My Letter to ex with BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I've been in an on again / off again relationship with a woman who was diagnosed with BPD some years ago. We have been together as lovers, friends, and apart for a little over three years. She underwent an intensive DBT workshop and might not meet all the diagnostic criteria for a PwBPD, but she still exhibits a lot of the features.

She's a wonderful person, except when she's not. I love her dearly and am concerned for her, and it's very hard trying to let her go and avoiding her "charming". Though I am trying to learn to let go and realize that she is playing a significantly negative role in my life.

This is my first post. I'm not sure I posted it in the correct forum. Please do not judge me as my feelings are still raw and you will see how conflicted I am, though I know intellectually I should let go.

I hope this validates experiences others of you good empathetic people have had in trying to love and leave some you love with borderline features. Thank you.


27 February 2022

Dearest L.,

I’m glad you’re safe at home. I’m writing this letter as an attempt to communicate with you and because I am not sure you understood or will remember what happened last night. I’m sorry if this is challenging to read. You asked for communication.

I love you. I will always love you.

I’m so sorry tonight “went awry” in spectacular fashion.

So much of me wishes I could hold my words, but tonight traumatized me profoundly, yet again. I only wanted to rescue you, but I think I finally must accept that I could not rescue you from yourself. And in attempting to do so, I fear I lost myself. That is not who I was. Not who I want to be.

I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I spoke to you from a place of anger, pain, and jealousy instead of love and compassion tonight. I felt that you could not or were unwilling to understand, much less empathize with my pain. That you would not listen to me, hear me, or validate my strong feelings. I hope the “cold” things I said or questioned are not true.

That you ever did love me.

That you are able empathize with me.

That you are capable of validating my pain, when you are in pain.

That your emotions do not trump mine.

That your push and pulling of me and running roughshod over boundaries does not rise to the level of emotional abuse.

That you can control your drinking.

That you do love yourself.

That you can be alone to process loss and mourn, rather than distracting and filling a void with sex or alcohol.

That you can be happy without a man making you feel lovable and desired, if even for a short while.

That you could have been my partner.

I did not mean to come across as cold, but I was direct. I’m sorry I felt your actions prompted those questions. I’m sorry I allowed your actions to wound me so deeply that they dragged me down toward the level from which I felt you were behaving. That I spoke from emotion mind instead of wise mind, because I felt you could not see that I was suffering and that you could not see my pain, much less validate it.

That I felt you doubled down on hurting me even when I was begging you not to. Whether intentional revenge or reckless indifference to my feelings, it hurt me so PLEASE READing much. Symbolic though the concert tickets [I'd bought for us to attend together months ago] might seem, they held such meaning to me, to us. You know they did, as you said it was a romantic gesture particularly given the context and history – so much so that it would be too painful for you and I to share the experience of sitting together as former lovers and then current friends. (Though you could make love with me three times last week and that was ok.) [She had charmed me after 6 weeks basically not communicating with me before.] 

I felt that you took my gift to us, my last gift to you, and chose to share that romantic gesture and act of kindness with another man whom you barely know. And that you’d invited him so soon after meeting (if the timing you’ve told me is even true). You called him a “stranger”, yet he’s been inside you multiple times already. That you thought offering to pay me for my ticket would compensate me for the pain of your taking him only served to indicate that you are both blind to the sentiment of the gift as well as the pain you cause in service of your apparent need to always have a lover in your life.

Though I refused to sell it to you, you nonetheless managed to buy that ticket. The price you paid for it is our friendship. I hope it is worth it. That you can laugh together, as I cry. And then you will of course let him try to PLEASE READ the memory of me out of you, which we both know is what you really want. I mean that’s what you do, right? (That’s who I was to you too when you arrived home from Minnesota.) As he says just enough to convince you that he isn’t using you. That his saying he didn’t want to see you in public was a “miscommunication.” That he’s not a good communicator. You believe it. Because you so want to believe he isn’t using you. Maybe he’s the one? For your sake, I hope he is not using you given the price you’ve paid.

