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Author Topic: Death of my father  (Read 429 times)
SoManyHopes
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 1


« on: March 05, 2022, 09:11:43 AM »

I've been with my partner for 4 years. She has BPD (undiagnosed, as far as I know). I've been learning alot about myself and have dug deep into healing. I guess you could say She has been my biggest teacher in me learning what and how much I can handle. My father died last night. My family lives several hours away. When I received word that he was close to crossing over I came to be with my family. I am staying another day to participate in the arrangements for my dads celebration of life. She is livid. I think this might be the straw that breaks this open. How do I handle this with her?

SoManyHopes
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alterK
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 209


« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2022, 08:21:38 AM »

Hi SoMany, and welcome. Sorry to hear about the loss of your father. A partner with BPD can be easily threatened when you are involved with other people. Changes in family dynamics are a big deal. Even a loss might make them imagine that you will become closer to those whom you are spending time with. She could be jealous that you are sharing your sorrow with family and not with her.

A pwBPD's underlying emotion is fear--fear that you may prefer them to others, that you may abandon them for others, that you may love others more than them. The fear gets transformed into anger.

Don't hope that you can sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion where she acknowledges her fear and you explain everything rationally. If you have any chance of reassuring her you'll have to do it indirectly, trying to make her feel safe with you again. Go to the Tools section at the top of this website and see if any of the books look helpful.
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Sluggo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
Posts: 596



« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2022, 04:42:56 PM »

My dad's hospice and death 6 years ago, was one of the breaking points of my relationship with bpdw. 

She said I could not visit him even though hospice center was 6 min away and I was executor.  When he died, it was difficult with family.    After his death, what I thought I was doing my proving my love to my wife for not visiting him did not quench her thirst a proof.  Things were just as bad after he died. I gave up my relationship with him and his final days to try to prove my love to her. 

After he died I realized that my behavior to agree and please her had become severely warped. I separated 15 days after funeral.

It is hard.  Sorry for your loss
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lmcKnit

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 10



« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2022, 10:07:41 AM »

I have been away from the forum for YEARS...managing alone without counseling. What brings me back (?), "the Death of MY father".  Lo and behold I see your post.

Let me say first of all:  I am SO sorry for your loss.  Not just the loss of your Father, which alone is a big life change, but also the lack of support-- that your Significant Other cannot offer you support at this time.

Talk about "last straws"...
Interesting that all of us coming up on this post are right there, regardless of the length of our relationship with the BPD person.  My relationship is gently different because the affected person is my mother.  So since age 7 I have effectively became HER mother in a bizarre role reversal.  So, no need to list the lack of support over 50 + years.  Why do I bring this up to you at this terrible time?  To make you think.
I cannot tell you what direction to take with your relationship, as right now no one can tell me what to do with mine (especially since I do share your "last straw feeling").  However, because I have been at this longer than 4 or so years, I am now witness to more than the emotional fallout that comes to pass dealing with a BPD adult.  I am painfully aware of what can happen to the most fit of bodies (even of competitive athletes) under decades of chronic stress CARING FOR a BPD adult.  You can be the most well-adjusted person and the years of this stuff will still rip you to shreds.  The emotional beating that BPD people pass down to others over the years, can and will over time have physical manifestations, and I am now there.  For me, good luck trying to disengage NOW, although it is not impossible.  I am at a point where even if I do disengage, I may still die an early death due to the chronic illness I developed.  There are health consequences that can become irreversible when caring for a BPD adult. My mother outlived three husbands.  My father lived the longest, since he was smart enough to leave her after 8 years of marriage.  Yet, he harbored such resentment toward my BPD mother that he ended up dying of cancer.  They often say, when you can't let go of hate, it shows up as cancer.

I met a random person a couple years back, and at the first signs of BPD-like attitude and characteristics, I felt I needed to disengage.  Even that took a long time, because this person was adamant at hooking onto me (perceiving me as this caring person who will take care of them)...since he obviously had been left to fend for himself by other adults.  Because this person was non-related and because I was already ill, I directly informed this BPD-like person to seek alternate arrangements, I am not the one he was looking for.  I stood my ground, but was stalked for a very long time.  I still limit my movements because of it.  Yet, I will not engage or be forced into another draining relationship.  I have enough issues with my Mom.
As for my Mom, my former stance was that since we are related the issues are more complicated. The way I see it NOW, it is only more complicated because I added a deeper value to that relationship.  I also like to think of myself as a "good person", so it is very easy for the BPD adult to play that guilt trip on me.  Or so it was in the past.
I AM trying to make the point, that what you will ultimately decide about this relationship will not necessarily be reflective of YOUR VALUES.  You can have the greatest intentions and stay with the relationship, but know that there is a risk to not only your mental health, but that could in turn become a chronic physical issue for you.

Think long and hard.  Do you want to subject yourself to such a relationship (that is ultimately a choice).  It gets a bit more complicated with a parent/child relationship, and especially leaving a parent in their elder years.  I know I am facing a very tough situation.  I will look like the A...hole if I do disengage at this time, and there is no telling whether I can even return to "stable" with respect to my health.  Isn't it amazing?  That even at this stage one is looking out to see what effect this move will have on "others".  What about ourselves?  How are we not deserving of the same consideration as others.
I don't envy you about the tough choices you need to make, the things you need to very seriously consider.   ...of course, it comes at a terrible time to begin with...
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markbulax

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: one
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2022, 04:31:02 AM »

Oh PLEASE READ hang in there dude
I lost my dad a few years ago, I still can't accept it.
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