The pwBPD and their "Favorite Person"

[NonnyMouse]

This is something I've read very little about (in books for nons, or website for nons). But the Favorite Person (FP) gets mentioned a lot on forums for those with BPD.

Have people heard about the idea of the FP?

Is it as important to pwBPD as it seems from their writings?

Why isn't it mentioned here more?

What role does it play in relationships for us nons?

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[Cat Familiar]

Interesting question, NonnyMouse. I think that the *favorite person* du jour happens to be the current idealization target. After all, once pwBPD live with us, the newness wears off and they see all our faults. Then they have to search for someone else to put up on the pedestal.

[NonnyMouse]

What are the clues that someone is their FP?

My uBPDw is always calling me when she's out, in a friendly way. And always asking me for advice about Instagramming or emailing. I am the one she rants to all the time. From outside it might even look as if I am her FP. But it's probably more her co-dependence. But then again she does so many things unilaterally that she doesn't seem to be too co-dependent.

I was theorizing that becoming (again) her FP might be a route back to a reversal of devaluation and discard.

Sorry, just rambling. It's such a big thing on forums for pwBPD that I wonder if there's more we nons should know/do.

[thankful person]

Hi I have not heard of the FP thing exactly, but I would say that it seems my wife has had several FP’s who weren’t me, throughout our relationship. Both male and female and despite her talk of craving better sex, I 100% believe they were all platonic. These people had much in common: number 1: more “fun” than me. Read: they like getting drunk. And she would literally choose to spend time with them over me. Friends are one thing, but this was like every night for some time. Also of note that I was not “allowed” to have friends during this time. I would now have friends if I made one, but I’m not that bothered about it. Number 2: mentally unstable, and actually generally unreliable. They don’t stick around for long. And then I guess she goes back to reluctantly having me as her FP, but always on the lookout for “better friends”.

[ILMBPDC]

This is something I've read very little about (in books for nons, or website for nons). But the Favorite Person (FP) gets mentioned a lot on forums for those with BPD.

Have people heard about the idea of the FP?

Is it as important to pwBPD as it seems from their writings?

Why isn't it mentioned here more?

What role does it play in relationships for us nons?

I think its probably not mentioned here more because not a lot of nons even realize that BPDs have FPs. FPs are also not exclusive to pwBPD. I actually have had FPs before because of my abandonment issues with my cPTSD. I do not have BPD (no where near enough symptoms to be BPD) but this FP thing - the emotional spirals at least - is what I imagine it must be like to live with BPD.
I am going to paste below something I wrote for a mental health forum regarding having a FP.

I don't know if its the same for others who have FPs but this is what is its like for *me*:
When someone comes along that triggers just the "right" emotional response, I become fixated on them. Its like a drug, I want more of what they are giving me. I start to ignore other people (often ruining my other fledgling friendships) so that I can be available if my FP happens to want to see me. If I see they are online and haven't texted me, I get upset and start to wonder if they are ignoring me or worry they don't like me like they used to. My emotions spiral. Basically, I think I want to be enmeshed with that person (I only learned about that term recently but it fits). The thing is - I can see myself becoming fixated. I can feel it. There's a rational part of me that is screaming at my inner child "WTF are you doing? You are losing yourself again" but I can't stop it.

Its not so much "Oh this person is my best friend and they're awesome" Its more like "This person is awesome and they need to fulfill my every emotional need and pay attention to me and text me every hour to reassure me they haven't forgotten about me". I know how insane it sounds. And I really don't know why I get this way around specific people and only specific people. It makes me feel completely insane.

Interestingly, I don't even have to have a FP all the time - I know some people need to have someone as a FP but I have gone years without one. But then someone comes alone that triggers something in me and I'm gone. Now that I have figured out I have this FP tendency, I am working on trying to identify what that trigger is so I can address it.

I am lucky that I am able to hide it quite well so that my current FP actually has no idea what's going on in my head. I slipped an made a comment last week that was a bit needy and he was so confused because he doesn't see me like that at all but inside I am a basket case.

At the time I wrote this my exBPD was still my FP. I have been weaning myself off of him and feel like at this point the FP tendency is fading. In my case a FP doesn't need to be the person I am dating - I even had a celebrity be my FP for about 6 months and I spent an inordinate amount of time learning everything about him.

