In limbo but realized she is capable... What to do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Greeting everyone...

I posted this in the Bettering topic... But I believe it should actually go here.

I have been reading this forum since 2019, off and on, and then a deep dive since October 21. My story reads like so many of you. My background is in mental health so imagine my surprise when I finally put the pieces together that my spouse could possibly have several BPD traits.

A little back story: My spouse is about 7 years older and has been in the military for 22+ years. With each assignment, another relationship was picked up and moved until they eventually split (according to my spouse they were all evil and did nothing but hurt her). Well, I fell for the lovebombing and idealization, but something never sat right with me, so I started journaling my spouses actions from the very beginning. It started off as little things: dates being wrong, her crying and telling me that I was different, asking that we move in together after only dating 3 months, her telling me that she loved me after 1 month, at one point I called her a chameleon because she would change depending on who she was around. I later found out that she has all types of FOO issues that she carries around and being the LGBT in her very Hispanic family, the shame is sometimes too much for her. Anyway, fast forward we have been married for almost 5 years & together for 7 (depending on what time of day it is, she'll give you any answer in between). In Aug 21, we had to physically separate (her idea) due to the current military base not being large enough to meet my medical needs. We parted ways, on a VERY bad note, she threatened me with taking my car and our pups, threaten to take away money, pretty much anything she figured would get me to stay (I guess back when she came up with the idea of us living apart for 9 months for her school... It didn't get real until I actually had to leave). Right before I jumped on the plane, she had calmed down (it took work... a picnic, back rubs, dinner, just too much in hindsight) and apologized saying that when she gets stressed she runs. As the months have progressed she has become extremely dysregulated. She has called at least once a month saying that this relationship was over. I would get yelled at because I didn't answer the phone fast enough or I would be running 2 mins too long in the shower and set back our virtual date, I even flew out to where she was so that she could see me and know that I was there, standing up for our marriage. In Nov, it had finally gotten too much for me and I started to feel drained as if nothing I did would be enough, that's when I went back to my journals to start reading.
I realized that every year since we first started dating, from Sept-Jan. she has these extreme "divorce/breakup" cycles. It starts in Sept and then it is constant (weekly) until about Jan and then talks of divorce all but disappears. The difference is, this time I am not there to help talk her "off the divorce ledge." She has stated to me that every time she wants a divorce she allows me to talk her back into staying with the marriage only "to be kicked in the balls because nothing ever changes." She even told me that "something switch off for me with this relationship" and that "when I look at our pictures all I see is 2 friends." So each time she has done this over the last 5 months... I have begged, pleaded, yelled, screamed, wrote emails, texts, tried everything I could to get her to see that I wasn't all bad and our marriage wasn't all bad. She deleted her Facebook and started a new one, she has new clothes, new toys (motorcycle, computers, workout equipment... Recklessly spending money), and a new cell phone... I can see her changing right in front of me. When I initially left, I did so much work to keep us in contact, initiating calls, sending videos, creating virtual date nights, sending care packages, while she consistently told me that I wasn't doing enough.

When I finally got a portable job in my career field (a win for a military spouse) she called me the next day, after sharing my good news with her, that things weren't working out and we need to "stop kidding ourselves and move on from this marriage." Since she has "done so much work" on herself, she realized that she "felt worthless in our marriage" and that she is going to continue putting herself before this marriage, she told me "I just can't go back." And then as the phone call was ending she asked me if I would ever come back "home" to her? I have told her often that I was coming back as soon as I get a job. Even told her once I got the job that in a month, I'll be back, but she couldn't handle that. She likes who she has become by herself. I had gotten so frustrated that I told her about the BPD traits that I saw in the beginning of our relationship, what both the pre-martial counselor saw (told me to read SWOE) and our most recent couples counselor saw that she was going to create the situation where we divorced (told me to read IHYDLM), and how 2 different counselors of mine said I needed to prepare myself because of the description of abuse that I tolerated. I know, I know, I know... I shouldn't have but I am human and I had been just tired of it all.

Am I crazy? Or is this how BPD works?

