I feel poisoned and trapped by my mother the Witch. What helps you purge it?

[CryingGame]

  When I'm not busy with something all these thoughts are haunting me and my sleep is disturbed which bleeds into functioning in my life.  I go through it in my head and the fundamental core issue is as old as I am. That it's my fault. She used to point her finger at me and scream at me and blame me for her misery. Intellectually I know it isn't true, but it's like a disease inside me that I can't get rid of. That was when I was a kid and it's happened along with severe silent treatment for 40+ more years.

I'm truly devastated to face that there is no hope... that once again she is giving me the HUGE silent treatment from across the country ... once again I'm living this. It is soo hard for me, it hurts a lot, it upsets me a lot. My mother is cutting me off and her anger and rage toward me are hard to actually describe because of the wounding of abandonment in my life it is so painful for me ...

If she would just die, then I could grieve on a trajectory, right? If we could rewind to before this episode and she could die before it and we could once and for all end on a good note. I hate this and it upsets me and hurts so so much. But now the good note is gone and the hurt is back and the absolutely unable to do anything about it is back... and the thoughts.

I hate writing this, I don't feel able to fully say what I need to say but I don't know what it is. It's like being cut off from the source. OMG I feel like a fool for ever letting myself be close to her again. I hate being all alone in this...with no family members knowing or involved, she doesn't talk to others in the family for the most part and they not to her ... there aren't many. I just want someone on my side, I need help validating my experience ... aaagghh can't explain it. I feel alone and trapped in myself with all of this.

I let her be so important to me these last years, she always has been. I love my mother the mother without bpd. I can use my intellect to understand the illness but it doesn't help so much with the ache in my chest. I hate not being able to defend myself and I hate that she says lies and accusations to me that are not true. Yet I understand she feels they are true. But ohhhhh my god this is not how a mother should treat her daughter. The insanity of twisting my words around. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm scared of these feelings taking a long time to work out or dissipate. I need my Self back. I need to be able to cope and not be kept awake at night with the thoughts about all this.

Insanity of love and hate. NOT a way to treat someone you love and who loves you. If you have 3 yrs of phone calls that go well and just one brief conversation that sounded like it went well but in truth you had a total freak out about later ... you throw everything away and don't care about it? Don't care about the love and closeness now because she's possessed by the Witch and certain that it's all my fault.

I don't want to be treated this way. I'm lonely, I don't have a lot of people I'm close to that I can talk about this with...how can she be such a good friend in a way and turn on my like a rabid dog?

Please help me, please give me thoughts ideas suggestions ... from a standpoint of how you got out of your emotional pain over your bpd person. I mean I can't choose no contact really... when there isn't any now...and maybe I will in some way. If there is contact again I have to be different but maybe that's what upsets me so much. Third time is it for me. Not doing this again. So she's dead to me in a tragic way.

If I ever hear from her again it will be in the form of a letter of accusations and so much toxic rage that I'm not sure I will read it. I know from experience that she will not respond to me extending myself in love because in the past that hasn't worked.

I want my inner peace back.

[Goldcrest]

Hey CryingGame, I can hear how painful your mothers behaviour is and I get it.

I don't want to be treated this way. I'm lonely, I don't have a lot of people I'm close to that I can talk about this with...how can she be such a good friend in a way and turn on my like a rabid dog?

Unfortunately this will never change. In my own experience BPD mums never have insight or change because there will always be many flying monkeys at the ready to tell them they are wonderful, have done nothing wrong and agree that we are the problem. I can relate to the pain of realising you have let yourself believe the fantasy of a happy mum/daughter relationship. That this time it will be okay...if I just...

You can't change your mum but you can work on your response to this. My ex-husband gave me a book called the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook. He bought it on Amazon I believe. At first I thought it was to help understand my mother but it was a subtle way of him telling me that when I get dysregulated by her behaviour (because I can get very emotionally stressed) the book offers skills to help bring down the overwhelming feelings of pain and stress when we are triggered by the BPD person.

I don't know if this helps but I also wanted to reach out and say I get it.  

[Methuen]

Hi Crying game,

It seems you have seen this pattern with your mom before, but you still had hope that she could “be a mom” and you could still have  a relationship with her. Then she split and painted you all black in one fell swoop and all the good times and good things you did for her over the years prior to that got deleted in one fell swoop.  

It’s crazymaking behavior.  We all have a core need to “belong”.  Some of that need is fulfilled by family.  But when one (or more) family members are high conlict, have distorted thinking, and behave in toxic ways, we still seem driven to think that if we just try harder it can get better.  

