ADHD, BPD or both

[Depression = 72% of members]

What's the main difference?

I suspect my wife has severe ADHD, she has began admitting this herself now. I myself suspect I might have ADHD but she has significant problems with it - No employment, doesn't want to drive our car, can't really make food for herself regularly.

She's at home with our soon to be 2-year old and they sleep in quite late in the morning. I wake up around 7 AM and take our 5 year-old to daycare at 8 AM, when 1yo and wife is asleep. I suspect he wakes up around 9 am and is in his crib until he starts screaming too much, 30-60 minutes so arounf 10 AM. She then changes his diaper and serves him breakfast and then she returns to bed where she's on the phone while he eats breakfast. If he's having troubles she helps him but returns to bed also after breakfast is over. She doesn't have any planned playtime with him but she jokes and laugh with him in between. She says it's too stressful to eat breakfast with him but she gets really hungry and have a big breakfast at around 1:30 PM while he is taking a nap, he doesn't always fall asleep though but stays in his crib until about 2:30 PM when they go get 5yo from daycare. Picking up 5yo from daycare is very stressful for her but she does it if nothing out of the ordinary occurs.

She says that her quality time is being on the phone in the morning and her big breakfast when 1yo is napping.

Don't know where I'm going with this post, anyone have any thoughts about this. Does this sound more lika a symptom of ADHD than BPD?

[15years]

What's the main difference?

I suspect my wife has severe ADHD, she has began admitting this herself now. I myself suspect I might have ADHD but she has significant problems with it - No employment, doesn't want to drive our car, can't really make food for herself regularly.

She's at home with our soon to be 2-year old and they sleep in quite late in the morning. I wake up around 7 AM and take our 5 year-old to daycare at 8 AM, when 1yo and wife is asleep. I suspect he wakes up around 9 am and is in his crib until he starts screaming too much, 30-60 minutes so arounf 10 AM. She then changes his diaper and serves him breakfast and then she returns to bed where she's on the phone while he eats breakfast. If he's having troubles she helps him but returns to bed also after breakfast is over. She doesn't have any planned playtime with him but she jokes and laugh with him in between. She says it's too stressful to eat breakfast with him but she gets really hungry and have a big breakfast at around 1:30 PM while he is taking a nap, he doesn't always fall asleep though but stays in his crib until about 2:30 PM when they go get 5yo from daycare. Picking up 5yo from daycare is very stressful for her but she does it if nothing out of the ordinary occurs.

She says that her quality time is being on the phone in the morning and her big breakfast when 1yo is napping.

Don't know where I'm going with this post, anyone have any thoughts about this. Does this sound more lika a symptom of ADHD than BPD?

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[sweetheart]

Hello,

Your wife sounds quite overwhelmed and maybe depressed, she seems to me somewhat disconnected from life, the children, her home, you, as you describe it in your post.  What is her mood like, could she be struggling more than is usual bonding with your younger child? How is she with your 5 yr old?
Could you perhaps tell us a little bit more about your relationship  with your wife, how long have you been together, what other things make you think she might have BPD/ADHD?
Your wife has talked to you about having ADHD, this suggests  that she thinks something might be wrong which is also a positive because it can be away in to getting her some support.

[15years]

Hi sweetheart!

I'm not sure what disconnected means, she can be very present, has great sense of humor, she's very creative and constantly has new ideas how to improve our home and her wardrobe. She has really created a nice environment in our home.

I'm confused why she won't consider routinely playing with S1 uninterrupted for half an hour every day, she says she feels like a PLEASE READty mom but I see how much she loves them. I too have a hard time creating routines so I know it's hard.

She says that she's born to be a mom and   she wants at least one more child.

Her mood switches daily or weekly and depends on what kind if ideas she has going on currently. She can for example herself decide if and when I love her, right now she thinks that I finally love her but actually I have been struggling like never before.

She accuses me of everything
connected to being a bad husband and abuser and more often then before I manage to not take it personally, to my surprise that doesn't make things worse, I used to think she could read me like a book.

I also have thought about her accepting that she might have adhd might be a good thing.

Could write more but I'm running out of time.

[Notwendy]

She leaves a toddler unsupervised to eat by himself while she goes back to bed for her "quality time"?

Trying to label each behavior as either BPD or ADHD may not be helpful as many of these labels have overlapping symptoms- and so must be considered in addition to others. A poor attention span may be related to anxiety or poor emotional regulation- due to a number of possibilities and yes, there can be more than one for a person.

My mother is severely BPD and what I have noticed that she has in common with someone with ADHD is lack of executive function- the ability to carry out a stepwise task from start to finish. For someone with ADHD it's difficulty with concentrating but for her, I think it's her poor emotional regulation. She gets very anxious.

