Advice on Dealing With Spouse with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been working on my relationship with my wife of 16 years who has BPD. For the first 10 years or so I was not aware of her diagnosis, or of my co-dependency. We started therapy about 6 years ago and my wife stopped going after about a year. I have continued with therapy and I am presently seeing the same therapist.

Throughout our relationship, I felt extremely confused about my wife's behavior and could not understand how she could act in such a manner. Without going into detail, I learned she was extremely emotional, anxious, and had a poor self-identity. She had few, if any, friends, does not work well in any long-term friendly relationship, and has a fairy-tale mentality. Unfortunately, I learned she loved social media and began to have inappropriate discussions with my son's baseball coach. He had been divorced due to chronic cheating on his part. My wife fantasized about becoming his new wife and leaving our family behind so she could start a new family with him.  That led to therapy for about a year. Since then she stopped going to therapy.

It was during therapy that I received confirmation about my wife's narcissistic BPD. The pieces started to fall into place and I started to realize I wasn't imagining things in my relationship. I've educated myself about the disorder and read various books about BPD and why I stayed in this relationship. I am a co-dependent and fully agree with my diagnosis. I am trying to detach with love and set better boundaries. 

Although I been able to understand my wife's condition, it has been a huge burden on our family. Unfortunately, my wife looks at the world as being all black or all white. There has been very little room to discuss problems. My wife's solution is for her to leave then the problem will be gone.

My wife will not seek treatment and despises our former therapist. Still, she will not seek therapy with someone of her own choosing. Holidays are not good and our children don't really like holidays anymore. I have gone on vacations with our children without my wife, though she was invited but she did not want to go. We have 3 children, 12, 15, and 17, and I very much want to keep our family together. I'm not one who want a divorce. I realize that may not be possible but I am still trying to keep our family together, in a healthy loving way if that's possible. I've come here seeking answers as I am still struggling with my wife's BPD. Looking for help.

[Dante10]

I've been working on my relationship with my wife of 16 years who has BPD. For the first 10 years or so I was not aware of her diagnosis, or of my co-dependency. We started therapy about 6 years ago and my wife stopped going after about a year. I have continued with therapy and I am presently seeing the same therapist.

Throughout our relationship, I felt extremely confused about my wife's behavior and could not understand how she could act in such a manner. Without going into detail, I learned she was extremely emotional, anxious, and had a poor self-identity. She had few, if any, friends, does not work well in any long-term friendly relationship, and has a fairy-tale mentality. Unfortunately, I learned she loved social media and began to have inappropriate discussions with my son's baseball coach. He had been divorced due to chronic cheating on his part. My wife fantasized about becoming his new wife and leaving our family behind so she could start a new family with him.  That led to therapy for about a year. Since then she stopped going to therapy.

It was during therapy that I received confirmation about my wife's narcissistic BPD. The pieces started to fall into place and I started to realize I wasn't imagining things in my relationship. I've educated myself about the disorder and read various books about BPD and why I stayed in this relationship. I am a co-dependent and fully agree with my diagnosis. I am trying to detach with love and set better boundaries. 

Although I been able to understand my wife's condition, it has been a huge burden on our family. Unfortunately, my wife looks at the world as being all black or all white. There has been very little room to discuss problems. My wife's solution is for her to leave then the problem will be gone.

My wife will not seek treatment and despises our former therapist. Still, she will not seek therapy with someone of her own choosing. Holidays are not good and our children don't really like holidays anymore. I have gone on vacations with our children without my wife, though she was invited but she did not want to go. We have 3 children, 12, 15, and 17, and I very much want to keep our family together. I'm not one who want a divorce. I realize that may not be possible but I am still trying to keep our family together, in a healthy loving way if that's possible. I've come here seeking answers as I am still struggling with my wife's BPD. Looking for help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hello Dante

Welcome.  

While I am sorry that you are finding yourself here, I am glad that you found us. I can hear that you are carrying a burden and looking to find a way to improve your family situation. This is a place where you can and should feel free to say what you need and ask what you need to ask. Unlike the black and white thinking you describe in other parts of your life, you will not find that here.  We find a way to live in the gray - without judgement.

Congratulations for going to therapy and continuing to working on yourself. That speaks of the heart of a good man.  And I hear your concern for the health and happiness of your three children. That too speaks of the heart of good man, a good father.

Before I, or others wade in, can you say more about what kind of things your T is suggesting you put into practice now?  What have the results been?  And, can you say more about how your "co-dependency" plays out in your actions and choices? I know that you have started to answer these questions here. Can you offer concrete examples that are typical?

The answers to these questions can help to see the bigger picture and to try and find a path that makes sense to you.  Thoughts?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev