Frustrated by how my parents handle my BPD brother

[Cait]

Hi everyone,

My brother is diagnosed with BPD - he's been in residential treatment, never held down a job more than 3 months, and is almost 30. As we all know, BPD is a disorder that can often be exacerbated by certain relationships and in the case of my brother, I am so frustrated because I feel my parents enable and fuel his disorder. I don't mean to blame them, I know they are trying their best and it's not easy at all to have an adult child with BPD. Still, they pay for his housing, car, cell phone...pretty much everything and then wonder why he doesn't have a job. They treat him like he is fragile and have no expectations of him, like they walk on eggshells because if they take anything away, they can't handle his outbursts.

The worst part is, I feel that them enabling my brother is actually bad for my brother's overall mental wellbeing. He has BPD but is capable of working and building a life for himself. But instead, he stays in an apartment my parents pay for and trashes it and watches tv or sleeps all day. It's been years like this and it is so hard to watch. I have no hope that my brother or parents will change their behavior. I find myself angry at my parent's overall parenting over the years, and sometimes wonder if my brother would have developed BPD if they handled things differently (I know, an unhelpful thought process to go down). I try to accept the things I can't control, but it is difficult to accept this situation. Thanks for listening.

[Notwendy]

I have wondered this myself in terms of- if my father hadn't enabled my mother, would she be different?

It's really hard to know just how capable your brother might be. With my mother, although she's intelligent, any task or expectations of her lead to such an emotional dysregulation, they render her incapable. I don't think she's emotionally capable of holding a job, even though she has the intellectual ability.

I have a friend who has an adult child with BPD in a similar predicament. If they don't offer support, she ends up in horrible situations. If they do support her, they enable her. It's an awful struggle for a parent to see their child living on the streets and possibly in dangerous situations. One might say that the benefit of their enabling them is that they don't have that worry. Either choice is a struggle for them.

I agree that this is a situation you have little impact on. I think shifting the focus to you, your life and your happiness is all you can do. BPD is a spectrum condition and some individuals with BPD are low functioning. With my mother, it helps to see this as a truly disabling condition. If not for my father's support, I might have similar fears. Fortunately he saved well for their elder years and she is able to have assistance at home. She can not function on her own.

[HappyChappy]

As frustrating as this must be for you, I would agree with Notwendy, it’s hard to know how far you can push someone or indeed how heavy their cross is.  I have a learning difficulty which most people have no idea is extremely draining for me, BPD sound much worse.

You said “I have no hope that my brother or parents will change their behavior.”  I guess you know there’s no point getting upset about things you can do nothing about – so why not focus on your own wellbeing. That said, I appreciate the need to vent on here is part of focusing on your won wellbeing.