I wanted you to laugh. To see you laugh. Or for you to laugh with someone with whom you are not involved in a sexual relationship. I guess that was an unreasonable request, which I do not feel I should have had to make explicit. That you would know better because you are a person. Do you even understand that it hurts me to provide the entertainment for your date night when I am devastated over the loss of you? Do you understand how that hurts my feelings? Do you understand that I have emotions too, even if yours are stronger?

I would like to clarify that I was not using the location of where you’d parked your car (but forgotten because you were intoxicated) to manipulate you in any way. I’m sorry you felt that I was or would do so. Believe what you want, but I am not manipulative and do not play games, notwithstanding my other shortcomings and mistakes I have made. I had told you several times during our car ride home the location of the car, but you forgot because you’d been drinking. The location also was in your phone in Google Maps.

When you became insistent to know the location, I didn’t tell you where the car was parked because I was afraid you would try to retrieve it while you were still too intoxicated to operate it. So you did not risk injury, a second DUI, or damaging your new car. And in so doing, I was trying to protect you, your career, your relationship with your parents [with whom she still lives], and your ego.

I told you we could get your car in the morning when you were sober. But you called T [her ex fiancé] and created among the most surreal and awkward experiences of probably both our lives. How could you?

I’m not even sure how to capture what I’m about to write. The tears are flowing as I type, yet again. Why could you not have gone home and read my card and done your course work as you said you would? Without the alcohol, arranging a hook-up with your new lover, telling me you ache for me?, etc.

“I just wish you’d let me be your partner. All I wanted was you….I wish we could jump in no holds barred.” You used the present tense in at least two of those three sentences. Can you understand my confusion?

Then, all of my worst fears come crashing into my face tonight. Losing you completely as not only a partner but as a friend.

Your quite recently past lover and your brand new lover thrown in my face blatantly without any thought or regard to my feelings. Unless, in your disinhibited state you wanted to rub my nose in how wanted you are. I get it. You’re beautiful and incredible. I want you too – desperately.

You literally punching me, shoving me, telling me to get out of the place where I once felt so at home. I never touched you and would never, and it was so not ok for you to use me as your physical and emotional punching bag.

Me sitting like a 42 yo child in the backseat of T’s car being told he had “no interest in my small talk - with all due respect.” Then backpedaling because he’s a “nice guy,” and it was a “good answer” that I wasn’t spending the night with you. (I respect that he cares for you. That’s the only kind thing I can say about him, but how dare you have put me in that situation. It was potentially dangerous physically and was very harmful emotionally).

Me asking you for one kindness for the sake of our friendship. To not hurt me symbolically. But you refused it, and invalidated my request and the feelings behind it. You even sought to justify it, again throwing my own mistake back at me.

Me seeking gratitude for picking you up and taking you home and instead witnessing fumbling and frantic attempts by you to text my replacement [her new lover] whose date night you then tell me you’ve decided after due consideration that I will in fact be funding and making possible. You were trying to deal with your hook-up sitting in my front seat after I spent my evening trying to help you.

I feel so humiliated and foolish by being cast a naive pawn as you manipulated three lovers at once. Using each of us to fill a need in the moment. Past, present, and future with far too much overlap and utter disregard for any of our feelings.

Does that make you feel loved, desired, wanted, the not-so-broken beautiful belle of the ball?

It leaves me feeling like you are the one who manipulates and plays games, though I don’t want to believe you do that. I don’t think you mean to do it, you just act based on reckless emotion. The result is the same. How many men will compete for me? One, two, three….

And so many of your brutal emotional attacks on me come over the years and the past weeks come into focus as “projection” (to use the psychological term.).

