Defensive behavior in everyday conversation.

[mssalty]

I ’ve noticed my partner has a habit of talking about daily stories with a defense of every action they take.   It’s almost like they’re waiting for me to criticize every piece of what they say, no matter what the topic. 

I don’t think there is necessarily a fear of my reaction, but it’s almost like it’s baked into their personality to defend stuff that literally nobody cares about.  I’m talking about the stories of minor stuff that happens during the day.

I notice it primarily because every time I’m told about something I get taken on strange detours where a simple “I got cut off in traffic” is a ten minute story of justifications of frustration over being cutoff, and takes until the end for me to realize what I’m even listening to. 

Perhaps this has always been there, but I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to deescalate tense situations and my spouse seems less in search of a fight.  I guess I’m asking to see if this type of behavior is normal, and how do I gently say “I care about you, but you don’t need to justify to me things that don’t impact me in the slightest?”  I ask because these lengthy digressions seem to happen when I am most in need of doing something else and don’t have time to hear the entire internal monologue of the story. 

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[judee]

Mssalty,

I think I do that too sometimes. With me it is a sign of being afraid of being judged or misunderstood.
Your solution is perfect, just leave out the 'but'   the sentence changes from an exclusion ( 'I care , but..' ) to reassuring.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like a need to share a sense of victimhood and to be comforted about it.

How about interrupting when you need to do something by saying, “I’m right in the middle of X. I want to give you my full attention. Let’s talk in a half an hour.”

Chances are, it will be forgotten about by that time if you don’t bring it up. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

I recently realized this is one of the numerous legacy of the abuse my mother put me through a child: I am very defensive of any critic, and I always give way more details than needed... As if I was excusing myself from needing to ask a question, I have to explain in details WHY I am asking it.

It is exhausting to me as well. I am not looking to be validated when I do that, I am basically trying to protect myself from an imaginary backlash I might get.. But those backlashs never come, because people, generally, are not like my mother.

All this to say: I agree with leaving the "but" out. In the mean time, bear in mind this way of being, of talking, might not even be conscious and is very hard to get rid off without knowing the root cause...