Mother & sister

[SailorSam]

I have a strong feeling my mum is BPD. She's always had strong & very long rages. I'm the youngest of 3 daughters, my eldest sister is autistic. I think this has confused matters & made us excuse a lot of her behaviours due to the stress of that.
Apart from my eldest sister who is autistic & has lived away in caring accommodation since she was 9, I am the only one to leave home. My dad died very sadly quite young, & I knew I would feel on my own as I felt closer to my Dad then my sister & mum.
I bought my own flat 2 years after my dad died & moved out. My mum & sister called me selfish the week before I moved out & ignored me for days. Mum asked me for the next month's board knowing I was taking on a mortgage on my own. She also said 'you can't shed your own family'. Previous to me finding my own deposit through shares at work, she had been quite spiteful saying 'you need me, you can't move until I do' - she was planning on downsizing & giving me a deposit. It was the way she said it that I didn't like.
As young children she was physically abusive, she didn't know when to stop, we were terrified of her.
I know she had problems with her own parents esp her mother.
Long story short, after 6 years living in my flat I met my husband. I'd get abusive letters from mum, calls at work, her saying I didn't care about them (Mum & middle sister who lives at home with her), but when am I seeing/visiting my autistic sister. My husband & I visit eldest sister where she lives every year.
I have lost times I have been told by her that I am selfish because I have dared to leave home & live my own life. My other sister is 2 years older than me but has never left. Neither of them go on holiday, & all mum talks about is my eldest sister.
Over the years my husband & I would invite them round for Xmas, but they would change their mind at the last minute, I did try to explain to my husband that mum can't cope with Xmas visits as she feels guilty about my eldest sister at that time so we tried other times of the year, but they are not interested.
This means we have become like strangers over the last 15 years. I went NC as I'd see mum in the street, she lives 3 miles away & she would start screaming ; shouting at me asking why I don't visit her!
The worst incident was in 2009 after my sister text me to meet her at a pub for a drink. My mum repeatedly rang my sister on her mobile ordering her back home. 5 mins later mum appeared & verbally abused me for over 15 minutes outside & inside the pub. I left I had panic attacks for 3 days. I had been away from her abusive behaviour since being married & it shocked me rigid what we had all accepted as normal behaviour, I could no longer take it.
Going fwd to 6 years ago I discover my mum has turned her heating off & now won't put any water down any of the plug holes which means my sister are brushing their teeth in the kitchen sink bowl & take empty it I  the drain outside. I kept this to myself apart from sharing with  trusted friend for 5 years, but recently wrote to mum's doctor as I felt I should. They called her, I'm sure she's talked her way out of it as she comes across as so normal.
I feel very sad, extremely sad sometimes that I can't help her improve her life & am utterly sad that my middle sister is now so brain washed she thinks it's normal. I suppose I need help to accept I have lost both of them, it's just so horrifying. My mum says I have shown my middle sister little affection, but my husband & I have wanted to share new years Dec if she can't do Xmas, but truth is my mum has isolated her from us all these years. Sometimes I hate my mum, but feel sorry for her, but then realise how cruel she is being to my sister, but have to remind myself my sister  is a grown woman but takes mum's side in every argument. I guess I am trying to deal with how horrendous their situation is. I did write offering to help pay for a new boiler but my letter ignored.

[Woolspinner2000]

WelcomeSailorSam! 

So glad you have come to join our family here, even though I know the circumstances that brought you here are so hard. It sounds like your mom has characteristics that we commonly see associated with a pwBPD. My mom was an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD), and I can certainly understand the rages and the yelling and physical abuse. So many of us have experienced it, and we are working to heal from the wounds that no one sees.

Being told we are selfish is something nearly all the members here have experienced. Sometimes I still have to fight that voice, but the truth is that looking after oneself in a healthy manner is not selfish but rather very healthy. A pwBPD feels it's selfish whenever anyone doesn't pay attention to them, especially their children. As a grown-up now, it takes work to 'unlearn' those deeply held beliefs. Do you have a T to help you? My T has been invaluable to help me.

How did you first learn about the term BPD?

 
Wools

[SailorSam]

Hi Wools,
Thanks for your reply.
I don't have a T, not sure where to go really.
Got text from her docs saying they spoke to Mum & he's happy she's not got dementia, anxiety or depression. Honestly I ask you, so much is hidden that they don't see, that's what makes it worse I think.
Mum likes to appear normal to outsiders, even relatives have no clue how bad things have got.
BPD - I looked at personality disorders on internet & see some traits she has consistently shown all her life, she tried to commit suicideat 17 & saw a psychiatrist at that point, sadly with her parents doesn't surprise me.
The calling me selfish & others in the family does have an effect, I feel like I must be a bad person, like I've done something terribly wrong, but intellectually I know it's rubbish. The way she is making my sister live is hardly loving is it.
I do journal, I find that helps, I did see someone for a while as part of a SIRPA course which taught the principles of the drama triangle. I'm doing alot of journaling at the moment to try & get it out my head.