Reaching out to my now ex's former partner

[Good Intentions]

Hello everyone - I've posted on several different topics on this site if you want a little bit of my background/experience with a partner with BPD, but my 27 y/o GF with diagnosed BPD recently broke up with me a couple weeks ago (felt like a discard) and I'm continuing to process the emotional fallout. I feel better today than I have in a while because I've been able to redirect my attention inwards and really focus on myself (rather than my partner's BPD) which I know I should've been doing all along. I'm trying to recognize & unwind some of the obvious codependency & idolizing of her that I was very much guilty of, but in doing so I'm also seeking validation / relying on this community as a resource to help me.

I know that my now ex-GF has had a couple other serious long-term relationships in the past that ended in dramatic fashion, and her college boyfriend was ultimately arrested on a domestic violence charge. The story that I've heard is that he pulled her out of a parked car by her hair, and that an innocent bystander with a cell phone recorded the incident / notified the police.
For the longest time, that story just made me so angry to hear/reflect on - because I love this woman to death and couldn't even imagine someone doing something so horrible.

I've caught myself a couple times with an urge to reach out to him now that my relationship with our mutual partner is over.
I know that she reached out to him 6-12 months ago for some sort of "closure" conversation, although at that time I don't believe she was even aware of what BPD was. Not only do I feel like it would be very validating for him to hear "hey, that ex with which you had a really traumatic relationship was diagnosed with a complex mental illness, and all those times that she made you feel crazy, it wasn't you" but I'm pretty confident that I could answer some of the lingering questions that he undoubtedly has.

And as I contemplated trying to have this hypothetical conversation with my pwBPD's prior partner, another thought came into my head - I wonder if I know the full truth of the event that led to his arrest. How do I really know if I got the whole truth?

Obviously I'm not trying to re-open a wound for this guy - if anything I'm trying to offer my knowledge to aid his continued healing - but I need to know if I'm barking up the wrong tree here...I don't really see it as controlling in any way, it's not some ploy to get her attention - I truly don't want her to know about this conversation.

Up until last night, I have never questioned the possibility that his story of what happened the night he got arrested might be different than what I have always heard from my ex. She has simply told me - we were arguing, and he pulled me out of a car, and then he got arrested.

But what if the full truth was that she was punching the s*** out of him in the car, and he was desperate to get away from the situation, and she refused to leave but continued to escalate with shouting & anger, and so in a total snap/lapse of judgement and in his worst possible moment, he made a terrible mistake that will haunt him for life...but how heavily was his behavior impacted by hers?

Is it wrong for me to want to know the answer more fully than I do now?
Is it selfishly motivated in some way for me to want to let a fellow traumatized man that what he went through was completely unfair & insane, and to not judge himself harshly if he still does?

Thanks for listening and please advise    

[SinisterComplex]

I would advise you to only focus on you and worry about you. Period. That is a hornet's nest you don't want to poke with the proverbial stick.

You have to let other people learn on their own.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Good Intentions]

I would advise you to only focus on you and worry about you. Period. That is a hornet's nest you don't want to poke with the proverbial stick.

You have to let other people learn on their own.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey SC - I appreciate you commenting on my posts / this isn't the first time and you've been helpful before so I'm very inclined to take your advice to heart. I'm not trying to be difficult, I think this is just an area that's tough for me...Can you help me understand why my contacting her previous partner would be "poking the hornet's nest"?

If I try to put myself in his shoes, I would think that hearing from a more current partner with a relatable experience would be very validating and might ease any lingering pain that he has associated with the relationship. And conversely for me, I think I would potentially benefit from hearing him say "wow, that explains a lot" and maybe commiserating a bit with each other on recurring challenges we faced with the same woman.

I'm not denying the existence of a downside scenario, but I need help identifying what that is / why it's detrimental. 

[Biggus]

But what if the full truth was that she was punching the s*** out of him in the car, and he was desperate to get away from the situation, and she refused to leave but continued to escalate with shouting & anger, and so in a total snap/lapse of judgement and in his worst possible moment, he made a terrible mistake that will haunt him for life...but how heavily was his behavior impacted by hers?

You're painting a really nice picture of the guy, but do you actually know him? What if the truth is that he's nuts too, but in a violent way? What if his capability to feel guilt or compassion is non existant or seriously underdeveloped?

