Can't do it anymore

[MomofThree]

My 23 YO son after 20 years of ongoing problems is finally diagnosed with BPD. He started with ADHD as child, diagnosed with high functioning autism, started abusing marijuana at 15, now in 6th year of college, within 1 term of finishing degree and now can't work, won't work, demands we do his homework, demands money due to past fictional abuse that never happened. He did have jobs in HS and last year an internship but he spent every penny he had mostly on marijuana and frivoulous spending. He is grossly overweight and blames us for that. He takes no responsibility for any of his actions. He recently spent 6 days in hospital and is starting DBT however, his mother (me) is continuing to be the prime target, even though my husband and I have done nothing but support and work miracles to get him to almost finishing a degree so that he has a chance for a better life and he does nothing but tear me down. We have got him out of arrests for drugs/alcohol. He has no friends, no one but his parents, his sisters want nothing to do with him. He has burned every bridge with anyone who tried to help him, stating professors are "pedophiles", endless counselors "make fun of him" and everyone is evil. Honestly I cannot do this anymore - ever. How do I get out of this and away from him so my husband and I can have some sort of a life before we pass? Anytime I say he needs to start taking responsibility for himself he states I have to repay him for the (fictional) abuse and if I stop helping him he is threatening to hurt me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Jezz]

MomofThree, I feel your pain and anger and frustration. I think everyone on here can relate. I don’t have the answer for you, but I wanted to let you know that I get it. 1000% I get it. I’m new in this group and haven’t figured out how to set boundaries, etc so that I can have my own life that’s not consumed by my 23yr old daughter. I just wanted you to know that we can all relate.

[qcarolr]

I have heard similar things from my daughter with BPD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, meth use... sometimes she is so hateful toward while I am in the middle of helping her. She was dx BPD at age 23 too. Time has gone by. She is turning 36 in a couple months. She also has some neurological disabilities so I feel she is legitimate in needing help with some areas of her life. It is so hard to find the line for boundaries sometimes. My husband is more focused on retiring without her needing me so much.

I get advised to find some self-care, self-compassion to get through all this. I do need to get past some denial about her neediness and drug use and continue to enforce some boundaries. Like ending phone calls when she calls me or others in the family names, put downs, calling me evil... I have been doing this for years. She is currently in jail for 90 days - domestic violence charges - and seems to be reaching out for help in a program they call Focused Re-entry. She is no longer allowed at our house and has been living homeless over a year in a car with toxic boyfriend. I ran out of money to pay for her housing. It is hard. I sure hope she accepts some kind of transitional housing program at her release. She has two dogs that get in the way -- these are very important to her. And addiction to toxic boyfriend.

I don't know if any of this is helpful for you. Please know that I understand your pain. I have a fantasy that I get in my car and drive until I run out of gas then start my life over. Brings me a moment of cheer and sadness. I would miss my husband. And maybe my grandkids (who live with us, age 16 and age 4). Hang in there.

[Sancho]

Gosh Mumofthree, this is an awful situation. Do you think he would act on his threat to harm you?

The journey with a bpd child seems to involve lurching from one crisis to the next. We are faced with impossible options at each crisis - and on it goes.

I tried many many ways to help dd become independent - and just went around in circles. But I did come to a point where I stopped bailing out for debts etc.
I'm often overwhelmed with a feeling of wanting to run off somewhere and leave it all behind. I have probably tried to do that each time I have tried to support her to become independent.

My only reflection on your situation is to wonder whether to develop a plan towards change in -say - 1 year's time. Write down - or if you could work with someone - where you want things to be in 1 year's time and then write down the steps of how to get there.

Also being prepared with a plan for various scenarios I think is very useful. I have in my head when I would call the police, I have security doors and locks on windows ( not so much in relation to dd but from experience with her 'friends').  I feel more secure now that I have put the anxiety aside and looked at things like 'if this happens I will do  . . . . . .'

Having someone who knows your situation is also helpful I think.

These suggestions are probably not very helpful and I'm sure you have tried everything you possibly can. I hope you will post again - I really feel concerned for your situation.

[RobertX]

Hi  - so sorry to hear of your situation.  It is very similar to our own where we have a 20 year old son who has historically been violent, abused class A drugs, arrests, over doses, blames for fictional mental abuse.  It is extremely difficult to cope with and also so sad...however we have noticed an improvement in our communication since we adopted 'Affirmation' and the JADE principals  - in fact it made a noticeable improvement  immediately (although was very difficult to stick to).  We are not through our issues at all and we have committed to not giving in and being there for the long term...  Getting your son therapy and medication is critical as well as ensuring you also get therapy and guidance.  Improvements wont just happen  - time wont necessarily heal this (others may have different experience)  - however have hope and look for the tiny things that make a positive impact.  Arguing and using logic / threats did not work for us - Affirmation, JADE / HALT and therapy + medication appears to be making some sort of improvement.  Be strong. You are not alone.

