Still struggling at 2-1/2 months

[GTS22]

I broke up with my exGF who I suspect has BPD about 2-1/2 months ago.  We only dated for 2-1/2 months - 8 amazing weeks, followed by 3 weeks where she did and said about 10 crazy things.  After breaking up, I went NC, until she reached out 3 weeks later to shame me for not checking on her after a surgery she had.  That same week, 2 of her friends reached out to me as well - I don't think that was a coincidence.  I ended up messaging with her a little bit the week between Christmas and New Years, and I asked her to get together for New Years Eve, but she said she had plans and needed to focus on her health.  She said we could talk after New Years.  On Jan 3, I discovered she was already in a Facebook official relationship with another guy - just 5 weeks after I broke up with her.  She is 39 years old, so not the same as a teenager being Facebook officially in a relationship.   I have not tried to contact her nor heard from her since Dec 30, just before I learned about the new relationship, so it's been 42 days of NC.

I'm having a really hard time moving forward.  I'm forcing myself to go out with friends.  I've even been on a couple dates.  But I can't seem to get this exGF off my mind.  It feels like I have a void inside of me, and just want to see her and speak with her to fill that void.  Reading and posting on here helps a little, and I can tell that instead of missing her and agonizing ALL day, I'm having spurts of my days where I'm OK, followed by episodes where I can't stop thinking about her.

I read about so many other members recycling, and part of me hopes for a recycle.  Those first 8 weeks were so absolutely perfect that it made the following 3 weeks seem so off.  I think it was a blessing and a curse that I ended things as quickly as I did.  The curse is that I didn't stick around long enough to have things go so badly that I wouldn't second guess myself for breaking up with her.  The blessing is that I only experienced a brief period of craziness.  Upon reading so much on here, it appears that even if we did recycle, it wouldn't last, and I'd probably end up more miserable than I am now. 

Still, I miss her so much.  I was married for 12 years and discovered my wife had been cheating on me.  And, I had a 2-1/2 relationship after my marriage that also went bad at the end.  This short 2-1/2 month relationship seems to have impacted me emotionally as much as those other 2 relationships, and that makes no sense to me. 

I know she's unlikely to attempt a recycle while she's with this new guy.  And, with her 40th birthday coming up next month, I can't imagine her leaving him prior to then.  So, I probably need to keep focusing on myself and moving forward.  It's just so hard to do that for some reason.  And I don't understand why she would reach out after 3 weeks, and then get 2 of her friends to reach out, and not want to recycle at that time?  I guess she was waiting to see how things went with the new guy? 

I'm not sure if this is a rant or seeking advice.  I just want this emptiness and pain to go away.  It doesn't make sense that my relationship was so brief (2-1/2 months), and that it's already been 2-1/2 months since I ended the relationship, and yet I can't stop thinking about her. 

[once removed]

i think, often times, so much of why a person has difficulty breaking up has to do with who broke up with whom, and why they broke up.

i dont mean this flippantly: who broke up with whom? why?

[GTS22]

Once removed:  I initiated the breakup.  After 8 amazing weeks, she began to say and do crazy things.  Decided on a whim that she didn’t like my best friend’s wife, complained about my dog, and said that my 13 year old daughter would be having sec in the back seat of a car and be pregnant by 15, because she wanted me to buy her a dress that I said wasn’t appropriate for a 13yr old. 

But damn those first 8 weeks were perfect.  And even the 3 tumultuous weeks had amazing moments. 

[Rev]

Once removed:  I initiated the breakup.  After 8 amazing weeks, she began to say and do crazy things.  Decided on a whim that she didn’t like my best friend’s wife, complained about my dog, and said that my 13 year old daughter would be having sec in the back seat of a car and be pregnant by 15, because she wanted me to buy her a dress that I said wasn’t appropriate for a 13yr old. 

But damn those first 8 weeks were perfect.  And even the 3 tumultuous weeks had amazing moments. 

Hey there ...

Before I dive in - can I ask a question?

How much exploration of your attachement style have you done? Asked another way - how familiar are you with how attachment theory?

Hang in there. I sounds like you are sorting through some deeper background stuff.

