Need help - my heart HURTS

[Learningtolove]

 
It's day 11 post break-up and I am SAD. I have cycled through many stages of grief this past week, but surprisingly I haven't been anxious. Well.. that is until today.

The crippling anxiety stage has hit, can't eat, can't focus, everything in my body shakes. She ended it after a year and a half, in SUCH an awful way (abruptly ghosted for a week, texted me a cold break up message, instantly blocked me on everything with no chance to reply).

I am well versed on BPD and have read every text book, listened to every podcast, worked heavily with a therapist. Yet it is STILL hard to reconcile how the day before being ghosted, she 'loved me the most she has ever loved me' and things had been fairly good for a good stretch!

It is SO hard to just bury 1.5 years with someone (in which we were SO close and went through SO much together in that time.)

Despite all the (VERY) hard things I had to experience with her, this heartbreak is so much worse. It honestly feels a death, except I know she is still there existing.

Please tell me how you got past losing the loves of your lives?

[Cant breathe]

 I was so very sorry to read your heartbreaking words. I know how you feel; It is a death and, sadly, you are the only one grieving. I was in that very place last August. Also the year before that, two years before that, five years back, etc. You get the point: I was discarded many times by the man who swore we were soulmates. I was ghosted nearly each and every time, had to figure out on my own he was gone.

Spend a ton of time crying on the floor, eating way too much, went to therapy every week. Just sad, very sad. And didn't help that he was off with another woman, the very one he'd kept leaving me for. Devastating.

BUT, I want you to know I am better now. I have finally come to understand how mentally ill this man really is. I know he no longer deserves he privilege of knowing me. He will never get better, but I will. I will thrive. I truly believe that. If you had told me last August I would feel better in just a few months, I wouldn't have believed you. But I know he is chaos and I choose not to live in chaos.

Go easy on yourself. Be good to yourself. But, if you'd like to follow my path, go no contact. Frankly, I cut off all social media so I don't have to worry about seeing what he's up to.  I got a great therapist who understood BPD. She was patient -- for weeks we went over and over how what happened to me wasn't normal. Until I finally understood. I also connected with people on this site who gave me great advice.

I know you are hurting, but you can do this!

[Learningtolove]

Thank you @Cant breathe. It is amazing how soothing others words can, when those people know exactly what you are going through and have felt that same pain.

Not many others can relate to this type of pain, but I appreciate your kind words of wisdom and I shall keep them at the forefront <3 Also, at this point I do feel like I need to just keep replying and replying and replying the events which led to the end, just to try and make sense. But I do think I will come to a place of peace.

[Biggus]

Hi learning,

I can definitely relate to your situation. Over ten years ago I was devastated when my ex literally showed the door to me. First month I just survived basically. My relationship also lasted for 1.5 years, but after another 1.5 years I went for a long tip abroad, and had the best time feeling great about myself.

You're probably living in a shock now, it's hard but hang in there, it will get better. Take the best care of yourself you can. Clean up your house, cook healthy food etc. Some day soon you'll notice the darkest clouds have moved away like in Jimmy Cliff's song "I can see clearly now". Listen to good music, there are many songs which relate to your situation. Just don't listen to anything like "Nothing compares 2U"! Keep up faith for tomorrow, accept what has happened, accept the reasons behind it, and accept that it's not your fault. 

[T0M]

Hello Learning to love,

The good old words: 'It gets better,' are actually true. It will.
Soon you find yourself spending an hour, a day, a week, without thinking of the person that has left you.

The thing with BPD people is that once it is over, it really is over. In a way that they will get rid of every single thing that has something to do with their ex. My BPD GF has had five relations after her marriage, she told me that once but never again, and there is not a single photo on Facebook, not a single item in her house, her daughter nor her family ever say a word of her past relationships... It is as if they never existed. She really buried all the evidence.

She also got very mad at me because I did have somethings of my previous relationship. I did not delete everything on Facebook. I have a box with old photo's. But she could not understand that. She could not understand that I still treasured those memories in a way that I was happy once with my ex partner.

So I guess its their black and white thinking. When its over they switch off a button and that is that.

[csquare319]

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Jesus Christ

[Cant breathe]

You will one day stop replaying the events in your head. I would do that all day every day -- through five or more discards from this man. I'd get stuck with my thoughts. It was an awful place, made worse by knowing he wasn't thinking of me at all.

BUT, it gets better with therapy and intentional work. Mostly when he pops into my head now, it's to think of how awful he is, how chaotic life was with him. The high was very high, but the low was not acceptable. I did not deserve such treatment. Sure there is a part of me that is nostalgic and wishes he'd reach out to tell me he actually hard cared as much as he said, to explain how he just went cold again. I still fight myself to not contact him. BUT, I know he won't ever say a kind word. He can't. It is a mental illness. I cannot help him. IF I reached out to him, I would not get a nice reply because, as I said, he is incapable. He is broken.

I hope you find he same acceptance. Remember, you deserved better. YOU are worthy.