You sneering at me and saying “You wish your therapist could see this.” I wish she could have too. I also wish we could have sorted our complex histories and feelings out in therapy, but we know how that ended. (You in a cabin with T for 4 days.) I hope your therapist can help you process your feelings surrounding these events. If you do share it with her, please share it all. Not just the flattering parts.

Saturday night illustrated so much and maybe was the shove against my chest from you I needed to jolt my heart into finally beginning to let you go and opening my love-blind eyes to whom you really are.

Yet, I think I knew you and know you, but I guess so often love blinded and continues to blind me to the emotional hazards of loving you. And then love gives me amnesia, so that I forget the pain you caused me all too recently. Last Sunday seems to come to mind, but you built me back up all week and then took me back down even lower which I did not think was even possible at this point. (Maybe I am not using the term correctly, my therapist told me that pattern of behavior is “emotional abuse” because I didn’t realize I’d been experiencing it. I don’t think you do it intentionally, but the way you act impulsively based on your fluctuating feelings has that effect).

The truth is that I do know you. Probably better than most people and maybe better than anyone else ever will. But sometimes I really forget that there are two sides of you. You often hide the dark one so well. Behind the heartwarming and heartbreaking smile of those perfect lips, that lures we fools into you. I accepted that side of you and naively thought I could tame her if only I loved you enough, but I could not. I am honestly not sure there ever would be enough love to make you feel whole for any sustained period. She crushed my spirit. Please do not let her crush yours, as I fear she has done since you hit puberty.

I love you in spite of your flaws. We are all flawed and all make mistakes. I certainly have. I accepted you, both sides of you. I adored you, my self-proclaimed wild-card.

Tragically, I am still in love with you - once hopefully, now hopelessly.

You told me Saturday you wished I could have jumped in fully with no holds barred. I wish I had been able to as well, but my instincts told me it would be self-destructive to do so. I nonetheless wanted and foolishly still want nothing more than to be your partner. What is wrong with ME?

Our parting in the middle of your street was equal parts pathetic and tragic. I wish I could have at least hugged you goodbye in private and felt that you loved me still, even if we could not be together. At least a bittersweet closure. Or felt that you had once loved me. Instead of a rushed goodbye in front of a jealous, rude, oafish audience with his chest puffed out -- cigarette smoke and alcohol on your breath. Me feeling mostly intoxicated indifference, indignation, and false bravado from you. That was so beneath what either of us deserved.

I must accept that my ambivalence, fear, and reckless mistake, derailed us as romantic partners. I understand that you feel I was unfaithful to you. Incapable of fidelity, you said. I am capable of fidelity, L, but fidelity depends upon having enough confidence in something to be faithful to it and making a commitment. A stable relationship where each person’s needs are being met in part by the other. I do not believe I was unfaithful or cheated on you. That would imply that we were monogamous. Monogamy implies having an intimate relationship. As much as I wanted that, we did not have it. (Incidentally, I have been with no one else besides you for nearly a year. Can you say the same?)

I was still trying to build trust after the last time you’d spent the night with T after drinking and inviting ME over. Following the overtures of your sex talk and getting you hot for what ended up with you inviting HIM over. It was “meaningless” to you but certainly not to me or him. That was painfully obvious tonight. And even if you knew you were done with him, I was less confident because your feelings are subject to change, and when you get hurt my experience with you is that you almost immediately reach out to another man to console you physically and emotionally. You do not divorce the two and your friendships with men seem to lack boundaries or those boundaries are prone to fluctuate toward sex. It’s easier than talking with a man you once told me.

I promised to love you. And I kept that promise and keep it still. Faithfully. Though much of me wishes I could stop loving you, I simply cannot.

L, I was so hopeful. Always hopeful. Because I’m cursed to be a fool in love with you.

I am truly sorry that I momentarily lost faith in you and us. That I did not trust you or where we were on our journey to communicate my needs and doubts before communicating with someone else even if it was supposed to be meaningless banter. Obviously that’s not how it turned out, and I should have known better. I learned my lesson and experience almost constant regret, especially as you remind me so often.

