Have I been a bad sister?

[HopefulNomad]

Hi all, thank you very much for this resourceful website.  I am sorry for the very long message and hope that somebody will give me comments. I have a sister who I believe has mild BPD but was never diagnosed. I am 43 and she is 46, we have been living in different countries for almost 20 years now but we always kept close contact, phoned each other once a week, met once a year etc. She has been very protective and loving throughout my life but this was always accompanied by erratic behaviour and demands. For the last few years our phone conversations has been always about her feelings, her disappointments, how terrible people are etc, a monologue of her chosen (but negative) topic. I never found a chance to talk about how I felt about anything. I found out surprisingly that she didn’t even know the name of the company I work for where I have been working for >10 years. Last year she cut me off for 2-3 months but I continued talking to her when she called me after 3 months as if nothing happened. Recently she had a monologue for about 3 hours telling me how much she has done for my parents and how disappointed she was, that I didn’t even thank her once from my heart  and didn’t share any responsibility. I have been a responsible person throughout my life, didn’t take anything from my parents, always tried to be independent etc., and I was really hurt about all the accusations. But I saw that she was in a lot of pain so I didn’t say much. But the victim/martyr theme continued for another 2 months and she brought up again how hurt she was by me. She is a caring person, but I don’t think I have been such a terrible sister either. I just had enough at that point and said that I have had enough of being accused and I stopped calling her afterwards ( I know that I showed BPD behaviour myself). I just wanted to rest. I was very upset, started to see a counsellor, couldn’t sleep at many nights  etc, but the next 2 months I felt like I was on “holiday” because I wasn’t talking to her. No drama, no accusations. No more listening to how terrible mom is or the world is. No listening to how the whole world betrayed her. She understood that I was upset and tried to be nice but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. Every time she texted I texted her back politely but I didn’t call or initiated the texts. She finally texted me saying that she is still hurt but not angry anymore and can talk to me. So she was doing again a great favour with her typical diva attitude despite "all I have done". I texted back saying that  I was hurt, too and I don’t want to talk for a while but I will send her an email sometime soon. She texted back saying that she just wanted to try for one last time, but this is not sisterhood anyway, so goodbye. I emailed her one week later explaining why I felt hurt, that there was no room for me in this relationship, and I had no value unless I do what she says when she says. I said that I am not taking this anymore, and I am tired of drama but I love her nevertheless. Unfortunately I made the mistake of also telling her that I found her reactions to be not normal, because of this she has no friends (she had cut them all off over the years), cannot get along with anyone and I feel sad that she is suffering with a health condition. She replied telling that I was always cold to her, never appreciated all that she did for me and now I am insulting her by telling her she is sick and advised me to see a therapist myself. I feel really upset and hurt. Have I been really an unloving cold sister?  I accept that I made mistakes, sometimes I really didn’t want to talk to her because I was just tired of the drama. But I never intended badly,  always wanted her to be happy and tried to support her emotionally as much as I can. I am just so sad. Should I have just backed off, knowing that this is the best she can do? But what kind of sisterhood is this if she can just cut me off the moment I don’t obey her orders or explain how I feel? I don’t know who was the unloving one…  I feel a lot of pain and don’t know what to do anymore… To me this whole thing is very absurd… I appreciate any comments...

[zachira]

I have a sister with NPD and a brother with BPD along with several similarly disordered relatives. Reading your post was heartbreaking. You have tried so hard to have a relationship with your sister and it has just led to her becoming more and more abusive, which is pretty typical with disordered people who dump their unbearable feelings onto others and do not take any responsiblity for how badly they behave. Know that the feelings your sister projects onto you belong to your sister.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I watched a video recently and the guy said : if you leave a conversation feeling confused about who you are, about what happened in the relationship, then it is highly possible you've been preyed on by a narcissistic person (and I now have to add by an entitled pwBPD).

As hard as it might feel, I would try to focus on your own feeling RIGHT NOW, and not try to make sens of what happened in the past few weeks... If only because, if you are a victim of abuse yourself, chances are you tend to dissociate when feeling overwhelmed, rendering your own memories of the conversation a bit poor, in the sense where you don't remember them well. And if your sister is indeed a bit entitled, if she tends to only accept reality HER way, then it's easy for her to gaslight you.

And so... Instead of focussing on what happened, try to focus on your current feelings and emotions and try to give yourself only compassion and love. Steer clear of guilt and shame. If you truly feel you were acting from a place of love and self preservation, then you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

[zachira]

The best piece of advice my therapist ever gave me was to focus on what I was feeling inside when in the presence of a disordered person.

[beatricex]

hi HopefulNomad,

I just want to echo what others have said: this is hurtful behavior, not about you, and try to focus on your feelings.

BPD has a wide range of presentations, I recently read an article about how one can be aggressive or passive, and it's all BPD.  The trait I tend to focus on is fear of abandonment.  All their actions stem from that single fear.  To determine if your sister is aggressive or passive, just consider if she typically projects her stuff inward and as a result practices self harm (eating disorders, shoplifting, risky sex, etc are on that list), or do they rage at others (external manifestation).  It sounds like your sister has some BPD traits and she's on the aggressive side, as in giving you guilt trips and such.

How do those guilt trips make you feel?  Angry?  Confused?  Sad? 

