When your pwBPD acts out what do you do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have been following the advice you all are giving (Thanks) and have decided to just limit my reaching out to my spouse. I'm not sure if it is helping her, but geesh it has helped me not be so anxious and deep in despair. I also credit the suggestion of reading Dr. Tara's Radical Acceptance book... I'm just in a better head space, not completely there but also not drowning. I have not initiated any contact I get a nice message on Sunday, wanting to check on me and see how things were going, how excited my spouse is that things are working out at my new job, and generally a pleasant message. I explained to my spouse that I would be busy for the 1st part of the week and that we could converse on Thursday. Well, I did not contact her on Valentine's Day... I thought best to just work overtime and keep my head clear. This morning I wake up to a message: "I just realized aren't you coming Thursday?" I didn't respond with any swiftness, mainly because I muted her so I'm not jumpy with my notification alerts. 7 hrs later... I get a message that reads: "Can I get an update please? I am filing this week and there is an option to NOT have constable serve the paperwork. I just need to send you a copy of the petition. I can email or leave you the waiver form here. That is if you prefer to NOT have official person like that serve papers." The last time she told me she was "filing" was January 18th, because I called her out on some of her behavior and then went no contact for about 10 days (That was my darkest time, passive si). This time she's letting me know that she's done her homework and she intends to file, seriously this time.

When I read the text today, I initially got very upset, hands started shaking, rapid breathing, sweating... It lasted all of 2 MINUTES! I did some RA mantras and calmed my breathing. I realized this isn't the end for me. I want to tell my spouse so bad that she no longer has control over me, I want to thank her for releasing me, but I don't think any of that will go over well.

My question is... When your pwBPD acts out what do you do? Do you call their attention to their behavior, walk away and say nothing, or something in between?

[DogMom2019]

So I have been following the advice you all are giving (Thanks) and have decided to just limit my reaching out to my spouse. I'm not sure if it is helping her, but geesh it has helped me not be so anxious and deep in despair. I also credit the suggestion of reading Dr. Tara's Radical Acceptance book... I'm just in a better head space, not completely there but also not drowning. I have not initiated any contact I get a nice message on Sunday, wanting to check on me and see how things were going, how excited my spouse is that things are working out at my new job, and generally a pleasant message. I explained to my spouse that I would be busy for the 1st part of the week and that we could converse on Thursday. Well, I did not contact her on Valentine's Day... I thought best to just work overtime and keep my head clear. This morning I wake up to a message: "I just realized aren't you coming Thursday?" I didn't respond with any swiftness, mainly because I muted her so I'm not jumpy with my notification alerts. 7 hrs later... I get a message that reads: "Can I get an update please? I am filing this week and there is an option to NOT have constable serve the paperwork. I just need to send you a copy of the petition. I can email or leave you the waiver form here. That is if you prefer to NOT have official person like that serve papers." The last time she told me she was "filing" was January 18th, because I called her out on some of her behavior and then went no contact for about 10 days (That was my darkest time, passive si). This time she's letting me know that she's done her homework and she intends to file, seriously this time.

When I read the text today, I initially got very upset, hands started shaking, rapid breathing, sweating... It lasted all of 2 MINUTES! I did some RA mantras and calmed my breathing. I realized this isn't the end for me. I want to tell my spouse so bad that she no longer has control over me, I want to thank her for releasing me, but I don't think any of that will go over well.

My question is... When your pwBPD acts out what do you do? Do you call their attention to their behavior, walk away and say nothing, or something in between?

[BigOof]

When your pwBPD acts out what do you do? Do you call their attention to their behavior, walk away and say nothing, or something in between?

Leave the camera running.

[zaqsert]

My question is... When your pwBPD acts out what do you do? Do you call their attention to their behavior, walk away and say nothing, or something in between?

I think it depends on your situation, what you want, and what's important to you. For example...

• It seems she's filing for divorce, so I assume you're going through with divorce?
• You live in different places
• Do you hope she'll improve her behavior and believe she can, or is it more important to preserve your sanity and get through this?
• Is there anything that would require you to remain in contact with her long term?

It's great that you're practicing enforcing your own boundaries (what you will do and not do, not what she will / will not do)! By all means, enforce your own boundaries.

It seems there's little to no benefit to you or calling her attention to her behavior. It's more likely to backfire.

If her behavior includes, say, documented statements about you that are false and could come back to bite you, it may be worth correcting those. Keep it BIFF (brief, informative, firm, and friendly). When my uBPDw dysregulates and texts me lies about something I supposedly did, I reply with the correct fact. I do this to set the record straight, in case the text were ever to be used in court. It doesn't help her dysregulation, but I think it protects me.

