uBPD wife having episodes and we need to make a major family decision quickly

[olafinski]

Hi,
my uBDP wife (I am 50, she is 48, married for 15 years, 11 yo son) are in the process of strongly considering moving to another country, everyone of us having our own reasons for and against.

We are talking about this for some time now but because of some events it became a real thing lately and we are investigating our options and trying to make a decision that we won't regret.

This is the last year where our son can still go and fit in (at least we were told so by many) and also he is still just on the edge of adolescence, so he is still "soft" and mostly conforms to our authority in all important issues. We have been through rough puberty times with her older son that is now 22 and would not go with us, so if we don't go now we probably never will, at least not all together. And our not-so-little-anymore one really wants to go, he is a "world-hungry" kid and we would like to honour his enthusiasm in that respect.

So... as perhaps all of you here reading this know, our dear uBPD partners are sometimes "not themselves". OK, I am at the point where I am, well, not "ok with that", but I realise that such behaviour passes away like a windstorm and it is only vital that you hold on to some founding point in your insides... for me that is our son and what she did for me when we met, when I was diagnosed with diabetes T1 at the age of 35. She was with me totally those first years and I will be forever grateful.

But... we have an important decision to make, and we need to make it quickly. To do that, we need to communicate. To communicate, she needs to be stable and lately she is not. I see that this whole situation is making her jumpy and nervous so her BPD manifests much more often, though most of the times it is just short, not too hard bursts that fade away in minutes.

But the tactics of avoiding conflict with her can not work right now because we have some 2-3 weeks to make the final call and start preparing everything so that we can be ready to move in the summer.

Does any of you kind people have any advice? Have you been in a situation where you need to make a really important unavoidable decision with your uBPD partner, and he/she is "in bad phase"? Prone to episodes?

I am well aware that the pressure of decision is what's causing this. But what can I, and what should I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Difficult to give advice about a major life decision, but one thing you could do is to validate that she likely feels anxiety about deciding which path to take.

If time is of the essence and you have to make a decision quickly, perhaps you can ask her what positives she sees in moving and what negatives and put that on a chart somewhere where she can see it daily and add to the list whenever she has new ideas come up.

I think it’s helpful to have a tangible representation of a major life choice, as with pwBPD, they can be all positive one moment, then all negative another minute.

[olafinski]

Difficult to give advice about a major life decision, but one thing you could do is to validate that she likely feels anxiety about deciding which path to take.

The thing is that I am not sure whether to just go "push through" this by deciding myself for us (as if she was my child or similar), as I can not get her to "amen" anything for more than a day. One day she is all for moving, and another day (or even the same) she is not only against moving, she is against doing ANYTHING with me and claims that she has no partner in me, that I never talk about anything serious with her (off course not true, we talk WAY too much, hours per day), and similar BPD type arguments.
The worm inside my head keeps me afraid that whatever tension we have here, will be x10 if we really move and come to a place where we are strangers, she doesn't know the language, has quite her steady secure job (which she hates), has no where to run to (she never runs, but needs to always have "an exit" because of her BPD)... I am afraid she might break.
So basically I was wondering if anyone has any experiences with uBPD (unaware of their condition) in times of great life changes? Does the change that they wish for so much make them feel better or worse?
When she has an episode she is all about moving and changing everything. When she is "normal", she is 50:50 and sees a lot of bad aspects of this, mostly fears about things turning out worse for us as a family.

[Cat Familiar]

Many people with BPD believe that external change will cure whatever internal problems they have. Seldom works that way, even with emotionally healthy individuals.

[formflier]

Do you want to move?  If it was completely left up to you..what would you do?


What reasons does your pwBPD give for wanting to move?  What reasons for staying?

Big picture:  Generally if you need to communicate in order to make a decision and one person can't communicate...doesn't that just make the need for a decision moot?  Just let life continue.

If your wife decides to not communicate in a timely manner, that's a decision she has made.  Please accept that reality.


I'm really curious about your answers to my questions.  I'm still comfortable joining with Cat Familiar in warning you about "magical thinking" and "if only X...then all my problems would Y" type of thinking.

It rarely ever works out, especially for a pwBPD.

Best,

Allen