Do you expect to hear an honest account from a guy who was violent to his girlfriend? His version could as well be 100% lies to defend his behaviour, and you wouldn't really never know the difference.

He made a choice. It was still his choice to pull her out of a parked car by her hair, and he should deal with it himself. You can't whitewash that for him.

Is it selfishly motivated in some way for me to want to let a fellow traumatized man that what he went through was completely unfair & insane, and to not judge himself harshly if he still does?

Maybe you just want to hear his story to have some sort of confirmation to your story?

Likely it won't be a nice bonding moment between couple of old exes sharing similar war stories.

When I quit smoking, my more or less subconscious mind tried it's best to have me smoking again. I had one train of thought working 24/7 trying to make me go to a shop and buy a pack of cigarettes. The same happened when my ex left me.

You're addicted in a way. Your break up just happened, and your mind desperately tries to find all kinds of ways to understand what happened and what makes her tick. This is one of them. Just continue to work on yourself and try to keep your focus on other things.

[Good Intentions]

@Biggus

I'm basing my perception of her prior partner off of her own description of him as a nice guy that morphed over time in their relationship...I feel like in one moment of deep sadness my ex-pwBPD acknowledged how she likely drained his spirit. But you're right that he was in all likelihood far from perfect - a selfish college kid with a temper.

I guess I do halfway expect to get a truthful account from him because I don't see his motivation to lie...after all, I'm only calling him because I'm no longer in a relationship with our mutual partner. And I'm certainly not trying to whitewashing something as heinous as domestic violence against someone that I loved deeply...I'm just trying to bring awareness to the fact that I've only heard 1 account of a story that could easily be prone to revisionist history by a pwBPD.

You're probably right that it won't be this nice bonding moment - if anything, it would probably be pretty forced & awkward, and I completely see what you're saying when you suggest that my mind is addicted to trying to seek understanding. But it does seem like the consensus advice is that doing so is wasted effort, and my time is much better spent looking internally.

[jaded7]

Hello everyone - I've posted on several different topics on this site if you want a little bit of my background/experience with a partner with BPD, but my 27 y/o GF with diagnosed BPD recently broke up with me a couple weeks ago (felt like a discard) and I'm continuing to process the emotional fallout. I feel better today than I have in a while because I've been able to redirect my attention inwards and really focus on myself (rather than my partner's BPD) which I know I should've been doing all along. I'm trying to recognize & unwind some of the obvious codependency & idolizing of her that I was very much guilty of, but in doing so I'm also seeking validation / relying on this community as a resource to help me.

I know that my now ex-GF has had a couple other serious long-term relationships in the past that ended in dramatic fashion, and her college boyfriend was ultimately arrested on a domestic violence charge. The story that I've heard is that he pulled her out of a parked car by her hair, and that an innocent bystander with a cell phone recorded the incident / notified the police.
For the longest time, that story just made me so angry to hear/reflect on - because I love this woman to death and couldn't even imagine someone doing something so horrible.

I've caught myself a couple times with an urge to reach out to him now that my relationship with our mutual partner is over.
I know that she reached out to him 6-12 months ago for some sort of "closure" conversation, although at that time I don't believe she was even aware of what BPD was. Not only do I feel like it would be very validating for him to hear "hey, that ex with which you had a really traumatic relationship was diagnosed with a complex mental illness, and all those times that she made you feel crazy, it wasn't you" but I'm pretty confident that I could answer some of the lingering questions that he undoubtedly has.

And as I contemplated trying to have this hypothetical conversation with my pwBPD's prior partner, another thought came into my head - I wonder if I know the full truth of the event that led to his arrest. How do I really know if I got the whole truth?

Obviously I'm not trying to re-open a wound for this guy - if anything I'm trying to offer my knowledge to aid his continued healing - but I need to know if I'm barking up the wrong tree here...I don't really see it as controlling in any way, it's not some ploy to get her attention - I truly don't want her to know about this conversation.

Up until last night, I have never questioned the possibility that his story of what happened the night he got arrested might be different than what I have always heard from my ex. She has simply told me - we were arguing, and he pulled me out of a car, and then he got arrested.

But what if the full truth was that she was punching the s*** out of him in the car, and he was desperate to get away from the situation, and she refused to leave but continued to escalate with shouting & anger, and so in a total snap/lapse of judgement and in his worst possible moment, he made a terrible mistake that will haunt him for life...but how heavily was his behavior impacted by hers?

