What I learned

[MaggieMisty]

Hello,
Have not been here in a number of weeks. I broke up with my ex two months ago… well more correctly I had to flee the house after another one of his abusive episodes. Since then he bombarded me with texts and emails and promises to come back and all will be perfect. And then I blocked him on everything. Did not buy into his promises again.. And why? I am sharing here with the hope that this might help some of the other people on this forum who are in pain, missing their loved ones with BPD and / or contemplating letting  them back in.

I realized this, after the initial shock passed:

If you at all care about yourself and your loved one with BPD you have to go NO CONTACT, not just for your own sanity but also because these kind of relationships are like drugs - both parties are addicts. That’s the effects they have on our nervous system with all the ups and downs and run around. Neither you nor that person can get better if there is contact (not sure how people who share children deal with this but I am sure there’s a lot of good advice on boundaries on this forum).

How can your loved one get better if you are pushing drugs onto them (your love, soothing, etc)? They cannot. This helped me a lot to detach. No matter how much he pleaded I knew that he will never get better in a relationship, he needs to do his work by himself and for a very long time before he’s ready to love anyone truly. I really hope he does. He admits now that  he has BPD and has started therapy, although alarmingly he’s on the sixth therapist now (since August last year). For the sake of the people who will cross his path in the future I really hope he is committed to getting better.

I also have to go no contact as the drama and upheaval of being in this kind of a relationship distracted me from healing my own wounds (“oh poor you let’s fix you so I don’t have to look at my own pain and trauma” type of a thing.). I had enough of that. Life is too short for delaying my own work and happiness. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for checking in and updating us MM. BTW...I am happy for you and proud of you for seeing where your head is at now.

Always remember to Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Woolspinner2000]

You have shared some important wisdom, MaggieMisty.  Thank you!

Sounds like you are making some great strides forward in setting up the boundaries you need to be able to heal. Self introspection is so important as we learn from the past. Well done. Keep at it!

 
Wools

[MaggieMisty]

I am really grateful this website exists it helped me a lot in making sense of my experience.
Thank you all.