Ah - it’s the first week after “final” break up, and I am feeling sad and sorry. Apologies for the essay in advance.
Oh it ended it a heart breaking and painful way. We were together for just under two years, and oh how we loved each other during that time (I mean, I’m not sure now she did now, but that’s for another tread).
Anyway, for the past few months she has been in a really terrible mental state, and waiting for an upcoming admission to hospital which usually tends to help (and I was thankful because I knew I didn’t have the expertise to help). I had known DEEP down for many months that the relationship needed to end. I knew that the chaos of our relationship was contributing to her mental health and that I had a responsibility to not contribute to that if I truely loved her. I also knew that I had been sacrificing myself for so long without my needs being met ever, working to hard to please her, and in fact usually copping the brunt of her poor behaviour . My cup was empty (actually in total deficit).
However, it wasn’t something I was considering soon or even entertaining fully yet. I was working on my self and my own self worth in therapy AS HARD as possible, and thinking about what I wanted the rest of my life to look like.
Here’s where it ended:
A few nights before she was due to go into hospital, she, out of NOWHERE (and I mean nowhere, later she rationalised that she thought my face had changed “vibe”) lost the plot at me. She threw my work laptop and phone and all my clothes out the door, called me the most personally hurtful things you can imagine (things that would hurt me in the deepest parts of my soul) and proceeded to call the police on me. At this stage, I didnt even care if the police came (because either she would calm down, or I could seek their help to ensure she was safe physically if I went home). Four policemen came, and I was naked from shirt down and she has refused to pass me pants (she wouldnt let me get up and get any). The police had to pass me pants and it was one of the most humiliating I’ve experience. The police came and went, she calmed down, 4am, we fell asleep.
The next morning, she was probably the most genuinely apologetic I’ve ever seen her. She f&$ked up and she knew it. She said she had had visions of me leaving, because of her behaviours, which scared her badly and through those visions, she realised she couldn’t live without me, and wanted to work harder to recover. .
At this point, I was so honestly worn down that I accepted her apology, and just wanted a nice day. She went back to being fairly happy (but also back to manically self focused if that makes sense?).. we went to our FAV spot on the beach.
In the worlds worst luck EVER, a group of guys aged 20-25 screamed out to me that I was fat, whilst walking out of the water and across the sand with my partner. I am in recovery for an eating disorder after years of therapy and had recently just gained 15 kgs. Oh this tore OUT my heart. BUT I pulled myself together because I knew that if I were down for too long, it wouldn’t end well.. soo I forced a smile. However, she was still in a manic self focused mood, in her own world (hyper focused on being on tiktok live, despite asking her to please hop off before 12am). I told her I needed to go bed, and she asked me if I was disappointed we didn’t get to spend more of the night together. I said yes and that I wish she had hoped off tiktok when we agreed (at 12am), and BOOM, she changed.
She became cold and offstandish, told me she didn’t want to cuddle me any longer and wanted to sit away from me. I just burst into tears, I was harbouring this massive sadness from the beach and I just really wanted a hug in bed. cup just empty
I asked her if she was punishing me (error in hindsight), which just enraged her even more. I just cried,, until that enraged her even more and eventually I forced myself to go to sleep. She never came to bed that night, and in the morning when I woke up she was gone. I called her and she said she’d be home soon, and when she got home she was FOUL. I mean, I couldn’t have been less welcome if I tried. I tried to apologise, rationalise, calm her down but she was too far gone. She was probably the most horrible to me she’s ever been, so I decided to go home. I couldn’t take it.
That was a Friday. She didn’t talk to me (I mean literally not a SINGLE word) until the next Thursday. She had organised someone else to take her to hospital, look after her cat ect. On top of that, she would do tiktok lives (which would attract thousands of people in the audience), and I had to just watch her belittle and humiliate me, and name me in front of thousands of people, for days on end.
On the Thursday (6 days 100% silence) I received a text message from her, simply stating she wanted to break up and she was very sorry it took her to long to contact me. She Instantly (without giving me the chance to reply), she blocked me on every platform possible. I got totally silenced.
Now I am left coming to terms with what just happened. The trauma; the lack of closure and a whole lot of sadness and confusion.
Please keep in mind that, although we faced many and most of the textbook struggles faced by couples where one is diagnosed with BPD, we loved each other so much. We truely got along so well, she was kind, very empathetic at times, we we’re best friends and shared so many wonderful and challenging moments, our relationship was so full in many aspects and it would take me too long to even try and do that part justice.
But for it to end so horribly, so abruptly, oh my heart aches. I miss her so very much. It REALLY helped going back and reminding myself about BPD, the caretaker roll and all the things we experienced typical (it was so validating). I wasn’t the awful person she portrait in the end, and I did EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. I am just flipping through the stages of grief atm, but surprisingly doing better than I imagined. I am really struggling on ruminating about what she’s doing/thinking; whether she could possibly be feeling the sadness and grief I am, or I am just out of sight out of mind (which might be evidence in my silly mind of how much she cared?)
I really need help to stop the ruminating, I don’t know how:( advice and similar experiences would be very much appreciated <3
