Feeling stuck and my girlfriend has no where to go

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My self diagnosed girlfriend with bpd moved in with me 2 months ago as her lease expired. She's in the US on a student visa and planned going back to her country last month but the border closed and it's way to expensive for her to go back now. We've only been together 10 months but I have finally reached my limit.

I don't think I'm cut out to be with someone with bpd, ptsd, and some narcissism. She's already changed so much in a positive way in the past 1.5 years, but I really can see no future with our fights every week about anything. I naturally get really pushed away when she starts having some episode and I'm a naturally agreeable person and avoid conflict. She felt unwanted last night and even locked me out of the bedroom and wouldn't talk, she pays no rent/bills.

Overall the unreachable demands, physical/emotional abuse, stonewalling, controlling and manipulative behavior has ate away at me for too long. I told her this morning I hit my limit and she made it about her by saying "do you know how many times I've hit my limit with you" and suggested that she needs nights to "cool off" alone and wants a separate bed in the spare room.

I feel I can't end things and I have tried having hope in the future we planned together but I'm really losing all hope. She has no family or friends around here and I feel I can't just kick her out when she has all this other stress in her life right now. I still care about her and really think it's best to end things at this point as peacefully as possible.

[triceps]

My self diagnosed girlfriend with bpd moved in with me 2 months ago as her lease expired. She's in the US on a student visa and planned going back to her country last month but the border closed and it's way to expensive for her to go back now. We've only been together 10 months but I have finally reached my limit.

I don't think I'm cut out to be with someone with bpd, ptsd, and some narcissism. She's already changed so much in a positive way in the past 1.5 years, but I really can see no future with our fights every week about anything. I naturally get really pushed away when she starts having some episode and I'm a naturally agreeable person and avoid conflict. She felt unwanted last night and even locked me out of the bedroom and wouldn't talk, she pays no rent/bills.

Overall the unreachable demands, physical/emotional abuse, stonewalling, controlling and manipulative behavior has ate away at me for too long. I told her this morning I hit my limit and she made it about her by saying "do you know how many times I've hit my limit with you" and suggested that she needs nights to "cool off" alone and wants a separate bed in the spare room.

I feel I can't end things and I have tried having hope in the future we planned together but I'm really losing all hope. She has no family or friends around here and I feel I can't just kick her out when she has all this other stress in her life right now. I still care about her and really think it's best to end things at this point as peacefully as possible.

[BigOof]

I feel I can't just kick her out when she has all this other stress in her life right now.

Sure you can. She'll have someone caretaking her in a few weeks and you'll be her ex with anger management problems.

Don't take it personally. She's partially insane.

The best advice I ever got given: There is never a good time to break up.

[BigOof]

Try reading or listening to "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life."

[ForeverDad]

Despite how much she frequently rages at you, if she got pregnant then she would feel you would be "obligated" to suffer with her for many years to come, for the sake of the baby.

That's my roundabout way of warning you to not leave birth control in her hands.  One "oops, I forgot!" and...

Edited to add another thought.  She is an adult, after all.  As a theoretical exercise, what would she do if you had an accident and were away recovering for years?

[triceps]

I can see what you guys all mean. Today she really tried reconciling and apologizing for her behavior, but I feel like issues will just happen again. She complains about all these factors out of her control right now that are effecting her mentally and giving her a short fuse.

I don't want to keep going down this road but I do feel like giving this another chance as when she has an emotional episode it shuts me down and that makes her feel worse. As a conflict avoidance person it's hard for me but I feel like maybe I can try one more time.

[GaGrl]

What kind of financial resources do you have to provide her, perhaps, a three month transition to living independently of you?

[ForeverDad]

She has a student visa, does it expire anytime soon?  Meanwhile, is she working so she has income and can soon better support herself?

Does she have any way to predict when the border reopens?  Is it pandemic related or something else?  Many countries are starting to relax their extreme policies since it appears the virus is becoming less harmful and we can live with the virus like we do with colds and flu.

[finallyout]

I can totally understand your situation. I had something similar with me ex-gf but the difference was that we had a child together, and as ForeverDad wrote, this was used by her as an obligation so I keep financing her. Although our child had a daycare, she was still laying obstacles on the way, so she does not have to look for a job. On top of that, she was treating me very badly.

So you have someone fully dependent on you financially and still, like a parasite, sucking your blood. Add to that, it seems that you still have feelings for her, otherwise kicking her out of the apartment would have been much easier. You are in a tough position, I know. But you need to do something about it. This situation is not going to change if you let her stay as she is now. Most probably, she will get more comfortable with time and might also get pregnant, and then you have to parent a child with her for the rest of your life.

I am sorry, there is nothing concrete I can offer here, since each situation is different. But the obvious thing is that you need to take some actions ... otherwise things will get worse