Now, we are in January and I have a good job that I must keep in order for me to be financially independent (I only need to be threaten with money instability one time and I learn my lesson). I took one week were I didn't respond to any of her communications, I have not seen her this involved and this engaged since the last time I shut down from all the threats (2 years ago). She has called SEVERAL times a day, leaving voice messages, texting me, emailing me... All the things that I did to get her to not give up on us for the last 5 months. I feel like I've been slapped in the face, the entire time we've been separated (just physically) I've been the one reaching out and begging but the moment she doesn't have access or control over when I call and how much I give, she participates in the relationship. She is capable of reciprocating and being present in a long distance marriage, she just wanted me to do the heavy lifting & work, like in our marriage.

I think to myself it would be nice to be in an equally healthy marriage, at this point, I would settle for semi-healthy. She is adamant about the divorce, but it goes against my values, so I have stopped bringing it up. She wants to talk about attorney stuff, splitting things and I just don't know what to do. At the same time, I get a sense of relief when I think about not having to prepare myself in the Fall to convince someone I'm worth fighting for and being married to, only to have to repeat the cycle next year. I am also glad that we never had kids together but this is something that we both want... The problem is, after enduring this relationship as an adult, I would be selfish and irresponsible to bring a child into the world of a BPD mom.

I don't really have a question, I guess. If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.

[DogMom2019]

Greeting everyone...

I posted this in the Bettering topic... But I believe it should actually go here.

I have been reading this forum since 2019, off and on, and then a deep dive since October 21. My story reads like so many of you. My background is in mental health so imagine my surprise when I finally put the pieces together that my spouse could possibly have several BPD traits.

A little back story: My spouse is about 7 years older and has been in the military for 22+ years. With each assignment, another relationship was picked up and moved until they eventually split (according to my spouse they were all evil and did nothing but hurt her). Well, I fell for the lovebombing and idealization, but something never sat right with me, so I started journaling my spouses actions from the very beginning. It started off as little things: dates being wrong, her crying and telling me that I was different, asking that we move in together after only dating 3 months, her telling me that she loved me after 1 month, at one point I called her a chameleon because she would change depending on who she was around. I later found out that she has all types of FOO issues that she carries around and being the LGBT in her very Hispanic family, the shame is sometimes too much for her. Anyway, fast forward we have been married for almost 5 years & together for 7 (depending on what time of day it is, she'll give you any answer in between). In Aug 21, we had to physically separate (her idea) due to the current military base not being large enough to meet my medical needs. We parted ways, on a VERY bad note, she threatened me with taking my car and our pups, threaten to take away money, pretty much anything she figured would get me to stay (I guess back when she came up with the idea of us living apart for 9 months for her school... It didn't get real until I actually had to leave). Right before I jumped on the plane, she had calmed down (it took work... a picnic, back rubs, dinner, just too much in hindsight) and apologized saying that when she gets stressed she runs. As the months have progressed she has become extremely dysregulated. She has called at least once a month saying that this relationship was over. I would get yelled at because I didn't answer the phone fast enough or I would be running 2 mins too long in the shower and set back our virtual date, I even flew out to where she was so that she could see me and know that I was there, standing up for our marriage. In Nov, it had finally gotten too much for me and I started to feel drained as if nothing I did would be enough, that's when I went back to my journals to start reading.
I realized that every year since we first started dating, from Sept-Jan. she has these extreme "divorce/breakup" cycles. It starts in Sept and then it is constant (weekly) until about Jan and then talks of divorce all but disappears. The difference is, this time I am not there to help talk her "off the divorce ledge." She has stated to me that every time she wants a divorce she allows me to talk her back into staying with the marriage only "to be kicked in the balls because nothing ever changes." She even told me that "something switch off for me with this relationship" and that "when I look at our pictures all I see is 2 friends." So each time she has done this over the last 5 months... I have begged, pleaded, yelled, screamed, wrote emails, texts, tried everything I could to get her to see that I wasn't all bad and our marriage wasn't all bad. She deleted her Facebook and started a new one, she has new clothes, new toys (motorcycle, computers, workout equipment... Recklessly spending money), and a new cell phone... I can see her changing right in front of me. When I initially left, I did so much work to keep us in contact, initiating calls, sending videos, creating virtual date nights, sending care packages, while she consistently told me that I wasn't doing enough.