In my experience the harder I try, the worse it gets.  

Please help me, please give me thoughts ideas suggestions ... from a standpoint of how you got out of your emotional pain over your bpd person.

Are you familiar with rhe resources on this site?  I would suggest reading about radical acceptance.  Your mom is who she is and that’s not going to change.  The only thing you have control over changing is how you respond to her.

Have you read on emotional incest on this site ?  That was one that helped nudge me forward on a new path.  

One of our tasks in recovery is to differentiate our feelings from our mothers. So when they dysregulate, and rage at us, we don’t take on the bad feelings that they try to dump on us.  Its okay to not take those on.  If someone we hardly knew treated us the way our mother’s did, we would hopefully/probably filter them out of our lives as much as possible. Hopefully not believe the toxic words they dump on us, but instead think “boy someone is having a bad day”. When it’s a mother though, its hard to come to terms with the fact that she’s never going to change, and can never be the mother we wish we had.

Have you ever seen a counselor or therapist?  Many of us here do, and the support is extremely helpful.  Getting one with knowledge and experience in bpd is essential.  

Last thought - what do you like to do for self care?  What works best for you?  I had to learn that self care was my responsibility, and not selfish,, the way my morher taught me.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again CryingGame,

I'm so glad that you keep sharing with us the deep feelings/responses that you're having. That's appropriate and good that you are doing so!  Please don't ever feel ashamed of sharing whatever you need to here because we have all dealt with similar (if not the same) emotions.

I know you feel lost and alone, adrift from the connection to your mom. How well I remember early in my T the earthquake like feeling of seeing the foundations that had supported me for so long, no matter how dysfuntional they were, being exposed and seen for what they were. I had no other foundation upon which to stand, to find my identity, to anchor me. I too felt so very lost and in a very dark place where there was no light. Yet within me was a small flame of light, like a candle, burning in my soul that refused to be snuffed out. You also possess that deep resilience that won't go away. It's the light I see going on within you that is screaming, "I have value! I'm important! Don't disregard me!"

Because you've just recently discovered and learned that your mom has BPD, these revelations that you're experiencing may very well be like a Tsunami. The intensity will eventually recede, but holding on and staying safe emotionally is the most important thing for you now. My T has told me over and over these 4 rules that I must remember and follow:

"Get out, Get safe, Stay safe, and You never have to go back."

On an emotional level, by putting these into practice, I had to in my mind realize that I could get out from the mental place of feeling trapped by my uBPDm's manipulative Witch attacks and words, get to a safe place mentally such as going to a place that was my refuge as a child (being outdoors in the barns around animals or riding my bike through the woods), Stay safe in that place (whether it is mentally or physically in the present going there), and recognizing that I am not obligated to return again to be subject to another rage like what I just went through. Over and over again I have had to follow these rules, so many times I don't bother to count. My uBPDm is never ever allowed into these places that I carve out in my heart and soul as safe for me.

Hold on tight. Find something kind to do for yourself today that you would  to do. Then repeat it tomorrow, and the day after, and even after that.

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

I treated myself recently to the book from Pete Walker : From surviving to thriving... And I would highly recommend it, because he has a whole chapter in dealing with emotional flashbacks, which seems to me is what you might be experiencing right now.

He also has a website that might provide you with useful steps by steps method to help you get back to a "calmer" area of your mind : www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

We all get those, and I personally wasn't aware that's what was happening to me. This book also highlighted for me what F type I was, which also came to a big surprise. Depending on your type, different things help...

Anyway you can connect to your anger? And turn it against your mother? I read you, I get it, I see you getting angry and then guilty because your mom wasn't all bad but let's be honest here: your mother, as nice as she can be, abused a young child. A grown woman hurt a small vulnerable child that was just looking for love, and you were this child. Focus on the anger, and use it to say NO. no more abuse! And use it to protect yourself. This is what is recommended for my own type, and so far, it helps. Whenever I start feeling guilty, I try to scream NO! I will protect myself ! I will protect my inner child! And it does come with relief...

Using anger until you can give yourself self compassion.

I honesy really recommend that book if you cannot afford a therapist. It is on Amazon...

My heart goes out to you.

