Confused Does she want me back?

[Anonymous53]

My ubpd ex girlfriend (whom I broke up with for the third time 3 months ago), suddenly changed her behavoir towards me. The day I broke up with her she said it would never be the two of us again. Since then she has acted kind of crazy (anonymous phone calls, texts from different numbers, blocking/unblocking on social media etc.). She has ignorere me for there months and looked away when I passes her on the street. However, yesterday she suddenly changed her bahavior. I met her on the job, and she walked up to me and talked for half an hour. Sweet and charming. Even patted me on the back. Actually I got the feeling she wouldn’t leave me. What does this mean? Is she indifferent and don’t care anymore, or is she trying to pull me back in?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Often people with BPD want what they cannot have and don’t want what they can have. 

[Anonymous53]

I think you might be right in your statement. After we spoke, all the “crazy” has stopped. Also, she is no longer listening to sad breakup songs on Spotify (she did that every day before). I think it might have soothed her to know that I don’t hate her. Or she got the feeling that I might just still be interested in her after we spoke the other day. It could be that she feels glad to know that I took the bait, and she now feels she is back in control? I guess you never know what is going on inside a pwbpd’s head.

[alterK]

Anon, welcome! If you read other posts on this board you will see that riding the roller coaster is a very common experience for those of us involved with a pwBPD. Things go well for a while, you start to relax, get your hopes up, and then whoosh! down you go again. This will repeat itself over and over. Your choices are to accept it, end the relationship, or try to work on making fundamental changes. The last may be the most difficult, but it isn't hopeless, and there are many things you can do. Have you started looking at the entries in the "Tools" section of this website?

[Anonymous53]

Hi alterK

Thank you. I am not entirely sure what it is you are saying. Are you saying that you think she is still interested after our last interaction? Because I have thougt it was all over for the last three months. However, she seemed extremely interested in me during our last interaction the other day. I just don’t know if it is part of the game they play, and that she is now feeling like she has won since all the other things she used to do has stopped. Or do you think it is a charming maneuver? She used all the tricks she formerly did to make me want her. She was extremely charming and directed all her focus on me even though other people stood right besidde me. Her eyes were locked at me only. She even used Physical touch, and I think that would be very weird if she was actually done with me. She also told her girlfriends that she has tried dating, but that she isn’t interested in any of the guys she writes with (and trust me, she can get whoever she wants to).

I would like to give it another try (my heart want’s to anyway), but I would like for her to contact me directly, as I would lose all negotiation leverage if I was the one who initiated contact, and I want to get her some professional help. I know she has tried contacting me indirectly as formerly mentioned (Block/unblock on Instagram, called from hidden numbers and hung up the phone after a few seconds and so on). Am I hoping for to much? Is she too ashamed or too scared of rejection  to contact me directly? Cause I have a feeling that our latest interaction was her way of telling me that she is available if I write/call her. By the way, I blocked her on social media a month ago because I could not handle seeing her on there, so I don’t know if that has any meaning in all this.

And yes, I have read a lot on this forum and I have also read all the Tools and I know I would be better equipped if we started dating again.

[alterK]

Well, so far as I know (and there are others who know much more than I do!) there are two main possible interpretations of your GF's behavior. One is that she is totally sincere. If she does indeed have BPD she is at the mercy of her extreme emotions, which shape all her perceptions, especially in close relationships, in which she is most vulnerable. It's related to the problem of splitting.

When she's being friendly she believes you are a good guy and she really means it. When a pwBPD likes you they can be extremely charming. If you're reading stories on these forums you've undoubtedly seen that many of them feature sex on the first date. On the other hand, when she's being unfriendly it's because at those times she truly believes you are the devil incarnate. These emotional reversals are often triggered by small things, things that you would think shouldn't affect her so profoundly.

The other possibility is that she is being manipulative, and this too is usually due to fear. Because a pwBPD is so terrified of being rejected, they may try to put you in a situation in which you seem to have little choice but to do what they want. They try to be in control in a relationship because they fear that bad things might happen to them if they're not. She starts being nice to you, and you are put in a position where you feel guilty if you don't respond in kind. This doesn't lead to a lot of stability, though.

In both of these scenarios she is acting from a place of fear, rather than reason. And because of this her responses to you may not be what you think they should be, according to what you think is reasonable. You must decide how much you care for her (and why), and whether you think you have the ability to negotiate these rocky waters. Not a comfortable spot to be in! Is any of this helpful?

[Anonymous53]

Yes. It is very helpful. Thank you. However, I am still in doubt whether her actions is due to her missing me and want me to initiate contact or if she is just trying to be in control (win the breakup game). But I guess no one would know. It is so mind-bending!

And just to clarify. We haven’t been a couple in three months. I broke up with her for the third time because the push-pull was so exhausting.. All this happened post-breakup, and that is why I am so confused.

[Anonymous53]

Update: I think she has definitely moved on after our latest interaction. Tonight I met her on the street while she passed by in a car with another man. She saw me and laughed, an articulated to the man that he should drive pass me very fast. She did not wave or even recogniced that I walked passed.

[Rev]

Hello Anonymous,

Just running through this thread here ... and now that you are at a place where you see that she definitely is that on-again / off-again cycle. Please hear this.

At their absolute worst emotional states, pwBPD will emotionally regress to the stage of their earliest recollection of their childhood wound. For example, if a child was sexually abused before their memory starts to really form, say about 5 years old, that's about the level people with a mood disorder will sink back to: 5 years. Others it could be a little older - but that's rare if we are talking truly a disorder an not simply BPD traits.  No matter because I'm digressing into semantics. (And think for a moment how sad this can be - so I am not judging here, just offering objective analysis).  All human beings have these pockets and under extreme stress, we will all end up regressing.

