Online Stalking

[TuttiFrutti]

I have been almost three months with no contact with her since she felt engulfed and completely rejected me and dumped me. Claiming she was no longer interested in talking with me, no longer had feelings for me, didn't want to see me, and is no longer attracted to me. Not going to lie, this destroyed my soul and heart. I still accepted it, we ended the conversation by me being all confused and telling her that the two months, we had spent together was real, she said "yes" I said "yes" she left me on read, and that's the end of our story.  However, I was still confused by her social media behavior after that. she kept watching my stories, the next day like nothing happened. I focused on Uni, the gym, and my family. I started going to therapy and trying to heal my broken heart. Is this a charm? Has anyone been through this before? Didn't she discard me? Why is she watching me? when she doesn't care.

[Biggus]

Sorry to hear your relationship ended in such a bad way. But it's great that you're dealing with it in such a constructive way.

I don't think there's a certain way certain people behave after a break up. The humans are not machines, so there will always be an element of unpredictability. Maybe she wants to know you're doing okay, or maybe she's just bored? Who knows why she does this, and more importantly:
Who cares?

I defriended my ex, just so I don't have to waste time thinking about what she's doing and why. It would be a wasted effort to find reason, as there might be no reason.

[ILMBPDC]

hi TuttiFrutti
I'm sorry you had to go through this. BPD breakups are the worst but what you are going through is honestly pretty standard here.

However, I was still confused by her social media behavior after that. she kept watching my stories, the next day like nothing happened.

The first rule of a BPD breakup is to go no-contact. (I mean, really, that should be the first rule of any breakup.) When its over, it needs to be over - this means unfriending/blocking/deleting everything. This is going to be key in healing.

I focused on Uni, the gym, and my family. I started going to therapy and trying to heal my broken heart.

Glad to hear this - keep focusing on yourself. This is another key in healing.

Is this a charm? Has anyone been through this before? Didn't she discard me? Why is she watching me? when she doesn't care.

You will drive yourself nuts trying to analyze her behavior. pwBPD's brains/behavior does not work in the way we expect. It took me weeks to realize this: I will never understand why my ex did what he did. It doesn't make sense and it never will. Let it go. (and see the first rule of fight club BPD breakups above).

Besides going complete no contact, I recommend reading the forum - you will start to see patterns in all of the BPD relationships. Post as much as you need to, we are here to help. You are not alone in this.

[SinisterComplex]

TF, whatever you do...don't try to understand the behavior and thinking of someone with BPD...that will lead you to a black hole. They are literally neurologically wired differently than neurotypicals.

The best thing you can do is continue to focus on you and caring for yourself. Definitely, no contact until you feel comfortable with yourself and you feel fortified.

IL, just wanted to mention...I like seeing the trajectory you are on. I hope it sticks and I wish you nothing but the best.

Cheers and best wishes all!

-SC-

[Rev]

TF, whatever you do...don't try to understand the behavior and thinking of someone with BPD...that will lead you to a black hole. They are literally neurologically wired differently than neurotypicals.

Welcome ... This little piece of advice cannot be stressed enough.

When you embrace it - all kinds of great things happen.

In the early days of my break-up I did all kinds of things to understand, not what she said/I said.  More = how do I think/how did she think. Finally, when I got enough emotional distance from the hurt, I began to simply focus on me - like SC is saying here - and really in the sense of based on how I thought, what did I want for myself and why.

From there, I really started to look at the faulty things I had learned over the years and the beauty of it is that by then, I could do that without blame too. In my case - my parents did the best they could with what they could. So did some of my bosses. So did my first wife who couldn't pluck up the courage to tell me all the things she was hiding. Not my second BPD ex either. What she did wasn't nice (understatement there) - and while I certainly will never forget and I would never excuse her behavior in one sense, I forgive her in another. I took me three years to get there.

I could write more. AND that won't be necessary.  You have your own journey ahead of you. If you heed anything, heed this advice from SC.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Good Intentions]

@TuttiFrutti

I would echo what both SC & Rev said, even though I'm in the middle of processing being discarded by my 27 y/o GF w/ BPD so I'm very much still struggling with this urge/need to understand what went wrong, what my pwBPD was experiencing which led to her decision making, etc. You can probably already tell that I have a problem focusing on myself, my needs, etc.

Over the course of the last few weeks, I've come to understand that most of those questions are completely existential & unanswerable in nature...let me give you an example.

Very similar to you, I was told by my GF that she is no longer interested in growing closer together, she no longer sees a future with me, and that she wants to move forward separately in life. Just like for you, this was gut-wrenching to me as we've been dating for almost 4 years and have frequently discussed marriage & starting a family. And although my instinct is to take her word at face value - to believe that this person truly feels the way they're describing - part of me also questions it given what I know about her mental illness.

She started a DBT-based program just before deciding to end things with me, and I'm sure that the process of self-discovery that she's undergoing has led to some level of awareness that maybe she did contribute to the mess of our relationship, and maybe she's starting to realize how toxic the way she avoided accountability for years really was...as I understand it, for someone with BPD, handling emotions like guilt & shame is incredibly difficult because it triggers their self-loathing & fear of abandonment.

So I could picture a scenario where that shame & self-loathing & fear deep in her subconscious informs her behavior towards me. And I'd appreciate if others could attest, but this introduces the concept of "splitting". It's the classic - "push this person away before they realize I'm a piece of s*** and abandon me" which she then follows up with "painting me black" (only seeing the "negative" in me because it helps her justify the initial behavior - breaking up with me).

So which is it? Did she mean what she said - she's simply no longer interested in me? Or was she so unknowingly afraid of being rejected & abandoned that she took action against me to avoid a situation that might be painful for her?

Guess what - I'll. Never. Know. She may never fully know. But what I do know - there are so many other lessons for me to learn about myself & myself alone to focus on such impossible thought experiments.

Hope that little anecdote was helpful for you.

[harbinger70]

I experienced the exact same thing. My ex who I highly suspect has quiet BPD broke up with me after almost two months and still watched all my Instagram stories. I reached out after two weeks and asked if I could see her. She said no, thanks, it was fun but not the right fit, and then blocked me and my whole family on Instagram and FB. Then she went on to post on another one of her IG pages that she was feeling so confident in her intuition. It hurt like hell and still does in a way. No logic in her thinking/behavior but that’s how it goes with personality disorders. You’re not alone.