high functioning.  But she does fit many of the criteria and so here we are.  She has always been compliant with therapy and was seeing a DBT therapist until Christmas.  At that point we made the decision to try a more trauma-focused therapist but then all hell broke lose.  So very bad timing.  I believe the drugs (cocaine) are fueling this rapid decline and quite frankly making her psychotic.  She does have an appt tomorrow with a therapist that she worked with when she came home from treatment during her transition period.  We are going to use her for this crisis intervention while we work on finding someone else.  Her drug test came back positive again today and she just INSISTS that she is not using - that is the BPD I know.  It's amazing how she can just lie and lie, to herself and to us, even with the evidence staring her in the face.  She also became violent with herself, banging her head on the wall.  She is now blaming her problems on these positive drug tests. If it wasn't so tragic it would be funny.  My husband and I are speaking with our therapist tomorrow but we fear a decision is coming very soon on whether she can stay in our house.  She has no where to go and no way to support herself but I fear her "rock bottom" will be death.
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kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2022, 10:20:20 AM »

Hi again kimmcat;

Excerpt
When DD was in treatment (in Utah), they did not "label" the diagnosis with the kids as they were still adolescents.  We have discussed BPD a little bit with her but probably not enough - honestly, we have struggled with the diagnosis because it was "brought on" by her assault so very clouded with PTSD symptoms.  Her psychiatrist has even disputed the diagnosis because she has periods of being very high functioning.  But she does fit many of the criteria and so here we are.

What you wrote makes a lot of sense -- so many of us are here not because "the person in my life got a BPD diagnosis and I know that for sure", but because the person displays a constellation of traits and behaviors that is so challenging and the closest paradigm for understanding those behaviors is the lens of BPD. The person in my life whose behaviors sent me here for support is my husband's kids' mom. As far as I know, she doesn't have an "official" diagnosis, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter -- her blaming, not taking responsibility, manipulation, immaturity, entitlement, etc... (the list goes on  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) )... THAT's the real problem, not any particular label.

Excerpt
She does have an appt tomorrow with a therapist that she worked with when she came home from treatment during her transition period.  We are going to use her for this crisis intervention while we work on finding someone else. 

How did the appointment go?

Excerpt
Her drug test came back positive again today and she just INSISTS that she is not using - that is the BPD I know.  It's amazing how she can just lie and lie, to herself and to us, even with the evidence staring her in the face.

BPD got called such -- "borderline personality disorder" -- back in the day because the behaviors were on the border between neurotic and psychotic (from what I understand). If psychosis is a loss of being in touch with reality, then yeah, looking at a positive drug test and saying "but I'm not using drugs" sounds like psychosis-type behavior, in the sense of not being able to handle reality functionally.

Excerpt
My husband and I are speaking with our therapist tomorrow

SO glad you guys have a T. Keeping your marriage strong and getting support for you two has to be the top priority. If you aren't strong together and individually, there's no way to have the foundation to help your D (whatever help looks like, and it can look "mean"). It takes guts to have personal boundaries with a pwBPD, especially when it's your own child. A good T can help you on that journey, as I'm sure you know.

Excerpt
we fear a decision is coming very soon on whether she can stay in our house.

I'm so sorry it's happening when she's still young, yet for your safety (and your ability to have peace and health, which long run will help you help her), it may be that you all cannot live together at this time.

Excerpt
She has no where to go and no way to support herself but I fear her "rock bottom" will be death.

That sounds like your core fear, and it's shared by so many parents here.

I wonder if it would help to work with your T on a list of what you, in your values and integrity, feel like you "have to" do to in order to feel like you have done everything you can for her, before saying "you cannot live here while you're doing X, Y, and Z". If you feel like you want to try behavior contracts, job requirements, whatever, for some amount of time, maybe discuss that with your T so that if/when the day comes to end her time of living with you, you can know you did everything your values suggested.

This can't be easy.

Let us know how you're doing whenever works;

kells76
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Cousin Jenny

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2022, 02:05:23 PM »

Hi there! I am new here and starting to read the posts here. My daughter is in a similar situation. It’s helps to know we are not alone with these struggles. It took me a LONG time to get to the place I could even be honest with myself about what has been going on. Thank you for sharing. My heart aches for you and your family. Hope to see more posts from you.
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