[lm1109]

Hi CryingGame! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain! Sadly I think we all know how you feel on this board, so first know that you are not alone! There is SO much amazing advice in the replys of this post, and I honestly don't have much else to add other than a little more support! I SECOND the recommendation for the book From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker...it was a really helpful one! I recently read a book by Dr. Nicole Lepera called How To Do The Work which was SO helpful for me. She does a podcast called The Selfhealers Soundboard which goes into more detail about each chapter. I reread it to do the chapters each week with the podcast...they are all posted on YouTube if you're interested. Some other really helpful people on YouTube for me are Lisa A. Romano, Complex PTSD Made Simple, and Doctor Ramani. Sorry if I'm bombarding you with self help options, but for me, I really needed to understand my trauma responses in order to heal and FINALLY know and believe in my heart that the failure of our "relationship" was NOT my fault.
When you said:
"Third time is it for me. Not doing this again. So she's dead to me in a tragic way."
I SO understand this. I am NC with my parents again and I also "fell for it" thinking that this last stint of a relationship would FINALLY work! It didn't...and it's not MY fault that it didn't...and it's not yours either. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's true! What has been helping me is being less black and white about the future of our relationship. Instead of telling myself it's over forever, they are dead to me, etc, I am taking it one day at a time and reminding myself that this space is NEEDED for ME to detach and work on myself. For me that means reparenting myself: being the loving Mother I needed and best friend I needed for myself. It's not easy and self compassion is key, a good therapist can help a lot with all of this. Taking it day by day has been most helpful. When I start to feel overwhelmed by the big picture, I remind myself that all I can handle is today and today I'm going to choose to better myself. The feeling of finality that I am feeling is actually healthy! Who knows if we will ever have a relationship again, what matters is that I get healthy enough to NEVER allow myself to be abused and thrown away again, I deserve better! You deserve better too. I hope you can be self compassionate with yourself right now! Just my two cents! Sending you lots of support 

[CryingGame]

Hey CryingGame, I can hear how painful your mothers behaviour is and I get it.

Unfortunately this will never change. In my own experience BPD mums never have insight or change because there will always be many flying monkeys at the ready to tell them they are wonderful, have done nothing wrong and agree that we are the problem. I can relate to the pain of realising you have let yourself believe the fantasy of a happy mum/daughter relationship. That this time it will be okay...if I just...

You can't change your mum but you can work on your response to this. My ex-husband gave me a book called the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook. He bought it on Amazon I believe. At first I thought it was to help understand my mother but it was a subtle way of him telling me that when I get dysregulated by her behaviour (because I can get very emotionally stressed) the book offers skills to help bring down the overwhelming feelings of pain and stress when we are triggered by the BPD person.

I don't know if this helps but I also wanted to reach out and say I get it.  

YES! It does help, thank you so very much. Right. She won't change. So what was your biggest take-away from the book, that you learned to bring down those feelings? Or do I have to get the book? It looks like a lot of info! Yes, have to change my response, my self.

[CryingGame]

Hi Crying game,

It seems you have seen this pattern with your mom before, but you still had hope that she could “be a mom” and you could still have  a relationship with her. Then she split and painted you all black in one fell swoop and all the good times and good things you did for her over the years prior to that got deleted in one fell swoop.  

It’s crazymaking behavior.  We all have a core need to “belong”.  Some of that need is fulfilled by family.  But when one (or more) family members are high conlict, have distorted thinking, and behave in toxic ways, we still seem driven to think that if we just try harder it can get better.  

In my experience the harder I try, the worse it gets.  
 
Are you familiar with rhe resources on this site?  I would suggest reading about radical acceptance.  Your mom is who she is and that’s not going to change.  The only thing you have control over changing is how you respond to her.

Have you read on emotional incest on this site ?  That was one that helped nudge me forward on a new path.  

One of our tasks in recovery is to differentiate our feelings from our mothers. So when they dysregulate, and rage at us, we don’t take on the bad feelings that they try to dump on us.  Its okay to not take those on.  If someone we hardly knew treated us the way our mother’s did, we would hopefully/probably filter them out of our lives as much as possible. Hopefully not believe the toxic words they dump on us, but instead think “boy someone is having a bad day”. When it’s a mother though, its hard to come to terms with the fact that she’s never going to change, and can never be the mother we wish we had.

Have you ever seen a counselor or therapist?  Many of us here do, and the support is extremely helpful.  Getting one with knowledge and experience in bpd is essential.  

Last thought - what do you like to do for self care?  What works best for you?  I had to learn that self care was my responsibility, and not selfish,, the way my morher taught me.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you so very much for your reply. I will look at the resources again, and about radical acceptance and emotional incest. That sounds very helpful and a little scary! For self care I have to stop pushing myself. I only recently realized that I get so much done and feel badly if I"m not doing ... or feel badly about what is still left undone. I need to relax and allow myself down time without pressure of producing. I do have a therapist and the crazy thing is that she's going to leave her practice and get a job and take clients on a bi-weekly evening basis which is feeling like a big loss to me, right now in this stuff want someone weekly and evening isn't the best time for me. It's more the loss of someone familiar and of the weekly support. I think I need to find someone else and look for someone with a big focus and understanding of my specific circumstances.