Rev

[finallyout]

I think it was a blessing and a curse that I ended things as quickly as I did.  The curse is that I didn't stick around long enough to have things go so badly that I wouldn't second guess myself for breaking up with her.  The blessing is that I only experienced a brief period of craziness.

Well, I believe it is much more a blessing than a curse! Most probably, you would get more dependent on her with time and would tolerate her bad behavior toward you. Dependency is the biggest reason why so many of us here stayed in an abusive relationship, because we thought that we could not live without the BPD partner. 
 
You did really well by breaking up with her ... You basically dodged the bullet.

[GTS22]

Rev:  I don’t know anything about attachment styles.  Where can I find some information on that?

Finallyout:  yes, everyone says I dodged a bullet, but I don’t feel that way.  I miss her terribly.  Even though she jumped right into a new relationship.  That should be proof that she didn’t love me the way I loved her.  But I can’t stop thinking about her.  So I see what you mean, and I’m sure I would have been in for a crazy future, but she was so amazing those first 8 weeks, and even the following tumultuous 3 weeks, that I just want to try again.

[Rev]

Hey GT,

You can start by quickly doing a google search.  And I would caution reading too much into what you find there. My experience is that in the world of too many different takes on things on the internet, Attachment theory is the worst. Too much pop-psychology.

If you want to read a book with good science that is accessible, I would recommend:

Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin.  Knowing this information more in depth will help you notice many of the blind spots. FYI - what leads me to suggest this is the imbalance between the power of the attachment to your ex and the relatively short time you were with her. It suggests to me that she latched on to something pretty deep and/or coming out of a blind spot.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[finallyout]

Finallyout:  yes, everyone says I dodged a bullet, but I don’t feel that way.  I miss her terribly.  Even though she jumped right into a new relationship.  That should be proof that she didn’t love me the way I loved her.  But I can’t stop thinking about her.  So I see what you mean, and I’m sure I would have been in for a crazy future, but she was so amazing those first 8 weeks, and even the following tumultuous 3 weeks, that I just want to try again.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering, and I can totally understand your pain.

It is easier said than done, but you have to explore more the real reason behind the strong attraction to a woman you met for a very short time, and also why you don't seem to be able to let go of her. Those kind of relationships always fail, even before they start. One day, even if you decided to stay and to endure the pain caused by her, she might suddenly leave, without a word. This would leave you devastated, wondering what you did wrong.

The pain you are feeling now is temporary. It won't last forever.

I wish you all the best.   

[ILMBPDC]

It is easier said than done, but you have to explore more the real reason behind the strong attraction to a woman you met for a very short time, and also why you don't seem to be able to let go of her.

I second this statement 1000%.
In my case I discovered a ton of unresolved childhood trauma that leads me to dysfunctional relationships. This may not be the same for you but there is a reason you are holding on and you need to figure that out and heal it.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey GT,

You can start by quickly doing a google search.  And I would caution reading too much into what you find there. My experience is that in the world of too many different takes on things on the internet, Attachment theory is the worst. Too much pop-psychology.

If you want to read a book with good science that is accessible, I would recommend:

Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin.  Knowing this information more in depth will help you notice many of the blind spots. FYI - what leads me to suggest this is the imbalance between the power of the attachment to your ex and the relatively short time you were with her. It suggests to me that she latched on to something pretty deep and/or coming out of a blind spot.

Hope this helps.

Rev

GTS, I will back up my brethren Rev here and say looking into your attachment style could be of great use to you, but indeed be careful about going down the rabbit hole and being led astray. The unfortunate reality is that there is far too much misinformation and pop psychology. I recommend to look into pubmed. Stay away from YouTube. Sometimes you'll find useful info, but unless you are watching videos of a licensed professional or someone with a legitimate background in human behavior don't waste your time. Youtube is all about entertainment and money and people trying to make a name for themselves, not necessarily substance.

something to point you in the right direction...https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17719157/

And btw if you need more help feel free to reach out to us.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[GTS22]

Just took an online quiz.  Appears I have an anxious attachment style.  How does that relate to what I’m experiencing?

[Rev]

Just took an online quiz.  Appears I have an anxious attachment style.  How does that relate to what I’m experiencing?

Basically it means that you are may second guess yourself a lot in relationships. Your anxiety may become activated as a defense mechanism.  And paradoxically - it's not uncommon to be attracted to an anxious person.