I am sorry my reckless text hurt you. I understand that you cannot let go of that pain and forgive me. That the wound seems to have festered into hatred toward me and a justification to feel it is acceptable to subject me to any insult, abuse, indignity, or humiliation. You outdid yourself last night, my friend. I wish that you could forgive me instead of punishing me deliberately or not.

I will forever regret that my feelings of rejection and doubts led me to take an action that ended our attempt to rebuild our fragile partnership. The irony is that I didn’t want to end it.

Sadly, I feel that your actions shattered our friendship and were deliberate. And have broken me as a person and even more so as a man...

I will post the rest in a follow-up post.

[drumdog4M]

Hi. I've been in an on again / off again relationship with a woman who was diagnosed with BPD some years ago. We have been together as lovers, friends, and apart for a little over three years. She underwent an intensive DBT workshop and might not meet all the diagnostic criteria for a PwBPD, but she still exhibits a lot of the features.

She's a wonderful person, except when she's not. I love her dearly and am concerned for her, and it's very hard trying to let her go and avoiding her "charming". Though I am trying to learn to let go and realize that she is playing a significantly negative role in my life.

This is my first post. I'm not sure I posted it in the correct forum. Please do not judge me as my feelings are still raw and you will see how conflicted I am, though I know intellectually I should let go.

I hope this validates experiences others of you good empathetic people have had in trying to love and leave some you love with borderline features. Thank you.


27 February 2022

Dearest L.,

I’m glad you’re safe at home. I’m writing this letter as an attempt to communicate with you and because I am not sure you understood or will remember what happened last night. I’m sorry if this is challenging to read. You asked for communication.

I love you. I will always love you.

I’m so sorry tonight “went awry” in spectacular fashion.

So much of me wishes I could hold my words, but tonight traumatized me profoundly, yet again. I only wanted to rescue you, but I think I finally must accept that I could not rescue you from yourself. And in attempting to do so, I fear I lost myself. That is not who I was. Not who I want to be.

I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I spoke to you from a place of anger, pain, and jealousy instead of love and compassion tonight. I felt that you could not or were unwilling to understand, much less empathize with my pain. That you would not listen to me, hear me, or validate my strong feelings. I hope the “cold” things I said or questioned are not true.

That you ever did love me.

That you are able empathize with me.

That you are capable of validating my pain, when you are in pain.

That your emotions do not trump mine.

That your push and pulling of me and running roughshod over boundaries does not rise to the level of emotional abuse.

That you can control your drinking.

That you do love yourself.

That you can be alone to process loss and mourn, rather than distracting and filling a void with sex or alcohol.

That you can be happy without a man making you feel lovable and desired, if even for a short while.

That you could have been my partner.

I did not mean to come across as cold, but I was direct. I’m sorry I felt your actions prompted those questions. I’m sorry I allowed your actions to wound me so deeply that they dragged me down toward the level from which I felt you were behaving. That I spoke from emotion mind instead of wise mind, because I felt you could not see that I was suffering and that you could not see my pain, much less validate it.

That I felt you doubled down on hurting me even when I was begging you not to. Whether intentional revenge or reckless indifference to my feelings, it hurt me so PLEASE READing much. Symbolic though the concert tickets [I'd bought for us to attend together months ago] might seem, they held such meaning to me, to us. You know they did, as you said it was a romantic gesture particularly given the context and history – so much so that it would be too painful for you and I to share the experience of sitting together as former lovers and then current friends. (Though you could make love with me three times last week and that was ok.) [She had charmed me after 6 weeks basically not communicating with me before.] 

I felt that you took my gift to us, my last gift to you, and chose to share that romantic gesture and act of kindness with another man whom you barely know. And that you’d invited him so soon after meeting (if the timing you’ve told me is even true). You called him a “stranger”, yet he’s been inside you multiple times already. That you thought offering to pay me for my ticket would compensate me for the pain of your taking him only served to indicate that you are both blind to the sentiment of the gift as well as the pain you cause in service of your apparent need to always have a lover in your life.

