Extinction burst or the final days?

[FirstSteps]

I'm feeling very much on the knife's edge within my marriage.  My uBDPw is doing a tremendous amount of work on her mental health, though it is all self-directed and involves lots of groups that seem to reinforce her BPD victimization. She has fired 5 therapists and counting.  She has also self-diagnosed herself without dreaming she has BPD. Instead she splits out each behavior separately.  So she gives herself diagnosis X and Y, plus abandonment issues and anger management problems.

Anyway, because I have subtly started setting boundaries, being my own person and not caving in during her outbursts, we are in a roller coaster of ups and downs. 

Because she is working so hard and making real progress with the children and her individual life - and using so much positive, healthy language about her efforts when she's not yelling at me - I can absolutely see this could be an extinction burst.

But it's also really bad, and I am feeling very done with the emotional abuse and, for the first time, am getting ready to leave.

However, and this is surely very co-dependent of me, I would hate to leave just before she turned a corner. 

I know extinction bursts can last a long time and are unpredictable.  I know there are no real answers  except within myself.  It's just tortuous in a new way to be changing while she is changing and to keep being punished, while hoping for real change for the first time in years.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hands down]

Hi there. I’d love to add insight but I’m not quite sure I’m understanding the actions you are asking for perspective on.

My only read from your post is that this may feel a bit “flooded” for you, my advice - if that is so ….  Is to prioritize your health before the boundaries. Make sure that you’re eating, sleeping, mentally healthy first and foremost. Your peace, happiness, and well being are something OUTSIDE the existence of your wife and family.

This healthy must THEN be brought into the relationship in the form of boundaries, care, empathy and love.

I’m massively projecting here based on the cognitive flow of your post but - nonetheless, self care is always priority 1. 

[FirstSteps]

Thanks so much for the insight.  It's so good to just know how I'm coming across   I think it is about self care and just figuring out what I want.  I'm clearly still lost trying to base my feelings on how she is reacting to me and looking for validation from her instead of myself.

[T0M]

Hello,

My trigger to leave? When fighting started to feel better than peace. It sounds contradictory, but when my girlfriend with BPD was in one of her downs, my hart rate dropped. At least fighting gave some kind of certainty. When she was kind and happy, I was just waiting for me to step in to a next 'trap'. When we were sitting on the dining table, I was constantly beating myself internally to say something. Because me being quiet was reason enough for her to start blaming me that I was up to something. Or that being with me was awkward.

This was not a conscious process. But something I started to realize after a year or so. So if you feel you rather be in a fight or if you feel almost disappointed when she/he calls and she/he is kind to you, I guess that is a moment to do some introspection.

Ofcourse, I don't know your situation, but at least that was my trigger to start looking for solutions.

T.

[FirstSteps]

Thanks for that insight.  I can definitely relate, which is scary as I hadn't been thinking this way.  The main thing I'm noticing now is that I am quite happy and relieved with the silent treatment.  That's more obvious.  But I have absolutely gotten to this line too, or are near it.  She asked me to come home "for a hug" yesterday and it was nice and then went to hell.  And I was terrified the whole time.  Same when she actually went and did grocery shopping by herself later on.  You're right that the fighting is more predictable and somehow safe - I can just start validating myself instead of being confused.  Ugh.  My therapist is clear she thinks I need to be out for my own mental health and my kids' sake (though it's also confusing that she's better with kids now than in years - it's only super bad with me).  I'm getting there - now working through the "but she has chronic illnesses and will end up homeless and she needs to have a warm, safe place to live" feelings.