And that's the quick pop psychology answer. Is this a pattern that you recognize elsewhere in your life?

And if you are really interested in knowing more I highly suggest the book I recommended.

Thoughts?

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Just took an online quiz.  Appears I have an anxious attachment style.  How does that relate to what I’m experiencing?

Perhaps you have a lot of insecurities and hence why you have an anxious attachment style. Look at your past relationships. What are some commonalities among them? What are the differences? Do you notice some prevailing themes throughout your relationships?

Instead of just telling you, I am asking you questions to help you self-identify. Being honest, how do you overall feel about yourself if you were to grade it on the whole? Do you feel you have low self-esteem. Do you feel you can be needy? Now keep in mind...no judgment here. Be honest with yourself and then if you choose to share it is ok to be vulnerable here.

For further information on attachment theory please seek info that follows John Bowlby's theory only. Again, the problem is that many pop psychologists have bastardized his work.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[GTS22]

SC,

Overall, I am a fairly confident guy.  Was a college athlete, own a successful business, have lots of friends, haven't had tremendous trouble meeting women.  However, my self-confidence with relationships has been lower than what it is for the rest of the elements of my life. 

I've had a few significant relationships.  I dated a woman in college for 2 years, and she was the first woman I loved - no craziness there, but we were really young.  In my 20s I dated a woman for 4 years and she ended things - found out later she was cheating on me.  Met my ex-wife 6 months later and was with her for 15 years, married for 12 - she was cheating on me and immediately married the guy I caught her cheating with.  That was 6 years ago.  2 years after that, I dated a woman for 2-1/2 years, and she broke up with me over the phone, with little explanation, didn't want to discuss it, and then ghosted me - discovered a couple months later that she had been cheating on me.  Dated a few women for a couple months here and there until I met exBPDgf, who I dated for 2-1/2 months - I don't think she was cheating, but after 8 amazing weeks, she began to act bizarre and create drama that really didn't exist.  I finally had enough and ended the relationship after she had a rage episode about something that didn't need to even be an argument.  But for some reason I feel the same emptiness after breaking up with exBPDgf as I did when 2-1/2 year gf dumped me out of the blue and ghosted me.   Aside from the 3 cheating relationships I listed above, I've initiated the breakup in every other relationship I've been in. 

The commonalities/patterns that I can discern are:
1. I tend to be attracted to successful, attractive, independent women. 
2. The 4 that broke my heart have all seemingly had personality disorders - the 4yr relationship was just odd and hated everyone, my ex-wife was an overt narcissist, the 2-1/2yr relationship was a covert narcissist, and the 2-1/2 month relationship I highly suspect has BPD. 
3.  Somehow I not only attract, but fall in love with the disordered ones.  I've only said "I love you" to the 5 women I described above, and other than my college girlfriend, the other 4 all have issues.
4.  I'm getting quicker and ending disordered relationships.

[Rev]

.
4.  I'm getting quicker and ending disordered relationships.

So - I'm going to take a leap of intuition.

How do you react to this question vis-a-vis the above:

Where are you in terms of wanting to impress these women as a way to reduce your anxiety?

Hope that question makes sense.

Rev

[jaded7]

I think attachment styles is the place to look, then identify how you came to have that attachment style.

You took a test and it said anxious. I'm the same.

I've done a deep, deep dive with my therapist on this and there's a good reason for my attachment issues- and the suffering that I've been in for far too long now after the end of our relationship is absolutely related to my attachment wound.

Now I'm not out of control with it, and thank goodness that I didn't act 'needy' and overly pursue when she went into her ghosting modes, or when she attacked me out of nowhere. I'm aware and have a lot of self control, so I was fine in the relationship...I have nothing to be ashamed of.

But, I've been in a very serious depression and PTSD since it ended two years ago. And it's the attachment wound. And that comes from my upbringing, I know it and I see it. My gf was critical, unaffectionate, withholding, nervous, anxious, non-accepting of me, often angry. Exactly like my mother when I was growing up. My family has discussed this (not with my Mom) and all agree that my Mom was very, very controlling and unaffectionate with all of us, including my Dad. She had issues, with her own Dad and growing up in an alcoholic family. She brought that into our family. My Mom even told me when I was 20 or so that she didn't accept me as a kid, tried to change me into somebody I wasn't was- i.e. didn't love me the way I was- and that caused big problems. It did.