Though I refused to sell it to you, you nonetheless managed to buy that ticket. The price you paid for it is our friendship. I hope it is worth it. That you can laugh together, as I cry. And then you will of course let him try to PLEASE READ the memory of me out of you, which we both know is what you really want. I mean that’s what you do, right? (That’s who I was to you too when you arrived home from Minnesota.) As he says just enough to convince you that he isn’t using you. That his saying he didn’t want to see you in public was a “miscommunication.” That he’s not a good communicator. You believe it. Because you so want to believe he isn’t using you. Maybe he’s the one? For your sake, I hope he is not using you given the price you’ve paid.

I wanted you to laugh. To see you laugh. Or for you to laugh with someone with whom you are not involved in a sexual relationship. I guess that was an unreasonable request, which I do not feel I should have had to make explicit. That you would know better because you are a person. Do you even understand that it hurts me to provide the entertainment for your date night when I am devastated over the loss of you? Do you understand how that hurts my feelings? Do you understand that I have emotions too, even if yours are stronger?

I would like to clarify that I was not using the location of where you’d parked your car (but forgotten because you were intoxicated) to manipulate you in any way. I’m sorry you felt that I was or would do so. Believe what you want, but I am not manipulative and do not play games, notwithstanding my other shortcomings and mistakes I have made. I had told you several times during our car ride home the location of the car, but you forgot because you’d been drinking. The location also was in your phone in Google Maps.

When you became insistent to know the location, I didn’t tell you where the car was parked because I was afraid you would try to retrieve it while you were still too intoxicated to operate it. So you did not risk injury, a second DUI, or damaging your new car. And in so doing, I was trying to protect you, your career, your relationship with your parents [with whom she still lives], and your ego.

I told you we could get your car in the morning when you were sober. But you called T [her ex fiancé] and created among the most surreal and awkward experiences of probably both our lives. How could you?

I’m not even sure how to capture what I’m about to write. The tears are flowing as I type, yet again. Why could you not have gone home and read my card and done your course work as you said you would? Without the alcohol, arranging a hook-up with your new lover, telling me you ache for me?, etc.

“I just wish you’d let me be your partner. All I wanted was you….I wish we could jump in no holds barred.” You used the present tense in at least two of those three sentences. Can you understand my confusion?

Then, all of my worst fears come crashing into my face tonight. Losing you completely as not only a partner but as a friend.

Your quite recently past lover and your brand new lover thrown in my face blatantly without any thought or regard to my feelings. Unless, in your disinhibited state you wanted to rub my nose in how wanted you are. I get it. You’re beautiful and incredible. I want you too – desperately.

You literally punching me, shoving me, telling me to get out of the place where I once felt so at home. I never touched you and would never, and it was so not ok for you to use me as your physical and emotional punching bag.

Me sitting like a 42 yo child in the backseat of T’s car being told he had “no interest in my small talk - with all due respect.” Then backpedaling because he’s a “nice guy,” and it was a “good answer” that I wasn’t spending the night with you. (I respect that he cares for you. That’s the only kind thing I can say about him, but how dare you have put me in that situation. It was potentially dangerous physically and was very harmful emotionally).

Me asking you for one kindness for the sake of our friendship. To not hurt me symbolically. But you refused it, and invalidated my request and the feelings behind it. You even sought to justify it, again throwing my own mistake back at me.

Me seeking gratitude for picking you up and taking you home and instead witnessing fumbling and frantic attempts by you to text my replacement [her new lover] whose date night you then tell me you’ve decided after due consideration that I will in fact be funding and making possible. You were trying to deal with your hook-up sitting in my front seat after I spent my evening trying to help you.

