Fear of abandonment becoming apparent, can I trust anything?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't think there's anything that anyone could've told me. People told me a lot of things that, in hindsight, were right on the mark. But every situation is different and I think things happen in the time they need to happen for each of us.

For me, my wife was *very" suicidal. Weekly and sometimes daily threats, a bunch of not-seriois attempts, and a few serious attempts and hospital stays. I thought I was helping her by continuing doing what I was doing. What I wish I believed earlier was that I was not really helping her and that I was not doing what I should do if I really do care about her. It sucks and it is still really hard to know that she is suffering. But I wasn't making that better. On some level I *knew* that, but I didn't really believe that.

The other thing I'd say is that I don't think I would've ever gotten to the point of being okay with all of it if I didn't get a genuine break from it to work on and through things on my own. You seem to have that time now, and are taking advantage of that. Keep doing that. Having space can be genuinely clarifying.

I think I understand where you’re coming from. I am being told a lot of things now that I think I will see as on the mark when I have the benefit of hindsight. There are things I was told when she first left that I wasn’t ready to accept at the time but now I see they were right. You are right, things happen when and how they are supposed to.
My wife was also very suicidal, before I knew her and throughout the time she was here. It seemed to wax and wane, but it was pretty bad in the last few months before she left. Even things like her overspending on the budget, gaining a pound or two, or a mean comment from a coworker or family member would trigger a “I’m such a burden I might as well kill myself” episode. I always walked her through these, with the help of her therapist. Now, she doesn’t have me or her therapist, but she also hasn’t expressed any suicidality to me in the limited contact we’ve had. I know she is probably not magically cured, but it’s hard not to think sometimes that things will get better if I hang on just a little longer.
I know that all I did from her didn’t help in the end, as we are in the situation we are, but it sure seemed along the way like it was helping as she was temporarily stable/in therapy, seemingly happier, more stable, etc, until the sudden devalue and discard.
I am definitely trying to take advantage of the break I have now, the time and space of calm. There were so many crises during her time here that I really didn’t have time to stop and reflect on if I was okay, healthy, strong, if things were normal marital issues or something more. I feel every day like some of the fog is lifting, sometimes I miss being in it and having hope for her and our relationship, but I’m also waking up to how dangerous she can be, has been, and likely will be in the future. It’s not really her fault, but it’s still dangerous to her loved one, especially me as I’m no longer idealized like I once was.

[WhatToDo47]

I don't think there's anything that anyone could've told me. People told me a lot of things that, in hindsight, were right on the mark. But every situation is different and I think things happen in the time they need to happen for each of us.

For me, my wife was *very" suicidal. Weekly and sometimes daily threats, a bunch of not-seriois attempts, and a few serious attempts and hospital stays. I thought I was helping her by continuing doing what I was doing. What I wish I believed earlier was that I was not really helping her and that I was not doing what I should do if I really do care about her. It sucks and it is still really hard to know that she is suffering. But I wasn't making that better. On some level I *knew* that, but I didn't really believe that.

The other thing I'd say is that I don't think I would've ever gotten to the point of being okay with all of it if I didn't get a genuine break from it to work on and through things on my own. You seem to have that time now, and are taking advantage of that. Keep doing that. Having space can be genuinely clarifying.

I think I understand where you’re coming from. I am being told a lot of things now that I think I will see as on the mark when I have the benefit of hindsight. There are things I was told when she first left that I wasn’t ready to accept at the time but now I see they were right. You are right, things happen when and how they are supposed to.
My wife was also very suicidal, before I knew her and throughout the time she was here. It seemed to wax and wane, but it was pretty bad in the last few months before she left. Even things like her overspending on the budget, gaining a pound or two, or a mean comment from a coworker or family member would trigger a “I’m such a burden I might as well kill myself” episode. I always walked her through these, with the help of her therapist. Now, she doesn’t have me or her therapist, but she also hasn’t expressed any suicidality to me in the limited contact we’ve had. I know she is probably not magically cured, but it’s hard not to think sometimes that things will get better if I hang on just a little longer.
I know that all I did from her didn’t help in the end, as we are in the situation we are, but it sure seemed along the way like it was helping as she was temporarily stable/in therapy, seemingly happier, more stable, etc, until the sudden devalue and discard.
I am definitely trying to take advantage of the break I have now, the time and space of calm. There were so many crises during her time here that I really didn’t have time to stop and reflect on if I was okay, healthy, strong, if things were normal marital issues or something more. I feel every day like some of the fog is lifting, sometimes I miss being in it and having hope for her and our relationship, but I’m also waking up to how dangerous she can be, has been, and likely will be in the future. It’s not really her fault, but it’s still dangerous to her loved one, especially me as I’m no longer idealized like I once was.

[stolencrumbs]

There were so many crises during her time here that I really didn’t have time to stop and reflect on if I was okay, healthy, strong, if things were normal marital issues or something more.

This was really key for me. I think it's more than FOG. When you are constantly dealing with a "crisis," it literally changes your brain and the way you think and what you're able to "see." The more you can get out of crisis mode, the more you'll be able to act from a place that is more of who you are and not just who you are while dealing with a crisis. Again, I'm not trying to push you towards anything. But whatever you decide to do, it will be better the more it is from a place of genuine commitment on your part, instead of a place of what you need to do to manage the crisis. For me, the best thing to happen was (a) a break from it all and (b) finding a good T who didn't try to tell me how to manage my wife, didn't give me "advice", didn't try to help me understand anything, but did help me manage my own responses to what was going on and what I had experienced. I never, ever considered myself to have cPTSD. From the outside, the rest of my life was fine. Job, friends, family, etc.  But the extended exposure to constant crisis definitely had an impact, and having a T to help me with that was huge for me.

[WhatToDo47]

Very well said. I’m trying to observe myself and my body’s reactions when she does contact me now, when I hear about the crises she’s going through now (she’s still going through them there, I just haven’t heard about any suicidal ones yet. I’m noticing a huge fight or flight response when she calls or texts me, heart racing, panic, tension. My therapist says that it’s a sign that I could be developing or have developed PTSD from all of this, and that she is trigger for it. I never, ever considered I could be developing it either, like you. I definitely don’t like that feeling, and I’m wondering if I constantly felt like that these past 6 years without realizing it.

I agree, I have to make a decision from a place of general, informed commitment. I didn’t know BPD existed until she left, and didn’t know these crises would continue when we got married. Now I know that BPD exists, she has it, and the crises will always continue. I have to decide if I can radically accept that, or if it’s time for me to save myself and any.
I have the break you describe happening right now, and I have an excellent therapist. My therapist is also a religious leader and marriage counselor, so if a marriage can be saved, he is going to encourage his clients to try and save it. But HE is telling me to go NC, divorce her ASAP, save myself. That’s powerful coming from him.

Like you, I was (am thankfully still am) thriving at work, with my friend and family relationships, etc. I didn’t realize how much her crises were eroding my mental and physical health. I’ve also been really surprised how many friends and family members have told me they were worried about me and are thankful she is gone, that they just tolerated her for my sake. I never realized that.

Ironically, when she left she told me to start going to therapy, because she was convinced that I was the problem, that I have ADD, I’m a narcissist, abusive, OCD, controlling, etc etc. I don’t think she expected the therapist to say that I’m developing PTSD from her BPD abuse. It’s uncanny how my therapist has been able to predict her every move. Same goes with a good friend I have who is a psychiatrist that has been helping me predict/manage/expect her next moves and reactions so as not to get so triggered.

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me a lot.