How should I prepare for divorcing BPD?

[FionaCPD1]

I'm taking a week to decide whether to pursue a divorce with my husband.  It's day three and the more I think about not living with him the more I want it.  I can't live with constant passive aggressive comments, stubbornness, cussing, gaslighting, controling, etc.  I feel sad that this relationship of more the ten years is ending; but I'm tired and he refuses to get help.  I'm in my 50's and want joy in my life.   He has not been diagnosed.  His mom is textbook.  His daughter has been professionally diagnosed.  I think he's depressed at least but again he refuses help.  His joylessness is draining.  It odd because I see how he treats his daughters but I don't get that.  We tried couple counseling.  Since I'm the one who's financially responsible, I've come to turns that I'm going to lose money but I willing to pay for a better life. 

If you went through this or are going through, do you have any advice?

Thank you

[BigOof]

Sounds like you need to segregate your accounts first and protect your assets.

What are your plans here?

[GaGrl]

What reaction do you expect from him when you either tell him you are divorcing, or have him served? (That in itself is a decision.) Do you expect a high conflict divorce? How enmeshed and complicated are your finances together?

[FionaCPD1]

I'm not sure what his reaction will be.  He is usually the one that threatens divorce, I never have.  This last issue I told him I loved him/accepted him and that he needed to to the same.  I said if he can't accept me; leave.  But this week I'm thinking; I don't want to do this for the next 20 years.  He will not get help for either his depression or BPD.

[GaGrl]

You might start with a free 30-60 minute consultation with about three lawyers -- most lawyers will provide this. You can ask some practical questions as well as assess which L is a good fit with you.

I would advise taking stock of your financials now, before saying anything to your husband. Do you have a joint account? You can open an account in your name only and get direct deposit changed to the new account -- get your $$$ away from his access. Same with credit cards -- are they joint or with one of you as authorized user? See if you can get all credit cards in either your name or his -- none joint.

Gather important papers and put them in a safe place -- safe deposit box in your name only? Replacing documents are a pain should you lose control of them.

These are a few short-term actions you can take while deciding how and when to move forward.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[ForeverDad]

Just about all new members here are what I refer to as Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  In other words, we want to get along, we're ready to offer more than our fair share.  In other areas of life those are great assets, great values.

However, in our circumstances dealing with people who don't appreciate our qualities — and even use them against us — they are more a liability, apt to get us sabotaged.  So please restrain your sense of super-fairness and open disclosure long enough to ponder first whether any information you feel impelled to share might be used against you.

As GaGrl mentioned, anything "joint" is especially problematic.  Joint credit cards, joint bank accounts, joint mortgages, etc.  Yes, if the relationship has a future, joint is good and fosters trust and stability.  If the future is dark, simplify any areas that may overly complicate things in the future.  The more that gets resolved or becomes a moot issue, the simpler a divorce will be.

[FionaCPD1]

Thank you for your responses.  Forever Dad, you hit the nail on the head: "don't appreciate our qualities and even use the against us".  We only share two accounts.  During his many threats of divorce, he suggested mediation; so hopefully that will help.  GaGrl, I will be getting my papers in order.

I have a therapist.  I have anxiety.  I'm managing by spending time with family and friends.  I will keep you posted. 

Thank you for letting me vent.  Reading your responsive hasn't been easy but I know I need to take this step.  After this last argument, my family and friends had faces like " this again".  Not "we're bored of hearing this, but it's not changing".

[PeteWitsend]

There's also a posted thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

Has collected divorce topics.

[alleyesonme]

You know what your H is like much better than any of us do, but if you anticipate that this will be a high conflict divorce (if you indeed get divorced), one strategy I'd suggest is having a consultation with as many lawyers as humanly possible. Every lawyer that you consult with - even for 10 minutes - is immediately and permanently disqualified from representing your H. Especially if you live in a smaller town, you can really limit the options he has to choose from by doing this and give yourself an advantage. You'll also very quickly learn a lot about how divorces work in your county and may pick up some tips from lawyers that you don't end up hiring that may still help you in the future.