Honeymoon period? - what can I expect?

[Depression = 72% of members]

One year ago things got really messy because of me confessing to betrayals (online and nothing personal). Before that the relationship was getting increasingly difficult so I thought that me coming clean would turn things around, I thought that my lies made me all the things she blamed me for that I somehow believed she was right about. It has been a really really rough year.

She has been really violent towards me and although she totally is against violence she thinks it has been very important for her to stand up to me, because I have deserved it. She's "truly" sorry for her violence but it doesn't seem to bother her that much now afterwards, although I know it has been traumatic for her too.

I want to share the statistics of her violence that I have recorded since march 2021: Below listed how many days per month she has been violent towards me. It involves kicking, hitting, scratching, pulling my hair, spitting, throwing objects, hitting me with objects. Emotional and verbal violence is not included.
March: 5
April: 21
May: 2
June: 11
July: 11
August: 6
September: 11
October: 13
November: 12
December: 8
January: 4

In December she claimed that what she called "the end battle" of our relationship, is now over, and she says I have matured so much and that this period has been important for us both individually and as a couple.

May 2021 was calm, but she was texting with an old friend whom she had an emotional affair with a few years ago. Now we're back to talking about him every day and her texting him and it's once again calm. Even though it's only text messages, they're fighting all the time.

What can I expect now? I'm trying to be perfect, not say anything stupid and try to validate her. Worst part is I don't like being around her anymore, but maybe that will pass, I used to be very much in love with her but right now I'm not and it makes me anxious. Hoping it's a phase.

[15years]

One year ago things got really messy because of me confessing to betrayals (online and nothing personal). Before that the relationship was getting increasingly difficult so I thought that me coming clean would turn things around, I thought that my lies made me all the things she blamed me for that I somehow believed she was right about. It has been a really really rough year.

She has been really violent towards me and although she totally is against violence she thinks it has been very important for her to stand up to me, because I have deserved it. She's "truly" sorry for her violence but it doesn't seem to bother her that much now afterwards, although I know it has been traumatic for her too.

I want to share the statistics of her violence that I have recorded since march 2021: Below listed how many days per month she has been violent towards me. It involves kicking, hitting, scratching, pulling my hair, spitting, throwing objects, hitting me with objects. Emotional and verbal violence is not included.
March: 5
April: 21
May: 2
June: 11
July: 11
August: 6
September: 11
October: 13
November: 12
December: 8
January: 4

In December she claimed that what she called "the end battle" of our relationship, is now over, and she says I have matured so much and that this period has been important for us both individually and as a couple.

May 2021 was calm, but she was texting with an old friend whom she had an emotional affair with a few years ago. Now we're back to talking about him every day and her texting him and it's once again calm. Even though it's only text messages, they're fighting all the time.

What can I expect now? I'm trying to be perfect, not say anything stupid and try to validate her. Worst part is I don't like being around her anymore, but maybe that will pass, I used to be very much in love with her but right now I'm not and it makes me anxious. Hoping it's a phase.

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[hands down]

What makes you feel she has BPD traits?  I’m not saying she isn’t but there are other things that can make a person/relationship volatile

[Cat Familiar]

That is a very high level of violence you’ve experienced. Have you taken the MOSAIC test yet to determine the level of threat to you? This is a test that is used to assess threats to governmental officials, in workplace situations, and in domestic abuse. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

At this point, it sounds like you are *painted white* while she is dumping all her aggression on her former emotional affair partner.

[15years]

What makes you feel she has BPD traits?  I’m not saying she isn’t but there are other things that can make a person/relationship volatile

I'm not sure she has it, what other things would you consider? I've ruled out npd due to her compassion and bipolar because she's always like this. Adhd is quite possible but maybe a disorder is beside the point. CPTSD feels like an excuse.

BPD just feels right most of the time.

[15years]

That is a very high level of violence you’ve experienced. Have you taken the MOSAIC test yet to determine the level of threat to you? This is a test that is used to assess threats to governmental officials, in workplace situations, and in domestic abuse. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

At this point, it sounds like you are *painted white* while she is dumping all her aggression on her former emotional affair partner.

