Trying to get the zest for life back

[B1987]

Hi all

It’s been about 5 weeks of NC with my ex. She discarded me 6 months ago but I’ve fell for a couple of recycles in that time. She got in touch with me over Christmas promising the world and saying how much she loved me. I didn’t really invest in this too much and sure enough, a few days later, I got the inevitable discard message - ‘sorry, but we can’t be together anymore’ etc etc. To be honest, I was so ‘done’ at that point I never even replied to the text, why waste the energy? Since then, I’ve heard nothing.

Life in general for me is going really well. I’m hitting the gym, eating healthy, have a job I adore, have great friends and family and hobbies I enjoy. The trouble is, I’m just really struggling to find any zest in life now that my ex is gone.

I feel like I should be enjoying my good life but I still have a cloud of sadness and loneliness above me. I don’t pine for the relationship anymore as I know 100% it’ll never work. I just feel a general air of emptiness about things. I still miss her a great deal and feel the positive experiences I have everyday are being hampered by the ghosts of my relationship.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? I feel bad because I know people are in much worse situations than this but I just don’t want this to affect me for the years to come!

[khibomsis]

B1987, for 5 weeks NC it sounds to me like you are doing just fine. Relationships with a pwBPD often leaves the partner in a state of Post Traumatic Stress, the constant rages will trigger the flight or fight reflex which leads certain chemical changes in our body - high levels of adrenaline, for instance. So it is perfectly normal to feel tired and depleted for a long time after the break up. Your body has absorbed huge amounts of stress and it takes time to return to health.
Do you have a therapist? It would be well worth your while to go have your head checked out to make sure it is nothing more than PTSD.
You might want to look into supplements in the short term to support your body's recovery. Chamomile or lemonbalm for anxiety, for instance, Aswaghanda for low spirits. If you are in the northern hemisphere, you might need some vitamin D supplements seeing as you probably aren't getting any sun. But if you keep up the good work of gym and healthy diet, etc, you should notice a real difference by about the 3 month mark.
 

[T0M]

B1987,

Keep hitting the gym and grow strong.
Put on some music that you like, keep away from sad music, it will only catapult you back.
Contact your 'positive' friends a bit more. Avoid (for now) your friends who are in a rough position themselves. There is a time to give and take, and now you have some 'taking' to do.

[B1987]

Thank you both for your replies. It's nice to hear people say I'm doing well, even if sometimes I feel really down.

Yes, I do have a therapist who is really good and also thinks I'm doing well in terms of recovery. It can sometimes not feel like it though when the rumination starts. I find this particularly bad in the evenings and weekends but am trying to keep busy and not think about her.

Thanks again

[Rev]

My expression these days - give your body a chance to catch up to your mind.

Takes time. It works. Hit the gym. Be mindful of how your body and mind work together in the moment. That works too.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Woolspinner2000]

I echo the great suggestions the others have made, B1987. It's solid advice.

I get outside as much as I can because I find that to be therapeutic, and I'm working at listening to what my body needs. When you live with a pwBPD, you don't have time to do that, and it takes time to allow the stress levels and hypervigilance to drop. Get good sleep too. You'll get energy back with time.

 
Wools

[B1987]

Thank you, Wools! I try to get outside as much as I can and find walking very therapeutic

[rob66]

I did exactly what you did after i was discarded. I worked out a lot, ate healthy, talked to friends, made it to work (barely, but I was there), and in general, continued my life as if nothing had happened. That's all we can do. Emotionally, what you are feeling is SO natural. Just let it work its way through you. It will get better. My process went like this:

1. After one month, the abject physical pain of the discard and sadness started to abate

2. After two months, there was no more physical pain, but still constant rumination, and deep sadness; I started sleeping a little better

3. After three months, the sadness started to fade and just the rumination remained; the missing her, the wishing it could be different continued; I slept better

4. After four months I started feeling better and actually had good days; started felling happy again, but with some regressions of sadness; started seeing my self-worth again (it was never gone); periods of time each day past without thinking about her. I even broke no contact and sent her a couple emails detailing what I thought of her, and expressing how sorry I was that she experienced so much trauma as a child, adolescent, and adult

5. After five months, the relationship/discard/blocking was a thing in my past; a lot of clarity and acceptance that this WAS NOT a person I wanted to be with because they are very disturbed in their heads, that I deserve and want better; hours pass each day without even thinking about her; wake up without having her as the first thought in my mind; realization that my life is pretty effing cool in every respect. I still search for lessons in the experience, and I chart my growth as a person.

After five-and-a-half months, she's just a thought now. A person not with whom I had a relationship, but an encounter. In the grand scheme of things, she'll end up being an insignificant person, although the growth I experienced has been very real.

During this entire time, I continued working out, exercising, seeing friends, skiing a lot, and building my community of outdoor enthusiasts who love to go big or go home! I have too much good stuff to look forward to, and life is too short to dwell unnecessarily on painful experiences. And because even during the darkest days I maintained a vigorous workout routine, I am in the best shape I've been in since I played football in college. I have several back country skiing trips planned in the coming months, and because I stayed focused and proactive on building my outdoor community of friends, I am meeting new people who share the same interests as I do.

All of this is possible for anyone who is willing to keep their head above water. It feels like you are drowning everyday, but you aren't. Just keep swimming, take it day by day, stay focused on your own health, and this will pass.

[B1987]

Thank you so much for that, Rob! I think I'm somewhere between stages 2 and 3.

I'd love to get to the place you describe where I wake up and she isn't the first thing on my mind. I know I'm lucky to have a nice life and fulfilling hobbies so will continue to keep busy and will trust in what you say about feeling better over time.

Thank you again