Aside from that, I would do my best to ignore.

And do document anything that you may need later.

[DogMom2019]

I think it depends on your situation, what you want, and what's important to you. For example...

• It seems she's filing for divorce, so I assume you're going through with divorce?
• You live in different places
• Do you hope she'll improve her behavior and believe she can, or is it more important to preserve your sanity and get through this?
• Is there anything that would require you to remain in contact with her long term?

-She sent me a message that she is filing this week so I assume she is. I have been adamant from the beginning that I don't want a divorce.

-We do live in separate places, but that was due to military separating us. I can't go back right now because of my job but the plan was to always reunite when this tour was over.

-That's an EXCELLENT question... I see that there are spaces in her responses that show she has changed, for the better but consistently I am not sure. She is adamant on divorcing me and I am not sure what else I can do to change her mind. She has a calm sense about the entire thing, while I am losing it wondering what I can do it keep us today. And to be honest, when I read your message, it was the first time that I asked myself, if I really still love her and if I have what it takes to truly be with her anymore.
 
-Once the divorce is final we will never have to speak again. Our life will in essence be wiped away.

[ForeverDad]

I have been adamant from the beginning that I don't want a divorce.

All it takes is for one spouse to want a divorce and the divorce will happen.  The courts, lawyers and supporting professionals are there to ensure it does get done with some basic rules in place.  Sorry, court doesn't try to fix people.

Sure, you could beg her to cancel it, but then who would be making the terms and who would be appeasing?

With each assignment, another relationship was picked up and moved until they eventually split (according to my spouse they were all evil and did nothing but hurt her).

Do you see the pattern?  Now it's your turn to be cast as yet another evil, hurtful ex when she describes her history to the next partner.  You can't fix her.

[EZEarache]

My question is... When your pwBPD acts out what do you do? Do you call their attention to their behavior, walk away and say nothing, or something in between?

It depends on the situation. Recently my therapist took me through an exercise where we studied my co-parent with BPD's written communication. It was a really important email message because she was accusing me of being an unfit father. I was trying to get a 50/50 split, at the time. With my therapists help I ended up being successful in doing so. At least for the time being. She started threatening me with custody battles again last week. The dysregulation was so crazy that it took us two sessions to get through all of the messages. My therapist and I went through the email messages line by line, and analyzed whether her statements were relevant to the situation at hand or not. If they were relevant, then I responded to the statement/question with an appropriate non-emotional answer. If not, then I ignored the statement. I more or less did the same thing in another dysregulation last week. With practice it's easier to do.

However, when you are getting the kitchen sink thrown at you, your instinct is to toss something else back. Calling attention to their behavior is generally a bad idea. That leads to arguing. One of the best pieces of advice I picked up on this board is to not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Undertaking any of those will just result in so much blame shifting and gas lighting that your head starts to spin.

It seems like you don't have children. Hopefully that will make the divorce less convoluted and emotional. I'm also in a co-parent support group. These neurotypicals have been put through the wringer by their disordered spouse.

[DogMom2019]

[...]
However, when you are getting the kitchen sink thrown at you, your instinct is to toss something else back. Calling attention to their behavior is generally a bad idea. That leads to arguing. One of the best pieces of advice I picked up on this board is to not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Undertaking any of those will just result in so much blame shifting and gas lighting that your head starts to spin.

It seems like you don't have children. Hopefully that will make the divorce less convoluted and emotional. I'm also in a co-parent support group. These neurotypicals have been put through the wringer by their disordered spouse.

Thanks for taking the time to reply! You are correct in your assessment, we do not have any children together. That was a point of contention for us, most of our marriage. She wanted to have kids right away, and I kept putting it off because I felt things were moving too fast (really it was because I felt drained from taking care of her). Now, she resents me for that and has added that to the reason why "our marriage made" her feel worthless and lonely all the time.

[ForeverDad]

... we do not have any children together. That was a point of contention for us, most of our marriage. She wanted to have kids right away, and I kept putting it off because I felt things were moving too fast (really it was because I felt drained from taking care of her).

You were smart to delay having children.  Having children is not a solution to big issues.  To the contrary, having children is one way for a disordered person to lock you into an "obligated" relationship (whether common law, married or divorced) for a very long, long time.

Remember the FOG often mentioned here? ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

I had already been married for nearly a decade and then got the not-so-brilliant idea she might be less unhappy once we had a child.  Clueless me!  Once I became a father, our relationship started going downhill... we separated when he was a preschooler and divorced.  It was a rough 15 years but eventually our son aged out of the system and is an adult now.