Co-Parenting Model - Need help with BIFF Response

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has been quite a while since I have been active here, but once again I find myself needing some guidance and support.

For background, I divorced my uBPDxw in mid 2018.  We have two kids, S9 and D13.  When we separated, I knew enough about our dynamic to have a parent coordinator appointed.  Soon after our divorce, we also entered into family therapy to help navigate uBPDxw's behavior, its impact on the kids, and our interactions as parents.

We started out with 50-50 custody, but by the end of 2019 my children's mental health was suffering.  My son was having accidents at school, and my daughter began developing an eating disorder (which later resulted in her hospitalization in 2020).  I filed for a change in custody and now my daughter is with me full-time.  My son is still on a 50-50 split because his issues were not as severe, and this arrangement seems to help contain uBPDx's behavior.

It was clear to me from the beginning that parallel parenting was the only co-parenting model that would work for our family.  I have worked very hard with the PC and family therapist to help contain communications from uBPDxw, and to ensure they stay focused only on the critical topics (healthcare decisions, education, devices, etc).  This has given me essential space to lessen traumatic stress in my home and try to begin healing from years of emotional abuse in our marriage, plus the years since then (including the trauma of helping my daughter through her treatment).  It has also allowed for a generally calmer and more stable atmosphere in my home, which I am committed to keeping as safe space for my kids.

uBPDxw has always expected that our co-parenting relationship will be super-friendly and enmeshed.  She expects it to be the same as it was when we were married, which includes ignoring any inappropriate behavior from her for the sake of surface appearances.  And which also includes "compromising" that then gets continuously renegotiated by her until we get closer and closer to the outcome she wants.  Which brings us to the latest message from her:

MW,

I have tried to educate myself on your use of the term parallel parenting.  I found this article helpful in understanding your reason for opting for that instead of co-parenting:
https://talkingparents.com/parenting-resources/parallel-parenting

While I agree that in 2018 to perhaps mid-2020, our relationship meant we had limited capacity for communicating with each other in a civil manner due to hurt and anger on both sides.  However, I feel that as we both allow for the passage of time (almost four years) and work with our respective personal counselors, this anger and hurt has subsided and we are moving toward civility.  As the above article points out:
"Every parenting plan, even a parallel parenting plan, will need to be revisited periodically. For some parents, parallel parenting may be a temporary solution or a step to eventual co-parenting when the pains of the relationship begin to subside."

Are you at all interested in moving away from parallel parenting, perhaps in certain limited contexts (e.g., pediatricians, therapists, phones, etc.)? 

RR:  Please let me know your thoughts on where we can begin co-parenting versus staying in parallel parenting mode.

There is so much I want to say in response, and I know most of it will just provide openings for her to argue every position and statement.  I need help with how to keep my response as much within the BIFF model as possible.

Parallel parenting is co-parenting.  Not in the manner that she wants, but in the manner that I need.  This is about boundaries for me, because she has shown time and time again that she cannot and will not respect my boundaries (or the children's).  Her behavior pattern has been consistent for more than 15 years...she will "make nice" and comply with agreements and commitments until it becomes too frustrating or inconvenient, and will then just start changing the arrangement herself or renegotiating.

I am finally getting to a place in my own therapy to work on the deep healing--which is hard and exhausting enough.  I know the more I open myself up to additional contact, discussion, negotiation, and re-negotiation, the more triggered I will be.  I cannot invite this new Hell with uBPDxw when I worked so hard to get things to the level of containment that they are now.

mw

[mama-wolf]

It has been quite a while since I have been active here, but once again I find myself needing some guidance and support.

For background, I divorced my uBPDxw in mid 2018.  We have two kids, S9 and D13.  When we separated, I knew enough about our dynamic to have a parent coordinator appointed.  Soon after our divorce, we also entered into family therapy to help navigate uBPDxw's behavior, its impact on the kids, and our interactions as parents.

We started out with 50-50 custody, but by the end of 2019 my children's mental health was suffering.  My son was having accidents at school, and my daughter began developing an eating disorder (which later resulted in her hospitalization in 2020).  I filed for a change in custody and now my daughter is with me full-time.  My son is still on a 50-50 split because his issues were not as severe, and this arrangement seems to help contain uBPDx's behavior.