When I finally got a portable job in my career field (a win for a military spouse) she called me the next day, after sharing my good news with her, that things weren't working out and we need to "stop kidding ourselves and move on from this marriage." Since she has "done so much work" on herself, she realized that she "felt worthless in our marriage" and that she is going to continue putting herself before this marriage, she told me "I just can't go back." And then as the phone call was ending she asked me if I would ever come back "home" to her? I have told her often that I was coming back as soon as I get a job. Even told her once I got the job that in a month, I'll be back, but she couldn't handle that. She likes who she has become by herself. I had gotten so frustrated that I told her about the BPD traits that I saw in the beginning of our relationship, what both the pre-martial counselor saw (told me to read SWOE) and our most recent couples counselor saw that she was going to create the situation where we divorced (told me to read IHYDLM), and how 2 different counselors of mine said I needed to prepare myself because of the description of abuse that I tolerated. I know, I know, I know... I shouldn't have but I am human and I had been just tired of it all.

Am I crazy? Or is this how BPD works?

Now, we are in January and I have a good job that I must keep in order for me to be financially independent (I only need to be threaten with money instability one time and I learn my lesson). I took one week were I didn't respond to any of her communications, I have not seen her this involved and this engaged since the last time I shut down from all the threats (2 years ago). She has called SEVERAL times a day, leaving voice messages, texting me, emailing me... All the things that I did to get her to not give up on us for the last 5 months. I feel like I've been slapped in the face, the entire time we've been separated (just physically) I've been the one reaching out and begging but the moment she doesn't have access or control over when I call and how much I give, she participates in the relationship. She is capable of reciprocating and being present in a long distance marriage, she just wanted me to do the heavy lifting & work, like in our marriage.

I think to myself it would be nice to be in an equally healthy marriage, at this point, I would settle for semi-healthy. She is adamant about the divorce, but it goes against my values, so I have stopped bringing it up. She wants to talk about attorney stuff, splitting things and I just don't know what to do. At the same time, I get a sense of relief when I think about not having to prepare myself in the Fall to convince someone I'm worth fighting for and being married to, only to have to repeat the cycle next year. I am also glad that we never had kids together but this is something that we both want... The problem is, after enduring this relationship as an adult, I would be selfish and irresponsible to bring a child into the world of a BPD mom.

I don't really have a question, I guess. If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.

[BigOof]

If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.

You need to love and respect yourself first. You're right, marriages shouldn't be like that. You can have a better life. You can't change anyone but yourself. Start there. Ask yourself what you want out of life and write out a roadmap to get there. No magical thinking.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes in life, you just have to accept "What Is".

Yes, your perspective of marriage is important, but even then there is a limit.

I too felt/feel strongly about marriage.  But when the dysfunction keeps growing, the point may be reached where there is virtually no other choice but to end the relationship to preserve yourself.  In my case, it was the need to get away from threats and remain an involved father.

[HeWho]

I realized that every year since we first started dating, from Sept-Jan. she has these extreme "divorce/breakup" cycles. It starts in Sept and then it is constant (weekly) until about Jan and then talks of divorce all but disappears. The difference is, this time I am not there to help talk her "off the divorce ledge." She has stated to me that every time she wants a divorce she allows me to talk her back into staying with the marriage only "to be kicked in the balls because nothing ever changes." She even told me that "something switch off for me with this relationship" and that "when I look at our pictures all I see is 2 friends." So each time she has done this over the last 5 months... I have begged, pleaded, yelled, screamed, wrote emails, texts, tried everything I could to get her to see that I wasn't all bad and our marriage wasn't all bad. She deleted her Facebook and started a new one, she has new clothes, new toys (motorcycle, computers, workout equipment... Recklessly spending money), and a new cell phone... I can see her changing right in front of me. When I initially left, I did so much work to keep us in contact, initiating calls, sending videos, creating virtual date nights, sending care packages, while she consistently told me that I wasn't doing enough.

