Burnt out and so tired

[salvyrn]

I’ve been with my BPD girlfriend for about a year and a half now. We’ve known each other for a while but got together after some time apart. I’m tired, drained, exhausted, and don’t know what to do. I love her but the condition is just wiping me out. I think I realized it was an issue when she asked to stay the night at my tiny studio 1 room apartment and instead of happiness I felt anxiety and frustration at losing another chance to be an introvert and get some quality me time. There’s a lot of incidents that have given me doubts over the relationship that are listed below. Maybe I’m just rambling and need support.

-She used to be on meth and would use regularly. When we first got together she told me she was clean for a while. Almost a year into it she admits that the entire time she was still using and swore she’d never use again. This time she’s been telling the truth as far as I know.

-She has extreme jealousy issues. I know it’s a part of BPD but it’s still an issue and a concern.  She thinks any alert on my phone is possibly another woman when it’s just junk emails or random apps/ alerts. When we got together at the time I had a fwb and an open relationship that was in decline due to covid. I gave up both of those to be with her (it was all mutual). But it’s still not good enough and seems like it never will be.

-This is where I’m kind of the asshole, but because of quitting meth she gained a lot of weight. She was already a little bit bigger but this pushed her into the 330+ lb category into obese. That by itself would be a dick move on my part for finding it an issue, but to add to that her diet is awful, she gets up in the middle of the night to eat snacks like candy and cookies, doesn’t exercise, and drinks soda and milkshakes all the time. And, I’m sorry, my attraction has gone down. She accused me of being fatphobic but it’s literally made her clothing unwearable, warped  my mattress and affected our sex life. She also spends most of her day sitting and asking me to grab/do things for her. And I’ve also gained 30 pounds from both her diet and not having time to exercise because of her neediness.

-She doesn’t have a job and hasn’t since we got together. She claims she wants to focus on school (to be fair she’s very smart and dedicated to that and gets great grades) but money is tight. I can’t support us both, and she gets money from loans and burns through it fast. Uncomfortably fast. It’s gone before I know it. I’ve lost track but she owes me thousands and burned through a 10k gift from her grandparents in a month. What’s worse is we had a fight recently and I mentioned how tired I am from my full time job and I feel like I don’t get a break (American btw) She immediately belittled my job by calling it menial, despite the fact that I’m the only one with actual income and it’s a full time office gig. She thought I was belittling her schoolwork or something. That hurt. And my finances are a wreck now. I had 10k in savings and little debt at the start. Now it’s 4k in savings and 5k in credit card debt. She never asks if I’m comfortable with spending and always says “we” need to get stuff when I’m paying for everything. Any mention of her getting a job is taken as an attack and ‘makes her feel bad.’

- Long story, but the short version is she worked at a weed place but was laid off due to ongoing stomach issues. We then travelled 6 hours to get a procedure done, I paid hundreds for the hotel and food. Her follow up appointments fall through due to the doctors (so she claims) and she never follows up again. It just bothers me that the end result after hundreds spent is basically a shrug. Every day she says how her stomach hurts, then she continues her terrible diet and all I can do is give a halfhearted “I’m sorry.”

-She is endlessly worried about me not being attracted to her, but at the same times only showers a few times a week, never wears makeup (not that it’s required, I’ve never said anything about it), and her curly hair gets matted and tangled up at least once a week due to lack of care and proper washing.

And the worst is I know it’s mostly her BPD and depression that’s behind a lot of it. She’s getting help for it with therapy and meds. Maybe we’re tired, maybe we’re worn out, maybe we’re at different stages, but I’m having doubts. And I know depression and mental illness is a bitch, I’m dealing with it too, but I’m tired. I want to be supportive but I feel like it’s becoming too much.

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[T0M]

Hey man, sounds like yo are in a bad place.

But let me ask a question, or maybe I first have to say that I'm not an expert. But my question would be, is she diagnosed with BPD? Or is it something you think she has, or she thinks she has? Not saying it is not thrue.

The reason I'm asking this is that some of the things you describe, do not strike me as being BPD traits. To my experience they are very punctual, very scared of not looking good (my GF doesn't leave the house without make up and it took a few months before I have seen her without, she would wake up an hour before me in the beginning to shower, do her hair and put make up on).

It sounds as if she is also picking parts of your life to reflect upon as if they s**k. That also is a bit contradictory. My BPD partner never focuses outwards. It always starts from within herself.  Self-pity is what I would call it.

Don't know if this helps, and again, these are my thoughts. Curious to hear from others what they think.

take care!

[salvyrn]

Thanks for the response! To respond yes she does have BPD as well as anxiety and depression, I should have specified that. Her past is filled with a lot of trauma from what she's told me.

But like what you said she also attacks herself relentlessly and I'm there as support. I think the outwards attacks towards me or my life happen during an argument. But self deprication is her bread and butter.

And sorry if this post was kind of a rambling mess, I guess I needed to vent.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you’re overwhelmed with caretaking someone who isn’t taking care of herself. How are you intending to set some limits about finances so you don’t go further into the hole?

[salvyrn]

All I can think of is to put my foot down, but her financial situation is and has been abysmal for a long time. I had to tell her to stop using my card for doordash and instacard because she racked up $800.00 just in January alone. She always says she'll pay me back but...I'm starting to doubt that's going to happen. There's always an excuse for her buying something, and even a day or two ago she said she uses 'shopping therapy' to help when she's stressed out.