It was clear to me from the beginning that parallel parenting was the only co-parenting model that would work for our family.  I have worked very hard with the PC and family therapist to help contain communications from uBPDxw, and to ensure they stay focused only on the critical topics (healthcare decisions, education, devices, etc).  This has given me essential space to lessen traumatic stress in my home and try to begin healing from years of emotional abuse in our marriage, plus the years since then (including the trauma of helping my daughter through her treatment).  It has also allowed for a generally calmer and more stable atmosphere in my home, which I am committed to keeping as safe space for my kids.

uBPDxw has always expected that our co-parenting relationship will be super-friendly and enmeshed.  She expects it to be the same as it was when we were married, which includes ignoring any inappropriate behavior from her for the sake of surface appearances.  And which also includes "compromising" that then gets continuously renegotiated by her until we get closer and closer to the outcome she wants.  Which brings us to the latest message from her:

MW,

I have tried to educate myself on your use of the term parallel parenting.  I found this article helpful in understanding your reason for opting for that instead of co-parenting:
https://talkingparents.com/parenting-resources/parallel-parenting

While I agree that in 2018 to perhaps mid-2020, our relationship meant we had limited capacity for communicating with each other in a civil manner due to hurt and anger on both sides.  However, I feel that as we both allow for the passage of time (almost four years) and work with our respective personal counselors, this anger and hurt has subsided and we are moving toward civility.  As the above article points out:
"Every parenting plan, even a parallel parenting plan, will need to be revisited periodically. For some parents, parallel parenting may be a temporary solution or a step to eventual co-parenting when the pains of the relationship begin to subside."

Are you at all interested in moving away from parallel parenting, perhaps in certain limited contexts (e.g., pediatricians, therapists, phones, etc.)? 

RR:  Please let me know your thoughts on where we can begin co-parenting versus staying in parallel parenting mode.

There is so much I want to say in response, and I know most of it will just provide openings for her to argue every position and statement.  I need help with how to keep my response as much within the BIFF model as possible.

Parallel parenting is co-parenting.  Not in the manner that she wants, but in the manner that I need.  This is about boundaries for me, because she has shown time and time again that she cannot and will not respect my boundaries (or the children's).  Her behavior pattern has been consistent for more than 15 years...she will "make nice" and comply with agreements and commitments until it becomes too frustrating or inconvenient, and will then just start changing the arrangement herself or renegotiating.

I am finally getting to a place in my own therapy to work on the deep healing--which is hard and exhausting enough.  I know the more I open myself up to additional contact, discussion, negotiation, and re-negotiation, the more triggered I will be.  I cannot invite this new Hell with uBPDxw when I worked so hard to get things to the level of containment that they are now.

mw

[kells76]

Welcome back! Really good to hear from you. Glad D13 is with you full time... I know it's been a ride.

So xW wants an "in" to your life again, and is trying to make it your "responsibility" (fault). "We could coparent SOO well if you would just get over yourself... see, I've done the work, I'm ready... YOU'RE the hurdle".

I'm not seeing any kind of acknowledgement of things that were solely her responsibility. It's always "we had limited capacity... on both sides... we work with our counselors... we are moving..."

I don't see her taking individual personal responsibility for things that actually were "just her" and not "both sides". I see the "both sides" move as a way to duck responsibility.

...

Glad you want to do a BIFF on this. Perfect opportunity for it, plus perfect opportunity not to JADE. There's some "bait" being dangled of "justify to me why you want to keep parallel parenting" and you're right, that's an invitation to conflict. For whatever reason she wants a conflictual engagement with you right now, where she can end up "on top" and "virtuous" and you can be placed as "on the bottom", "defensive", "wrong about the kids", whatever.

First thought: there's nothing for you to justify or explain to her. She is trying to paint the decision as "already made" by phrasing it as "let me know when we can begin coparenting" -- notice she didn't even wait for you to get back to her. She isn't even coparenting (i.e. waiting for a response and having dialogue about a decision) as she tries to convince you to coparent! If you don't want to, then you don't have to, and you don't have to justify it.

Second thought: is she in a relationship again? I'm suspecting not, given this overture.

Third thought: your parenting coordinator is still working for you guys, right? Has your PC seen her email?

...

Gut feeling on a BIFF response:

"Hi xW, thanks for reaching out. I plan to continue to parallel parent at this time.