Is it wrong for me to want to know the answer more fully than I do now?
Is it selfishly motivated in some way for me to want to let a fellow traumatized man that what he went through was completely unfair & insane, and to not judge himself harshly if he still does?

Thanks for listening and please advise  

I'm wondering why you want to do this for him? Maybe you want some validation from him?

I'm not being critical. I have the same feelings regarding my ex, her family, her friends. If I could ONLY get some reinforcement from them that I'm not a bad person, that she has done this stuff before, it's been a thing all her life. That kind of stuff.

A friend of mine is in a horribly abusive relationship with a very unwell woman. And her family and friends have all contacted him saying he's not at fault here, she's been this way forever. You are good person, good husband, good father. He's 100 percent certain

I would absolutely kill for this, somehow that validation from them would make me feel so better.

Like you, mine told me that her ex-husband was very abusive, physically and verbally. I've see many, many emails from him to her (she constantly sent them to me to read and reinforce her narrative he was an ass**le). And to be honest, he doesn't seem like one. In the thousands of words I've read from him to her, I've never sensed abusiveness- no abusive words, no out of control anger, no name calling. Always measured, sometimes understandingly frustrated with her and the way she used their son, but never abusive or even mean.

[Good Intentions]

I spoke to my therapist about this today, and I'm going to continue to maintain that I'm not looking for validation from him...at this point in my journey, I feel as if I've received an abundance of validation & empathy from my support system as well as this online community. And I think I have the most clarity about my relationship with my now ex-pwBPD than I ever have.

I think part of my intention is to offer him validation. For me, becoming not only aware of, but knowledgeable about BPD really helped me achieve that clarity, and I guess my thinking is "this other person who was affected by this issue would appreciate the explanation for why his relationship with the same person was also difficult". But as my therapist correctly pointed out, that's the way I think this person will process the information I'm contemplating sharing. And in reality, it might be that, but it could also be indifference. It could be anger. It could be something else altogether.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey SC - I appreciate you commenting on my posts / this isn't the first time and you've been helpful before so I'm very inclined to take your advice to heart. I'm not trying to be difficult, I think this is just an area that's tough for me...Can you help me understand why my contacting her previous partner would be "poking the hornet's nest"?

If I try to put myself in his shoes, I would think that hearing from a more current partner with a relatable experience would be very validating and might ease any lingering pain that he has associated with the relationship. And conversely for me, I think I would potentially benefit from hearing him say "wow, that explains a lot" and maybe commiserating a bit with each other on recurring challenges we faced with the same woman.

I'm not denying the existence of a downside scenario, but I need help identifying what that is / why it's detrimental. 

So while your intentions are admirable you have to keep in mind that the reality of the situation is that most men are not exactly going to want to trade war stories about sharing a woman. I had a guy who thought it was a wise decision to reach out to me and he was the one who my ex wife was cheating with. I'll give the guy credit for having a set of grapefruits on him, but that is it. We never spoke and that was me being smart and was for his and my protection. LOL.

Now, to put the spin on it from another angle. You are being too innocent and assuming too much and thinking of the best outcome. In essence, looking through a rosy colored lens. Even if there was a .0000000001% chance that everything would turn out like you think it would or could the wise decision is to leave well enough alone.

This is actually a scenario where thinking more pessimistically makes more sense.

Focus on YOU and YOU alone. She deserves no more of your thoughts or energy. The other guy is an adult as well and he can put his big boy pants on and put the pieces together if he so chooses. Point being...you have no dog in the fight there. It is not your responsibility. You only have a responsibility to yourself.

However, whatever you choose to do is up to you obviously. But before you make any decisions on anything I ask you to always think critically. If you are the other guy...do you want to hear from you? What if the tables were turned around. Think like that and be honest with yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[once removed]

you know what the road to hell is paved with?

 

im teasing.

there was a time, around a decade ago, that i thought "i know in a year or two ill hear from my replacement". that never happened. full disclosure, i did reach out to some mutual friends, that were less mutual friends, and primarily her friends. both of them were pretty eager to have an initial conversation. they never responded to me after that.

for the record? i have, on a few unrelated occasions, spoken with exes of another ex. that was never to either of our benefit.

