Bpd partner breaks up and wants to transition, please help me

[CelineA]

Hi everyone,

I'm Celine and I've been 3 years with my bpd boyfriend. Only months after dating (and then engaged already), I realised all he was going through. I helped him to go get therapy. Being diagnosed through the relationship was hard and the situations we lived were very intense. From anger, control, repression, tantrums, manipulation, to a lot of crying and depression. He believed every time he was happy something bad was going to happen and so he would act upon it to create it. We weren't allowed to 'be happy' and neither did he. Our relationship went through so many ups and downs, really hard ones sometimes. We would fight. We broke up after two years but got back together soon after. We had a lot of challenges with communication. The breakup had him feel like I had abandoned him, and he didn't forgive me which made it complicated sometimes. At the same time there was a great connection happening and a lot of happy moments together and calmness. Half a year after being back together we decided to go travel for a couple months. We went to meet my family for the first time. We had so much fun and flow with one another, 24h together. We decided we wanted to start a family. We also had a couple of big fights. Both were me asking him to help me more in the relationship and share responsibility, that most of the things relied only on me. He flew back home early and I stayed some extra weeks. He didn't want me to stay, and as I did he had a hard time. He used to split when we separated physically since we had started together.

As we reunited he told me he wants to transition to a woman and that he wants to break up, that it's too much to go through an identity crisis and have to deal with the relationship. And I get that. He feels lost and he needs to go find out which is his true identity. He always had a feminine energy very present and is bicurious, I knew he had had another identity crisis three years before we met where he thought he was a woman and crossdressed and throughout the relationship I could see he has problems with liking his body and not think is bad or ugly. This time he wants to do it seriously though, to buy hormones online and take them and try to be with a man. I've seen him have identity switches many times, changing how he behaves and how he looks. But this is different, and I want to respect his process. He explained me he thinks this has always been his problem, and that's why he has BPD. That the moment he's a woman the anxiety, the isolation, the internal fight will subdue. He says he has suppressed so many feelings all his life, thinking he had to be a man.

I read about BPD disorder and the gender dysphoria many have, and read about people having sexuality and gender shifts multiple times, specially with sexual abuse. That for a BPD person the things are fluid. It's hard to grasp if this is who he is really is or it's his identity for the time being. I am supportive of him as if this is who he truly is it will bring him so much happiness. At the same time he says he would like me to wait, that he still wants to have a child with me but first needs to resolve his identity before he can start a family. But that feels like holding on to a possibility that may break my heart even more. I'm still in love with him. I would like to share my story in case you can relate or can share some advice on how to cope.

Thank you for reading <3