It'll never be enough. I was doing the same thing. Always catering to her needs and wants. Willing to do almost anything to make her happy. Eventually you realize it'll never be enough, you're trying to fill a make believe image of something that doesn't exist. It's an idolized version of you that she created. Every time that image is distorted, that's when you have problems.

The September to January piece... I too have noticed that trend. A therapist who we were speaking to actually told me to pay attention and be vigilant on holidays. The partner with BPD may have heightened expectations or feelings that they project.

I'll give you a couple examples in late September I moved from Texas to Tennessee. We were in a hotel and I said something that triggered her. She ended up banging her head on the wall and threatening to drive back to Texas and divorce me. The next day it was as if everything was normal.

October 30th we attended her friends wedding in Atlanta. While they were conducting the ceremony she asked me to put my arm around her, which I did. After standing up and sitting down for the ceremony I had removed my arm from around her (I'm a big guy 6'5 ). Later at the reception she whispers in my ear "I think I want a divorce" and then smiles at me as if she were complimenting me. I asked if she was serious in horror. I had to go to the car to recompose myself. A bit later she had calmed down and we were able to talk things out and we enjoyed the rest of the wedding. Later she told me she had a hard time asking me to put my arm around her and she wanted me to be more affectionate. After a bit more discussion, she told me she was ready to have a baby... I didn't think too much about it then but,  in a manner of about 4 hours she went from wanting a divorce to wanting to start a family. The emotional and mood shift was extreme to say the least. Right before she filed a protection order against me, she actually told me I wasn't affectionate enough on purpose because I knew it would trigger her. I thought to myself how in the world could you possibly plan not being affectionate enough on purpose. Never in my wildest imagination could I come up with an idea like that.

In December on the 19th she asked me to join her in the gym. I went along with her so that she could workout and I would keep her company. I noticed a slight adjustment that could be made to improve the form and safety of her squats. Long story short that didn't go well. It ended with her leaving for a few hours. When she came back she told me I had her squat that way because I was trying to hurt her. I thought to myself how is that possible. I asked why I would do that and she replied out of jealousy. I couldn't comprehend how I could be jealous of her squatting but I ended up apologizing to try and make peace. I didn't realize that was just the start of a nightmare. She had called my ex wife (great character reference) who told her I had abused her and all these other allegations which is a complete 180 from my character. You would think my wife who I've tried to treat like a queen for the last almost 6 years would discard the lies. Well you'd be wrong. She developed a fear that I'd abuse her like I did my ex wife apparently. I'm still trying to process how almost 6 years of marriage of memories,  struggles,  triumphs,  growth all could be distorted by 1 experience with a stranger. Anyhow that ended up with sexual assault allegations and a protection order.

I highlight 3 different occasions, each throughout the holiday seasons. Around these times also comes her yearly suicidal thoughts and depressions.

You aren't alone nor crazy. You matter my friend. I am realizing I've always had to do more, be more. "I love you IF you do this" I won't divorce you IF you change that to make me happy. You shouldn't be devalued, you're more than enough and you matter. Don't put up with the abuse and realize what boundaries must be maintained to protect yourself.

[PeteWitsend]

It'll never be enough. I was doing the same thing. Always catering to her needs and wants. Willing to do almost anything to make her happy. Eventually you realize it'll never be enough, you're trying to fill a make believe image of something that doesn't exist. It's an idolized version of you that she created. Every time that image is distorted, that's when you have problems.

...

I likened it to having to fill a bottomless pit.

For me, this issue got laid bare during our last attempt at marital counseling.  Our MC asked us what we each needed in order to decrease tensions at home for now. 

I said quite plainly what I wanted to stop: the constant accusations of infidelity (regardless of the form or words she used), especially in front of our young D.

The MC asked my XW what I needed to do in return.  XW said "He needs to love me enough."  When the MC started to press my XW on what is enough, and why that wasn't a fair standard to impose on your partner, my XW started yelling back at the therapist, and then more or less stormed out of the session, refused to ever go back, and told me I should move out of the house that week.  (I did end up doing that, but not for a few months... was not ready to pull the trigger just then).