As for the role it plays for us nons - I believe that during the idealization phase that we are almost certainly the pwBPD's FP. We can do no wrong, they want to be around with us and talk to us and we are amazing. Of course I  have no idea what they are thinking in their head and if it matches my account above but I do know that I have seen some accounts on the forum here where pwBPD seem to need constant validation and attention from their non and, to me, that screams FP. On the other hand, I don't think anyone really walks up to their FP and tells them "Hey you're my FP" so, like I said before, many of us nons don't even realize that's what's going on in their head.

[thankful person]

I don't know if its the same for others who have FPs but this is what is its like for *me*:
When someone comes along that triggers just the "right" emotional response, I become fixated on them. Its like a drug, I want more of what they are giving me. I start to ignore other people (often ruining my other fledgling friendships) so that I can be available if my FP happens to want to see me. If I see they are online and haven't texted me, I get upset and start to wonder if they are ignoring me or worry they don't like me like they used to. My emotions spiral. Basically, I think I want to be enmeshed with that person (I only learned about that term recently but it fits). The thing is - I can see myself becoming fixated. I can feel it. There's a rational part of me that is screaming at my inner child "WTF are you doing? You are losing yourself again" but I can't stop it.

ILMDPDC, I understand and relate to this 100%. I have been obsessed with various people, throughout my life. At age ten I had a crush on this boy at school and phoned every household in the area with his surname and asked to speak to him and then I found him and he said hello and I hung up… and so it continued. I always wanted someone to reciprocate the obsession. My bpdw was finally able to provide this. I had no idea what a mess I was getting myself into. Seven years later and I’m finally ready to live for myself. No more favourite person for me.

[ILMBPDC]

ILMDPDC, I understand and relate to this 100%. I have been obsessed with various people, throughout my life. At age ten I had a crush on this boy at school and phoned every household in the area with his surname and asked to speak to him and then I found him and he said hello and I hung up… and so it continued. I always wanted someone to reciprocate the obsession. My bpdw was finally able to provide this. I had no idea what a mess I was getting myself into. Seven years later and I’m finally ready to live for myself. No more favourite person for me.

Look up "Limerence" - I feel like the concept of having a favorite person is really just strong limerence and its very common in people with cPTSD (me) as well as BPD.

[mitten]

FP is in some BPD books... can't remember which.  But I believe it's usually the person they are closest to who takes the brunt of the BPD behavior (favorite person doesn't necessarily mean they respect that person and are kind to them or treat them any better, usually it's the opposite). 

Usually a spouse or significant other is the favorite person...  whereas a boss usually won't notice the behavior of a high functioning professional BPD.  They let their guard down to their FP when they get home from work in the privacy of their own home.  Partly why BPD behavior is so confusing to understand.  Because to the outside world this person looks pretty normal, or maybe even quite special.  But to the BPD's favorite person they see it all!

[thankful person]

Look up "Limerence" - I feel like the concept of having a favorite person is really just strong limerence and its very common in people with cPTSD (me) as well as BPD.

