Worst meltdown of our relationship/marriage over the weekend

[regulardad]

I've kind of unconsciously known my wife has bpd, but I think I refused to let myself admit it due to previous partners in the past who also had bpd. Anyways over the weekend, my wife has had the worst meltdown/dysregulation she's ever had. It started on a Friday when I was feeding my son. He was mad I wasn't feeding him fast enough, and he let out a tiny whine like hey feed me faster. No big deal. But of course bpd wife gets triggered by his whine and storms off upstairs and locks herself in the room. I know to just give her space and let her be which I did. The issue is it continued into the next day and the day after. I pretty much left her alone the entire time (maybe triggering her abandonment fears because I wasn't checking on her). Then, she blew up on my stepdaughter when she got frustrated making these bracelets. Then, it turned to me and my son saying she hates us both. She hates me for wanting a child and hates him for how she feels now. (Pregnancy triggered a lot of real physical issues that's she dealing with). Next, came the "I want a divorce etc etc". It just kept escalating. Usually I can manage her but it was taking off like a rocket. She was telling me to figure out how to take care of my son cause she's not taking care of him, and I of course had to go to work the next day so I am panicking. I should've known she wasn't serious but I was just reacting.

So next I'm trying to find someone/somewhere that can take care of my son. My only option is her mom who has her own issues, but she's very good with my son. So of course me going to her parents really set her off and she got so mad that she physically came after me and tried to hit/kick me. And then proceeded to blow my phone up and then figured out where I went and said she was coming for me. I was legitimately scared at this point, so I called the cops. The cops showed up at her moms house before she got there. She came flying in and was acting psycho in front of the cops. Long story short, the cops detained her and took her to a hospital.

After that whole situation, I got her calmed down and I was back to white again up until yesterday. She ended up getting 2nd degree assault charges which I didn't press. She got served with those court papers yesterday and blew up on me again. Then threatened me with divorce again and said she had an appt with the lawyer etc etc. When I got home, there was no call with the lawyer of course. Then, she told me that she's not mad at me but dont touch her. Last night she slept downstairs on the couch, but we were talking at least.

I'm just not sure how to handle this going forward. I don't want to leave here mainly because of my son and stepdaughter. I also do love her. We've been together 6 years now.

[formflier]

Ugg, I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

Is there any chance you can revisit the "not pressing charges" thing?

Here is the thing...I've been around these boards for a  number of years.  I can't count the number of people that regret not pressing charges.  I've thought about it and I can't recall a single situation where it appeared charges were pressed to quickly or the charges made it worse.

That sticks out to me bigtime.

"Saving" your pwBPD from their own actions almost never works out well.  Consequences help them mature and experience life.

Look at it another way...if someone never gets burned when the touch a hot stove..what incentive do they have to avoid touching it?

Listen...if you wife is not able to control herself in front of the cops...that's not a good sign.

The "normal" story I see is pwBPD is psycho...authorities show up and it's like a switch gets flipped.  

They are instantly "normal" and act right.

Best,

FF

[regulardad]

Ugg, I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

Is there any chance you can revisit the "not pressing charges" thing?

Here is the thing...I've been around these boards for a  number of years.  I can't count the number of people that regret not pressing charges.  I've thought about it and I can't recall a single situation where it appeared charges were pressed to quickly or the charges made it worse.

That sticks out to me bigtime.

"Saving" your pwBPD from their own actions almost never works out well.  Consequences help them mature and experience life.

Look at it another way...if someone never gets burned when the touch a hot stove..what incentive do they have to avoid touching it?

Listen...if you wife is not able to control herself in front of the cops...that's not a good sign.

The "normal" story I see is pwBPD is psycho...authorities show up and it's like a switch gets flipped.  

They are instantly "normal" and act right.

Best,

FF

The charges were still filed by the police. In domestic cases, the police have the authority to file the charges.

She's not threatening me again this morning with divorce and saying to find a lawyer. I'm just not sure if she's serious this time.

[ForeverDad]

I got her calmed down and I was back to white again up until yesterday. She ended up getting 2nd degree assault charges which I didn't press. She got served with those court papers yesterday and blew up on me again. Then threatened me with divorce again and said she had an appt with the lawyer etc etc. When I got home, there was no call with the lawyer of course. Then, she told me that she's not mad at me but dont touch her. Last night she slept downstairs on the couch, but we were talking at least.

I'm just not sure how to handle this going forward. I don't want to leave here mainly because of my son and stepdaughter. I also do love her. We've been together 6 years now.