[PeteWitsend]

...

I don't really have a question, I guess. If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.

Resolving your feelings here is difficult; I think it's a "fish or cut bait" kinda question.  How long do you keep trying, knowing it may very well be hopeless?  

I had a friend who's a psychiatrist who told me people like my XW never change, and if I wasn't happy, I should leave.  From reading further, I know there are some stories out there of pwBPD successfully "calming the waters" so to speak, through DBT or other forms of therapy... but they were rare, and in my case, my XW would not sit through therapy sessions if she had to bear any blame or any personal responsibility for her actions whatsoever, so I didn't have any reason to hope she could change.  

As far as knowing if your partner really wants a divorce or not, I would assume anything they talk about is idle talk, or talk intended to manipulate you.  Actions here speak louder than words.

I've read plenty of stories on this board of BPD partners simply ditching their partners at the drop of a hat when they want to leave.  

The divorce talk is caustic, but - at least in my experience - my BPDxw didn't see it that way.  Once the word got used and divorce didn't happen right away, she would threaten it all the time, even over the most mundane disagreements.  "If you're not happy, divorce me then."  It quickly got added to her arsenal of "things to threaten to get what I want."  She was shocked when I actually followed through.

I guess to put it more succinctly: if a pwBPD wants to leave you, they'd already have left.  And they wouldn't discuss it with you first.  They'd be gone yesterday.

[ForeverDad]

If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.

Of course it's a heavy weight, this is dysfunctional and unhealthy rather than the functional and healthy we desire.

I was married for a decade.  She was becoming increasingly distressed and critical, so we decided to have a baby, I was hoping it would make her happy to share the joys of a fresh new life.  It failed miserably.  She pulled away more from her husband who was now a father.  (Sadly her stepfather was her prime abuser, I wasn't able to overcome that hurdle.)  In our final year together she started pulling the "divorce" card multiple times.  It went downhill from there.  (Eventually I did file for divorce, I had to protect myself and my parenting.)

There is more than a hint of truth in this observation... "If it has been threatened or even contemplated then it will happen, given enough time."

[maxsterling]

I too felt/feel strongly about marriage.  But when the dysfunction keeps growing, the point may be reached where there is virtually no other choice but to end the relationship to preserve yourself.  In my case, it was the need to get away from threats and remain an involved father.

Wow.  That resonated with me.  At first it was dysfunction every now and then.  It felt more confusing than hurtful, and I would rebound and feel hopeful again.  I would be optimistic for new treatments W would get.  I would think that after xyz happened things would get better.  I am optimistic by nature, and tend to think the best of people.  But I am coming to the point where the dysfunction is daily.  Little things like sarcastic comments are harder to swallow.  Yesterday I made a simple comment about how it would be good for me to go out and get exercise turned into a snide remark, pity party, and a day long dysregulation.   I can't keep living having to watch out for how an innocent comment can ruin an entire weekend.  When she starts screaming and I decide to leave, I leave with a smile on my face knowing I will get peace.  I know I can't be my best as a father living with this.  I hate to throw blame - but ONE of these were ever issues in the 36 years of my life before I met BPDw.  The issues BPDw has with me nobody even in my whole life has had with me.   And yet I am here, somehow respecting my Ws mental illness rather than taking care of myself.   

[DogMom2019]

You need to love and respect yourself first. You're right, marriages shouldn't be like that. You can have a better life. You can't change anyone but yourself. Start there. Ask yourself what you want out of life and write out a roadmap to get there. No magical thinking.

I think your last sentence of "magical thinking" has me by the chokehold! I hear the things she says and the things she does... However, I immediately go to, if I say the right thing or do the right thing then she'll see me and our life together. Maybe then it won't be so hard for her to do the things she does.
I have also realized that I have allowed my self-respect to be non-existent. I think I'll try a realistic roadmap, one with her and one without.

Thanks!

[DogMom2019]

Sometimes in life, you just have to accept "What Is".

Yes, your perspective of marriage is important, but even then there is a limit.