I feel so humiliated and foolish by being cast a naive pawn as you manipulated three lovers at once. Using each of us to fill a need in the moment. Past, present, and future with far too much overlap and utter disregard for any of our feelings.

Does that make you feel loved, desired, wanted, the not-so-broken beautiful belle of the ball?

It leaves me feeling like you are the one who manipulates and plays games, though I don’t want to believe you do that. I don’t think you mean to do it, you just act based on reckless emotion. The result is the same. How many men will compete for me? One, two, three….

And so many of your brutal emotional attacks on me come over the years and the past weeks come into focus as “projection” (to use the psychological term.).

You sneering at me and saying “You wish your therapist could see this.” I wish she could have too. I also wish we could have sorted our complex histories and feelings out in therapy, but we know how that ended. (You in a cabin with T for 4 days.) I hope your therapist can help you process your feelings surrounding these events. If you do share it with her, please share it all. Not just the flattering parts.

Saturday night illustrated so much and maybe was the shove against my chest from you I needed to jolt my heart into finally beginning to let you go and opening my love-blind eyes to whom you really are.

Yet, I think I knew you and know you, but I guess so often love blinded and continues to blind me to the emotional hazards of loving you. And then love gives me amnesia, so that I forget the pain you caused me all too recently. Last Sunday seems to come to mind, but you built me back up all week and then took me back down even lower which I did not think was even possible at this point. (Maybe I am not using the term correctly, my therapist told me that pattern of behavior is “emotional abuse” because I didn’t realize I’d been experiencing it. I don’t think you do it intentionally, but the way you act impulsively based on your fluctuating feelings has that effect).

The truth is that I do know you. Probably better than most people and maybe better than anyone else ever will. But sometimes I really forget that there are two sides of you. You often hide the dark one so well. Behind the heartwarming and heartbreaking smile of those perfect lips, that lures we fools into you. I accepted that side of you and naively thought I could tame her if only I loved you enough, but I could not. I am honestly not sure there ever would be enough love to make you feel whole for any sustained period. She crushed my spirit. Please do not let her crush yours, as I fear she has done since you hit puberty.

I love you in spite of your flaws. We are all flawed and all make mistakes. I certainly have. I accepted you, both sides of you. I adored you, my self-proclaimed wild-card.

Tragically, I am still in love with you - once hopefully, now hopelessly.

You told me Saturday you wished I could have jumped in fully with no holds barred. I wish I had been able to as well, but my instincts told me it would be self-destructive to do so. I nonetheless wanted and foolishly still want nothing more than to be your partner. What is wrong with ME?

Our parting in the middle of your street was equal parts pathetic and tragic. I wish I could have at least hugged you goodbye in private and felt that you loved me still, even if we could not be together. At least a bittersweet closure. Or felt that you had once loved me. Instead of a rushed goodbye in front of a jealous, rude, oafish audience with his chest puffed out -- cigarette smoke and alcohol on your breath. Me feeling mostly intoxicated indifference, indignation, and false bravado from you. That was so beneath what either of us deserved.

I must accept that my ambivalence, fear, and reckless mistake, derailed us as romantic partners. I understand that you feel I was unfaithful to you. Incapable of fidelity, you said. I am capable of fidelity, L, but fidelity depends upon having enough confidence in something to be faithful to it and making a commitment. A stable relationship where each person’s needs are being met in part by the other. I do not believe I was unfaithful or cheated on you. That would imply that we were monogamous. Monogamy implies having an intimate relationship. As much as I wanted that, we did not have it. (Incidentally, I have been with no one else besides you for nearly a year. Can you say the same?)

I was still trying to build trust after the last time you’d spent the night with T after drinking and inviting ME over. Following the overtures of your sex talk and getting you hot for what ended up with you inviting HIM over. It was “meaningless” to you but certainly not to me or him. That was painfully obvious tonight. And even if you knew you were done with him, I was less confident because your feelings are subject to change, and when you get hurt my experience with you is that you almost immediately reach out to another man to console you physically and emotionally. You do not divorce the two and your friendships with men seem to lack boundaries or those boundaries are prone to fluctuate toward sex. It’s easier than talking with a man you once told me.