Wow I did look up limerence and that was very interesting! Ever feel like your whole life has been a lie? I’ve always avoided “normal” people and gone for people with mental health problems. I’ve spent the day reminiscing about past infatuations and thought I’d share a bit about it in the spirit of the FP post. I picked my FP’s somewhat better than my bpdw who always picked unreliable people. Since the age of around 9-10, (I am 43) there have been around 25 FP’s in my life. It was hard to count them because, as a timeline, they often overlapped. They often knew about each other too, so I guess I came across rather non-committal at times. Mine have been both male and female and included my four main actual relationships. It was never really sexual for me, though I did have sex with some of them but more of them I just kissed as teenagers. Especially the girls who often had mental health issues and were similarly infatuated with me. In the 90’s where I’m from, it wasn’t that unheard of for two girls to kiss in public but more normal that we all had boyfriends and would kiss each other in private. Around half of my FP’s were people I didn’t even really know at all, but saw regularly through school/college/work, sometimes they were kind of friends but sometimes not at all. Two of them were my male cousins. One of them felt the attraction and we kissed once but he respected my wish to not take it further. One boy I met at 18, we couldn’t be together as he lived in another country… but for over ten years I believed we should have been together. He became a heroin addict and we had lost touch. Eventually I found him on Facebook. He was an accountant and talking about football. What? He seemed about as interesting as my actual partner . I saw a movie “500 days of summer” which I really related to. When someone says, “I’ve never told anyone this before…” it really doesn’t mean that much. More recently I’ve also had obsessions (not attraction) to two of my teenage female piano students who were self harming and seemingly using piano lessons for therapy. One of them told me everything, the other shared her personal blog and I counselled her during the lessons. Her mum knew about it and supported what was going on. I think she thought I was helping but I’m not even sure I was. I think I was too understanding to be much help. Since I got the overdose of attention and need when I met my wife, these FP’s have fizzled out completely over the past few years. One girl worked at a school with me. After I left the job, my wife was jealous that she was texting me so in the end I blocked her (no explanation). Another one was the single mother of one of my students. I started texting her as a friend when my wife was out with her drunken FP’s. Once my wife realised I was developing a close and reliable friendship she forbade me from contacting her. The FP drew a beautiful picture for my wife and me to celebrate our wedding, and a grinch picture at Christmas. And in the end I blocked her too (no explanation) even though she was including my wife (they had never met), my wife didn’t like it. Realising how mentally unstable I was, and that I want and need to teach and model mental stability for my children was a wake up call for me. I don’t know if that’s why these secret obsessions have stopped (for a whole 4 years…) but being secret no one really knew about them anyway. I don’t think that highly of anyone anymore. I don’t think I will meet another magic person. I know too much of what actually happens when you give up your whole life for another person because of infatuation.

[NonnyMouse]

That's all incredibly helpful! I don't think I've ever had an FP myself, but those descriptions of what it feels like make a lot of sense.

My uBPDw got a new running coach just over two years ago. Shortly after that she got serious about the divorce. She once told me she loved him, and he was the inspiration behind wanting to get out. Hence my suspicion about him being the FP. Then Covid came along. She dumped this coach for another one (a pretty rapid discard!), but I think he is still in her thoughts. It's even possible that they meet up. But we are planning to move country soon, so that wouldn't make sense.

Anyway, onward and upward!

[mitten]

That's all incredibly helpful! I don't think I've ever had an FP myself, but those descriptions of what it feels like make a lot of sense.

My uBPDw got a new running coach just over two years ago. Shortly after that she got serious about the divorce. She once told me she loved him, and he was the inspiration behind wanting to get out. Hence my suspicion about him being the FP. Then Covid came along. She dumped this coach for another one (a pretty rapid discard!), but I think he is still in her thoughts. It's even possible that they meet up. But we are planning to move country soon, so that wouldn't make sense.

Anyway, onward and upward!

I guess I thought FP was someone who took the abuse or brunt of the BPD behavior.  It's the person the BPD is closest to and the person they use to soothe their feelings.  To me it sounds like this coach was probably put on a pedestal and worshipped as a fantasy.  I bet she never showed her ugly side. 

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s an article on Favorite Person https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bpd-favorite-person/

[NonnyMouse]

That's very helpful!

One thing I'm not good at is saying "No."

[Destiny 37]

I don’t think a lot of therapists recognise the favourite person thing but it’s definitely real.

My husband actually called me at work one night to send me a link to a YouTube video about. The woman who made the video has BPD but claims she’s completely healed herself and is now a qualified practising psychologist. Perhaps I’m biased but I’m not sure people with BPD should be helping others with mental health problems. Anyway she described it like them finding hosts to leach off. The favourite person is someone they feel safe with but as mitten says it’s usually the spouse and it’s not a positive thing. It doesn’t mean you are special or chosen. You just get the complete brunt of it all.

My husband told me he really resonated with the video and that I am a favourite person. He said he has a couple one being his mother who is now dead. He actually didn’t like her, was disgusted in how lazy and obese she was, the things she would say etc but he told me after she died that he would often go to see her when he was having a bad day. Have a cuppa and they’d mostly sit in silence watching rubbish tv for an hour or so. He said it was comforting to him and she was definitely a favourite person who he sought out as and when he needed it.

He claims his brothers are also favourite persons but I don’t think that at all. If they were they would see the ugly sides but they don’t. Which is why I feel they never believe me when I reach out for help. Yes they grew up with him and know he has a temper but they’ve never seen the real ugly anger outbursts like me and my children see. We are the only ones. Which is why we are so isolated and nobody checks in with us. He presents a worst miserable and down when he sees them. They never see the anger.