Mom with suspected BPD

[peytonismycat]

Hello all,

I don't really know what to say other than my story. I will try to keep it short. I am a 30+ year old woman who has had issues with my mother for as long as I can remember. I do remember her being a "good" mother in the sense that she taught me right from wrong and she taught me to be a "good" and polite person but we have always butted heads. She would say I had a "smart mouth" and would hit, pinch, whip, choke me when I "said something slick." I admit, this was not often but when it did happen, it was traumatizing. I know that I never did anything to warrant a violent reaction. I never called her out of her name, I never said "f you", I never stayed out late. I was a GREAT kid. Did I have an attitude? Sure... Don't all teenagers? As I got older, I realized that the best thing for our relationship was space. Physical space. Me being 100s of miles away. We got along much better then but I couldn't really understand why. I am getting my medical degree soon and plan to be a psychiatrist. I've been to therapy before but only recently started talking about my relationship with my mother. When I began describing her erratic behavior, her splitting, her huge mood swings, her reckless spending, her emotional manipulation, my therapist suggested she may have BPD. I had NEVER considered this before but it all started to add up. She has been emotionally manipulating me for most of my life. I moved to to the midwest when I was 24 and she BLEW up at my sister's graduation celebration. She made a scene and acted as though I was telling her to eat crap and die. I had always felt like I had to tip toe around her but I couldn't understand why... Recently she opened up about being molested as a child and that was the final nail in the coffin to solidify the fact that she was BPD. I have begged her numerous times to seek help. She admits that she needs it but has never made that step. I have sat with her, on her insurance site, looking at providers but she has only accepted physical doctors help, not psychological ones... This past Christmas get together was a nightmare to say the least. My sister and I finally opened up to her about how she has hurt us with her behavior and she LOST it. I admit, it was not the right time or setting to do so, but we are only all together once a year. I have told her I was sorry, but you would have thought we told her to jump off a bridge. I am realizing that I cannot keep playing part in this play where she is always the victim and she can never see her part in anything. I am either the best daughter ever or I hate her and cause her so much pain. I am tired of the splitting. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. I love her and I want to be there for her but I don't know what else I can do since I have offered her professional help more times than I can count. I am at my wits end y'all. I really don't know what to do anymore.
I know I said this would be short. Sorry y'all and thank you for listening!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi peytonismycat,

Welcome to the forum.

I can certainly relate to your story. I also don't consider my uBPDm as evil, however I am starting to realize how dangerous her mental illness actually makes her. Especially when it comes to her habits of creating wedges between people in an effort to come out as the savior, or the one who understand you during a fight... Even though she keeps feeding the fight instead of truly helping solve it, and sometimes is the covert instigator of the fight...

All BPD mothers differs on some things, but very similar on many things. And this forum has allowed me to see that our trauma is often weirdly very similar, enabling me to learn things about myself I hadn't acknowledge yet.

I find there is a huge push/pull link between my uBPDm and I... I want distance, yet proximity. Proximity brings me anxiety, but distance brings me guilt. The farther away I am emotionally (actual physical distance helps), the nicer and loving my uBPDm becomes, going as far as telling me I am a better mother than she ever was (well, she said it once...). The closer I get, the more she turns into Mr. Hyde, trying to rob me of my own children, painting me as a bad mother and herself as my children's savior, making snark remark about what I did or didn't do (often about things what never even happened) ... Without recognizing, ever, what she did to my brothers and I. I came to realize recently that she was reliving her own trauma by using her grandchildren (abused) and children (abusers), painting herself as the savior. It's all very complex, and very dangerous for our respective family. She created many distortions in my brother's family, and now I know I have to protect mine.

And yet, I feel so much compassion for her pain (she had a very hard childhood, was sexually abused by her uncle, casted out by her father, truly a horrible childhood) that I just can't bring myself to completely reject her. It is a fine line, being in a relationship with a BPD mother. It's hard, but I am starting to think that in some way, it can also be rewarding, when one is able to put firm and clear boundaries in place.

Did realizing your mother was mentally ill bring you some sort of relief? I remember I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized my mother exhibited all the sign of the borderline disorder... Like suddenly, I wasn't the one at fault... Even though, nor is she.