I promised to love you. And I kept that promise and keep it still. Faithfully. Though much of me wishes I could stop loving you, I simply cannot.

L, I was so hopeful. Always hopeful. Because I’m cursed to be a fool in love with you.

I am truly sorry that I momentarily lost faith in you and us. That I did not trust you or where we were on our journey to communicate my needs and doubts before communicating with someone else even if it was supposed to be meaningless banter. Obviously that’s not how it turned out, and I should have known better. I learned my lesson and experience almost constant regret, especially as you remind me so often.

I am sorry my reckless text hurt you. I understand that you cannot let go of that pain and forgive me. That the wound seems to have festered into hatred toward me and a justification to feel it is acceptable to subject me to any insult, abuse, indignity, or humiliation. You outdid yourself last night, my friend. I wish that you could forgive me instead of punishing me deliberately or not.

I will forever regret that my feelings of rejection and doubts led me to take an action that ended our attempt to rebuild our fragile partnership. The irony is that I didn’t want to end it.

Sadly, I feel that your actions shattered our friendship and were deliberate. And have broken me as a person and even more so as a man...

I will post the rest in a follow-up post.

[drumdog4M]

Here is the rest of the letter, in case any of you are interested.

I love you. I want you. I wanted you. I sought to hold you, protect you, cherish you, and rescue you. I mostly failed. I should have known the game was rigged. I hope my love helped you grow in some ways, and at least I succeeded in keeping you safe tonight at immense cost to my own emotional wellbeing. (I’m seriously considering finding a new therapist to help me deal with what I’ve experienced).

But I could not rescue you from yourself. And though I seem driven to rescue you over and over and over again because of my anxious attachment and co-dependent tendencies, I must let go and accept that it is not my responsibility nor within my power. I don’t have anyone who can rescue me. I gave up my own rescuer to be yours. I know it took me too long and caused too much pain during the process of letting go. I’m sorry it took me so long, but I did.

I am afraid I find myself left with no choice but to attempt to rescue what little of my ego, my identity, and myself remains from you. She whom I thought was my soulmate and best friend. Even though every molecule of me wishes I could keep rescuing you forever.

I love you. Please love YOURSELF. Rescue YOURSELF. No one else can make you whole, and you cannot experience healthy and lasting love until you are healed. Until then, I fear stable relationships will prove fleeting.

Goodbye beloved woman. I had hoped to remain a part of your life, but sadly it seems you have chosen otherwise. As I have said before, however, my ears are open, my door is open, and my heart is open to you. “I will leave the light on.”

[CryingGame]

Hello Drumdog,.
I read your letter and your post. I'm sorry for your agony. It may sound silly but there's a part of my BPD mother story that makes me drawn to read some in the romance category. She was my first love and her love hurts, kicks you in the heart as she kicks you out.

It was rigged. That's the thing right there. It is always rigged in this type of relationship when, well, we go back for more. It's rigged to fail. I feel I do know why more now after a little time on this site than I ever did.

Keep writing, keep pouring your heart out, love yourself like you love L. I'm glad you have a therapist. This process is so awful ... and finding someone to be with that is not this painfu drama is so very wonderful. I have and I'm sure you will too.

Keep moving forward! Wishing you Peace.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you for your kind and wise words.

[CryingGame]

Yes, and we must remember, it's NOT about us. It's about them and their behaviour and their brains. We're in the path of the storm. There are almost no others that my mother is close to and talks to and loves ... just a couple of grandsons who could do no wrong. So, I was the one, I'm the only one who loves her and wants her ... she's an island otherwise but if there were others, they'd get her wrath too. Silly me for wanting to be close to a hurricane. Intimacy ... into me you see.