I have been in relationships for about the last 20 years. Even though they are all different they all are the same. Starts out great i can do no wrong. In the end it aleays ends up me being the problem. How i don't make them feel loved like in the beginning, how i don't give enough, how i must not love them like they need. I always blamed myself. I would feel terrible, i must be a failure. I only wanted to give my all. I would give all i could including who i was. But who was I fooling. Of course i am not responsible for anyones happiness but my own. At the same time i have come to realize I am not at fault for their sadness as well. It wasn't until my last relationship I learned about BPD. I used to think it was something I must be doing. Why was there always extreme Jealousy, i must be causing it. Why do they always feel in the end that I don't give enough, I must need to give more.I hurt many times over. Now i know I could never be enough. No one could. I dont know, now I am lonely at times. I gave up all my friendships to try to keep partners happy. I am working on myself. I am not angry, i am hurt. I still have feelings, I understand they are hurting more than me. Finding out about trama, how it effects people makes not angry but sad. I know I am depressed and need to get over it. I pray that will come. I could go into details about the relationships but that will do no good. I will get beter with work. I have been single almost a year now. I have been traveling for work, seeing new places and treating myself. But sadness still kicks in sometimes. It is nice to know i am not alone in this.
Could you contact your old friends again? Or make new ones? Being alone a lot definitely adds to sadness.
It's a good and real survival story, you have learned a lot. I have also a long history with troubled women. Recently talked with previous ex from couple years ago, she's the healthiest woman I've known and I know she really likes me. It feels weird to talk to a woman not having to be afraid of being judged or evaluated all the time.
