This Could Be The End

[Blast000]

My wife was diagnosed with BDP a couple of years ago. She has sought treatment and improved but the relationship is still severely difficult to handle.

The last year or so has been the worst. She made a significant purchase which I said no to. I felt betrayed. We saw a therapist and I spoke about this and my wife just shook her head like I was a child and everything I was saying was either a lie or the dumbest thing she had ever heard.

Now she keeps saying that she hates where we live. She hates the neighbors that she once loved and adored and now she can't stand them. We were going to purchase a house but now she wants to move several states away---somewhere I can't really move to abruptly because I have a job and have never been to this state before (I have no idea if I would like it).

I feel at a total loss here.

I also feel like this is just another way she is trying to force me to do something that I am not really comfortable with. Big purchases, big changes, big moves.

I am not sure what to say when she mentions moving. I feel hurt by it. At the same time I've made it clear that she can do whatever she wants to do and if she wants to move somewhere abruptly that's her prerogative. 

I keep trying to work on the relationship and she is just unwilling to do anything but continue to play more games.

I'm not sure what to do day to day or how to have a conversation with her about it. I guess I have to tell her that if she is serious about this that she has to start gearing towards the move ASAP.

At what point do I get a lawyer and start considering how to move forward out of this? We don't have that much between us and it would be fairly easy to split aside from financial things----but I don't want to lose that. I am not sure where I can get advice on this, really. I haven't been through this before and I don't know very many people.

[maxsterling]

I could say I am in a similar situation.  W doesn't like the house we live in and doesn't like the city or state we live in.  My feeling is her motivation is to run away rather than to move on to better (anyplace is better than here).  I agree our house is small for 4 people.  But the logistics of moving make it an unwise proposition right now.  W seems to be willing to make poor choices just to be somewhere else.  For example - if our credit is too bad to buy another house, to sell, take the equity, and then rent somewhere.  Problem is - rent for anything bigger than we are already in will be more than our mortgage payment- and we an barely afford that.  So, the equity goes into a bank account or some other investment with a low return, and disappears into the "rent hole" until there is nothing left. I've explained my concern here, but her urge to move outweighs any logic.  Like you, I don't know what to say when she brings it up every few weeks.

The dilemma for me is that I would consider moving, and moving out of state for the right opportunity, but given the turmoil of our relationship that would be a HUGE risk for me.  The housing situation is eventually going to force a relationship decision.  I won't move with her unless the r/s improves, and she feels moving is one way to improve the r/s.  Likely at some point, amongst all her talk of moving she is going to suggest moving without me, and I simply will help her move out on her own. 

[Notwendy]

There's a book called "wherever you go, there you are" and I think it can predict that moving won't solve the marital issues- they will move with you. Consider the most common reasons people move- most would say they moved for a better job, or to be closer to family. "Moving to improve the relationship" is probably not a common one.

As aspect of BPD is difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings and a tendency to project them- perceive them as being caused by something or someone else outside of them. The seemingly constant "needs" are perceived as the "solution". Something to think about- how many times have you made the "solution" happen? - purchased something, not done something, or done something. Now ask yourself- was this actually the solution to the relationship issues?

Understandably, you'd like to see your spouses happy and have the relationship be better- and so if they believe their current "need" will be the thing that will do that, of course you would do that if you could, but if you take a long range view of this, you will probably see it's a pattern and the solution you provided didn't really have the results you want. Also, if you don't agree to it, you become the "reason" for their unhappiness. You don't want to be seen as the bad guy here.

This is tough. However, I would caution you to not add additional debt or stress to your own situation. Debt creates stress, and that doesn't help any relationship.

[DogMom2019]

There's a book called "wherever you go, there you are" and I think it can predict that moving won't solve the marital issues- they will move with you.

My spouse wBPD traits purchased this book about 2 years ago and she has yet to read it. She tells me that's how she's working on herself. Do you have any experience with pwBPD reading this book? And grasping the concepts?

[Notwendy]

A while back, my BPD mother got into reading self help books. Then she went around explaining our behavior and everyone else's according to the books. Insight and self reflection, looking at their own behavior, are not common with pwBPD so the books didn't lead to that, but were used to interpret the behavior of other people.