[beatricex]

hi peytonismycat,
Welcome..  Let me guess: you have a cat?  Does your cat like football? 

You have come to the right place.  You just need to determine if you currently fall into the camp of "I will always love my mom and enable her no matter what" or (this is just a differnt stage of grief called anger, before was bargaining) "I need to keep a safe distance from this crazy a** beeytch" 

And...if you are like most of us here, you may waffle between those two extremes for a few years.  I sure did.  Grieving the loss of a mother one never had is very difficult.

I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents (besides my mom my stepdaughter is also sBPD).  There is a table in the book that gives the symptoms of cPTSD.  Personally I had the bad nightmares that my parents were trying to kill me (cPTSD symptom) from trauma from my BPD mom and enabling father. 

Never feel like you need to "keep it short" here - we get it. So let it out, all of it out.  deeeepp breath
 
b

[Methuen]

Welcome

First, let me just say congratulations on getting your medical degree soon! That is a crowning achievement after a lot of blood, sweat, and toil.  I can see from your story how psychiatry fits as your chosen specialty.  

My sister and I finally opened up to her about how she has hurt us with her behavior and she LOST it. I admit, it was not the right time or setting to do so

It will never be the right time or setting.  EVER.  Let me guess, when you opened up to her, she may have flipped it on you, and started screaming that you abused her?  Honest rational discussions never worked with my mom either.  Currently, the relationship is superficial at best.  At worst, there's no "relationship" anymore.  She talks to me like I'm a slave (she's 85), and I'm just tired of it.  I have devoted my life to being the best daughter I could be. It's never good enough. If there's one thing she's not happy with, I'm painted black, and all the goodness I have done for her in the previous 60 years no longer exists.  I have just come out of retirement to return to work.  I don't see how she is going to cope living alone.  She's either going to have a nervous breakdown, or some medical catastrophic event (like another fall or a stroke).  The abuse is worse now than it's ever been.  She's demanding of my help because she can't do anything for herself any more (cook, clean, read, crafts, fix anything eg computer or phone problems, or solve even the simplist of problems).  As a victim, she has no gratitude for anything.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

You've got lots of company.  Neither do the rest of us.  It's just brutal.  I'm 60, and my advice to a 30 yr old is to look after yourself and live your life - the more distance the better.  I've dedicated my life to helping her, and I feel like it has made zero difference to the relationship.  She resents me (I think because she is frustrated that she needs so much help).  She barks orders, and roars like a grizzly bear.  On a good day she cries pathetically like a waif.  It's better not to live close to a toxic mother.  In the end, all the time and love you have given over a lifetime makes no difference.  There will always be a reason for her to split black.  It just gets worse with age.

Being a doctor, when your mom is elderly, you will hopefully be able to accomplish some things from inside the system.  That may be a helpful perk of being a doctor.  I can't get the "system" where I live, to see that she needs a geriatric assessment.  She's actually suffering emotionally.  True painful suffering.  But until she has the full-on nervous breakdown, no one inside the system will take notice of all the symptoms.  

All this to say, cut your losses.  I was wrong to think I could make a difference.  In the end, she got what she wanted (my lifetime of attention), and I gave everything I could only to be abused.  I am despised because I am returning to work, instead of "looking after her" the same way "she was a stay at home mom to look after me".  I'm doing it to save my sanity, and create a safe space for myself.

I find there is a huge push/pull link between my uBPDm and I... I want distance, yet proximity. Proximity brings me anxiety, but distance brings me guilt.

RiverWolf, this resonated with me.  You have articulated the pulse of the problem and how we all get "trapped".

[GaGrl]

I can speak from a "second generation" standpoint.

My step-grandmother was uBPD/NPD. When she married my grandad, she was escaping a severely abusive FOO -- her father was described to me as the "meanest man in the world." She was only 18, taking on a stepdaughter whose mother had died only two years previously. Horrible situation -- my grandad fell under her spell and married within three weeks!

Without examination, understanding, and change, there are generational egfectsm . My mom had CPTSD plus some BPD traits -- not severe, but definitely some behaviors that were dysfunctional to our relationship.

