I need to reach out to find my voice

[Parents! Get help here!]

 
I am a mom of an 18 year old daughter who shows the signs of BPD.  My husband and I adopted her when she was 18 months old.  She has shown mental health issues since she was 10.  Two years ago, things got so bad with her that we had her placed in a group home.  There she was able to get support for schoolwork during the covid shut down and in person therapy 2 times a week.  I had lost myself and sunk into a pit of anger and self-protection.  My marriage was on the rocks.  It was a hard time.  Things have gotten better and we have restored a fairly positive relationship with my daughter.  But, since she turned 18, I have been on a roller coaster with her.  She is up and I'm her best friend, then she needs me, crying and depressed, then she hates me and picks a fight, accusing me of things I haven't done.  She has made me look bad and I feel paranoid, judged and like self- defense is futile. I have lost my voice to express my own feelings.  I don't feel heard or understood.  I recognize that I didn't know how to set boundaries until about a year ago.  I don't know how to have a relationship with her and not be part of the unhealthy dance she sucks me into.

[Anchored]

 
I am a mom of an 18 year old daughter who shows the signs of BPD.  My husband and I adopted her when she was 18 months old.  She has shown mental health issues since she was 10.  Two years ago, things got so bad with her that we had her placed in a group home.  There she was able to get support for schoolwork during the covid shut down and in person therapy 2 times a week.  I had lost myself and sunk into a pit of anger and self-protection.  My marriage was on the rocks.  It was a hard time.  Things have gotten better and we have restored a fairly positive relationship with my daughter.  But, since she turned 18, I have been on a roller coaster with her.  She is up and I'm her best friend, then she needs me, crying and depressed, then she hates me and picks a fight, accusing me of things I haven't done.  She has made me look bad and I feel paranoid, judged and like self- defense is futile. I have lost my voice to express my own feelings.  I don't feel heard or understood.  I recognize that I didn't know how to set boundaries until about a year ago.  I don't know how to have a relationship with her and not be part of the unhealthy dance she sucks me into.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Anchored...from a much older Mom

While my daughter is not adopted, I so relate to pretty well everything else you have written.  Yes, you do need to find your voice and you certainly have made a great first step by joining in here.

I first found this forum about 5-6 years ago.  I was so broken after so many years of trying to deal with this difficult child of mine.  She was a run-away at age 12.  We helped her through broken relationships then custody battles over our precious grandchildren.  We helped her financially and emotionally, all the time wondering when the next shoe would drop (which it has so many, many times over the years) and she would cut us out of her life and the lives of our only 2 grandchildren.  Currently we are in a 5+ year period of being estranged from her.   We have lived through a pandemic...on our own.

Once a Mom, always a Mom.  My heart will always hurt but I don't cry anymore.  (Well, there is the occasional tear.)  It took me a long time to find my voice but once I got a taste of being empowered, I yearned for more.

Do you feel you have the support of your husband in all this?  That was a problem for me because it was ME our daughter would target.  Gradually as I have found my voice, things have changed.

Once again welcoming you, Anchored.  Hope this the start of a new beginning for you.

Huat