So - when a young child is under stress, that child wants what it wants - RIGHT NOW!  The trick is that pwBPD are adults and have learned to change their behavior to get what they want,  even if emotionally they haven't changed.

So - when she says she wants you back - she's not lying... in that moment. Because very likely she's acting emotionally like a 5 year old. And then, when she doesn't want you any more, like even maybe 2  hours later, she'll completely change her behavior accordingly.

Please let that sink in. Hope that helps.

Rev

[Anonymous53]

I get what you are saying, and it makes a lot of sence. As I am interpreting your quote, you are saying that she actually want me back one second, and that she is all done with me the next?

I know you are probably right and that my pwBPD ex girlfriend is now over me. It hurts me that I have to accept this fact, but I realise that this is probably the truth. After we spoke the other day everything has changed. She is no longer listening to sad songs and she doesn’t contact me in perculiar ways any more. I think I gave her the closure she longed for. I now know for certain that she is done with “us”, as she “laughed” at me while driving by me tonight. So now I have to move forward. Loving her from a distance. It hurts a lot.

[Rev]

I get what you are saying, and it makes a lot of sence. As I am interpreting your quote, you are saying that she actually want me back one second, and that she is all done with me the next?

I know you are probably right and that my pwBPD ex girlfriend is now over me. It hurts me that I have to accept this fact, but I realise that this is probably the truth. After we spoke the other day everything has changed. She is no longer listening to sad songs and she doesn’t contact me in perculiar ways any more. I think I gave her the closure she longed for. I now know for certain that she is done with “us”, as she “laughed” at me while driving by me tonight. So now I have to move forward. Loving her from a distance. It hurts a lot.

I am suggesting that yes... for a brief second she wanted you... and no more than a child wants a piece of candy and in that moment the candy is their whole world.  What is really hard for men like you and me, is that it's not what we experienced. We didn't know that they were who they were ... We remember it different.

Yes  it does hurt. Loss centers and pain centers in the brain are close cousins.

Can you remind me how long you were together?  And would you like some help learning to unhook from her?

Hang in there.

Rev

[Anonymous53]

We were together for 2 years (on/off) and before that we were friends. What I find most weird about the whole thing is that she for 3 months (since I left her) has tried in every possible way to contact me, without actually calling me from her own number, and when she finally spoke to me, she clinged to me for half an hour, and since then it seems like she has moved on. But I guess you are probably right. It is like a child. They want the things they cannot have and when they finally get it, they lose all interest.

I have tried in every possible way to unhook from her, but it seems impossible. It is like I am totally addicted to her and I think about her every day. So if you have some advice it would be great.

[Rev]

We were together for 2 years (on/off) and before that we were friends. What I find most weird about the whole thing is that she for 3 months (since I left her) has tried in every possible way to contact me, without actually calling me from her own number, and when she finally spoke to me, she clinged to me for half an hour, and since then it seems like she has moved on. But I guess you are probably right. It is like a child. They want the things they cannot have and when they finally get it, they lose all interest.

I have tried in every possible way to unhook from her, but it seems impossible. It is like I am totally addicted to her and I think about her every day. So if you have some advice it would be great.

Ok... happy to dialogue with you.

You've hit the nail on the head - this IS an addiction and it functions most like a gambling addiction - in that it makes it's way into your thought process rather than your blood stream. It's a psychological addiction that produces a physical reaction rather than a physical addiction that produces a psychological reaction.

Does that make sense?

It means that "going no contact" is just a start. You will need to re-program your brain.  Why - because the thing about gambling addictions, or internet addictions is this - the very act of trying to quit them stimulates them. Because thinking produces thoughts which produces associations. And the lack of association is what produces the impulse to think about her because - well you've got to think about something right?  IF it sounds like a vicious cycle, well it's because it is.

Does this also make sense?  

If you have any questions about this and/or would like to pursue this further, let me know and then I can suggest some resources and therapies that will help.  

My testimony is this - In spite of being an accomplished man in his 50's with a good salary and education, working with the public, I found myself in an abusive relationship where my BPD partner would hit me or break things on occasion and would demean me on a regular basis.  It was awful. I was isolated from my friends and all I had was work.  She ran up our debts supporting someone on the side. Thank God that running up debts like that is SO shameful in my family of origin that the shame of that was greater than admitting to myself that I was an abuse victim. A month after separating I had the first two, and only two, true panic attacks in my life.  

So.  We are totally here for you. You do not need to live in constant struggle of her memory. It takes work and it's not fun work and I am sorry that you found yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time with her. That you were friends, to me, only means that you were in her stable as a form of "supply" until you got "promoted". pwBPD will do that.  And they always run hot and cold with many, if not all, people in their lives. My ex certainly did and does. And yes, as we become a more individualistic society and the pandemic continues, such conditions and behaviors are endemic.  So go easy on yourself... you likely did nothing wrong.

Moving forward, it's as much a question of understanding where your blind spots are as much as "working on yourself" if you get what I mean. So many people who have met me after my ex and I broke up (we work in the same organization) have told me of their impressions of her and how difficult she can be to work with - and how they see things in her that I never saw, or, supressed because of a need. Like there was a red flag there that I chose to pretend wasn't there.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you'd like to keep talking.

Rev

PS - Oh. And that comment about giving her closure so she could move on?  Nope. Think of that in a different way. pwBPD don't ever get closure on their lives - because the condition impacts them like an addict who can't get clean. Think of yourself like a dealer who stands on a particular corner. You're not her regular dealer, but every now and then, she needs a hit. You give it to her, expecting that now she'll come back for more. Maybe she even gives you a hard-luck story that she's hard up for cash that day and you extend her credit, trusting that she'll come back. And of course... she never... does.  And when you see her next, she pretends that she doesn't even really know you.