I had to get clear myself, if I wanted all those feelings in my life.  I made a decision to distance myself from my BPD mom, as a result.  This isn't BPD-like, it's a conscious decision we make as a result of being the recipient of abusive behavior.  Did I abandon my Mom?  Yes.  Did I want to?  no  I don't know about you, but I deliberated on it for many many years, finally did so only with the help of a therapist, and waffled quite a bit and even resumed contact then went no contact again.

Think about if instead of making just a final decision, your reponse could be fluid, and trial like.  Maybe you don't need to make a big decision "I am going to finally CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE" as opposed to what you said "hey sis...I may email you later...we'll see.  maybe.  depends how I feel."

It's OK, you're a human being with wants and needs of your own and it's OK to have them.  I like to say to myself "relationships are a two way street. So.  If I'm the only one obeying the traffic signals, maybe I need to find another street to drive down."
 
b

[HopefulNomad]

I have a sister with NPD and a brother with BPD along with several similarly disordered relatives. Reading your post was heartbreaking. You have tried so hard to have a relationship with your sister and it has just led to her becoming more and more abusive, which is pretty typical with disordered people who dump their unbearable feelings onto others and do not take any responsiblity for how badly they behave. Know that the feelings your sister projects onto you belong to your sister.

Thank you so much for your support zachira. I will try to remind myself all  feelings and accusations  of hers are just projections...

[HopefulNomad]

I watched a video recently and the guy said : if you leave a conversation feeling confused about who you are, about what happened in the relationship, then it is highly possible you've been preyed on by a narcissistic person (and I now have to add by an entitled pwBPD).

As hard as it might feel, I would try to focus on your own feeling RIGHT NOW, and not try to make sens of what happened in the past few weeks... If only because, if you are a victim of abuse yourself, chances are you tend to dissociate when feeling overwhelmed, rendering your own memories of the conversation a bit poor, in the sense where you don't remember them well. And if your sister is indeed a bit entitled, if she tends to only accept reality HER way, then it's easy for her to gaslight you.

And so... Instead of focussing on what happened, try to focus on your current feelings and emotions and try to give yourself only compassion and love. Steer clear of guilt and shame. If you truly feel you were acting from a place of love and self preservation, then you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Thank you very much Riv3rW0lf. I have to admit that in addition to love and self-preservation, there was a lot of disappointment and anger, too. Disappointment of the realisation that I actually never had the sister I thought I had... Thinking back, most my adult memories with her is her making a scene, sucking the joy out of everyone or me being anxious about when this would happen and what I should do so that this wouldn't happen...

[HopefulNomad]

hi HopefulNomad,

I just want to echo what others have said: this is hurtful behavior, not about you, and try to focus on your feelings.

BPD has a wide range of presentations, I recently read an article about how one can be aggressive or passive, and it's all BPD.  The trait I tend to focus on is fear of abandonment.  All their actions stem from that single fear.  To determine if your sister is aggressive or passive, just consider if she typically projects her stuff inward and as a result practices self harm (eating disorders, shoplifting, risky sex, etc are on that list), or do they rage at others (external manifestation).  It sounds like your sister has some BPD traits and she's on the aggressive side, as in giving you guilt trips and such.

How do those guilt trips make you feel?  Angry?  Confused?  Sad? 

I had to get clear myself, if I wanted all those feelings in my life.  I made a decision to distance myself from my BPD mom, as a result.  This isn't BPD-like, it's a conscious decision we make as a result of being the recipient of abusive behavior.  Did I abandon my Mom?  Yes.  Did I want to?  no  I don't know about you, but I deliberated on it for many many years, finally did so only with the help of a therapist, and waffled quite a bit and even resumed contact then went no contact again.

Think about if instead of making just a final decision, your reponse could be fluid, and trial like.  Maybe you don't need to make a big decision "I am going to finally CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE" as opposed to what you said "hey sis...I may email you later...we'll see.  maybe.  depends how I feel."

It's OK, you're a human being with wants and needs of your own and it's OK to have them.  I like to say to myself "relationships are a two way street. So.  If I'm the only one obeying the traffic signals, maybe I need to find another street to drive down."
 
b

yes, those guilt trips make me feel guilty, confused and sad. "relationships are a two way street"-so true. I decided to accept the situation as is: this is who she is, and therefore unless she takes some responsibility for her behaviour, our relationship will not be any better. Sad, but I did my best, my focus will be on my mental health not hers from now own. Thank you a lot for your support beatricex. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you very much Riv3rW0lf. I have to admit that in addition to love and self-preservation, there was a lot of disappointment and anger, too. Disappointment of the realisation that I actually never had the sister I thought I had... Thinking back, most my adult memories with her is her making a scene, sucking the joy out of everyone or me being anxious about when this would happen and what I should do so that this wouldn't happen...

Well the good news is: both resentment and anger are healthy emotions to feel and completely understandable in your current situation.

Do not guilt yourself for feeling them, they are merely there to tell you your boundaries were crossed and you feel hurt. It's normal, and healthy to recognize that. (This is actually a new skill for me... Recognizing and validating my own emotions. It's hard to remember when we are actively being eroded by pwBPD, or NPD!)

Distance helps... Physical, emotional... I don't think it is letting them go, but merely choosing ourselves.

[HopefulNomad]

Thank you very much Riv3rW0lf! Yes, recognizating and valuing my own feelings! This has been such a foreign concept, but I will be working on it, too... "Distance helps... Physical, emotional... I don't think it is letting them go, but merely choosing ourselves"- great wisdom, so true.  I am choosing my own mental health and sanity.