[jones54]

Very sorry to hear of your situation. I hope what I say is not a discouragement but each story and situation is different. My BPD daughter is now 36. I have posted here before but it has been a bit. She has addiction issues as well (was on heroin in past). She is very intelligent and was in grad school about 3 years ago. ( Life has been hell since she was 16). She was being helped with tuition and her mother (my ex) was helping to rent a house for her. We tried to do family therapy. She started abusing drugs again. Her mother and I started see a counselor ( the one to do the family therapy). The therapists said enough. Told us to no longer support her. She was evicted. Dropped out of school. She became homeless. Her mother and I continued therapy together and maintained the course. She overdosed (not the first time in her life). She has been to the best rehab institutes in America multiple times. She eventually was taken in by a friend (older man who is sever alcoholic). Actually got sober and got a job. Worked for two years (longest she has held a job). We had minimal relationship but had some positive communication with her. Then she moved out (his daughter moved in). Went to a halfway house (smart move). This was one year ago. Left after a month and said she was going to live in her car since it was getting warmer (against my recommendation, she hates rules). She lost her job at some point (Fall?). Then everything feel apart. She began harassing us by text and email. Blamed us for everything in her life (we abused her...Never did). Was stuck in the cold in her car. Did use a homeless shelter she stayed at in past. Then became violent and tried to attack me with a bat. Did major house damage at her mother's on two separate occasions (last time with an axe in broad daylight). She has PPO's against her by us and my girlfriend. She went to jail for one night and was released. Has never shown up to her court hearings. I am told the courts will do nothing unless you actually hurt or kill someone. My ex and girlfriend are scared to death. Even with the PPO she continues to harass thru emails and never stops blaming us for her circumstances.  She tells us to stop harassing her!
Sorry to make this so long. At this point I have been advised to not contact her or help her. We have helped in the past when things got bad and she could get better but it never lasted. I am not sure how this will all end. My girlfriend of almost 20 years now feels she should have left the relationship years ago (not sure why she did not because I probably would have).
My daughter has destroyed so many things (not just physical but relationships with myself and my ex). I love her but wish she would look in the mirror and accepts her situation because of all the poor choices she has made. But she will not. It is her parents fault for everything. We have a son in Chicago happily married with two beautiful grand children who is now a VP at his company at age 33 (so proud). He has nothing to do with her.
I am not sure I have an answer for you but feel if someone is capable they should be able to take care of themselves. Counseling was very helpful for us (you do not feel you are possibly doing things wrong...although at times you still question it). They say people can grow out of BPD. Not sure that is true. All I can do now is "Let go and Let God". I understand completely how you feel. I have also learned to have acceptance. For years I wanted a "normal" daughter. Now that I have gotten past this it has helped my feeling of hopelessness get much less.
Again, sorry this is so long.

[RobertX]

Just updating on my last note - I have manged to put us back several steps this afternoon.  Not to square one but it was almost like my son was aware of the progress that we had been making and then wanted to destroy it all.  Tried to stick to JADE etc but suspect not well enough judging by the outcome...He claims I let it slip that I see myself as a victim of BPD when he is the victim of my terrible parenting.

[jones54]

For those of you who have children that repeatedly state that you, as the parent, "did things to them" such as abuse, even though it is the farthest thing from the truth,
this link to a page describing Disassociation was very helpful for me.

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/dissociation


 

[MomofThree]

Dear all, it's been awhile and I'm just reading all your replies. Such helpful information for me, and support I didn't know existed. As per usual, my situation has not improved. My son was hospitalized as inpatient again last week for another mental health emergency (suicide threats), he's getting out today, and on the phone call with my husband last night, he continues to blame me for all his problems. Also that he never wants to talk to me again. The hospital doctors and counselors continued to validate his stories of abuse (but no one talks to his family, and there is no proof of anything because it didn't happen). I feel a little stronger with all the support on this forum. I am going to take forward the idea of a 1 year plan, where I want/need to be, and steps to get there. Also the JADE and affirmation, etc that I was not aware of. I need to learn more on how to use those methods. I am so sad, so depressed myself, but realize this will be a lifelong situation if I don't extract myself. My son did finish his degree (barely) and when discharged is supposedly going into a 5 days/week program of CBT etc. He needs to get a job in my opinion but I can't say that anymore as he considers it "gaslighting" and "abusive". I will update in not too long of a time. Thank you all so much.

[DoneMom]

There’s not much that I can add to the responses from others here who have dealt with the same issues with their adolescent or adult children…I completely understand & wish I could give you a big hug!

Take a big, deep breath & know that it’s NOT your fault.

I know how “can’t do it anymore” feels & it’s so hard.

[Vincent56]

My 33 year old has BPD and I have taken the DBT therapy training just to understand what's going on in her head.  I would recommend that.  Call a therapist that does it and ask if you can take it.  It's expensive and hard and worth every penny.  Don't try to rationalize the behavior, and validate his feelings.  I did the totally wrong thing with my daughter for over 15 years.  I tried to make her see the light at the end of the tunnel and tell her how great her life is, why can't she see how lucky she is blah blah blah.  TOTALLY the wrong thing.   Validation is what they need.  Ask if he wants to vent or if he wants you to help him get through something.  But I wouldn't try to make sense of it.  He'll hate you today and in the morning greet you with a hey mom how's it going?  It's soo hard.  You can do this Mama.  Get your whole family involved.  Oh, and most importantly, don't absorb his feelings and make them yours.  Set boundaries.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Julsie]

Hi Vincent,
I'm very interested in your reply  but I'm a  bit confused as in one part you say don't  validate their feelings and further down, validation is what they need? Which do we do? Thanks

[Artsy Mom]

I can't add anymore to what others have commented - I understand so clearly your feelings and experiences. Also new to board and newly dd is 29 although she has had many dx throughout her life. Our life has been literally up and down for years - always waiting for the other shoe to drop. After reading books and talking with our therapists, we are accepting that this is ultimately her problem and she has to take the steps to want to improve.  We love her, we are learning to validate her emotions, and learning to take care of ourselves first. It is a fine line to know when to help with finances, etc. Strong boundaries and praying to stick with them!. We won't allow abuse of any kind. Hang in there - know there are many who share this journey with you.