I too felt/feel strongly about marriage.  But when the dysfunction keeps growing, the point may be reached where there is virtually no other choice but to end the relationship to preserve yourself.  In my case, it was the need to get away from threats and remain an involved father.

The accepting "what is" that is the part I am having difficulty with (I just started learning about radical acceptance in DBT). At this point she has told all of her family & friends that we are divorcing yet when she talks to me she reminds me that we are still married. I had decided to stand in the fact that I won't participate in the divorce (as in gathering info and talking about it until I see actual papers), but it's the back and forth that is starting to wear me down. We don't have any kids, I am so grateful for that. At what point did you say, this is not healthy enough for me? Logically, I know this isn't healthy... It's the heart that won't get the message.

[DogMom2019]

It'll never be enough. I was doing the same thing. Always catering to her needs and wants. Willing to do almost anything to make her happy. Eventually you realize it'll never be enough, you're trying to fill a make believe image of something that doesn't exist. It's an idolized version of you that she created. Every time that image is distorted, that's when you have problems.

The September to January piece... I too have noticed that trend. A therapist who we were speaking to actually told me to pay attention and be vigilant on holidays. The partner with BPD may have heightened expectations or feelings that they project.


I highlight 3 different occasions, each throughout the holiday seasons. Around these times also comes her yearly suicidal thoughts and depressions.

You aren't alone nor crazy. You matter my friend. I am realizing I've always had to do more, be more. "I love you IF you do this" I won't divorce you IF you change that to make me happy. You shouldn't be devalued, you're more than enough and you matter. Don't put up with the abuse and realize what boundaries must be maintained to protect yourself.

I was going to highlight this entire response but I thought against it. Nothing (that's not an exaggeration) I did, felt like it was enough. She told me I wasn't affectionate enough, I increased the affection, even beyond what I was comfortable with. Now, she is set on a divorce yet she hasn't made any actions towards it.
Your last paragraph I'm going to print it out and post it where I can see it daily. THANKS!

[DogMom2019]

I likened it to having to fill a bottomless pit.

That's exactly how my current therapist and both of our previous MCs described it. Somewhere in my sick head, I thought that my love would be enough to satisfy her... That I would be enough to settle her soul. All the while, my needs and my soul were slowly disappearing.

[DogMom2019]

Resolving your feelings here is difficult; I think it's a "fish or cut bait" kinda question.  How long do you keep trying, knowing it may very well be hopeless?  

I had a friend who's a psychiatrist who told me people like my XW never change, and if I wasn't happy, I should leave.  From reading further, I know there are some stories out there of pwBPD successfully "calming the waters" so to speak, through DBT or other forms of therapy... but they were rare, and in my case, my XW would not sit through therapy sessions if she had to bear any blame or any personal responsibility for her actions whatsoever, so I didn't have any reason to hope she could change.  

As far as knowing if your partner really wants a divorce or not, I would assume anything they talk about is idle talk, or talk intended to manipulate you.  Actions here speak louder than words.

I've read plenty of stories on this board of BPD partners simply ditching their partners at the drop of a hat when they want to leave.  

The divorce talk is caustic, but - at least in my experience - my BPDxw didn't see it that way.  Once the word got used and divorce didn't happen right away, she would threaten it all the time, even over the most mundane disagreements.  "If you're not happy, divorce me then."  It quickly got added to her arsenal of "things to threaten to get what I want."  She was shocked when I actually followed through.

I guess to put it more succinctly: if a pwBPD wants to leave you, they'd already have left.  And they wouldn't discuss it with you first.  They'd be gone yesterday.

So much of what you wrote is like Neosporin to my emotional wounds towards the recent turn of events that I've experienced. I have read those stories and was determined to make them mine as well especially since my spouse told me that she's working on herself (which there are glimpse of change until she is triggered then it goes right back to those harsh traits). I want to so badly believe that she'll get better, but then I realize all it took was 62 days of us being geographically separated (and me constantly chasing) for her to create in her mind that our marriage isn't worth it, she's worth more than fighting for us, and to stick with saying she wants a divorce.

