Support/guidance needed re breaking up/deciding to remain partner with BPD

[Seeky]

Hi

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years. We are engaged.

I am seeing a CBT therapist as we have had a roller coaster relationship. But particularly the last 6/12. The CBT therapist suggested he may have BPT, he has a diagnosis of bipolar and ADHD from childhood in Italy.

Some of the things I have experienced that seem to be described on the websites and in podcast I have listened to include:
Love - Hate… I am one day the most amazing woman he has ever met and perfect for him and the next day he is shouting at
Me calling me all names
He says it’s all my fault the way he reacts is because I trigger him
He is paranoid I am cheating as we only have sex 2-3 times a week
He thinks I don’t do my fair share about the house and he does much much more which isn’t true.
He tells me I don’t have enough time for him and did at the start although I spent so much time with him
He reacts super quickly to small things
If he hurts me or his daughter he expects us to come to him to hug and make up rather than him coming to us
He hates planning
He in anger splits up with me blames me and says I said it and then gets low in mood is much more rational in conversation and try’s to get back together
Extreme anger when triggered

Now my partner hasn’t been diagnosed but from
Reading it seems likely he has it. I am concerned for my future with him. We are currently separated. We have been thru several extreme cycles of him being angry and treating me
With days or weeks of silence and then when we recover things can be really lovely for several weeks and then it repeats. I am told I am perfect for him and amazing etc and the next day so much anger etc. i am not really sure what I am
Looking for from this message. I guess I want some
One to say it will be ok and will work out but from reading the info on the website that’s unlikely even with councilling etc.
any advice or guidance from someone with a partner with BPD would be great. Thanks

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Sad to say, if you want the relationship to last, you can expect the rollercoaster to continue. Many people hope their partners can be *cured* but unfortunately BPD is a part of who they are, they way they perceive the world. It’s not a disorder that can easily be treated with drugs or therapy.

People with BPD can improve a lot with therapy, that is if they’re willing to stick with it for many years. Unfortunately few are willing because in therapy one must confront the truth of who one is, and this is very difficult for people with BPD because they have so much shame and self loathing.

However the brain has plasticity and childhood deficits of lessons unlearned about empathy, trust, responsibility can be learned later in adulthood…if one is committed to do so.

Much can be improved in a relationship if the *non* partner learns new ways of engaging with their loved one. It’s not an overnight fix, as there are lots of new patterns and habits to learn. Check out the Tools at the top of this page for more information about what you can do to make things better.