Read this topic that came up, again, this week:
Repercussions for false allegations

This not just about false allegations.  This is about threats, DV and an entire range of abusive behaviors.  Mollifying your spouse may help for a little while but time has proven that appeasing and letting the mads, the rants and the rages slide by is NOT a solution.

There's a sobering warning I've repeated over the years here...
If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it WILL happen, given enough time.

This time it was her facing real consequences potentially and you let her off the hook.  Next time, it could be YOU facing irrational but serious DV or abuse allegations.  Then what?

My only suggestion. IF you can EVER file anything legally. DO IT

Do it asap, get an attorney if you can afford it and be the initiator creating a paper trail. If a cluster B has it in their head, there are decent odds you’re playing with fire.

Sadly, it is too often self-sabotaging if you hide the bad behaviors or allow serious threats or allegations slide.  Why?  Because when the ex really gets his/her panties in a bunch, they'll attack, disparage and denigrate you without the least bit of compunction.  Well, more of less.

Sure you may be rejected and painted black for only a while, but the truth is you never know how long that may be, it may be a day or it may be for life.  You can't — absolutely can't — risk your legal, career, marital or parenting future in an attempt to "be nice", "be understanding" or to appease.  Or even to forgive when there is no sincere and lasting remorse.

I know, this sounds too strong to you.  But she is the aggressor.  Even when she got caught in the jaws of the law, her response was to be the aggressor still!  Sadly, it won't get better.  It won't.  You CANNOT fix her.

[formflier]

I think you should make sure you have a lawyer retained (privately). 

Since charges are filed and you perhaps sent a mixed message about proceeding, you want to reach out to the prosecutor, through your attorney and let them know you want to proceed.

Your lawyer can let you know if there are deferral programs or other ways a conviction can be set aside if "she gets help" and/or abides by certain terms and conditions.

There is nothing to be gained...please hear me...nothing to be gained by "releasing her from pressure that she brought on herself".

Nothing..it will bite you in the azz.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

As a disclaimer, I too faced filing a report.  I did and she was charged with Threat of DV.  However, case law (prior judicial decisions) has weakened the written law.  After a few continuances she had her day in court.  The recording was played.  She admitted she threatened my life.  As in K!ll.  The judge promptly ruled she was NotGuilty based on case law where a drunk came home and told his wife, "If I had a gun I'd shoot you."  Well, she wasn't drunk, she was raging.  All I can imagine is that if I had done what she did, I would most certainly not have been declared Not Guilty.

All I can conclude is that (1) it was her first time in court and/or (2) she was a female and mother.

So I was a bit bummed that all that effort seemed for nothing.  But there was real value to it even so.  (1) She never ever, not until a pitiful allegation years later, claimed I was DV abusive to her.  She instead limited herself to disparaging my parenting and making increasingly serious child abuse allegations.  (2) With this case pending for a few months, I was granted sole possession of our home.  So I had peace.  At, Silence Is Golden!  Sure, the temp order was eventually dismissed, but by then she lived elsewhere and never returned except for her property.

Our son was 3 years old when we separated and so he enjoyed peace at my home too.  Was it worth it?  Yes, it was a price to pay at the time but due to the circumstances it was worth every bit of that effort.

Time for a visit to The Bridge analogy.  (<---Click the link)

I worry that the professionals who tried to help you in the past have concluded that you're a "revolving door" victim.  What is that?  Where you the victim seek help when things are bad but then eventually you go right back to the mess.  Problem is, they will be less inclined to go out of their way to help you once they see this repeated pattern.

About that second visit where I played the recording and the officer warned to not to shrink back and withdraw my statement...

You will feel all sorts of emotions in the next days and weeks.  But don't fret overmuch.  You don't have to decide day by day to change your path.  You made a decision based in information, patterns and your increased knowledge overall of your family's circumstances.  Stick with it, you didn't make this decision lightly, you did it for a reason.  Here's some practical advice from my experience over 15 years ago...

Another piece of advice is that once you've called for help or made a report, you will be pressured to cancel or withdraw it.  Most likely the offender, but possibly too well-meaning but clueless friends or relatives.  I recall what the police officer told me when I made my first report (and she was thereafter charged with Threat of DV)...

When I made my police report about now-ex's Threat of DV, the officer warned me, he had seen this before, that dropping the matter would not make things better.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.

[zaqsert]

Time for a visit to The Bridge analogy.  (<---Click the link)

Wow. Thanks for The Bridge analogy, ForeverDad.