I've read that it's mainly the Partners that leave because they are so worn out so to have my spouse want to leave even with the fear of abandonment HIGH... Really freaks me out, makes me question my role in all this and my self-worth. Sick, I know.

[DogMom2019]

Of course it's a heavy weight, this is dysfunctional and unhealthy rather than the functional and healthy we desire.

There is more than a hint of truth in this observation... "If it has been threatened or even contemplated then it will happen, given enough time."

10 Years? I am experiencing physical symptoms after just 6 years together, 4 married!  I am afraid you may be right on that... It has been threatened every since since we started dating (multiple times a year) and I guess the situation is creating itself to happen.

[DogMom2019]

I hate to throw blame - but ONE of these were ever issues in the 36 years of my life before I met BPDw.  The issues BPDw has with me nobody even in my whole life has had with me.   And yet I am here, somehow respecting my Ws mental illness rather than taking care of myself.   

That last line... Is me all day. I get upset with myself because my actions say my spouse's mental health is worth more than me. I'm sending light and positivity your way as you wade the BPD land.

[maxsterling]

That last line... Is me all day. I get upset with myself because my actions say my spouse's mental health is worth more than me. I'm sending light and positivity your way as you wade the BPD land.

My W will "guilt trip" me that I knew about her mental illness (which she says is complex PTSD) before we were married, and that I am not respecting her diagnosis when I take certain boundary enforcing actions.  Example - she can scream and curse at me and call me names, but I am "abusive" for walking away from the abuse because she has told me that people walking away is "one of her triggers".  And somehow I have bought into it and think that I need to be more respectful and understanding of her "PTSD".  The reality is, PTSD, BPD, or not she is still responsible for her actions.  Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse.  And for as much as she claims her behavior is "triggered" by me and she leads me to feel partially responsible, logic says that is not true.  If I am a "trigger" nearly everyone she has met has been a trigger.  I am not responsible for her triggers or for managing them. 

[ForeverDad]

I think your last sentence of "magical thinking" has me by the chokehold!...

I think I'll try a realistic roadmap, one with her and one without.

You have a couple paths before you... many of us faced that dilemma, which path do I take?  (Disclaimer, sometimes that choice is taken from us if we ponder too long.)  However, once that first huge step is taken, whichever it is, our decisions become much easier thereafter.

[ForeverDad]

Thread title:  In limbo but realized she is capable... What to do?

In our first dozen years of marriage my spouse worked, she was a hard worker.  But after we had a child — which didn't make her happier as I had hoped, at least not for long — she became more and more critical of others, both mutual friends and my family.  Her family was distant and she also had issues with them, but they rarely visited.  Well, after a couple years she started ranting and raging more and more at me.  Then she'd demand I go to work yet she wouldn't get up to watch our toddler.  Often she'd end a rant moaning and crying and throw herself onto the guestroom bed.  The last few months she would lock herself in preschooler's room and sleep with him.

I imagined there was no way she could parent our child with her falling apart.  Little did I know...

As soon as we separated... I never saw her like that again... ever.  And it's been over 16 years.

The title of this topic, that's what triggered my post.  How to describe such a person is so difficult to categorize, but many of our ex-spouses are not nearly as fragile as we are led to believe.

[ForeverDad]

I likened it to having to fill a bottomless pit.

That's exactly how my current therapist and both of our previous MCs described it. Somewhere in my sick head, I thought that my love would be enough to satisfy her... That I would be enough to settle her soul. All the while, my needs and my soul were slowly disappearing.

I copied a post from yeeter over onto The Bridge (fable by Edwin H. Friedman) thread:

While some persons with serious mental health issues (we here in this peer support focus on the acting-out "Cluster B" Personality Disorders) do respond to therapy and substantively improve their behaviors, many refuse, blame shift or outright deny a need to improve.  This analogy may help you, the reader, to determine which path to take going forward...

The BLACK HOLE Analogy

This is one of my favorites, and I have reminded myself of it over and over.  Simply a reminder to prioritize your own needs and not throw 'everything' down a black hole that cannot be filled:

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up.

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else.