Advice about telling my pwBPD bad news

[Seeleygirl]

So I’ve recently been diagnosed with cancer. It’s not a bad cancer and the odds are good I’ll be fine but I haven’t told my pwBPD yet because I’m afraid of how he’ll take it. His mother died from cancer when he was only 1.5yrs old (and apparently chose to have him instead of get treatment). His dad died of cancer about 6yrs ago and all of his sisters are cancer survivors. He’s a bit of a hypochondriac and talks about how he’ll probably get cancer and die of it young. He’s got a huge fear of being alone and came from a very large family that is now only down to 2 which has been fuelling his fears lately too. I’m just wondering how you all think he’s going to react. Do you think he’ll be OK or do you think he’ll likely start to split because he’s afraid I’ll abandon him too? He’s never broken up with me (although he’s threatened it before when things get bad) but do you think this will be something that might cause him to turn against me? You can feel free to be honest . TIA

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[judee]

  there,

What do you mean by 'the odds are good?' Will you need chemo or radiation or is it benign?
The first thing that catches my attention is YOU are being diagnosed but worried about how HE will take it.
In a normal world you should be able to express exactly how it and what you are feeling. ( even considering his past...this is what is trust is about)
Coincidentally I just posted last night a similar situation about my bpd ex and my diagnosis. We got a scare back in October because some significant markers in my body were skyrocketing... it could mean cancer or some kind of autoimmune disease.
'luckily' it turned out to be the latter.
What I could have done differently looking back (we already broke up) is keep him involved more.
If it is not life threatening I think it will help him to be reminded of that by you and telling him everything about it. It wil allow him to feel close to you, a bit more in control and dampen the fear.
I wish you strength in your journey back to health!

[Seeleygirl]

If it is not life threatening I think it will help him to be reminded of that by you and telling him everything about it. It wil allow him to feel close to you, a bit more in control and dampen the fear.

He tends to get wild anxiety about even the hint of something going wrong. He doesn’t respond well to facts to support the contrary he thinks more along the lines of “well it’s me so the worst case scenario is always going to happen”.
Back in the early days before the “pedestal fall” he was lovely and caring whenever I was sick, but since then he has a tendency to get angry. If you cry out in pain because something happened he’ll get mad at you for “yelling”, or if he’s in a good mood he could just tease you for being weak and say “oh it’s nothing stop being a baby” (yet he complains about every little pain he has constantly). I’d love to keep him in the loop and keep him informed, and I know this isn’t the normal way for people to react, I’m just wondering if anyone has any experience of this kind of heavy diagnosis taking place - I have a sneaky suspicion he might take this badly. As in, his mind might take this as an abandonment (or at least a possible future abandonment). I’m going to tell him for sure - he knows I had a biopsy done but the doc said it was probably nothing and it turned out it wasn’t. Eventually he’s going to ask if I’ve heard about the results and I won’t lie to him. I’m just trying to be prepared for the reaction

[thankful person]

Hi seeleygirl,
I’ve actually been through this a couple of years after I got together with my wife. Looking back I could have handled it better. I had no idea back then. My optimistic outlook was extremely invalidating to her rather than encouraging. She was indeed worried and seemingly angry that I might “leave” her through death. I kept reassuring her that I’d be fine whereas she wanted us to talk about how I might die etc. She was supportive in many ways though. I had major surgery and she only just passed her driving test but was driving miles and miles to see me daily. But then would get upset about me drifting off to sleep during her visits (more abandonment). And then during my recovery back at home she went off to a slimming health farm for a week when I really could have used her help, but of course I told her it was fine. Best advice I have, which I’m working on all the time, is just to listen to your boyfriend. Respect his feelings. Never try to tell him not to feel a certain way. And know that he will always be somewhat focused on his own needs and literally can’t seem to always see yours, even if you’re extremely sick and tired from surgery/meds/recovering at home.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery! We are here for you and I’m glad you have that extra little bit of support.

[Seeleygirl]

Respect his feelings. Never try to tell him not to feel a certain way. And know that he will always be somewhat focused on his own needs and literally can’t seem to always see yours, even if you’re extremely sick and tired from surgery/meds/recovering at home.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery! We are here for you and I’m glad you have that extra little bit of support.

Thank you so much. I always try to but he can be so damn disrespectful himself it can get hard. I do understand that BPDers are always going to focus on their own needs first - I had a therapist who told me that when their anxiety goes up their feelings are so close in front of their face that they can’t possibly see anyone else’s. I was just worried because my bf has told me many times how when his dad was dying of cancer he never went to see him in the hospital because he couldn’t get over being mad at him (he had BPD too I’m quite sure and made his childhood miserable). He said right up to the end he never really believed he was going to die and pretty much figured he was faking it to get out of work (long story - it’s not as bad as that sounds). He also treats his uncle, who is in remission from cancer, quite badly (also for various reasons I understand but that doesn’t really make it better). It’s so terrible to write this all out because he sounds like such a terrible person but if you were to meet him you would think he was awesome. And so much of him is it’s just so hard to deal with the part of him that isn’t. I ended up telling him this afternoon and he took it hard but so far he’s been very caring and sweet. I don’t expect it will last but at least it’s so far so good. Thank you so much for your caring words and encouragement. I do have to have surgery but so far no chemo so that sounds good!