I wonder if I know the full truth of the event that led to his arrest. How do I really know if I got the whole truth?
...
I think part of my intention is to offer him validation.

it may not seem like it, but reaching out to help someone in order to know the truth, as it pertains to your relationship, is to your benefit, and to your own validation.

this/that question (the truth or not of your exs past relationships) is your own struggle. how he feels about it today or yesterday at the time is his.

the two of you could speak tomorrow and determine it was all lies. im not sure, frankly, how that would help either of you move on. it seems like theres a far greater potential that it would just bond the two of you over the wounds youre trying to detach from.

what do you think?

[Good Intentions]

thank you @SC and @once removed for your replies...I truly am grateful for your perspective & agree with a lot of what you each had to say.

"You are being too innocent and assuming too much and thinking of the best outcome" - this is true & it's something I talked through with my therapist yesterday. How I want things to be received/interpreted/reciprocated has no bearing on what would actually happen...

also @once removed - I had never heard the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"...I may be slightly regretting my username choice but I do think you're right that in some way, it's likely selfishly motivated/seeking validation in some way to try to visualize the best outcome of such an interaction. And it seems like the overwhelming evidence of individuals' personal experience is that such conversation between ex's is weird & unhelpful.

As hard as it is to stay focused on myself, and not seek answers to unanswerable questions, I'm doing my best in trying to do so.

I think in my relationship, I was either addicted to, or too insecure to leave, the repeated loop of -
pwBPD misjudges me/begins to mistreat me because she sees me as a piece of s*** >>  I take it personally that she's inappropriately "defining" who I am >>  I attempt to convince her to see me for who I really am / my true intentions.

But I know that while it may be possible to understand how my partner thinks, I can't change it. I can't change how she sees me...even in those moments of "winning her back" / proving that I am the loving person that I already know I am, I'm starting to see how that not only didn't change how she sees me, but it greatly damages my sense of self.

So all of that to say, I'm doing my best to focus on myself and try to see how I've been lacking self-love, and how I was willing to base my self-esteem on how this other person thinks or feels about me, and how that is entirely within my control to change so that I can become the healthiest version of myself independent of validation from anyone else.

[jaded7]

thank you @SC and @once removed for your replies...I truly am grateful for your perspective & agree with a lot of what you each had to say.


I think in my relationship, I was either addicted to, or too insecure to leave, the repeated loop of -
pwBPD misjudges me/begins to mistreat me because she sees me as a piece of s*** >>  I take it personally that she's inappropriately "defining" who I am >>  I attempt to convince her to see me for who I really am / my true intentions.

But I know that while it may be possible to understand how my partner thinks, I can't change it. I can't change how she sees me...even in those moments of "winning her back" / proving that I am the loving person that I already know I am, I'm starting to see how that not only didn't change how she sees me, but it greatly damages my sense of self.

So all of that to say, I'm doing my best to focus on myself and try to see how I've been lacking self-love, and how I was willing to base my self-esteem on how this other person thinks or feels about me, and how that is entirely within my control to change so that I can become the healthiest version of myself independent of validation from anyone else.

THIS. All of it. I (we all?) spent a lot of time trying to figure out how they think, where the 'stories' in their head about us come from, dealing with their reactions to the very stories they make up about us, then defending and explaining ourselves. This is my relationship to a T. I even told her, early on, "you seem to have a lot of stories about me that just aren't true".

As my therapist has said- "she doesn't see you". My therapist has told me time and time again these exact words. My ex sees something else, not me. I'm a loving, kind, caring person. I was absolutely devoted to her, eager to do anything for her, highly educated and professional with a huge network of friends and clients. She didn't...maybe couldn't is a better word...see any of that.

Loving ourselves, again, is entirely in our control, once we let go of their voices in our heads. I/we let that voice in, I let her define me to myself, in direct contrast to how I and others saw me. That was the inner child, the inner attachment wound.

In our last conversation ever, I remember thinking. I have zero control over how she sees me, I've tried so hard to show her love and my real self, but she insists on making me out to be something I'm not. That was an important moment.

Couple that realization with the absolutely textbook verbal abuse, gaslighting, name calling, belittling, explosive anger (again, at stories she's made up), ghosting, etc. and I finally just ...gave up trying.

I haven't given up the hope that she will see her mistake, apologize and or at least give me closure that I'm not those things and didn't deserve it, but that is my problem of still not fully loving and knowing myself.