Can anyone tell me the difference?

[judee]

What I find hard to figure out in retrospect is:

With my  ex/conflicted about  proceeding/wBPD it used to go like this:
He will get angry about something I had no clue what I did wrong>I would try to find out, get very nervous> that will give him more anger> he would retreat in silence, refusing to talk to me.
Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days.
Caused me a lot of anxiety and I felt abused.
When I told him that, he said he had to do it at that point because he felt he got too angry and he was trying to prevent escalation.
I still felt he was doing it ' to teach me a lesson'.


What is the difference between a silent treatment and 'cool down' space?  

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[Ellala]

Hi judee,

This is a good question and one that I have explored as well.

When you say "refusing to talk" - that sounds more like a silent treatment or stone walling. I experienced some of this with my ex, and in the end, I found it damaged the trust, my sense of safety, connection, and ability to communicate with my ex.

I bet he was being sincere about wanting to avoid escalation.

For me, a cool down period would include some type of communication- letting the other know that space is needed and for how long… (If a person is lost in their emotions that may be hard). Or checking back in shortly after and communicating the need for space and time frame/ desire to reconnect in the future.

It makes total sense that you would feel anxiety if your partner refused to talk.
Even if there was no malicious intent behind it, my question for you is, if he can't change that, would that behavior work for you in a long term relationship? And what if days became weeks (or the anger he was trying to prevent, boiled over)?
Have you thought about what would work? And shared that with him?
If he was unwilling or unable to provide that, would that be a deal breaker?

At first, my ex would get really quiet and I gave him space without being triggered and he usually came back within 10-20 minutes. It started to bring up some anxiety/fears for me, which I'd been addressing in therapy. In addition, I shared with him that in order to feel trust/love, I needed a sense of stability and I felt anxious when he just pulled away and went quiet. I asked if he could communicate with me when he needed space. He said it might be challenging, but he definitely wanted to provide that, and he did. And he was amazing at it!  Then one day, out of the blue, he broke up. I was shocked. I didn't know about BPD and we were back together two weeks later. After that, even though I gave him space, the silence was soon replaced by angry outbursts (started around 5 months) and followed by shame. He felt really bad, called himself toxic and broke up. I could see that he had a really hard time controlling his anger and why space/silence was preferred to intimacy. There were so many things I loved and appreciated about my ex and our relationship so I am still grieving the break up. Since I've been working on taking responsibility for and cleaning up my side of the street for a while, if he chooses not too, we are not a good match.

If your ex is saying that taking space for days is what he needs to do otherwise he might be too angry, I would believe him.

Hope this helps in your processing a bit,
El

[Destiny 37]

What I find hard to figure out in retrospect is:

With my  ex/conflicted about  proceeding/wBPD it used to go like this:
He will get angry about something I had no clue what I did wrong>I would try to find out, get very nervous> that will give him more anger> he would retreat in silence, refusing to talk to me.
Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days.
Caused me a lot of anxiety and I felt abused.
When I told him that, he said he had to do it at that point because he felt he got too angry and he was trying to prevent escalation.
I still felt he was doing it ' to teach me a lesson'.


What is the difference between a silent treatment and 'cool down' space? 

Hi

I think this is a tough one. My husband has BPD and I do not. When he explodes and I’m feeling really hurt I avoid him like the plague. He has often said I’m doing it to hurt him but I’m so hurt and upset I can’t even look at him. Some would say I’m being abusive or petty but it’s just how I personally deal with it. I have to pull away or I’ll break into a million pieces.

When we argue sometimes my husband will get up and walk away. In the past before his diagnoses it would send me into a rage. I felt so angry that he would just walk away and ignore me, almost like a how dare you what I have to say is important kind of feeling. He recently explained he does it to try and calm himself down. He said it’s not to show me disrespect but he can feel himself getting even more angry and he doesn’t want to blow again so he walks away and sometimes won’t speak to me for hours.

I know everyone reacts differently to this and I think if someone is say there actively thinking “ha I’ll show them, I’ll ignore them for hours that will teach them a lesson” that’s pretty abusive but for me personally I would take silence over the outbursts any day of the week. Once we’ve both calmed down then we can talk, less nasty things are said this way.

[DogMom2019]

Hi

I think this is a tough one. My husband has BPD and I do not. When he explodes and I’m feeling really hurt I avoid him like the plague. He has often said I’m doing it to hurt him but I’m so hurt and upset I can’t even look at him. Some would say I’m being abusive or petty but it’s just how I personally deal with it. I have to pull away or I’ll break into a million pieces.
[...]

I know everyone reacts differently to this and I think if someone is say there actively thinking “ha I’ll show them, I’ll ignore them for hours that will teach them a lesson” that’s pretty abusive but for me personally I would take silence over the outbursts any day of the week. Once we’ve both calmed down then we can talk, less nasty things are said this way.

See this is me... When I get hurt by something my spouse says I shut down because it's either that or fall apart. I am not being malicious, I am being self-protective. But then my spouse, in about 10 mins, will talk to me like nothing ever happened.

[Cat Familiar]

If my husband is upset, I’ll ask ONCE, “What’s going on? Are you upset with me?” If he doesn’t answer or avoids the question, then I don’t ask any further. If he says yes, then I’ll ask “What’s it about?” And if he doesn’t want to talk or is irritable, then I just exit and say something like, “I’m going to check on the laundry.”

If he wants to address it, he will. Otherwise NOT MY PROBLEM. This saves me from going down the rabbit hole with him and most times he will self soothe and given some time, will be back to normal.

[thankful person]

If my husband is upset, I’ll ask ONCE, “What’s going on? Are you upset with me?” If he doesn’t answer or avoids the question, then I don’t ask any further. If he says yes, then I’ll ask “What’s it about?” And if he doesn’t want to talk or is irritable, then I just exit and say something like, “I’m going to check on the laundry.”

If he wants to address it, he will. Otherwise NOT MY PROBLEM. This saves me from going down the rabbit hole with him and most times he will self soothe and given some time, will be back to normal.

Cat, you are an excellent role model! I totally follow these same steps now and it’s made such a positive difference in my relationship with my wife.. I’m learning not to be worried and upset by her moodiness and certainly not to keep talking about it if she doesn’t want to.

[Destiny 37]

See this is me... When I get hurt by something my spouse says I shut down because it's either that or fall apart. I am not being malicious, I am being self-protective. But then my spouse, in about 10 mins, will talk to me like nothing ever happened.

Yes that is always strange. My parents were the same so I guess I’m used it. Scream, shout and hit you, ten minutes later “would you like a drink darling” then if you were upset it was you who had the problem and was still carrying it on!

My husband has not been good at all recently with a week or so of him really acting out, we were all very hurt for much longer than usual. One day is saw him walking around all happy and he was genuinely confused as to why we were all still upset. It’s very draining.

[judee]

Elalla, Destiny,

Thank you for your responses.
I am not used to these kind of responses, I never use them myself either.
My ex from ten years back (we were together for 11 years) when we would have an argument it could get pretty heated, we made the rule that we could walk out, but we promised we would always come back. In practice that worked really well. When we would both get the freedom to leave it makes it much easier to come back. Usually within half an hour or an hour we would sit back together calm and even ridiculing what we were actually arguing about.
I really miss that, in my opinion healthy,  way of dealing with it if I think about the situation with my current ex.
I agree when I see your motivation Destiny it is totally legit and not malicious.
I guess it is a matter of trust, because I have my doubts with my exBPD.. I think because I have noticed he likes to be in control and talks quite often about 'power'. It is confusing.