I have so much in my life I'm grateful for and a good life. I wanted a relationship with her but don't see a way back and actually feels like it's been destroyed forever. I will remember and believe that she does love me even as she sees the devil in me now and doesn't feel that love for me. I love her too. I look forward to getting healthier and I bet it will make me a healthier parent too.

Thank you Metheun.

[CryingGame]

Hi again CryingGame,

I'm so glad that you keep sharing with us the deep feelings/responses that you're having. That's appropriate and good that you are doing so!  Please don't ever feel ashamed of sharing whatever you need to here because we have all dealt with similar (if not the same) emotions.

 The intensity will eventually recede, but holding on and staying safe emotionally is the most important thing for you now. My T has told me over and over these 4 rules that I must remember and follow:

"Get out, Get safe, Stay safe, and You never have to go back."

On an emotional level, by putting these into practice, I had to in my mind realize that I could get out from the mental place of feeling trapped by my uBPDm's manipulative Witch attacks and words, get to a safe place mentally such as going to a place that was my refuge as a child (being outdoors in the barns around animals or riding my bike through the woods), Stay safe in that place (whether it is mentally or physically in the present going there), and recognizing that I am not obligated to return again to be subject to another rage like what I just went through. Over and over again I have had to follow these rules, so many times I don't bother to count. My uBPDm is never ever allowed into these places that I carve out in my heart and soul as safe for me.

Hold on tight. Find something kind to do for yourself today that you would  to do. Then repeat it tomorrow, and the day after, and even after that.

 
Wools

My Dear Wools, thank you so much for writing to me again and especially for telling me I can do this here. I need to be able to express myself somewhere people understand. It is so crazy-making. I mean, in the real world, in the normal world, if a woman says that person attacked me----they are believed. If a mother stops talking to her daughter then maybe people think the daughter was bad and wrong and should be treated this way. But HERE, we can read about the behaviors that are so hurtful and crazy and talk about them.

I would like to hear more about how you use those 4 steps  "Get out, Get safe, Stay safe, and You never have to go back." I'm not sure I ever CAN go back, actually I know I can't, not to the place of closeness. Or just the idea:  I never have to go back. That is so helpful and I want to get out of my thoughts and get safe in my thoughts and stay safe. I will read things as advised and keep at it.

SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE PEOPLE RESPOND TO ME. I've been alone in this for so long. Finally the last time it happened, 16yrs ago, I put the phone on speaker when she was screaming at me and my husband heard. Before that it had only been witnessed by my immediate family in privacy.

[CryingGame]

I treated myself recently to the book from Pete Walker : From surviving to thriving... And I would highly recommend it, because he has a whole chapter in dealing with emotional flashbacks, which seems to me is what you might be experiencing right now.

He also has a website that might provide you with useful steps by steps method to help you get back to a "calmer" area of your mind : www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

We all get those, and I personally wasn't aware that's what was happening to me. This book also highlighted for me what F type I was, which also came to a big surprise. Depending on your type, different things help...

Anyway you can connect to your anger? And turn it against your mother? I read you, I get it, I see you getting angry and then guilty because your mom wasn't all bad but let's be honest here: your mother, as nice as she can be, abused a young child. A grown woman hurt a small vulnerable child that was just looking for love, and you were this child. Focus on the anger, and use it to say NO. no more abuse! And use it to protect yourself. This is what is recommended for my own type, and so far, it helps. Whenever I start feeling guilty, I try to scream NO! I will protect myself ! I will protect my inner child! And it does come with relief...

Using anger until you can give yourself self compassion.

I honesy really recommend that book if you cannot afford a therapist. It is on Amazon...

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much! I will read the website and consider the book. YES the anger can connect me to putting an end to tolerating this treatment or help me to accept it as HER choice. Not mine. I don't deserve the silent treatment, I deserve love and kindness and a conversation to work out conflict. I have a choice about if I'm ever again going to enter a relationship with her in real time. And I have a choice about how I get support to work through this and walk away from it rather then let it keep hurting me.