Now is the time to change the family story.

[Woolspinner2000]

peytonismycat,

I'd like to join the other members here in giving you a warm welcome!  So glad and thankful that you found us.

Well done on your med school! You have achieved in spite of your childhood, and you're probably a great student, resilient and strong like so many of us who have/had a pwBPD. My mom was also an uBPD.

GaGrl, I love this:

Now is the time to change the family story.

It's so true. When I first started having kids, long before I even knew what BPD was, I told myself that I wanted to do things differently, to not repeat what my parents did. Instinctively I knew that things weren't right from my childhood, and I wanted to make a change and break those chains that seemed to keep passing down to the next generation. It's hard, tough and grueling to stay the course, but it is so worth it. My story has changed as I've walked this journey to healing, and my relationship with my kids and their lives have changed too.

We are here to walk right along with you!

 
Wools

[peytonismycat]

WOW! I appreciate you all so much for your insight and kind words.
Sometimes it's really nice not to feel alone in all of this. After reading all of your replies I decided to put up some emotional boundaries with my mom. I cried a lot because as one of you said, I feel as though I am grieving a parent. I realized that I have so much going on in my life right now that I cannot continue to enable her behavior and sacrifice my own emotional wellbeing.
I agree, it is a struggle coming to terms with my guilt for putting distance between us and my anxiety about keeping her near but I can't let her illness derail my own progress.
The strange thing is that out of all this, my relationship with my younger sister has never been better. We've come to learn that shared emotional trauma can be such a bonding experience!
You all are right. The generational trauma needs to end here. I am graduating medical school soon and I find out where I will be for residency next month. My husband and I are planning to start our own family soon and I want this fresh start without any drama.
You all have helped me so much when I felt so alone and I can't thank you enough. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and welcoming me to this safe place. 

[zachira]

As you can see, there are many people on PSI who understand your challenges with your mother with BPD because they too have a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD is deceased. I still grieve the loss of never being able to have a genuine relationship with her and doing as you and others have described between being what mom wanted me to be or setting some healthy boundaries with her which led to her becoming extremely abusive. Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. Some of the best advice my therapist ever gave me was to focus on my feelings when in the presence of a disordered person instead of being an observer to their behaviors which always ended up in my taking on their unwanted feelings as my own. It has helped me to practice meditation daily for 30 minutes or more, so my feelings get processed and I can move on more quickly from whatever is bothering me at the moment. You have done everything you can to get your mother help for her emotional problems. I too tried to get my mother medical and psychological help for her BPD, and her psychiatrist who had tried to do therapy with her in the past, told me therapy was not an option, without giving the reasons why because of his duty to maintain confidentiality. It is heartbreaking you cannot help your mother, and this hurts beyond what I can put into words.

[Methuen]

I too tried to get my mother medical and psychological help for her BPD, and her psychiatrist who had tried to do therapy with her in the past, told me therapy was not an option

What I wouldn’t give to know what was inside his/her mind that made him say this.  It is curiosity that drives me.  The need to understand.  For an “expert” to say someone is incurable - that is something.  I am no expert, but I also believe my mom is incurable.  I wish I had known this in my 20’s or 30’s.  Some things are destined to remain a mystery.  

[zachira]

Methuen,
I can't read the psychiatrist's mind yet I do know some of the back story. The psychiatrist was highly recommended by a family friend who was a doctor himself, who did therapy for his own depression for a long time with this psychiatrist. I heard from my brother and from the wife of the family friend how respectful this psychiatrist was with his patients and how he was genuinely good at therapy. The psychiatrist had my mother on an endless cocktail of medications prescribed for things like anxiety, depression, psychosis, and bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist clearly realized that my mother had no capacity for insight or to take ownership of her problems. I requested that we do family therapy with mom. This was many years ago when I did not know what BPD was. I very much wanted to know what mom's diagnosis were and my siblings would not cooperate in trying to get mom to sign a release. All I was able to access were the psychiatric medications lying on the counter and to look each one up to see what they were prescribed for. It is a true tragedy that I could not have access to my mother's psychiatric records, as mental illness is very pervasive in both of my parents families.