Im telling her I want to separate next week

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

While I have already made the decision to seek separation. I am actually going to have the conversation next week. We have a session with our couples therapist. I expressed to them in my recent 1:1 that I was not interested in trying to reconcile, and that I need help in having the "separation" talk. So we have a session scheduled for next week to talk about "next steps".

I have been trying to prepare myself by talking with my support group and my therapist. I still have doubts that I am doing the right thing. In any case, I wanted to post this to seek any advice for the next step in my journey.

What is unique for my situation:

• My SO is not going to "go on to the next" and find some other guy. Even if she does, I don't believe that will make me want her back.
• I do want to find a way to be a happy family, but bandaids will not bait me back in. Real change and help is the only thing that would make me consider hanging around.
• There is no clear path to separation. We live in an area where we can not turn to friends/family to help with a place to live. So there is "Nowhere for either of us to go" in that sense.
• We have a 3yo son and if it wasn't for him I would have just walked out long ago.
  

...and to clarify, my doubts are about whether or not I am being fair to my SO. Am I actually the problem? Have I done enough? Is this really the right thing for my son?

For whatever reason, getting validation from my inner circle isn't helping. Probably because they are only get my side of the story and they care about me. I hear a lot of "I just want you to be happy, and you seem unhappy". I have an overriding fear that I am the one with a disorder. I am the one that needs to take a look in the mirror. I am the one that is refusing to see reality and my circle is just re-enforcing the crazy (including my therapist). I know that getting validation from a stranger reading a post on the internet won't cut it. So...

What can I ask myself?
How can I reflect?
What can I do to give myself confidence in my decision?
How can I detach confidently?

My only desire is to move forward without regrets.


Bonus: She told me today that she "might" be pregnant and it is "from you". Which is literally impossible because we haven't had sex in 6 months.

[Bara]

While I have already made the decision to seek separation. I am actually going to have the conversation next week. We have a session with our couples therapist. I expressed to them in my recent 1:1 that I was not interested in trying to reconcile, and that I need help in having the "separation" talk. So we have a session scheduled for next week to talk about "next steps".

I have been trying to prepare myself by talking with my support group and my therapist. I still have doubts that I am doing the right thing. In any case, I wanted to post this to seek any advice for the next step in my journey.

What is unique for my situation:

• My SO is not going to "go on to the next" and find some other guy. Even if she does, I don't believe that will make me want her back.
• I do want to find a way to be a happy family, but bandaids will not bait me back in. Real change and help is the only thing that would make me consider hanging around.
• There is no clear path to separation. We live in an area where we can not turn to friends/family to help with a place to live. So there is "Nowhere for either of us to go" in that sense.
• We have a 3yo son and if it wasn't for him I would have just walked out long ago.
  

...and to clarify, my doubts are about whether or not I am being fair to my SO. Am I actually the problem? Have I done enough? Is this really the right thing for my son?

For whatever reason, getting validation from my inner circle isn't helping. Probably because they are only get my side of the story and they care about me. I hear a lot of "I just want you to be happy, and you seem unhappy". I have an overriding fear that I am the one with a disorder. I am the one that needs to take a look in the mirror. I am the one that is refusing to see reality and my circle is just re-enforcing the crazy (including my therapist). I know that getting validation from a stranger reading a post on the internet won't cut it. So...

What can I ask myself?
How can I reflect?
What can I do to give myself confidence in my decision?
How can I detach confidently?

My only desire is to move forward without regrets.


Bonus: She told me today that she "might" be pregnant and it is "from you". Which is literally impossible because we haven't had sex in 6 months.

[Ellala]

Hi Bara,

I hear you questioning yourself and that is something I have done post break up. My situation was different, but there were times that I questioned myself.

What do you want for you son? What steps would you need to take to create that?
Can you see any way of creating a happy family with your SO if you don't leave? Has your SO showed sincere interest or evidence in getting help? 
Do you feel you have honestly looked at your role in what hasn't worked and put in effort to improve things?
Do you think separating and having space for yourself would allow you to be a better person, partner, and parent? 
Would you have any regrets if you didn't leave?

I would reflect on your why… what is motivating you to separate?
Is that clear enough and strong enough for you to act on?

I do not know you, your relationship, or your process… how do you find confidence in your decisions normally…. is it by listening to your gut or by writing out a list of what is works / doesn't work  about an option?

What your wrote about the "bonus" sounds manipulative to me.

Hope this helps a little..
best,
El