Just checking in

[Depression = 72% of members]

I meant to come and post about how things are going, and events of this weekend spurred on my need to do that.

I have been 7 months broken up, and 4 months no contact and no sex with my ex wBPD. I haven't looked at any of her social media, and kept her blocked on all avenues of contact except e-mail, and there have been no e-mails.

The last two months I have been seeing someone new. It is amazing how I have to readjust to what is normal/not toxic. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week. We text daily, but not continuously. I feel a bit bad because I was (am?) so broken by my BPD relationship that I have been going very, very slow. I am torn between is it healthy slowness or is it me being too closed off? Everything with the new person is great. perfect match professionally, spiritually, and emotionally.  The sex isn't the multiple times a day fireworks extravaganza it is with a BPD. I think there is a part of me that is still addicted and craving that horrible but enticing BPD crazy rush. Trying to find that balance between sanity and passion. Neither of us have said "I love you" yet, when the BPD ex and I said it after a few weeks. I think I am there, but scared a bit. Anyway, redefining what is normal has been good.

Then Sunday, after 4+ months of zero contact, my ex came to my Sunday afternoon yoga class I teach at a local studio. My heart sunk into my gut. She claimed it was because no other class fit her schedule, but there were other classes at the same time at other nearby studios within our franchise. To make matters more ridiculous, the new person I am seeing also came to my class.

Two things of note. I used techniques learned here of keeping matter of fact and hello/welcome to class with my ex and that helped. I mean, this woman doesn't even realize the last time we saw each other she punched me in the head repeatedly, and how that might feel coming back into a space together. The other thing, is I told the new lady I am seeing that my ex girlfriend was in class.

She didn't get jealous, or mad, or upset in any way whatsoever. She was supportive, understanding, and kind. I mean, what even is that! Being with someone who isn't perpetually triggered and jealous is fantastic but so strange at the same time.

Anyway, Still some strong feelings are there, but things are better. I am working hard to lower some of my walls with this new person, as it is not fair to her. Not walking on eggshells is weird though. Maybe that is my message.

We all I think come to normalize what is really, really destructive behavior. To the point where a healthy person feels kind fo weird. The _____ they do is not normal. I don;'t think my ex coming to my class is normal behavior. 

[Dad50]

I meant to come and post about how things are going, and events of this weekend spurred on my need to do that.

I have been 7 months broken up, and 4 months no contact and no sex with my ex wBPD. I haven't looked at any of her social media, and kept her blocked on all avenues of contact except e-mail, and there have been no e-mails.

The last two months I have been seeing someone new. It is amazing how I have to readjust to what is normal/not toxic. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week. We text daily, but not continuously. I feel a bit bad because I was (am?) so broken by my BPD relationship that I have been going very, very slow. I am torn between is it healthy slowness or is it me being too closed off? Everything with the new person is great. perfect match professionally, spiritually, and emotionally.  The sex isn't the multiple times a day fireworks extravaganza it is with a BPD. I think there is a part of me that is still addicted and craving that horrible but enticing BPD crazy rush. Trying to find that balance between sanity and passion. Neither of us have said "I love you" yet, when the BPD ex and I said it after a few weeks. I think I am there, but scared a bit. Anyway, redefining what is normal has been good.

Then Sunday, after 4+ months of zero contact, my ex came to my Sunday afternoon yoga class I teach at a local studio. My heart sunk into my gut. She claimed it was because no other class fit her schedule, but there were other classes at the same time at other nearby studios within our franchise. To make matters more ridiculous, the new person I am seeing also came to my class.

Two things of note. I used techniques learned here of keeping matter of fact and hello/welcome to class with my ex and that helped. I mean, this woman doesn't even realize the last time we saw each other she punched me in the head repeatedly, and how that might feel coming back into a space together. The other thing, is I told the new lady I am seeing that my ex girlfriend was in class.

She didn't get jealous, or mad, or upset in any way whatsoever. She was supportive, understanding, and kind. I mean, what even is that! Being with someone who isn't perpetually triggered and jealous is fantastic but so strange at the same time.

Anyway, Still some strong feelings are there, but things are better. I am working hard to lower some of my walls with this new person, as it is not fair to her. Not walking on eggshells is weird though. Maybe that is my message.

We all I think come to normalize what is really, really destructive behavior. To the point where a healthy person feels kind fo weird. The _____ they do is not normal. I don;'t think my ex coming to my class is normal behavior. 

[SinisterComplex]

D50, I know I was kind of hard on you, but I perhaps more than most am the happiest for you. Sincerely. The kind of treatment you went through was actually beyond what a lot of us have gone through. It just takes time as you are finding out. You are doing a good job. Glad you are with someone normal who treats you right and it is working out. Keep on keeping on.

Cheers and best wishes! 

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[ILMBPDC]

Dad50 I am so happy to see you doing well   I have wondered for awhile what had happened to you and I am so glad to hear that you have moved on.

You are still healing emotionally from your ex but it sounds like your new paramour is lovely and understanding.

As for your ex...interesting, isn't it, how they pop up every now and then? I can only suspect she wanted you to see her and know she still "had" you in some way.  Hopefully your BIFF techniques sent her a clear message. I can only hope she will stay away now but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she keeps popping up every so often. You are right, what they do is not normal.

[PeteWitsend]

It takes a while to get used to being with a non-disordered person after any period of time with a BPD.  

What was harder for me was to separate "normal" relationship arguments/fights from the BPD-rages & "alternate histories" which could last weeks.  I've had to learn that I can trust another person, even when we disagree on what to do, what happened, or who was right and wrong.  I can look back and at least see a consistency from my current partner to reinforce that she means what she says, & has no "double standards" between what she does and what she expects in return.  

Before I knew about BPD and had others suggest my XW was on the spectrum, I struggled with the idea of what was acceptable behavior and what was hopeless.  You know?  Like BPDxw was fond of saying "all couples fight" and insisting that fighting is normal, and you have to have some frame of reference to see that for what it is sometimes.  How much fighting is too much?  What kind of fighting is "normal" and what is "abuse"?  These are questions I have answers to now, that I didn't have when I met my XW.  

[Dad50]

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   Thanks so much. True words from folks like you helped me, and this site saved me from a life of misery. It was the kindest thing you could have done. It is a testament to how insidious the trauma bonds are because even know when you re-count how bad the treatment was, I still reflexively say to myself it wasn't that bad.  Of course it was that bad. So thanks for the kindness of telling me what I needed to hear.



ILMBPDC,
  Thanks so much, and thanks for the reminder. It was BIFF and it worked well. I had forgotten the name.

Pete,
   It is amazing how similar all of our stories are. Even after breaking up and briefly trying to remain friends, she still hit me multiple times in the head on our last time together. And of course, tried to say "Friends fight". It was just a continuation of "all couples fight". That's where we convince ourselves it must be normal.