[maxsterling]

A while back, my BPD mother got into reading self help books. Then she went around explaining our behavior and everyone else's according to the books. Insight and self reflection, looking at their own behavior, are not common with pwBPD so the books didn't lead to that, but were used to interpret the behavior of other people.

Too much T has the same effect.  My W will go on about how I am abusing her or "gaslighting", how I must have this or that.  Things she has heard from Ts or 12 step programs over the years.  The reality is my behavior (and that of nearly all of those who have known my W) can best be explained as that of people who are targets of her rage.   To her me not telling her that I talked to my mother on the phone is away of avoiding an hours long argument over something that is none of her business. To her, I am withholding information and gaslighting her. 

[Notwendy]

Yes, but the bigger picture is an inability for self introspection, and a tendency to project, and the victim role on the Karpman triangle. Since it's not about you personally- it may seem to be aimed at you- but it's due to disordered thinking, the larger question is what decisions you want to make about this. We can't change someone else's thinking.

[PeteWitsend]

AAAHH!

Don't relocate to a new city/state/country, unless it's your decision!  Especially if you have young kids.

Been there, done that. Now I'm stuck in a state I never wanted to live in b/c I got divorced here, and with joint-custody - unless I'm willing to abandon my D to my BPDxw - I can't leave until she's 18.

In my own situation, I was offered a new job with a substantial raise, but it required relocation to a state i had no connections to; I didn't expect BPDxw to be in favor of it, since she seemed to have a lot of social connections where we lived, and there were a lot of people of her ethnic group in our city as well, so she had cultural ties there as well.  

She was ALL ABOUT moving away though, and I later learned her goal in agreeing to move was to isolate me from friends and family.   How did I learn this?  In the midst of a fight a couple years later, where she had presented a "if you don't like it, divorce me" ultimatum, she laughed and said "I got you."  When I was like "WTF does that mean?" she said "If you divorce me now, you have to stay here in [Crappy State], far away from all your friends and family."

So it was a trap.

I also think moving away is part of their M.O. because it allows them to start over with shallow relationships; when they stay too long in one place, people get wise to their behavior.  BPDxw was good at making new friends, I noticed, but lousy and maintaining those friendships.  

[PeteWitsend]

A while back, my BPD mother got into reading self help books. Then she went around explaining our behavior and everyone else's according to the books. Insight and self reflection, looking at their own behavior, are not common with pwBPD so the books didn't lead to that, but were used to interpret the behavior of other people.

Ha.  I have a funny story about that.  I learned the term "gaslighting" in a similar way.   

BPDxw picked it up from somewhere, and she'd scream "STOP GASLIGHTING ME" whenever I'd disagree with something she said, which confused me... I had never heard it before.  But around 2016, I guess that word was in vogue on self-help/marriage advice websites. 

One day, she called me at work, and claimed I sounded evasive, and demanded to know if there was a woman in my office.  (She had been to my office, knew it had GLASS WALLS and I sat in the middle of a bunch of coworkers).  When I said that was ridiculous, she yelled I was gaslighting her and hung up. 

When I got home that night, she had already put our D to bed and all the lights were off in the house, which was unusual.  I noticed in the den, the case for the DVD of the movie "Gaslighting" was open, and the disc itself was sitting in the open tray of the DVD player nearby.  She was gaslighting me with the movie Gaslighting!

[DogMom2019]

I also think moving away is part of their M.O. because it allows them to start over with shallow relationships; when they stay too long in one place, people get wise to their behavior.  BPDxw was good at making new friends, I noticed, but lousy and maintaining those friendships.  

I am coming to realize this as well. My spouse wBPD traits being in the military for the last 20+ years has moved so many times and each time, she picks up another partner, new friends, new hobbies, new everything. Hindsight, I notice that the relationships will only last about 1-2 more moves and then they break up, she send them back home and starts over in the new assignment (city she's stationed in). We've had about 5 moves under our belt in about 6 years (unusual)... But the time frame matches up.

This life...