Attention is also related to motivation. A child with ADHD may have trouble finishing homework, but they can concentrate on a video game for much longer. It's tempting to think that it's all motivation but kids would probably rather play than do homework. The child without ADHD can mentally modulate this feeling and focus on- if I do my homework, then I can play. The child with ADHD can't focus due to poor concentration. I think with BPD it's a problem with emotional regulation and emotional immaturity. They'd rather do something else.

Let's face it- it would be nice if we all could stay in bed till 10 am, but adults emotionally regulate our responsibilities. We get up to go to work, or to supervise small children because we want our paycheck and we want to keep our children safe.

My parents married in the era where most women didn't work outside the home and so my BPD mother and many of her peers were "housewives" then. But also she didn't do many of the kinds of things in the home that we saw our friend's mothers do. I didn't understand what was going on with her until I was an adult. Once we kids were old enough to get ourselves up and dressed and to school in the morning- we didn't see her in the mornings. She was still in bed.

I guess what I am trying to say is that BPD is enough to cause a poor attention to tasks when not highly motivated and that isn't entirely voluntary on their part. It's a fine line between modifying expectations and enabling. You will need to adjust where that is according to your wife's capabilities- as BPD is on a spectrum and some people are higher functioning than others. It doesn't seem to be connected to intelligence. My mother is very intelligent, but what impacts her function is her emotional dysregulation.

The bigger concern for me in this is - is the toddler safe. Toddlers can get into anything. They can climb on counters, pull themselves out of high chairs, put things in their mouth. They need constant supervision when they are up and about. They are safe in their crib, but it's also not good to leave them in their crib all day long without interactions either. While you may not think the expense is justified if your wife is at home, it may be time to enroll the toddler in day care as well, and take both kids to day care with you- the investment is for the sake of the toddler- who will have playmates, eat with friends, and can run around and play safely there.

[Rev]

What's the main difference?

I suspect my wife has severe ADHD, she has began admitting this herself now. I myself suspect I might have ADHD but she has significant problems with it - No employment, doesn't want to drive our car, can't really make food for herself regularly.

She's at home with our soon to be 2-year old and they sleep in quite late in the morning. I wake up around 7 AM and take our 5 year-old to daycare at 8 AM, when 1yo and wife is asleep. I suspect he wakes up around 9 am and is in his crib until he starts screaming too much, 30-60 minutes so arounf 10 AM. She then changes his diaper and serves him breakfast and then she returns to bed where she's on the phone while he eats breakfast. If he's having troubles she helps him but returns to bed also after breakfast is over. She doesn't have any planned playtime with him but she jokes and laugh with him in between. She says it's too stressful to eat breakfast with him but she gets really hungry and have a big breakfast at around 1:30 PM while he is taking a nap, he doesn't always fall asleep though but stays in his crib until about 2:30 PM when they go get 5yo from daycare. Picking up 5yo from daycare is very stressful for her but she does it if nothing out of the ordinary occurs.

She says that her quality time is being on the phone in the morning and her big breakfast when 1yo is napping.

Don't know where I'm going with this post, anyone have any thoughts about this. Does this sound more lika a symptom of ADHD than BPD?

It is rare that a person displaying traits of a personality/mood disorder does not display traits from a another.  In this case, it may be that the ADHD fuels the BPD.  They work as a team.   For example, people with ADHD are often situations where they forget things they have done or said. As children, they are often chastised for not paying attention, not applying themselves, etc ...   And those kinds of things, over time,  can set the stage for BPD.  Or ... let's say that there's been a childhood trauma. ADHD will impede the person's ability to process the trauma through talk therapy.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's possible it's chicken and egg when it comes to what has happened but I don't know if it's possible to sort this out. Regardless of the label one needs to match expectations to the situation, rather than ask your wife why she's in bed on the phone while the toddler eats breakfast.

Is the toddler safe in this situation? If not, then arrangements need to be made for the toddler to have a reliable caretaker when you are at work.

[GaGrl]

Here is a short article on the various types of ADHD and ADD. It focuses on children, but it does a good job of describing the different ways ADHD and ADD manifest. My adult son is ADD ( no hyperactivity) and has had to use various ways of coping for school and work.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/what-are-the-7-types-of-adhd/

[sweetheart]

Tom by ‘disconnected’ I mean in relation to the children. She sounds animated and involved about creating a home, but not so much in relation to your children and perhaps in relation to a life beyond the safety of your home. You say she doesn’t look after herself very well, can’t work and doesn’t want to drive a car.. This is why I wondered whether she might be depressed. From what you have written, maybe I am reading more into it, but your wife does seem to be struggling. Does she have any input from professionals re ADHD?

NotWendy makes a good point about good enough care of your toddler. Supervision is important which you will know when a child is eating and drinking. What kind of support network do you both have, friends, family etc?
How long is your wife on her own each day? It might help if you have someone who could come and spend sometime at your house, maybe take your toddler out, is this a possibility something you have thought about or discussed?