Stay healthy;

mama-wolf"

I'd be interested in hearing your and the group's thoughts on adding a line like "I will keep you posted if anything changes" -- it's true, it's just that for you, probably it won't ever change. It could "soften" the response more, but it also opens the door for more conflict.

...

glad you're here...

 

kells76

[GaGrl]

My thought was similar to Kell's...

"Thanks for reaching out. The current parenting arrangement works best for me.

Mama-Wolf"

K coveted the reasons. It's still all about her.

[mama-wolf]

kells76!    So happy to have your insights on this, thank you!  Your response reminds me just how much this community has to offer that I just haven't seen anywhere else, and I'm so happy to have the support.

Your observations about ducking individual responsibility and trying to make the decision herself without any dialogue are so on point.  I didn't mention that two weeks ago she reached out about discussing some parenting topics related to D13 now that she's becoming a teenager (she referred to "dating, sex, curfew" and a couple others).  She asked if I was willing to 1) discuss directly and identify where we might disagree, or 2) schedule a parents-only session with the family therapist.  I responded that I preferred to work with the family therapist...and she quit family therapy that night!  Didn't respond to me, didn't notify me (virtual session where she was one-on-one with the T), didn't reach for a full week after that.  The family therapist emailed me a heads up, and we briefly discussed waiting to give uBPDxw a chance to communicate with me.  For all uBPDxw knew, I was unaware until the family therapist herself sent out an update a week later that included notifying the PC of the status.

We do still have the PC, and I actually engaged him after she quit family therapy.  Mainly because she had stopped communicating with me (not even sending the brief updates at the last several custody exchanges, which we have been doing for years), and because she put a condition in place that I could continue family therapy only if I took full responsibility for scheduling, it was on my time, and I paid the full cost.  The PC won't get involved with the cost part...I'll have to take her to court for the 30% that's her responsibility for unreimbursed medical expenses according to the custody order.  But I feel very strongly that continuing family therapy is needed for the kids, and is in their best interest.  Especially to help with the dynamic between them with D13's needs and behavior taking up a lot of "space" and with S9 going between two very different households.  Since uBPDxw put the condition in place for us continuing, I felt like it was safest to get the PC to confirm that I can do so.

I suspect he has encouraged uBPDxw to engage with me, though I'm not sure if he encouraged this particular overture.  I am pretty sure she will use my response to try to paint me as unreasonable and unwilling to work with her, which is part of why I came here for help.  I love your suggested response, and am inclined to add the part about letting her know if anything changes.  I am also tempted to invite her to have that parents-only session with the family therapist whenever she's ready to discuss parenting topics further.  That was her original offer after all, but maybe I save that for a later day.

And thank you GaGrl for jumping in as well!  uBPDxw very much wants me to justify myself with reasons, for exactly that...to make it all about her.

mw

[PeteWitsend]

...

Gut feeling on a BIFF response:

"Hi xW, thanks for reaching out. I plan to continue to parallel parent at this time.

Stay healthy;

mama-wolf"

...

This is the best response I can think of as well.  Maybe adding "I don't see any reason to change our approach as of right now, which has been working fine for our kids."

Give them as little to respond to as possible, and do not respond to anything in their post that is subjective.

For example, when I get emails like "Are you picking Daughter up at Noon or should I plan for 40 minutes later because you're always late?"

I just respond, "I'll pick Daughter up at noon, thanks."

I don't go "Hey, I was late once, and it wasn't anywhere close to 40 minutes, and you never have Daughter ready to go for 5+ minutes when I'm there on time anyway."  because what's the point?  She's clearly angling for contact and an argumentative response because that's all her disordered mind understands and wants.

mama-wolf the tone in your BPDxw's email makes me cringe.  I hate when they talk like that... like we don't remember what they're really like and we're going to think they're sincerely going to do X, Y, or Z now without simply using them as an excuse to create more conflict?

[mama-wolf]

mama-wolf the tone in your BPDxw's email makes me cringe.  I hate when they talk like that... like we don't remember what they're really like and we're going to think they're sincerely going to do X, Y, or Z now without simply using them as an excuse to create more conflict?

Thank you for the validation on the cringe factor!  She pops up sounding like this once in a while, and it is very much consistent with her revisionist history approach.

And thank you for your thoughts on the response...I like the addition highlighting that it's working for the kids.  That's what ultimately matters, and it's true.

mw