Not yet and I'm only mildly concerned for my safety.

Yes I may be painted white, and it makes me very anxious waiting for that to change. Strangely the violence seems distant and very unlikely now that it's been a few weeks since last time. But I know I've felt that way before. Like I don't feel she has it in her to be violent despite what's happened.

Do you think the violence would have come sooner or later or was it only me triggering her to an extreme? Nowadays she can hit me for milder things such as saying no to sex too.

[Cat Familiar]

You are in an abusive relationship. Period.

Think about her behaviors if the genders were reversed. There would be no doubt in your mind that the way she is behaving is unacceptable and potentially dangerous.

Just because men are typically larger and stronger than women, there’s been a societal disconnect about thinking that men can be in an abusive relationship. We see a lot of men here on these boards who are in such a relationship and are potentially in physical danger who disregard that.

Two problems that occur: 1. In the case of physical violence, even trying to protect yourself can result in injuries to your partner. And when that occurs and the police respond, it’s almost always thought that the man is at fault.

2. Women have seriously injured or killed their male partners, either intentionally or accidentally.

When people resort to physical violence it can rapidly escalate to a dangerous degree. I wouldn’t count on her being able to control herself if extremely disregulated. Please take that test and let us know your score.

[15years]

You are in an abusive relationship. Period.

Think about her behaviors if the genders were reversed. There would be no doubt in your mind that the way she is behaving is unacceptable and potentially dangerous.

I'm always thinking about this, how about if I was female and she male. But then there's so much that comes with being a female that i don't experience. And also, this is her thing, to talk about me being a man and that our roles in life differ. Thoughts about that?

[15years]

I'll update this list with february 2022, three occasions of violence that month (10.2, 19.2 and 20.2). So far in March 2022 is three times so it's going up again. Kind of interesting, I love statistics! 

I want to share the statistics of her violence that I have recorded since march 2021: Below listed how many days per month she has been violent towards me. It involves kicking, hitting, scratching, pulling my hair, spitting, throwing objects, hitting me with objects. Emotional and verbal violence is not included.
2021
March: 5
April: 21
May: 2
June: 11
July: 11
August: 6
September: 11
October: 13
November: 12
December: 8
2022
January: 4
february: 3

[judee]

First of all terrible, I am sorry this happens to you. My BPDex one time pushed me and that broke us up. Just a reminder of how much of an abusive relationship you are in.
Apart from that ... can't help noticing It is about once a month, roughly at the same time. Could her period be involved?

[Notwendy]

The abuse is cyclic. After an episode, her uncomfortable feelings are released. She feels better now and so the honeymoon period starts. Until the next one.

This cycle is addictive for both of you. The high and the low mimic a drug high and withdrawal. All those good feeling emotions then the low times. For her, the cycle is a way to release uncomfortable emotions.

Don't confess anything to her with the hope of "fixing things". For this to be changed, it needs to start with you. Her behavior works for her, and so she has no incentive to change it. If it's not working for you, then the change starts with you.

If there's a third party involved, there's a potential Karpman triangle involved. If she's arguing with a friend, that person is the persecutor, she's victim, you are rescuer. The victim- rescuer bond is strong. But it needs a persecutor. The roles can change. When she was aligning with the friend and you were the persecutor, the bond was between them.

[15years]

First of all terrible, I am sorry this happens to you. My BPDex one time pushed me and that broke us up. Just a reminder of how much of an abusive relationship you are in.
Apart from that ... can't help noticing It is about once a month, roughly at the same time. Could her period be involved?

judee - Thank you for your response.

I have documented her menstrual cycle, our sexlife (feels a bit creepy but to track hormone and ovulation cycles) and verbal and physical abuse. She has an irregular menstrual cycle which worsens her mood. I have documented all this for a year but I'm not sure I can notice anything ground breaking regarding cycles of violence, and/or what to do with that knowledge.

Not sure what you mean with "once a month", it's more like 10 times per month. I think the cycle may be slowing down a bit, as time passes from the point when I caused her this trauma (confessing betrayals feb-21). Don't think she will go up to 15 days a month any more.