Feeling destroyed... Does it end?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So quick backstory for those who don't know... My uBPD spouse and are were geographically separated in Aug due to military requirements. The day that I walked out the house was the day she started her yearly cycle of "I want a divorce." Since then I have tried everything in my power to change her mind, which I now know was probably impossible to begin with (out of sight out of mind). Fast forward to today, we are still geographically separated and she has told her friends and family that we are heading for a divorce. This is the longest she's ever held on to this divorce tirade. And I am not participating in the divorce talks or actions, it's me holding on to my marriage vow.

Anyway, when we do speak or communicate for that matter, I leave the conversation almost emotionally destroyed. I could have had the best day and when I see her name come up on my phone or email in my inbox... My diagnosed anxiety goes through the roof and the dark thoughts start to invade my space and then the rest of my day is me trying to get back to a place where I can be at least partly present (eat, sleep, work). What have you tried to help during the dark days? I have tried tapping, imagery, scented essential oils... Nothing seems to substantially help. All of my family, including my therapist, tell me to not answer the phone or answer emails... It still doesn't stop my body from reacting when she reaches out.

Just need a little help

[DogMom2019]

So quick backstory for those who don't know... My uBPD spouse and are were geographically separated in Aug due to military requirements. The day that I walked out the house was the day she started her yearly cycle of "I want a divorce." Since then I have tried everything in my power to change her mind, which I now know was probably impossible to begin with (out of sight out of mind). Fast forward to today, we are still geographically separated and she has told her friends and family that we are heading for a divorce. This is the longest she's ever held on to this divorce tirade. And I am not participating in the divorce talks or actions, it's me holding on to my marriage vow.

Anyway, when we do speak or communicate for that matter, I leave the conversation almost emotionally destroyed. I could have had the best day and when I see her name come up on my phone or email in my inbox... My diagnosed anxiety goes through the roof and the dark thoughts start to invade my space and then the rest of my day is me trying to get back to a place where I can be at least partly present (eat, sleep, work). What have you tried to help during the dark days? I have tried tapping, imagery, scented essential oils... Nothing seems to substantially help. All of my family, including my therapist, tell me to not answer the phone or answer emails... It still doesn't stop my body from reacting when she reaches out.

Just need a little help

[ForeverDad]

I think the phrase is object constancy or as you put it, "out of sight, out of mind".  I recall a post or article years ago mentioned a pwBPD who needed a t-shirt to sleep with and smell to remember the other.

[DogMom2019]

I think the phrase is object constancy or as you put it, "out of sight, out of mind".  I recall a post or article years ago mentioned a pwBPD who needed a t-shirt to sleep with and smell to remember the other.

Yes, you are correct, "Object Constancy." Before I really knew what this was... I left all of my stuff in the house to assure my spouse that although the military is separating us, we are still together and I am coming back. Even left my pillows and pictures up everywhere in the house. It just wasn't enough.

[hands down]

I think the phrase is object constancy or as you put it, "out of sight, out of mind".  I recall a post or article years ago mentioned a pwBPD who needed a t-shirt to sleep with and smell to remember the other.

I’m intrigued by this. The one strange thing I didn’t see coming was, when the instant discard happened and
S. was moving out, she was so emotionally wrapped up over  memorabilia, tiny Mylar balloon from a birthday present, refrigerator magnets etc. one had fell on the floor and I asked if she has dropped it, she looked like a child with a lost dog. Even through her texting my friends she told them she was keeping the ring because I told her too. They asked me about it and I’m …. I’ve never had that discussion with her, nor would I.

So… back to this.  Is this a known thing with pwBPD after discard? I’m just now hearing of it but strikingly makes some things click