In my case, sexual abuse when I was child caused it's own issues around sex. It's loaded for me, really loaded.

So, my ex is the perfect vehicle for hitting these traumas in me. As my therapist and I discussed this week, the ONLY place this shows up in my life is with intimate partners. I'm super highly educated, very successful, have tons of friends and clients that admire me. I'm able to handle myself in very difficult situations, am very calm in dangerous situations (was carjacked and a dude tried to shoot me in the head with a Glock...the gun jammed. I was calm and rational throughout this encounter), can hold my own with anyone and am never intimidated by people, no matter their status or position, etc. etc.

But in intimate relationships...suddenly I'm open to serious suffering if they reject me. I allow behavior I would never allow from anyone else, I think they don't mean the horrible names they call me, I feel very afraid if they start to act like they don't love me anymore.

As my therapist said...that little piece of me can lie there, dormant in all areas of my life and not applicable, until I'm in an intimate relationship. And that has happened here. The wound was there all the time, and it's gotten triggered.

Does any of this resonate with you?

[SinisterComplex]

SC,

Overall, I am a fairly confident guy.  Was a college athlete, own a successful business, have lots of friends, haven't had tremendous trouble meeting women.  However, my self-confidence with relationships has been lower than what it is for the rest of the elements of my life. 

I've had a few significant relationships.  I dated a woman in college for 2 years, and she was the first woman I loved - no craziness there, but we were really young.  In my 20s I dated a woman for 4 years and she ended things - found out later she was cheating on me.  Met my ex-wife 6 months later and was with her for 15 years, married for 12 - she was cheating on me and immediately married the guy I caught her cheating with.  That was 6 years ago.  2 years after that, I dated a woman for 2-1/2 years, and she broke up with me over the phone, with little explanation, didn't want to discuss it, and then ghosted me - discovered a couple months later that she had been cheating on me.  Dated a few women for a couple months here and there until I met exBPDgf, who I dated for 2-1/2 months - I don't think she was cheating, but after 8 amazing weeks, she began to act bizarre and create drama that really didn't exist.  I finally had enough and ended the relationship after she had a rage episode about something that didn't need to even be an argument.  But for some reason I feel the same emptiness after breaking up with exBPDgf as I did when 2-1/2 year gf dumped me out of the blue and ghosted me.   Aside from the 3 cheating relationships I listed above, I've initiated the breakup in every other relationship I've been in. 

The commonalities/patterns that I can discern are:
1. I tend to be attracted to successful, attractive, independent women. 
2. The 4 that broke my heart have all seemingly had personality disorders - the 4yr relationship was just odd and hated everyone, my ex-wife was an overt narcissist, the 2-1/2yr relationship was a covert narcissist, and the 2-1/2 month relationship I highly suspect has BPD. 
3.  Somehow I not only attract, but fall in love with the disordered ones.  I've only said "I love you" to the 5 women I described above, and other than my college girlfriend, the other 4 all have issues.
4.  I'm getting quicker and ending disordered relationships.

So I see 2 things I want to point out. Obviously, the pattern of you having cheating partners. It seems to be a frequent theme and well an extremely unfortunate string of luck. Not just one or two, but a pattern. Any commonalities you noticed in these relationships where you had suspicions the partner was cheating? The cheating is obviously not your fault, but there are lessons to be learned there...were there communication issues? Were there red flags that you just let pass you by? Things like that.

Additionally, you are telling you me you are attracted to independent women. Ok, qualify what an independent woman is to you. I ask because you fell hard for this woman who seems to be more co-dependent. She had to monkey branch and couldn't be alone...ie the antithesis of independent.

Keep in mind what you attract in many respects can be a mirror of what you project and what is going on inside you.

Now something I am going to ask and I mean no offense here...in your failed relationships what commonalities do you notice of opportunities of where you could have done better? What do you feel your faults were/are? Notice any common faults popping up? Any big sticking points you feel like you have run into and are just not sure of how to fix?

Cheers and best wishes!

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