How should I respond to unreasonable demands and relationship "tests"?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD boyfriend presents me with strange ultimatums to "test" my commitment to him and our relationship. I have been reading the tips and posts on here and trying to change my responses and reactions to his very extreme jealousy, need to control me, his emotional abuse and rages etc. It has been helping to an extent, so I am looking for advice on how to respond to his bizarre demands.

Here are the big 3:

He wanted me to confront an ex of mine who he feels treated me poorly. He wanted  to be a witness to this confrontation, he wanted it to be public, he wanted me to call him specific names and tell him he has a small penis. I am ashamed to say that I did let him force me to send this man a letter before I understood the BPD and was bending over backwards to try and prove my commitment to him. I have since come to understand his insecurities are from deep within himself and have little to do with me. He says the letter was a hollow gesture and he constantly says I was unable to do what he needed because I don't care enough about him.

He wants me to take a lie detector test. He accuses me of cheating on him constantly. I try to reassure him and explain that no part of me has any desire for any other man [honestly sometimes I wish I did] but his jealousy is over the top extreme. The accusations are so bizarre that I actually think he loses touch with reality. I have actually considered taking the test. Part of me would love to prove to him that his accusations are completely crazy but I also think that giving in would be a mistake.

The latest thing is that he wants me to send him nude pictures of myself. He looks through my electronics and phone constantly. I have almost no digital privacy [or any other privacy] and unfortunately he found pictures I sent to an ex a long time ago. I thought they were deleted [I guess its true that nothing is every truly gone on the internet]. He is now obsessed with the fact that I did that for someone else and so if I really loved him enough I would do it for him. I have tried to explain that I did that during a very insecure period in my own life, I am ashamed of myself for doing it and I would feel humiliated if he forced me to do it again. Also, he has gone through my phone, called people in the middle of the night whose numbers he didn't recognize [very embarrassing conversations I had to have with people the next day], he posted awful things on my Facebook as me [Facebook is gone] and has threatened to "blow up my life" several times, so I don't trust him to have nude pictures of me. And I just don't want to.

He sees all of these requests as perfectly reasonable. I would do them if I really wanted to show him I love him and that I'm "all in". If I could have back the hours I have spent arguing about these things...but they always resurface. We will get to what I think is an okay place and something will trigger him and it will start again and he will decide we can't be together because I just couldn't do what he needed.

Help? Advice? Please

[justcantgiveup]

My uBPD boyfriend presents me with strange ultimatums to "test" my commitment to him and our relationship. I have been reading the tips and posts on here and trying to change my responses and reactions to his very extreme jealousy, need to control me, his emotional abuse and rages etc. It has been helping to an extent, so I am looking for advice on how to respond to his bizarre demands.

Here are the big 3:

He wanted me to confront an ex of mine who he feels treated me poorly. He wanted  to be a witness to this confrontation, he wanted it to be public, he wanted me to call him specific names and tell him he has a small penis. I am ashamed to say that I did let him force me to send this man a letter before I understood the BPD and was bending over backwards to try and prove my commitment to him. I have since come to understand his insecurities are from deep within himself and have little to do with me. He says the letter was a hollow gesture and he constantly says I was unable to do what he needed because I don't care enough about him.

He wants me to take a lie detector test. He accuses me of cheating on him constantly. I try to reassure him and explain that no part of me has any desire for any other man [honestly sometimes I wish I did] but his jealousy is over the top extreme. The accusations are so bizarre that I actually think he loses touch with reality. I have actually considered taking the test. Part of me would love to prove to him that his accusations are completely crazy but I also think that giving in would be a mistake.

The latest thing is that he wants me to send him nude pictures of myself. He looks through my electronics and phone constantly. I have almost no digital privacy [or any other privacy] and unfortunately he found pictures I sent to an ex a long time ago. I thought they were deleted [I guess its true that nothing is every truly gone on the internet]. He is now obsessed with the fact that I did that for someone else and so if I really loved him enough I would do it for him. I have tried to explain that I did that during a very insecure period in my own life, I am ashamed of myself for doing it and I would feel humiliated if he forced me to do it again. Also, he has gone through my phone, called people in the middle of the night whose numbers he didn't recognize [very embarrassing conversations I had to have with people the next day], he posted awful things on my Facebook as me [Facebook is gone] and has threatened to "blow up my life" several times, so I don't trust him to have nude pictures of me. And I just don't want to.

He sees all of these requests as perfectly reasonable. I would do them if I really wanted to show him I love him and that I'm "all in". If I could have back the hours I have spent arguing about these things...but they always resurface. We will get to what I think is an okay place and something will trigger him and it will start again and he will decide we can't be together because I just couldn't do what he needed.

Help? Advice? Please

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DogMom2019]

Let me tell you from a married experience... Constantly giving in to those demands and "tests" will have you in a space where you eventually won't recognize who you are. I spent my entire marriage trying to do just that... And for the life of me, trying to uncover how I am now is such a daunting task. There is a lot of great advice on these boards, check them out. The general consensus is to develop healthy and strong boundaries with consistent use, read Stop Caretaking the Borderline, and continue to take care of yourself. Sometimes, it helps to disengage while the rage and tests are happening, just so that he can soothe and help himself.

See, pwBPD tend to test us and our love to see how much we can endure, and usually not on a conscious level, as if to prove to themselves that we were eventually going to abandon/leave them anyway. With every test we "pass" they up the ante, again usually not maliciously, but they have to find where you break so that "yet another person can't be trusted."

There's an excellent post that someone sent me I'll leave it here...

The BLACK HOLE Analogy

This is one of my favorites, and I have reminded myself of it over and over.  Simply a reminder to prioritize your own needs and not throw 'everything' down a black hole that cannot be filled:

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up.

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else.

So even in accepting any of the Big 3 requests, especially about the nude pictures, are not actually about you. We tend to make it about us because it is happening to us... But take some time away (doesn't matter how much just long enough to think) and create healthy boundaries about what you will do when behaviors are thrusted upon you. Trust me, if you don't, these tests will only escalate and I don't know you, but I DO know that you deserve more than the BLACK HOLE.

DogMom2019

[alterK]

Dogmom is giving you good advice, just. I think you are already aware that your BF's demands are impossible to satisfy. He's interfering with your relationships with other people. Giving him nude pics is inviting disaster (make sure he doesn't take any when you're not aware).

And I think you already understand that he is acting out of fear. He has an overwhelming insecurity--who knows where it comes from?--that he's unable to deal with himself, and he wants you to fix it, which is an impossible task.

It may seem contradictory, but if you have any hope of saving the relationship it will be in setting boundaries. That may just possibly give him security that giving in to his demands won't. When my kids were little they b--ched and moaned when I set limits to their behavior, but (so long as I was being reasonable) I believed it ultimately gave them a sense of security, a sense that the world has order and is not chaotic.

Or think of it this way. You already know that giving in to your BF's demands will never satisfy him and can hurt you. So what alternative do you have? If you don't cater to him, you may expect he'll object and give you a hard time, just the way kids do. But remember, he himself is experiencing the black hole of insecurity that Dogmom describes, for sure even more intensely than you are.

Of course, this won't be easy for you, and you can expect that he'll continue to test your limits. Sadly, no guarantees, but in the end it's just possible that your setting limits may help him and your relationship.