[CryingGame]

Hi CryingGame! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain! Sadly I think we all know how you feel on this board, so first know that you are not alone! There is SO much amazing advice in the replys of this post, and I honestly don't have much else to add other than a little more support! I SECOND the recommendation for the book From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker...it was a really helpful one! I recently read a book by Dr. Nicole Lepera called How To Do The Work which was SO helpful for me. She does a podcast called The Selfhealers Soundboard which goes into more detail about each chapter. I reread it to do the chapters each week with the podcast...they are all posted on YouTube if you're interested. Some other really helpful people on YouTube for me are Lisa A. Romano, Complex PTSD Made Simple, and Doctor Ramani. Sorry if I'm bombarding you with self help options, but for me, I really needed to understand my trauma responses in order to heal and FINALLY know and believe in my heart that the failure of our "relationship" was NOT my fault.
When you said:
"Third time is it for me. Not doing this again. So she's dead to me in a tragic way."
I SO understand this. I am NC with my parents again and I also "fell for it" thinking that this last stint of a relationship would FINALLY work! It didn't...and it's not MY fault that it didn't...and it's not yours either. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's true! What has been helping me is being less black and white about the future of our relationship. Instead of telling myself it's over forever, they are dead to me, etc, I am taking it one day at a time and reminding myself that this space is NEEDED for ME to detach and work on myself. For me that means reparenting myself: being the loving Mother I needed and best friend I needed for myself. It's not easy and self compassion is key, a good therapist can help a lot with all of this. Taking it day by day has been most helpful. When I start to feel overwhelmed by the big picture, I remind myself that all I can handle is today and today I'm going to choose to better myself. The feeling of finality that I am feeling is actually healthy! Who knows if we will ever have a relationship again, what matters is that I get healthy enough to NEVER allow myself to be abused and thrown away again, I deserve better! You deserve better too. I hope you can be self compassionate with yourself right now! Just my two cents! Sending you lots of support 

YES yes yes. To get healthy enough. I want that too. Thank you for your self help tools I will explore them and really appreciate it a lot! I'm choosing to better myself too, one day at a time, along with you! Thank you for your support.

[Goldcrest]

Hi CryingGame, how are you doing?

In answer to your question about the DBT book, I think the thing I took from it was firstly recognising that the way I respond to being triggered I can have some control over. It has taken me YEARS to learn to focus on what is happening to me in the moment and to work to bring down my emotional response as a act of self care.

There have been some really great replies on here and every one has a valid idea for helping. I try to see it as a toolbox. When I become dysregulated by my mother, I look at my toolkit and start to pull out different tools to help me. For example, Distraction through mindfulness, coming on here to vent and get support, watching a video (I love Dr Ramani on YouTube), Therapy if you can afford it is very good. I know that the first 24 hours after a bad experience with her I am usually really stressed and I also know that will lessen, as long as I avoid contact with her for a period of time. Someone else talked about getting in touch with anger. My T told me that anger is about separateness. IF you can hold your anger for how she abuses you, you can maintain separateness. I find anger a difficult emotion, uncomfortable but it does help me to see my mother as separate and not get sucked back in.

I really like this video by Dr Ramani about rumination too. Rumination is a big one for me, it damages my mood and can make me very stressed but sometimes I feel I can't stop it. Learning to catch yourself doing it and actively working to bring down your arousal is really good. I think each time you do it it gets better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3KyEGJpC-I

Lastly I am still a work in progress and all of this helps but I recognise that I will probably always have some level of distress around my mother. I am simply hoping to be better at putting myself back on my feet and self parenting. It is a process and one of the best things has been coming on here to find people who "get it". I felt so alone for so long and have isolated myself from lots of friends because I would get easily triggered by them and feel they could be quite dismissive of my difficulties...but how could they understand? 

[Riv3rW0lf]

That's the thing Goldcrest right? Nobody seems to get it around us, which makes us feel even more alien... Until we find the group of people, or the one person that is safe enough... For me, I just realized it was my cat, and now my husband too... And absolutely this forum was a godsend.

I just had my first conscious emotional flashback... And boy... the cleanup I need to do... Cryinggame, the 8 steps from Pete Walker took me "out" of it, or at least reduced the symptoms significantly. But I feel like my life so far has been a constant flashback with big waves coming in once in a while. This was a wave, and the 8 steps calmed the sea again. I will print it and hang it on my wall, because I now have to recognize that they will happen again, and again... But someday, I will be better at managing it, as I hope you will.  I feel like I just popped my cherry or something :'D

I think I am considering going no contact as well... Connecting to all the pain my uBPDm caused me... I just have no word, and I certainly do not wish to ever feel pity for her. I am the one that deserve my own pity and compassion, certainly not her. She is a succubus. I needed to say it, she really is... And I am depleted... I deserve self-care.

She called me yesterday... I am not contacting her. It must be about my grandmother, so I will contact my aunt to know more and that's it.

Take care of YOU right now!